She Got the Benefit

SHE GOT THE BENEFIT

It had been a long time since I had been to church. Before the divorce, I usually found it easier to stay home on Sundays than to try and shame my husband into going to church. I sat down by myself in an empty pew and several members of the congregation came up to me and told me how glad they were to see me back. They didn't mention anything about my divorce. That made me feel somewhat better.

That good feeling disappeared when I saw my younger sister, Regina, come into the church with her kids. She was with a man I didn't recognize. I only glanced at them for a second because I felt a pang of jealousy for her having a man and me not. Then I thought back to the last time I had heard from her. Regina had asked if it would bother me for her to date my ex-husband. I think I told her that I didn't care who she dated, and I listed my ex's many flaws and warned her about him. In truth, I really didn't want her to. In one sense, he was still mine even though we were divorced. She thanked me and quickly hung up.

The man she was with was physically fit, clean-shaven, wore a suit and tie, and had a smile on his face. Her two kids from her previous marriage clung to him for dear life. Several people greeted them all with smiles and laughter. It was evident that they were well known and well liked. The more I stared at the man, the more I became suspicious that he could be a cleaned-up version of my ex-husband, Owen. During the 'greet a neighbor' time in the service, the man with Regina made a point to come over to me. By the time he got to me, I was sure - it was Owen, looking better and healthier than I had ever seen him.

"Pamela, you're looking good. Are you going to start attending here again?"

"I guess. Owen, I'm sorry if this is too rude, but what are you doing here? While we were married, you informed me in no uncertain terms that the only time you would ever go to church was when we got married and when you died."

He laughed. "I'm sorry to disappoint you Pam, but I am not dead. In fact, I've never felt more alive. Seriously, I've changed, Pam, thanks to you and especially your sister. Long story short, I actually listened when you told me all my faults that caused you to divorce me. I was depressed until Regina called me up and we started dating. She hung in there through my struggle to re-create myself and believe me, it was a struggle. Ooops, I need to get back to my seat. How would you like to go out to lunch with us after the service?"

I stammered, "Well... I... Are you sure?"

"Of course, unless you still harbor bad feelings about how I used to treat you. I can understand if you don't want to."

"Okay, I'll come, but only if Regina doesn't mind."

"I know she doesn't. She's said several times that we needed to call you up and invite you over. Besides, your niece and nephew keep asking when they would see their Aunt Pam again. Meet you out front after the service."

I wasn't known as an avid listener to sermons, but that day I couldn't have told you a single word the minister said. I was busy going back and forth in my mind to when Owen and I were married and what could have happened for my ex-husband to change so drastically. Before church was over, I began wondering if my ex-husband had truly changed or if he was pretending so he could get in my sister's panties. My bet would have been on the latter.

My curiosity overcame my fears. They talked to me briefly after church and we met at Brinkley's Diner for lunch. They were well-known for their Sunday buffet. We got a table for five. After hugging me, the kids ran to the buffet line and filled their plates. I went next and tried to take enough to make the fee worthwhile. In truth, I was not hungry. My stomach was in too much of a turmoil and my mind wasn't far behind.

When we all got back to the table, I was shocked when Owen asked that we all hold hands while he prayed. I had to reach down and retrieve my eyeballs that had bugged out of my head. This new and improved Owen had just prayed before a meal! In our seven years of marriage, my old and aggravating Owen had never prayed for any reason except for Kentucky to win a ballgame, much less before a meal. I was waiting for lightening to strike him for blasphemy.

I sat in silence. The small talk among my sister's family was lively and amicable. I got caught up in my niece and nephew's description of their exploits in school and on the soccer field. Both Owen and Regina were proud, and rightly so. I had wanted to have kids just like them. I wanted to die right then and there.

Owen asked me how things had been going for me after the divorce. I couldn't believe he would ask me that in front of his wife and the kids. Wasn't he afraid I would tell the truth? But maybe he didn't know the truth. Maybe he thought I wouldn't tell the truth because it would embarrass him and myself. I just lied that not much new had happened and that I was not seeing anyone now. Why did I have to mention that part of my miserable life? Maybe I hoped he didn't take my response to mean I was sitting around pining for the few good old days we had together which would have been closer to the truth.

The kids asked if they could get two desserts and Regina acquiesced after Owen intervened on their behalf. Owen used the opportunity to go to the restroom, leaving me alone with Regina.

"Pam, I'm sorry that we've waited so long after our marriage to talk to you. You were so bitter towards Owen when I asked about dating him, I was afraid you two might exchange some harsh words that would hinder both of you from moving on. I don't doubt that you were accurate in your description of Owen at the time of your marriage. I've seen flashes of it myself. It took a lot of patience and persistence on my part to help him become what I like to think is his true self. Mostly, it took love and encouragement every time he said he was incapable of change. A lot of his metamorphosis was due to the love he has developed for the kids. Owen absolutely adores the kids."

"But when Owen and I were married, he said he never wanted kids."

"At first, he told me that too. I decided to check since I already had two kids. It was crucial to my continuing to date him. I talked to his mother without his knowledge. She told me that Owen may say he dislikes the IDEA of being a daddy, but down deep he would accept the REALITY of being a daddy. A few more times out with all three of us won him over. After Owen and I got married, my ex agreed to let Owen adopt them in order to get out of his monthly child support payments. Oops, here comes Owen."

I guess it was secondary shock that had set in. I didn't talk much for the rest of the meal. Regina spoke up as we prepared to depart. "Sis, why don't you come over to our house Friday night. We can have a chance to clear the air over a glass of wine. I sense you have more questions about Owen's change of personality. I would like for you and Owen to be friends again. He feels really badly about how he treated you during your marriage."

I agreed to come over without thinking. I don't know where this masochistic side of me had come from. I only took one step towards the diner's exit before I was challenging why I had agreed to go. I think I couldn't stand the possibility that my sister was able to get Owen to change when I had failed so miserably. I did have a lot of questions and curiosity about the new Owen. I also still had a lot of animosity towards the old Owen. I wondered if he really had become the man I saw this Sunday. If so, my feelings against him would be shaken. I guess you could say that I had my closure door ripped off its hinges. I was a mess all week. Messier than even before.

I got to their house about 8:00 on Friday night. In preparation, I drank half a bottle of Pepto-Bismol to calm my stomach acid. The four of them were just finishing off a game of UNO on the kitchen table. Little Betsy was taunting her brother Jameson about beating him. I assumed that was what her 'Nanny-nanny-boo-boo' meant. Jameson demanded a re-match. Regina ended the argument. "Up to the bathroom and brush your teeth. Maybe Aunt Pam will read you a nighttime story if you go quickly without arguing."

I had been set up. I saw the twinkle in their eyes, and I capitulated. "I'm not sure you want me to read to you. You might get too scared." That did it. They begged and pleaded for me to read to them. Of course, I did.

We sat on Betsy's bed with me in the middle and the kids on either side. I read 'Where the Wild Things Are' - their favorite. I made all the required monster noises and howls. The kids provided the words if I went too slowly. They knew the book by heart. They made me read it three times. My voice got hoarse from making the gruesome sounds. I left the room after giving them both a good night kiss. Outside the door, I cried silently. The scene I had just left was what I had once envisioned when Owen and I got married. He swore he didn't want it. Now he has it, and I don't. It's not fair!

I came downstairs. I joined Owen and Regina in the living room. Owen got up and made me a drink. He remembered what I liked.

Seeing my eyes, my sister asked, "What's the matter, Pam?"

"Oh, Regina. I think your kids stirred up my maternal juices. If you ever need a babysitter... " I couldn't go on. I was not silent in my crying anymore.

"Of course. Of course."

Owen returned with my drink. "Okay, let's start with just prior to the start of our divorce proceedings. You told me how I mistreated you in our marriage. Your list was long. With each new flaw you mentioned, I closed my ears more. I reasoned that you had to be exaggerating. I couldn't be that bad. You had to be diverting attention from one of your many weaknesses. I provided the majority of financial support for our family. I took care of the finances, the cars, and took out the garbage. That should give me the right to slack off on the women's chores you wanted me to do. You should have assumed you had my attention, respect, consideration, and love - all those things should have been a given. After all, I had married you, didn't I?

"When you mentioned divorce, I was so shocked I finally started to truly listen. I left the house and thought and thought for days and days about what you said to me. Upon self-examination, I had to come to the conclusion you were mostly, if not completely, right. I was deeply, deeply ashamed of myself. I decided that had screwed up our marriage for so long, you wouldn't believe me if I promised to change. And who could blame you? Finally, I concluded I should give you the chance to find someone who could give you what you deserved. I signed your divorce petition without even looking at the papers. I knew you would be fair to me even though I didn't deserve it.

"Like many depressed men, I withdrew from social contact. My new companion was a bottle of bourbon, lots of bottles of bourbon, actually. Work, drink, sleep and sometimes eat - that became my life. I lost weight because I didn't eat much. I was warned at work about my appearance and level and quality of work. My life was going down the drain and I wasn't trying to even tread water. That changed when Regina called. I almost didn't talk to her because she was your sister. I assumed she wanted to add coals to dump on my head on your behalf. I remember the call well.

"Regina, what do you want? I signed the damn divorce papers your sister served me with."

"Owen, I'm not calling about the divorce. I'm calling about how you are doing. Even though you and my sister are divorcing, I still care about you."

"Well, if that is true, you are the only one. I don't even care about me."

"I know how you feel."

"The hell you do." Then I remembered that she had gone through a divorce with a cheating husband and two kids. I shut up.

"Owen, no, I don't mean to say I know exactly how you are hurting. I know I hurt in my way when going through my divorce and you are hurting your way in yours. I was hoping that I might have learned something from my experience that you could use."

"Okay, divorce expert, lay some knowledge on me."

"Owen, if your situation is similar to mine, your biggest enemy is yourself. You have to start caring about yourself and others. Not necessarily Pamela, but others. I was lucky that I had the kids. They loved me out of my depression."

"I don't have kids."

"You need to go out and be with other people. Be nice to them. Do things for them."

"Why should I?"

"So they will be nice to you."

"How do I be nice? Bribe them?"

"Well, if you have that much money to burn, there will be plenty of people to take it. I was thinking more about charity work."

"Charity work? What kind of charity work?"

"Serving food at the Salvation Army. Helping build homes for Habitat for Humanity. Take a divorcee and her kids out to eat." She was smiling.

"You know any divorcees with starving kids?"

"I might. How about Friday night?"

"What about your sister?"

"She said it was fine by her. Of course, she gave me the short list of all your faults."

"And you still want me to take you out?"

"Yes."

"Do we have to take the kids?"

"Yes, we are a package deal."

"I guess I can tolerate them for a little while."

"Pam, I admit that tweaking your nose was one of my motivations for taking your sister out. When we met at McDonalds's, the kids were already at the kiosk putting in their order. Regina had already paid for them before I could offer. She said, 'The offer was to have a meal together, not to have you pay for our food. You might have to hit the ATM if you had to do that.'

"I sat and ate my food, I think what I ate qualified as food, and marveled how Regina could stay the eye of the storm as the kids whirled around her. I swore I saw a cow flying by. The kids had dozens of questions including 'Why aren't you our uncle anymore?' and 'Why aren't you and Aunt Pam married anymore?' and, my favorite, 'Do you have another woman to play with like our Daddy did?' Regina blushed in embarrassment but knew the way her kids acted was a great test for a husband-to-be applicant. They appeared so happy and full of life, I wasn't bothered by the noise.

"Regina and I dated and just spent time together, alone some, and with the kids some. I would go back to my old ways every now and then, taking her for granted or just being obstinate. Regina's reaction was to love me through the rough times. She never gave up. I would screw up over and over again, but she would never give up. Finally, I realized that this was the woman I wanted, and I would be stupid not to change in order to have her. We married a few months later.

"I still screw up at times, but usually I realize it quickly and beg her forgiveness and we go on. She approached her ex about letting me adopt the kids. He wanted to keep partial custody just so Regina would be irritated. When she told him how much money it would save him in child support, he finally caved. Your niece and nephew are my kids now, just like they were born to me."

I sat in silence for a long time. My mind and emotions were sliding into each other like passengers in a Tilt-a-Whirl. I shouted out the first thing I could think of, "IT'S NOT FAIR!" Owen and Regina looked puzzled. I continued. I pointed at Owen. "I put up with that man for years. I put up with all his disrespect... his laziness... his arrogance... his... I can't think. Oh yeah, he didn't want kids, but now he has two and I don't have any." I got up and ran for the door bawling my eyes out on the way.

I sat in my car crying so hard I was afraid to drive. Finally, I got some measure of control and drove to my empty house. No body offered me sympathy. Noooo body.

A few days later, I apologized to Owen and Regina for my emotional outburst. My sister responded. "There's no need to apologize. We need a babysitter Friday night if you're interested. The kids have criticized the way we read 'Where the Wild Things Are. 'Aunt Pam does it better.'"

"Can I come early, like tonight?" We chuckled.

EPILOGUE

We settled into a stable relationship. Eventually, I found a man I really liked and he joined me sometimes in activities with Owen and Belinda. I finally came to terms with the reality that our divorce was what it took for Owen to see the need to change. Regina was who it took to guide him to what he should be. Even though Regina was the one to benefit from my sacrifice, in the long run it was the best for all of us.

Oh, I almost forgot. I am due in three months and my new husband wants more after that.