She Made a Mistake

We all settled in a routine, and I enjoyed a quiet river for a year and a half. Roxanne and I were on a trip to San Francisco the following summer when I surprised her with the big question after a wonderful dinner at a renowned seafood restaurant on Fisherman's Wharf. I had arranged everything, up to asking the waiter to give me a few minutes to do my act between main course and dessert.

"Yes, yes, yes, yes!!!" was her overexcited answer, in front of all patrons who started to applaud and congratulate us.

Melodie was overjoyed when Roxanne and I announced our wedding for the following April. She went totally bonkers when we asked her if she would be the main flower girl. She was already imagining her dress and could not wait to tell all her friends at school.

Two weeks later, when I went to pick Melodie up at her mother's, Roxanne was waiting in the car while I got to get her at the door. I noticed that Sophie was subdued. At first, I did not make the connection with my announced wedding. When I pulled out from her driveway, I saw Sophie at the window. She probably

thought I could not see her clearly, but I could see she was crying. Roxanne was cheerfully chatting with Melodie and judging by her attention on my daughter, she had visibly not seen Sophie.

I was lying in Roxanne's bed that evening, unable to sleep (each of us still had our own place). Roxanne was already asleep. I could not get the image of Sophie crying in the window from my head.

We again settled into a routine, this time with everybody focussing onto Melodie entering elementary school. Sophie and I managed to take care of all the extra logistics without ever bringing the topic of my upcoming wedding. But I could feel that the situation was no longer as easy as it had become.

"Does Mommy have a boyfriend?" I asked Melodie one evening, trying to sound casual.

"No, she doesn't," Melodie replied.

"Does she go out from time to time, with her friends?"

"Not really. She takes care of me, and Jacob. But she always stays home. She cries a lot. I don't know why," was her sad answer.

A realization struck me, all of a sudden. Melodie was 6 years old by then. She could not remember the day Sophie and I split. To her, Sophie and I had never been a couple... This abrupt realization almost floored me. Sometimes, we do not realize the depth of the impact that our actions have on children, just because they don't perceive time the same way we do.

The week after, Roxanne received great news: she had gotten promoted and become assistant chief nurse for her department. We went out to one of her favorite restaurants one evening to celebrate this great news.

"The only problem is that this will bring many changes in my schedule. I will still have to work evenings and some weekends, but the assignment will be different. I will know the new schedule after Christmas," she explained, while we were waiting for dessert.

"Ok then, I wanted to buy the tickets for our honeymoon next week, but I guess it's better if I wait until you know what your new schedule will be!" I replied.

This would prove to be a very astute decision...

***

I was chatting with some colleagues at our Christmas party the second weekend of December. Roxanne had not been able to attend with me because two of her colleagues had called in sick that day and she had to work the night shift. The venue was a nice hotel downtown. The hotel was hosting two parties in different rooms that Friday evening. It had been a very good year for the company, and our boss was as usual eager to thank everybody for the success that we had had, so wine and fine liquors and everything were free flowing.

I was returning from the restroom, where I had flushed the 8th beer out of the 3 that I had had when I bumped into a vision of dream. A redhead, almost as tall as me, with the body of a siren and a smile to melt all of Antarctica.

"I'm sorry... I guess I should slow down on the wine, right?! I'm Catherine, by the way," she said, extending a hand.

"I am the one who should be sorry. I wasn't paying attention where I was going. I'm Christian."

I started to chat with her. She was from the other party, a law office. She was a lawyer specialized in international business contracts. When I told her I was in charge of international sales for an engineering company, all hell broke lose! Well, as much as all hell can break lose in a conversation between a lawyer and an engineer... I got another glass from the bar on my side, and she did the same. And the conversation took a more personal twist. And we had another glass. And then we talked about, about... well, I don't really remember.

When I awoke the next day, I was befuddled to realize that I had ended up at Roxanne's place. Or was it at my place? Well, it did not matter where I was. She was there, lying in bed with me. That's what was important.

"Slept well, stranger?" she asked.

Whoa... wait a minute!! Whose voice is this? That's not Rox... I cracked an eye open to see a lock of flaming red hair blocking the view to the room.

OH GOD... OH FUCK... What's her name, again... yes, Catherine, that's it...

She saw the look of confusion on my face and started laughing.

"I guess you had even more than I did!! Don't worry, it did not affect your... performance! I had a great time!" she said, chuckling.

"Did we..."

"Yes we did! Twice!"

"Oh, we did?! Oh, ok, great... yes?"

"Definitely great!"

I had expected to wake up with a splitting headache, but I was ok, surprisingly. Catherine stepped out of bed and jumped in the shower. I was still trying to recall the events of the night before when she emerged from the bathroom, fully dressed. She gave me a peck and told me she had had a great time. But she had to hurry because it was already 9:50 and there was a next day breakfast scheduled for their group at 10:00.

"Don't worry about the room, that was my reservation and it's already been paid by my office. I think check out time is 12:00. That was a very nice evening, Chris. Thank you so much!"

She opened the door, then turned her head to look at me.

"By the way, don't worry, honey. I'm on the pill," she said with a wink. And 2 seconds later she was gone.

I took a shower myself and dressed up, in the same clothes that I had the night before since I had not expected to sleep at the hotel. I was in the elevator on my way out when my phone rang. I could see that it was Roxanne, as expected at this time. I was instantly submerged by a wave, no, not a wave, a tsunami of guilt. The sudden realization that I had cheated on her really struck me for the first time. I could not answer the phone right now. But I could even less not answer...

"Hey honey, how was your night shift," I said, hesitantly.

"It was ok. Nothing very interesting to report." I could sense a little annoyance in her voice. Or maybe it was only the echo of my guilt. "And how was your party? Did it finish late?" she asked.

"Oh, it was nice. Very nice dinner," I said. And then, I made the most stupid mistake I could possibly do. "And no, it did not finish very late. I was home a bit before midnight."

She was silent for one or two seconds.

"Ok, I see. Well, I have to go. Lots of things to do today," she said, with a funny inflexion.

"Ok, bye now".

That was the most awkward conversation I had ever had with her. Was she suspecting something? There was no way she could have. She was working the night before. When she works the evening shift, she almost always goes to her apartment that is only a five-minute drive from her work, whereas mine is almost 30 minutes away.

I had a hard time concentrating on the road on my way home. I stopped at a diner to get a bit of breakfast. I did not have much appetite. I was feeling so bad for what had happened the night before, even if my memories of the evening were not precise or complete.

I had a strange feeling when I got home. It did not feel the same. I could not explain why, but it was feeling strange.

I had my answer when I entered my bedroom.

There was a piece of paper on the bed that looked like a handwritten letter.

Chris,

Last night you did the second to last thing I was expecting from you. You had sex with another woman. And this morning, you did the last thing I could expect. You lied to me.How do I know that? Well, it turned out to be a very slow evening at work. My colleagues told me that they would be ok. I had brought a dress in case I could slip out before the end of my shift. So I showered, got dressed, then drove to your Christmas party to surprise you. You never saw me, busy that you were flirting with that red bimbo. I stayed long enough to see you hit the elevator with her. I went home crying. I came here this morning to see if we could do something about this. I realized that you hadn't even slept

here. I gave you a call, and you lied to me. YOU FUCKING LIED TO ME, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!!

I have taken all my things from your apartment. I will put your things in a box that I will leave at the office in my apartment building.The key to your appartement is on your bedside table.

It struck me that you left Sophie over a one-night. Yes, she got pregnant. But at least, she never lied to you.

See you NOT.

Rox.

I read the letter three times. I laid on my bed, looking at the ceiling. I could not think. I was stunned, taken aback, disgusted, BY MY OWN ACTIONS.

I tried to call Roxanne. Predictably, she did not answer. I left a message. We used Messenger a lot. But when I tried to send her a message, I saw that she had already unfriended me. I sent her a text message. I asked her to talk to me, that I did not want to explain because there was nothing to explain, there was no good reason for me to have done what I had done, but that I wanted, I needed to apologize.

Then a second wave of messages. And a third later that evening. And a fourth the next day. And another every day of that week. She never replied.

I went to the residence where she worked, and I was told that she had taken a few days off and had left specific instructions that I was not allowed to come in and talk to her.

The only communication I received was a message from the administration of her building saying that there was a box waiting for me, and that I had 48 hours to pick it up or else it would be disposed of. I went to her building, got the box, and tried to ring Roxanne's apartment, but got no answer.

I was not in the best of moods the next day, when I picked up Melodie at Sophie's place. It must have shown in my face, because Sophie asked me if I was all right. She looked genuinely concerned. I did not think it could be possible, but another wave front of guilt engulfed me at that precise moment, possibly even worse that the ones I had had the week before. I realized I could not look at Sophie in her eyes.

'WHAT KIND OF FUCKING SANCTIMONIOUS HYPOCRITE AM I?!?!?!?' The thought struck me like thunder.

The wave of guilt kept on rolling for the rest of the day. Even Melodie picked up on my sour mood.

"Are you ok Daddy? You look so sad."

"You're so kind, my little chickadee. I have a big problem to solve. So yes, you're right, I'm not feeling well. But I'll be ok."

"Why don't you call Roxy? You're always in a good mood when she's around!"

"Well, I can't call her now. It's a bit complicated. I will explain later, ok?"

She gave me a funny look, the kind of look I had not seen in her big eyes yet. She was analyzing, making connections and deductions. At the same time, she felt she was better dropping the subject. Children are often so much sharper that we give them credit for.

After I put her to bed that evening, I stayed in the living room, sipping on a glass of red wine. The oddest thing is that a part of me missed Rox and was feeling bad toward her, but there was an even bigger part of me that felt bad toward Sophie.

Sophie had had wine and had ended up having sex with Daniel Levesque while she was in a relationship with me. I had beer and slept with Catherine while I was in a relationship with Roxanne. Was that at all more acceptable?

Sophie had had sex with another man without caring about the risk of getting pregnant. I had sex with another woman without caring about the risk of getting her pregnant. Again, was that at all more acceptable?

Ok someone might argue that Sophie was married to me. Ok, but I was engaged to Roxanne. Was that a big difference?

No, that was not the real difference. The difference was that Sophie was upfront with me. She had the courage to be honest. But I lied to Roxanne, like a coward, unable to face the music.

"Daddy, why haven't we seen Roxy the whole week?" Melodie asked, on Thursday evening.

That was it. Another fork in the road. The decision was easier for me to make this time. I would not lie to my daughter. I squatted down.

"Roxanne and I have split, sweetheart. That's why I've been sad all week."

"You mean you two will not be getting married?"

"No, honey. We will not see her again," I replied, defeated.

Melodie threw herself in my arms and started crying.

"I thought you two were looking forward to getting married," she said, after a few minutes of sobbing.

"We were. But something bad happened. Something I cannot tell you right now, but that I will tell you in a few years, ok?"

Those big eyes, wet and red this time. Seeing her cry always broke my heart. She nodded. I took her in my arms.

Later that evening, we cuddled on the couch and watched Frozen for the 594th time, then I put her to bed.

***

Is it any use to mention that I did not have the most thrilling Christmas season of my life that year? I ended up spending the 24th alone in my apartment because my parents were in Florida. Sophie called me on the 25th.

"Hey Chris, Melodie told me last night that you and Roxanne had split. Are you ok?"

"Yes. I'm ok. Thank you for asking. That's very kind of you, given the circumstances."

"Are you alone tonight? I know it had been decided that Melodie was with me for both the 24 and the 25 this year, and that she was with you for the 31st and the 1st of January because your parents are in Florida for Christmas, but we can be flexible, you know? I am going to some friends' place tonight. Why don't you come along? You remember Caroline and Patrick?"

"Again, that's very kind of you Soph. But I'm in no mood to go to a party. I wouldn't be of good company. Plus, I have a lot of thinking to do. Most of it is overdue, actually. But thank you very much. And yes, I remember them. Please give them my regards."

"Ok then. Do not hesitate if you change you mind or if you want to talk, ok?"

"Will do. Thank you so much Soph. And have a Merry Christmas!"

***

I was glad Christmas was finally over.

I had to go on a very important trip in January-February. It was a real milk run: Boston, Raleigh, Dallas, Mexico, Sao Paulo, Buenos Aires, then Toronto on my way back. I would be away for three weeks. Sophie assured me she was ok with rearranging our schedule regarding Melodie.

I was sitting at the gate at Toronto-Pearson awaiting my last flight back to Montreal. I was on my tablet, catching up on the local news. A friend of mine had emailed me a few days before to tell me that he had lost his mother. I took a few minutes to visit the obituary section on the newspaper. While searching for my friend's mother, I stumbled upon a face that made my jaw fall onto the floor: Daniel Levesque. The

notice said that he had died accidentally.

I did some quick research on the news and found out that he had been involved in a car accident 10 days before. I wanted to call Sophie, but the gate attendant had started to call my flight.

I realized I had no longer been mad at the guy for a long time. I actually had sympathy for his family, and yes, for his son. I did not see him very often, thinking of it. I think Sophie made sure to keep him out of my sight when I picked Melodie up at her place.

I got home at 19:00 that Friday. I was supposed to pick Melodie up the next day early enough to have breakfast with her. I called Sophie.

"Hey, just got home. How are you doing?"

"I'm fine. That was a big day. Do you want to talk to Melodie?" she asked.

"No, I'll see her tomorrow. I wanted to ask you how you were doing. I saw about Daniel in the obituaries. Why didn't you tell me when I called you last week?" I wanted to convey that I could be there to help if she needed but I did not want her to feel like I was blaming her for not having informed me.

"Why would I tell you about him? He's just the father of my second kid. He's not my boyfriend. How many times will I have to repeat that?" she snapped at me.

"Whoa! Sorry... I was not implying anything here. I just wanted to offer my help for whatever. I know very well the guy was not your boyfriend. That's ok. Let's drop this. I'll pick Melodie up tomorrow."

"Sorry... I'm sorry Chris. I did not mean to snap at you like this. I apologize. And yes, the past days have been tough on me. I had to explain to Jacob that his father was dead. He's 3 and a half now. He misses his father, but I'm not sure how much he understands that he's not gonna see him again. That's not been easy, for him or for me."

"That's ok Soph. I understand. How has it been on Melodie? She tells me that she is very close to Jacob. But she did not mention that Daniel was dead when I had her over the phone."

"She's doing a great job with her brother. And no, she didn't mention anything to you because I had asked her not to. I wanted to tell it to you myself. I know that Daniel is a delicate subject for you, and I understand why. I just had not expected that you would find it in the papers."

One thing I hate to hear is that people sugar-coat what they tell me for fear that I react badly. It makes me feel like I am being treated like a child. I understood why Sophie acted like she did, but I was mad at her for treating me like some unstable substance that could explode at any time.

Or was I mad at myself for having given her a reason to treat me like this...?

I debated with myself about going to the funeral home to present my condolences. I talked about it with my boss, Mr. Roy, at the end of my debriefing on Wednesday (I had taken Monday and Tuesday off, to recuperate a bit).

"Chris, why don't you go? It will force you to make peace with that part of your past. You know, extending a hand and smiling at someone who did you harm is very difficult, but when you have done it once, then it becomes much harder to stay mad and refuse forgiveness to that person. And from forgiveness comes peace."

Mr. Roy had not gotten to where he was by being stupid. His reflections on life have always given him the reputation of a great listener and adviser. Maybe I should have talked and listened to him more in the past?

I arrived at the funeral home at the end of the morning on Saturday. I had told neither Melodie nor Sophie that I would pay a visit. The place was moderately crowded. The first person I saw was Sophie. She looked dumbstruck to see me there. Melodie and Jacob were there with her, with Jacob seemingly not really understanding what he was doing there. I squatted to talk to him. He just took refuge behind his mother's legs. I did not insist.

Sophie explained that Daniel had lost his mother a few years ago, but that his father was there. I knew all this from the PI report that I had ordered, but I did not breathe a word about it to Sophie. As I walked up to Daniel's father, at least two people stopped me to ask if I was Daniel's brother.

"No, I'm not. I'm just an acquaintance of Daniel's," I replied, politely smiling.

"Oh, sorry. But you look so much like Daniel!"

That was really weird...

I finally got to the father and offered him my condolences, introducing myself as Sophie's ex-husband. Mr. Levesque hesitated a bit but finally accepted my offered hand.