Shelby, the Pussy Man

I had to grin.

"Shelby is a man. His name is Gale Shelby Anderson, but he thinks Gale is too feminine sounding so he goes by Shelby."

When Sandy laughed, I knew I was going to like her.

"Shelby isn't any better. I know a girl named Shelby."

"Yeah, I had the same thought, but he's a guy, kind of."

Tiffany giggled.

"What does 'kind of' mean."

"Well, he was wearing a T-shirt that said boys cry too and his shorts looked like red boxers and he was wearing pink Crocs. He seemed to be really in touch with his feminine side because he cried a little there at the last. He was also carrying a purse."

Sandy had her brow wrinkled like she was trying to remember something. She looked up then.

"Was he short and skinny?"

"Yeah, maybe five two or so, and he looked like a decent wind would blow him over."

"I remember a guy in pink Crocs, so I think I know who you're talking about. Is Angela taller than him with long brown hair and really big boobs and a great tan, except not a tan but more like she's Latino?"

I nodded.

"That's how he described her. Where did you see them?"

Sandy frowned.

"I went to one of those feminist protests and they were there. The guy seemed like he was all for the feminist movement. She, maybe not so much. I didn't think much of either of them, but then, I didn't think much of the other women either. I thought they'd be protesting for women's equality at work and in politics. What most of them were was just women who seem to hate men.

"I didn't have a girlfriend and I thought I might find one there, but they weren't lesbians either. I don't know what you are if you hate men but aren't a lesbian. Maybe they just don't like sex. I thought a lot of them didn't like being women either, because they didn't do much to make themselves look better.

Sandy smiled at me then.

"I don't hate men. I wouldn't fuck one on a bet, but I kinda like some guys. They come in handy for carrying stuff and changing tires and fixing the toilet when it won't stop running."

I asked Sandy if she'd seen Angela in the last couple weeks and she nodded her head.

"I think I saw them at the Pride march that was about then. If it was the same couple, they were like before. He was all excited to be there and she looked like she'd be happier cleaning the hair out of the sink drain."

"So you don't think she might have decided to get a girlfriend?"

"Not unless she changed a lot. I saw a couple of girls talking to her, but she just shook her head and they walked away."

I was running out of ideas fast.

"Was there anybody there she seemed to be friendly toward either of those times?"

Sandy screwed up her face again, and then smiled.

"Well, there was this one guy at the Pride march. He wasn't part of the march though. He was one of the cops there to make sure nothing got out of hand."

That was the lead I'd been hoping for.

"Do you remember what type of uniform he had on?"

"Well sure, because he stood out like sore thumb. He wasn't out on the street with the rest. He was kind of back in the alley and he had on all that stuff like the Army guys at Fort Campbell wear except his was all black."

Tiffany piped in then.

"You've been to Fort Campbell?"

Sandy grinned.

"Yeah. I met this girl three years ago at the Lipstick Lounge. She was a Communications Specialist at Fort Campbell. We watched the fireworks on Fort Campbell together on the Fourth of July."

Tiffany grinned.

"I'll bet that's not all you did."

Sandy smiled sweetly.

"Let's just say Melanie really knew how to communicate once we got back to my apartment."

As I drove back home that night, I was feeling better about the case. I had a lead, not much of a lead, but it was something. If the guy was wearing blacked-out riot gear, he had to be part of the Nashville PD SWAT team. There aren't a lot of those guys and they change pretty often because the Nashville PD isn't big enough to need a full-time SWAT team. They're specially trained regular officers who do a tour of the SWAT team once in a while. I'd have to talk to several before I found out who the guy was, but if I could, maybe he could tell me where Angela was.

The next morning, I called Roger Ames, the captain of the local precinct. Before I could tell him what I wanted, he said, "Goddammit Harry, don't tell me you shot somebody else."

"No Roger, I didn't shoot anybody. I promised you I'd try not to do that again. I am working on a case though, and I think one of your SWAT guys might know who I'm looking for. Can I talk to them?"

Roger said the SWAT team was at the Academy for a training exercise, but he thought it would be OK if I talked to them while they were having lunch.

About eleven-thirty I drove over to the academy. It's good to have friends in high places. Roger had called the academy and told them why I was coming, so it wasn't any problem getting into the cafeteria.

SWAT guys are a different breed of cat, but they have to be. They're the guys who take care of things the other officers aren't trained to do like active shooters, mass riots, and shit like that. They tend to be big guys and they're all business when they're on duty. Off duty, they're about like anybody else, but I don't think I'd ever try to fuck with one of them. It would probably hurt a lot and for a long time.

They were happy to help me out once they knew what I wanted. Like I said, SWAT guys are still cops, and cops would rather help people than arrest them. I sort of left out the part about Shelby. I didn't think the way he looked was relevant, and if I'd told them about that, they'd have laughed so hard I'd never have gotten anything out of them.

I was down to two guys and it was almost time for them to get back to their training exercise when I asked Mac Diaz if he knew a woman named Angela. He looked at me and said, "Angela what?"

"Angela Marie Salvador-Anderson."

He shook his head.

"I know an Angela Marie Salvador. What does this Angela Marie Salvador-Anderson look like?"

I went through Angela's description, and Mac grinned.

"Well, that sounds like her. Why are you looking for her?"

"Her husband wants her back."

Mac grinned.

"I didn't know she was married, but that might explain a couple things. What's her husband like?"

I gave him a description of Shelby. I left out the part about his pink Crocs though. Mac listened to me and then grinned again.

"Pink Crocs, right? I thought I saw her with him right before she walked up to me. I didn't know she was married to the scrawny little asshole. I figured she was a lesbian and he was just another gay guy who's friends with lesbians."

Mac winked at me then.

"She wasn't a lesbian though."

I wasn't about to ask him what they'd done, but I did ask him if he knew where she might be. Mac grinned again.

"Hell yes I do. She's living with me. Might have to take another look at that if she's married though. I suppose you want to talk to her?"

I told Mac I really did need to talk to her because I had to tell her husband something. Mack gave me his address.

"She'll be home now. I'll call her and tell her you're coming."

Angela was everything Shelby had said and a whole lot more. When I told her who I was, she said, "You must be the guy Mac called me about. Come on in and I'll tell you what happened. You want a cup of coffee or a soda?"

Over coffee, Angela told me why she'd left Shelby, and why she hadn't been in contact with him to tell him why.

"I met Shelby when I was a senior in high school and he was a senior at UT. There was this feminist protest march in Nashville, and I went to it. I mean, that's all girls heard from the movie stars and women in politics, that women weren't treated equally in the work force, that they made less money than men doing the same job, and that most men's idea of how to treat a woman is to keep her barefoot and pregnant.

"We were talking at lunch one day and when Lois said she was going to the protest march in Nashville, a bunch of us decided to go too. We drove over and found where they were getting together, and I saw this guy there. He was helping to organize things, and when we asked him what we should do, he handed us signs and said just to walk along with the others and yell what they were yelling.

"Shelby was a lot different than the boys at school. He was a lot more mature and he talked like he was really sympathetic with the women's movement. I liked him for that and apparently he liked me. I gave him my phone number and we talked a few times after that.

"When he got a job in Nashville, he called me and asked me out. I was pretty thrilled. We dated for six months and then he asked me to marry him. I'll tell you, I was just blown away by how he said we should treat our marriage because it was all about how I'd have all this freedom to do what I wanted.

"He kept his word about that. The only thing we ever did together was sleep together and go to protests. Shelby believed that as a man, he should show people a man could be what the feminists said a man should be, so he went to every feminist protest he could find. It was the same with the lesbian protests. Shelby said nobody had a right to criticize a woman for liking other women more than she liked men. If he went to those protests too, he thought he was showing the women there was at least one man on their side.

"After two months of marching down the street with a bunch of women I didn't know, I came to a couple of conclusions. The first was a lot of those women just don't like men. It isn't that they want an equal chance to compete with men, it's that they want to be preferred over men because they think all men are jerks.

"The other conclusion I came to was I didn't love Shelby like I thought I did. Shelby's a nice guy, but I thought he was a man. He kind of is, I mean he liked having sex with me and it was pretty good, but at one of the protests, a guy pushed me and then got up in my face and said I just needed a real man to fuck me and I'd change my mind about men. I thought Shelby would defend me. Instead, he smiled at the guy and said that kind of attitude was exactly why the women were protesting. Then he asked the guy if they could go have a cup of coffee and discuss it so he could explain what women really wanted from a relationship.

"Well, I mean, how would you feel? I felt like he should have at least pushed the guy away from me. When we went to the Pride march, it was even worse. Another guy called me a pussy-licker and said one time with his big dick would cure me. I told Shelby I thought we should leave before things got any worse. Shelby smiled and said if we did, we wouldn't be doing our civic duty to support people who were experiencing discrimination every day. I was so pissed, I just walked away. That's when I met Mac. He was standing there in the alley watching the crowd, and when I walked toward him, he smiled at me.

"I looked at him in all that combat gear and he looked like he could take on most of the men at that march all by himself. I smiled back and walked up to him and asked him why he needed all that stuff. He said he probably wouldn't unless somebody had a gun and he didn't think any of the people there would get within ten feet of one.

"I stood there beside him until the march went past and then asked him when he got off. I know, it was the wrong thing to do, but I was so pissed at Shelby. Mac took me out for dinner and we ended up here. He was so different from Shelby I couldn't believe it.

With Shelby, it was always, "do you like this", "am I doing it too fast for you", and other stuff like that when I just wanted him to shut up and take charge. Mac took charge...damn, did he ever take charge. I couldn't believe how it felt because it never felt that great with Shelby. That's one of the reasons I'm still here, that and I don't have to worry that Mac will do whatever it takes to make me feel safe."

Well, I understood completely. The only real question I had was one I couldn't ask and that was why she hadn't kicked Shelby in the balls after he didn't defend her that first time.

"OK, I understand everything you just said, but why didn't you let Shelby know you were leaving? Most women would have."

Angela looked at the floor.

"I didn't want to hurt his feelings. Shelby got tears in his eyes when one of the lesbians said a straight guy shouldn't be marching in a Pride march. I hate to think what he'd have done if I told him I was leaving him."

"Well, Angela, you're going to have to tell him sometime. I'll have to tell him what I found out, but he probably won't believe it's over unless you tell him."

She shook her head.

"I know that. I just haven't figured out a way to do it. He's such a nice guy and I don't want to hurt him."

I told Angela I'd try to break it to him gently, but she really should find a lawyer and divorce him if she was going to live with Mac. I also said I was pretty sure Mac was going to tell her the same thing. She nodded and said she'd been thinking about that.

I had enough to tell Shelby what was going on. I didn't really want to be the one to tell him though. Like Angela said, I figured he was going to fall apart when I told him Angela wasn't coming back. I've had women cry in my office when I gave them the results of my investigation, and I have to just sit there until they stop. Well, there have been a few I sort of uh... comforted, but usually, I just let them cry it out.

If Shelby started tearing up, I'd have the urge to slap the shit out of him and tell him grow a set of balls and accept the fact Angela didn't like him because he was a goddamned fucking wimp.

I did call him, and I felt that urge building as soon as he walked into my office. His pink T-shirt said "The World Has Bigger Problems Than Boys Who Kiss Boys And Girls Who Kiss Girls". His shorts were blue instead of red, and the Crocs this time were bright orange. His purse was the same though.

I guess he thought I was staring at him because he smiled a wimpy smile.

"I'm going to a Pride rally this afternoon. They really need the support. So, I assume you found Angela."

I nodded and decided to just tell him the facts.

"Yes, I found her. She's living with another guy, and she says she's not coming back to you."

His lower lip quivered a little.

"Where does she live? I have to go talk to both of them."

I'd have given my left nut to watch that conversation...all three seconds of it before Mack threw Shelby through the door, but I'd promised Angela I wouldn't tell him that. Ethically, I should have just given Shelby her address and let things happen as they would but I liked Mac and I liked Angela, and my ethics tend to be pretty flexible. I used what the DA usually calls "prosecutorial discretion". I just called it giving Shelby what he deserved for being such a fucking jackass.

"Angela doesn't want you to know where she lives. She'll contact you soon, I'm sure. You should probably hire a lawyer and get ready for the divorce."

Shelby was wiping his eyes when he left my office, but I couldn't feel sorry for him. I like women and I respect them for who they are. I also know that with the exception of a few who go around wearing pink pussy hats, most women like a man to be a man. That doesn't mean they want some guy who orders them around like a slave. Well, there are some who do like that, but most just want a guy who makes them feel safe and secure.

To congratulate myself for not telling Shelby he wouldn't be in this position if he'd been a little more like John Wayne and a lot less like Winnie The Pooh, I poured myself half a jelly glass of scotch and lit a cigarette. I hoped that would be the last I ever saw of Gale Shelby Anderson and his goddamned Crocs.

I was enjoying the hell out of both when my door opened and Shelby walked in. No, not wimp-ass Shelby Anderson again. This time it was Shelby Miller, the sexy blonde. She grinned.

"Hi Harry. How's it going?"

Well, it was so-so until she walked through my door. After she did, things started clicking along very nicely. Shelby Miller was what I needed to take my mind off Shelby Anderson.

She was the same Shelby except the first time she came to my office, she'd been wearing a conservative dress. She'd worn dresses every other time I saw her as well, because I only saw her when she was either going to work or coming home from work. That afternoon she was wearing a tank top with horizontal stripes that fit like a second skin and jeans that fit just about the same way.

My ex would never wear anything with horizontal stripes. She said horizontal stripes made her ass look big. Her ass was pretty big anyway, so I never argued with her. I guess she was right though. Shelby's big tits looked bigger than I remembered them being.

The tight jeans were just icing on the cake, and I was thinking whoever baked that cake really knew what the hell they were doing.

I smiled back.

"I'm good. I'm a lot better now that you walked in. What can I do for you? Homer didn't come back, did he?"

Shelby frowned a little then.

"No. I went to his trial today. I feel kind of sorry for him now. He doesn't seem to be very smart and he just thought I liked him. Why he was so infatuated by an older woman I'll never be able to figure out, but that's what he told the judge -- he loved me and wanted to tell me that, but I would never answer the door when he knocked.

"He isn't going to have to go to jail, and I'm kind of thankful for that. The judge issued a restraining order like you said they would, and he has to go to counseling for a year. I hope they can straighten him out. I'm not sure they can though. He didn't really seem to understand why what he did was wrong."

Shelby seemed to be a little down, so I tried to cheer her up a little.

"Well, I understand why he liked you. You may be older than he is, but you're a woman most men would look at and then look again to make sure they weren't just dreaming."

Shelby grinned then.

"Oh Harry, you're just saying that to make me feel better."

"No, it's the truth. I never lie about how a woman looks. If she's not very attractive, I just won't say anything, but I always tell the truth about a woman who looks as good as you do."

"You don't think my boobs and butt are too big? I always have."

Shelby was still grinning, so I knew she didn't really believe that.

"No, not at all. I'd say you're just this side of great."

Shelby leaned forward and I discovered that tank top wasn't as tight as I'd thought. The low neck sort of fell open and showed me her big tits sitting in a black, lace bra.

"So, what would it take for you to say I'm all the way to great?"

Well, right then, I was thinking she'd be great if her big tits were swinging over my face while she fucked me cross-eyed. I didn't tell her that though. I wanted to, but I didn't know Shelby well enough to say anything like that to her.

"Well, maybe I was mistaken a little, because you're already a great looking woman."

"So, what else do you do with great looking women besides tell them they look great?"

I shrugged.

"It depends on the woman, I suppose."

"Do you just talk or do you show them?"

I was starting to get the idea Shelby hadn't dropped by just to tell me about Homer's trial.

"I guess it would depend on what the woman wants."

Shelby smiled.

"What if she wants you to do more than stare down the front of her top like you've been doing to me for the last few minutes? It's OK, by the way. That's why I wore this top, so you could look."

Well, now I knew what she wanted. I didn't have the faintest fucking idea why, but I knew what she was after.

"Well, if I knew why she wanted me to do more, I probably would...if she looked as great as you do."

Shelby let her fingertips glide over her right breast right where I figured her nipple would be.