tagHumor & SatireShop 'till You Drop

Shop 'till You Drop

byPMDlite©

"Welcome viewers to a very special evening on the Home Value Network! We have bargains galore for you tonight -- and more than a few surprises!" For Jon Yardley, the on-air host for the television shopping channel, every night was a 'special' night, but even he had no idea of the surprises in store for April first.

Gary, the senior camera man for the network stifled a yawn as the handsome, almost too good looking host began to embellish the litany of products and special offers which lay ahead for the audience that evening.

Jon continued, "Our guest this evening is none other than that famous French chef Jean-Raoul, and I understand that he has brought his new line of drink mixes designed to make a master mixologist out of everyone, so let's have a big HVN welcome for Jean-Raoul!"

Gary zoomed in on Jon's left side, the side he always said was his best side and waited for the canned applause from the studio technician's machine to die down. Dave wondered if Jon would ever get a guest's name right and was tempted to get a shot of the chef's expression as Jon pronounced the name as something like 'Jan-Rawl'. What the hell, it wasn't the guys real name anyway. Gary had heard he had changed it from Jim-Bob or something after he had worked in as a short order cook in a diner. The two looked like they were meant for each other, neither was quite what they appeared to be.

Off to Gary's left, where the glare from the studio lights obscured her from being seen from the set stood another of the HVN stable of personalities, Candi Beck-Yardley. She had her own show coming up in a few hours -- the "Fitness Focus" with everything you needed to lose those extra pounds and look sexy while doing it. Gary thought it was odd to see her, she had rarely visited Jon's show, even when their marriage had been good. Of course, those two weeks had passed quickly, and after the hype of their on-air wedding, somehow HVN had never quite gotten around to announcing their separation. There were still grandmothers calling in to see if Candi and Jon were 'expecting'. Gary thought of the demon spawn that might come from such a union and shivered. Then he focused back on the set for the start of the sell.

"It's great to see you again John-Roll" Jon gushed. They had met for the first time about twenty minutes before when the pseudo French chef had arrived at the studio. "What have you brought us tonight?" He asked as if he didn't know. Maybe he didn't, after all he did have the attention span slightly less than a twelve year old child on Christmas morning.

Gary had seen this before. Let's just hope he remembers the call in number this time. Last week he had given out the competitions' number and a month ago he gave out a phone sex number. That actually got some decent ratings, which actually had given Gary the idea for tonight's special prank. He had been planning to leave HVN, and he figured this might be the perfect way to go out with a bang. The other staff hustled around as the show started up again.

"As you know, I am here with my new home bartending kit -- not just for any drinks, but for those special ones. Perfect for those little paper umbrellas, which of course, come in the kit!" Jean-Raoul was laying on the fake French accent a bit thick, either that or he had one hell of a cold in that big red nose of his. "What we have done is tested all the recipes and boiled then down to their simplest form. Each of our kits is centered around one special fruit. And they don't have to be made only with alcohol, they can stand alone as a non-alcoholic libation."

Jon broke into his guest's description. He had been silent about as long as Gary had ever seen him. "I'll bet that was fun - testing all those recipes! And speaking of testing, why don't we do that right now. But only the non-alcoholic variety, I've got a show to do here."

"Right." Gary muttered as he moved to get a better angle on the product. This would be the first time the show stopped Jon from a little 'toddy for the body' on the show.

"So, what should we try first, John-Paul?" Maybe he had sampled the stuff before the show. "What's in that green box?"

Jean-Raoul ignored the name change and held up a metallic green box which played havoc with Gary's monitor. No product close-up on that, he thought. Anyone with astigmatism or a tendency to be motion sick would already have punched the clicker button. Despite sixty years of technology, a simple herringbone pattern or heavy stripe pattern could still give the television camera fits in transmission. "Ah, a good choice. The green is our lime delights. With it you have everything to make such specialties as lime rickeys, margaritas, daquiris and many other tropical treasures."

Jon's face lit up "I could certainly go for a gimlet, that's lime, isn't it?" He mugged for the camera.

Jean-Raoul shot him a look of disgust before continuing. "Well, yes and no. You see, our mix is pure fresh lime. Squeezed the very way it was intended. To make a gimlet, you the processed lime juice that comes in a bottle. There is a big difference as my good friend Victor J. Bergeron always used to tell me."

Well, at least the guy had some credentials for hawking drink mixes, Gary thought. Probably only a few barflies and trivia buffs would have recognized the real name of Trader Vic who had popularized many of the fruity exotic drinks that appeared in these mixes. For the record, Gary was not a trivia buff.

Candi was still watching from the shadows. Gary just figured that maybe there was still a little ember burning for Jon. But Gary had other things on his mind. He had made sure that the set for tonight had plenty of real booze in the bottles and for a great April Fool's Day show he had hired a number of women from the local college to help be models for the upcoming "Fitness Focus". He had expressly noted in the ad that some nudity may be involved, and if that deterred any applicants, he sure couldn't tell. He had had a great time reviewing the applications and had ten very excited women waiting in the wings.

Jean-Raoul poured out the first of his concoctions for Jon. "This yellow and brown box is the sour mix. Mainly lemon, so it is great for the Collins drinks, hard lemonade, and many others when you page through the unique 'Mixolator' application. Downloadable in the Apple or Android version."

Jon threw back the tall glass. "That must have been John Collins, I tasted some whiskey. Can you introduce me to his cousins? Tom and Rum?" If he did this a few more times, he would be schnockered with the hot lights and all. It all worked in Gary's favor.

It was going on 10pm and Jon had sampled several more of Jean-Raoul's concoctions. Purely for research purposes, of course. Gary could tell it was having an effect, but he doubted the viewers would notice. His personality stayed pretty much the same, drunk or sober. Obnoxious. But it got viewers attention and the network needed attention. They had been coasting for a while, and by coasting the accountants meant slowly burning money and going into the red. They needed something new, something fresh to start moving up.

Gary turned the camera over to his assistant and went over to talk to Candi. She had to know part of Gary's idea for it to work, so he had clued her in to what she needed to know. Fortunately she never liked to bothered by too many details.. Candi wasn't the problem in getting this prank off the ground.

"Hi Candi, you are looking good as always." Gary found a compliment always made the conversation go well with Candi, whether it was true or not. She did look good with the make up covering a multitude of sins and the spandex revealing a few others. She had kept her shape, that much was certain. "So, this is a little different tonight, we will be doing a simultaneous live tv and webcast online. The assistants that I found will be on the webcast while you handle the live tv part. That make sense?"

"Sure. I never look that good on a small screen. They can have the web stuff. And thank you. I appreciate the compliment, Gary." Candi did appreciate Gary. He knew when to cut away for a long shot and when to come in tight. And he also shot her from the left which was obviously her best side.

Gary went to see his group of aspiring web stars. They were laughing and talking and giggling and googling. It may not have been the best idea to put them all together. "Ladies, your attention? Please?" After the third time he did get noticed. The women all wore different outfits, but all in the new line of Fitness Focus, the new "FF" monogram group. The fact that many of the items looked very similar to the previous years' line but with the new "FF" patch sewn over the old "Fit²" logo. The best part was that Candi's line was multiple pieces, so the women had several layers. Jacket, warm-up pants, top, sport bra, shorts, thong, socks and shoes. And the bag. And the towel. Can't forget the towel. Oh, and the free water bottle.

"We will be kicking off the show in a few minutes, are you ready?" Gary didn't wait for the reply, he knew they were ready, they were here. "You will be appearing on a live web feed and from time to time you may be connected with a specific customer. They may have some questions about the items and may want to see a live demo. I should be around to help prompt you, but if that happens....be creative!" With that he went back to the studio to make sure his assistant Steve was still pointing the camera in the general direction of Jon and Jean. He sure as hell wasn't going to miss this.

On the way back he passed Candi doing her warmup stretches. He paused a moment watching the spandex stretch to its limit around her ass. It was still well formed and he knew he would do that in a heartbeat given the chance. But the show must go on.

Jon and Jean-Raoul were just wrapping up their segment as he came in. Both looked like they had been sampling some of the drink mixes a bit hard. Jon slurred a little as he closed up the show. "Well, I guesh that about covers our deals for tonight. You can shtill order the amazing beverage kit from our website. Remember, no alcohol is included, you have to supply that yourself! John-Roll, you have anything to add?"

Gary got back behind the camera and went in tight on Jean-Raoul. "No, Jon, I theenk we have covered it. I do have an extra pitcher of these collins mixes made up. Perhaps we can watch Fitness Focus while finishing it off!" He had the makings of a good guest host, never hurts to plug the next show.

Jon looked over at his new best friend, aat least until the pitcher ran dry, and added. "That sounds likie a great idea. And remember to go to the website to order your own mixology kit. That does it for us, for now. Happy trails and happy viewing."

We have to get Jon a better closing, Gary thought. But he did appreciate Jon plugging the online side. That was where the best April Fool prank was about to begin. Gary smiled.

The studio cut to a fifteen minute segment which promoted upcoming guests, shows and products. This provided enough time for Gary to get back to the webcast studio and for his assistant to set up the stage for Candi and Fitness Focus.

Gary hurried back across the studio and into the webcast area with a few minutes to spare. The women were doing some stretches and mostly giggling. The athletic wear did look good. It was much more attractive when it was filled and this group did fill it well. There was ample cleavage showing and plenty of perky smiles and winks. "Okay, ladies, we are going live in just a few minutes. Everyone ready? I don't need to tel you to 'sell it', but I will." Gary took his place behind the camera for what would be his most enjoyable show, and if all went well, his last.

"Heeeeelllllooooo, America!" Candi screeched into her microphone that was draped by her cheek. "Hope you are ready to sweat and get active, Fitness Focus is ready to start!" Candi assumed what could only be described as a Wonder Woman pose and continued. "But if you do sweat, our new patented FF wear will wick it away, leaving you ready for more! And speaking of more, tune into the live webcast appearing now online for even more examples of our new line. We think it is the hottest line in Fitness wear. And only available right here on Home Value Network." The web address scrolled across the bottom of the screen.

Gary cued the women and they began what might be described as choreographed chaos. It might have passed for a cheer routine, but Gary was happy to see boobs and butts moving every which way. He would focus on one jiggling pair of tits and then shift to a tight ass moving to the beat of the music that he drowned out with his headphones. On viewers computers a phone number scrolled with the instructions "See a model you like? Call in for some personal conversation! Once an item sells out, bid on the last remaining item on our models. The number remaining is shown at the bottom of your screen. Happy April 1 to our viewers!" All the items had a number 10 shown below them. Almost immediately the phones began to light up.

"Um, yeah, I'm Tom. I'd like to talk to the gal in the blue top? Is she available?" Gary had taken the first call himself and motioned to Deb the young woman in the blue sport bra. He got her attention and had her wave at the camera.

"You bet she is available, let me connect you with her." The technician that Gary had persuaded to join him flipped a few switches and connected the phone line to Deb's headset and microphone. It had been pretty easy to persuade the tech to join the project. All Gary had had to do was let him install the body microphones on each of the girls. And do the sound check. All right, Tom, you are on with Deb. Have a nice chat!"

Meanwhile, a few orders came in. One item in particular seemed to be going faster than the others. An orange striped sport top that barely contained the ample chest of Sarah. Gary focused on her as she bent over and used her arms to demonstrate just how much stress the top could handle before spilling its' contents out into public. 7, 6,5... the tops were selling. Gary typed a new scroll onto the prompter. "Only 5 more tops like what Sarah is wearing are available. Once they are gone, the bidding for the one Sarah has on will begin." Almost immediately the number vanished "5,4,3,2,1...SOLD OUT" "Hi Deb, This is Tom...um...I know what you're wearing, obviously, wanna know what I'm wearing?" The voice from the call was streaming along with the webcast and Gary went back to a focus shot on Deb who looked a little perplexed. Gary gave her a signal to roll with it.

"Uh, yeah, sure, Tom. What are you wearing? And where are you calling from? Anything I can do? Just for you..." Deb had a voice that sounded like sugar. That should light up a few more phone lines.

Tom continued. "I'm not wearing nothin'...." And the sound went down.

Gary opened his sound feed and said in his best announcer voice "Well, Tom, if you'd like to continue that conversation with Deb, we can arrange that if you have a valid credit card handy. For only $5 a minute, we can get you back on the phone. When you are ready, just let Deb know the number, the expiration and that security code found on the back of that card. And now, back to Sarah. Let the bidding begin!" Deb shot Gary a quick thumbs up and gave a wink.

Right on cue, Sarah began to slide the strap off one shoulder and then the other. The scroll below began the bidding. "Text your bid to HVN69. All regular texting and messaging fees apply. You must be 18 and have a valid credit card to participate." The bids came rolling in, and it was soon up to double the $39.99 that the regular tops had sold for. At $95 the bidding slowed and Gary again opened the sound feed. "Alright, we seem to be nearing the moment of truth here for the last remaining Orange crush top. Sarah, show the audience what they are bidding on!" Sara stood back, opened her arms wide and gave a sideways jiggle that caused her breasts to move and shake in every direction. She then coyly turned her back and lowered both straps.

Gary continued as the bid edged up over the $100 mark. "And we are going once." $110. "I see another bid. Any more?" $125. "Still bidding! Let's have that last best offer! Next up will be May's Yoga pants!" A quick cut away to Mary who was bending over and slapped her left cheek as the camera zoomed in. $175. "...and going once. Going twice...SOLD!" As Gary said "SOLD!" the camera returned to Sarah who raised the orange top over her breast and waved it above her head as her tits responded to the freedom and the camera. A zoom in showed the hard nipples on her breasts as she returned her hands to them and modeled them for the audience. She raised one up and it was nearly large enough for her to kiss the rosy areola. Her tongue shot out of her mouth and licked the tip of her nipple as the camera pulled back and went over to Mary who was showing how flexible these particular yoga pants could be.

The pants sold out in a moment and the bidding ensued. The phone lines were ringing and the girls were all getting calls. Gary tried to keep up with a few, but it was just too chaotic, so he focused on showing the main auction. If this didn't get HVN some ratings, nothing would, he thought. But he was enjoying the show as much, hell, more than the viewers.

The bidding on the $49.99 yoga pants was topping out at just over $200. Mary had done a fabulous sell job lowering them slowly until they barely covered her crack. She bumped and ground with the music and had both thumbs inserted in the waist band in the front, stretched it out and let it snap back to her skin which was beginning to shine from the sweat generated by the lights and the routine. "Talk about hot yoga." Gary announced. "It looks like we are about to reach the final bid here." $220. "Going once. Going twice." Gary paused, but for the first time since the show had started, there seemed to be quiet. "Sold!" With that, Mary peeled the black yoga pants down revealing her cute ass which she shook at the camera.

Then modestly she turned, holding the pants in front of her, looking directly into the camera and winked. With a flair, the pants dropped revealing Mary's shaved pussy. Her fingers darted down and lightly traced along the edges of her pink folds as the phones went wild.

It was about this time when Candi sensed something was going on. Several callers had gotten to her show and had asked about the "Orange Crush" top and if the items on the webcast would be showing up on her show anytime soon. Not that it took much, but Candi was confused. The show only had a few more moments to go, so she had her producer just hold the calls and she went back to her routine. "I am sure what you are seeing on the webcast is what we were promoting last week, but what you see here on Fitness Focus is only available here."

Gary looked around the studio. His tech was madly trying to coordinate all the incoming phone calls while taking in the women in various stages of dress and undress. He had managed to establish a live strip show and phone sex line on a national shopping network. Not a bad April Fool's prank. He was certain the FCC would find some problem with it, but it would undoubtedly be looked at in awe for years to come by broadcasters and camera crews. Screw the Emmy, this was his award!

The show continued with several more auctions interspersed with listening in on some of the more interesting phone conversations. Gary thought they probably could have charged more than the $5 per minute, but they had to start somewhere. Mary seemed to be one of the emerging stars of the show, promoting her extension that could handle multiple partners and pairing her audio with a live video feed.

"Oh, Gary, yeah, you want me to touch my pussy while you talk to me? A Jim, are you watching? You like what you see? If you do, I want to hear that hand of yours as you stroke yourself." Mary cooed. She was gold.

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