Silence Between Brothers

***Story features gay incest***

By age 25, Levi tired of his parents treating him like a child. He might have cerebral palsy, but he was an adult god damn it. He needed more independence.

His older brother, Jude, rented an apartment downtown, only ten miles away, Levi reassured his parents. His big brother would be there, could help him.

Their parents' behavior had pushed Jude away too, always medalling, weekly blind dates, church activities, unexpected prospect suiters masquerading as dinner guests. There was scarcely a free moment for yourself, privacy limited to bathroom, bedtime.

Once Jude tasted what it was like away from home during the war, he couldn't go back. Life as a soldier was like home save for pressure to marry: never, and intimacy with men: frequent.

Upon release, Jude moved to the big city where he made friends downtown. He discovered the nightlife and the gay bar.

Times were different. If someone you knew saw you at, or even near the bar, you could lose everything. Though, as a hired construction hand, Jude had little to lose in the way of income, but starting over in a new place was a last resort. People were suspicious of newcomers. You'd have to lie low for years before getting your foot into the gay scene again safely.

Then there was the constant Spector of assault. Groups of men dealing out no-consequence beatings. The police looked the other way; in their mind, we deserved worse than what we got, or law would give.

Cruising spots were safer, but not safe. On a handful of weekends, Jude mustered the courage to go to the bar. He wore a hat, and a thick collared coat to cover his straight wheat-blonde hair and cornflower blue eyes.

By the time Levi moved in, he'd given a single blowjob since his service overseas.

Still, Jude hadn't realized how much he missed his little brother. Plus, with Levi, their parents helped with rent, giving Jude's tight budget a slight stretch. It meant more showers at the local bathhouse, and maybe some liquor.

Levi loved to read philosophy, and Jude listened as he scribbled and sketched. The piles of paper spread across the small round linoleum table, some falling to the floor.

The words of the new philosophers roused hope in the long hours Levi spent alone. Lacking the means, physicality, and social acceptance needed to do much more than sit at home. At least Jude's return each day was something to which he could look forward. A welcome change from home with their mother and her judging eyes. A mother not above scolding and lecturing her sons for pleasing themselves.

Levi glanced up from Beauvoir and furrowed his brow. "Why do you draw so many men?"

"It's the same one." Jude hooked his tongue over his lip. "Tryin' to get him right."

Levi blinked. "Why not a woman?"

Jude rubbed the lead tip against the paper. "Done studies of women. Doing a man now."

Levi surveyed the series of sketches avalanching onto the floor, all men, muscular, without a shred of clothing. He returned to his own study, pushing the images out. He read, "To deny love is to refuse oneself to admit the full transcendence of the other, and to do this is to impoverish one's own existence."

Levi's eyes burned, his throat tightened as he pictured his lonely abyss stretching from birth to death, and, if the Father's words were to be trusted, longer still. It was extra hard on nights when Jude would leave with friends and stay out late. As much as he loathed to admit it, he needed some care and support.

Like anyone who's received care from another, Levi had incidental intimate contact with his mom, dad, doctors, and brother. But none of them touched to bring him pleasure. He knew he wasn't supposed to think such things, but he imagined another man milking his cock. He believed as much as anything, it'd never happen. No one wanted him, man or woman.

After years steeped in the injustice of it all, Levi soured on the idea of a god. If he existed, he was cruel both in this life and the next. Why would he have just as much red-blooded desire as any man, but not the respect or position to act on it?

Twice a week, after dinner, Jude gave his younger brother a sponge bath, and on Saturday evenings they patroned the public bathhouse. Levi walked, clinging to his brother's brawny arm.

Saturday nights were busiest at the bathhouse. The place clamored with the spray of water, echoing voices and laughter. One man noticed them and pointed. He laughed at Levi's expense, encouraging his friends to join in his amusement. After Jude beat the living hell out of him, the rest were content with the occasional stare.

Jude took every limited opportunity to glance at all the bodies and parts, but Levi gave himself a pass on this social norm. He was different. They all could see it, so he leered at anyone he pleased. But Jude, whose physique and proportions rung ideal to Levi, drew his eyes most. Thin, lean skin clung tight to his muscular body with hairy forearms, chest and calves, while his biceps, shoulders, and thighs were silk smooth, unblemished. A thin line of hair fell from the center of his chest, eventually blending into the pubes, crowning his swinging cock.

Jude washed himself first, dirt and grime caking his exposed skin. His thorough wash started first with his hair, then face, followed by neck and forearms, progressing to untanned, seldom seen skin, the pattern of short, light brown hair surrounding his groin, then, finally, the pike itself. After a good rinse, Jude helped Levi.

The younger brother sat on a stool and followed Jude's lathering rhythm with bated breath. Unlike their parents, Jude reliably gave Levi grazes.

Growing up, Levi tried to sort things so his brother bathed him. He usually failed and rarely followed through, fretting about his parents or Jude's suspicions.

At the bathhouse, whenever he caught Jude a bit aroused, Levi touch and grope.

Jude chuckled. "Don't tease."

Levi's skin burned when his brother spoke to him that way, like he was a child.

While Jude worked, Levi had little more to do than read, eat, watch people from the window, and please himself. A heavily stained rag served for cleanup, which Jude dutifully handwashed among the rest of their clothes about every other week. Levi held no illusions that Jude was ignorant of its purpose, but neither of them spoke of it.

Levi pleased himself more than usual before one of their Saturday showers, helping him manage his arousal. Jude did more than graze that night, washing it thoroughly.

Jude hummed, "Must take after Mom's side."

Levi turned to Jude's face, eyes round.

Jude smiled, attention on the task. "Mine looks like Pop's."

Levi's brows lowered.

When had he seen Pop's? Was it true?

Levi's was different in girth and length, superior to his brother in both, one of his few points of pride.

People knew even less about what might be normal or desirable in those days. Levi wondered if one's penis would shrink over time, reversing the trend of youth. Still, when Levi examined the older men, they were either massive as young men or kept that shape and size. Levi basked in the thought that he might always have this over his older brother.

After the bathhouse, Jude's usual engaging demeanor quieted. Single-word answers and grunts displaced the comment comments he'd have on modernism and society.

Levi ached to continue their brief chat in the showers. Why had Jude washed him more thoroughly than usual? When had he seen Pop naked? Why he didn't he court anyone? And what aroused him in the showers?

"Same study?" Levi stretched his neck for a view of Jude's drawing.

"More or less."

Jude spent any extra he had on pencils and paper, the edge of his hand already shadowed with lead.

"Very nice looking." Levi stared at his brother's forehead, hoping he'd meet his eyes.

Jude scribbled and scratched. "A bit idealized--tryin'--" he rubbed his finger on the paper, smudging the lines. "Tryin' to give him a bit more life."

"Looks pretty alive." Levi adjusted in his chair.

Jude chuckled. "Yeah, most don't draw it like this," He hemmed. "It's just for me. I wouldn't be able to sell it, anyway."

Levi's eyes darted between some random spot and Jude's lowered face.

A quiet filled the room.

Jude squinted at the sketch on the paper. "It's like Michelangelo's David is the line. Anything more is just--" He trailed off.

Levi nodded. "Yeah." He cleared his throat. "But if I had the money, I would buy it."

Finally, Jude met Levi's eyes, his smile quivering between full and guarded. "Hey, uh, yeah--thanks."

***

Jude helped Levi to bed as usual.

Later, Jude declined visiting friends' invitation to go out.

The flickering golden glow of an old kerosene lamp whispered as Levi drifted.

***

Refreshed, Levi blinked and stretched. Scrambled eggs wafted through the quiet apartment. Vision blurred, Levi rubbed his eyes. He stood, a white shape on the wall snatched his attention. Jude's finished pencil drawing hung by a pushpin.

"Jude?" Levi turned to the wind-up clock.

He left for work at least twenty minutes ago.

Less than a foot from where it hung, Levi appreciated the picture, arousal tightening in his lower gut.

Peaking through drenched hair under a spout of water, the illustrated man's eyes followed Levi, hips and legs in profile, chest twisting toward the viewer. Smooth, rounding skin over his intricate sinew highlighted with the dark renderings of shadow. His hands lathered an upper thigh behind the arch of an intimidating endowment.

Even when not visible and after multiple satiations, the drawing dominated Levi's mind. How could he express the depths of his appreciation for Jude's talent and generosity? They both clearly appreciated the male form, but did Jude's extend beyond art, as Levi's did?

Levi was the younger brother. Why couldn't Jude help him make sense of all this? What if Levi shared his secret and Jude kicked him out? Would he tell their parents? Who would he go to then? How would he survive? If his parents found out, would they let him come back? Would he even want to?

Levi's stomach tightened. A wave of nausea crashed over him. He held a hand over his mouth, fumbled with the front-door bolts, and stumbled into the hallway. His skin ignited, hobbling to the restroom. He squeezed through the door and dove into a stall, retching over and over until nothing but bile dripped from his lips.

Breath heavy, he held the bowl and rested his head on the seat, stifling a bitter sob.

Levi wiped his chin, negotiating with the stall walls to climb back to his feet. At the sink, he splashed water on his face and cleaned up, drying with his shirt. He scowled at his reflection. Head low, he leaned against the walls as he walked, finally returning to the apartment and collapsing into his chair. His breath labored.

He twisted to the books piled on the side. Off the top, he pushed title after title, sending them tumbling on the floor.

He pulled a thin, worn book toward him. "The Myth of Sisyphus." He opened it to a page marked with ripped paper. His eyes skimmed the words. "The absurd is born of this confrontation between the human need and the unreasonable silence of the world."

Why had he marked this page? He didn't remember reading it. What did it mean? An ironic question for an essay that asserted there was no intrinsic meaning.

Levi's world, even in private, centered on a silent need. Should he break that silence? Could he coax Jude to?

Jude normally walked through the door by 7:30. It was nine. His simmering nerves tipped to a boil. Any resolve he manufactured hours ago softened like his cock after a good nut.

A thud at the door, the jingle of keys, the door kicked open. Jude swayed in the doorway.

"Good evening, Levi." Jude bowed and stumbled into the apartment, nudging the door closed with his hip. It slammed. He covered his mouth and giggled, crossing his lips with an index finger. "Shh!"

Levi stewed in disappointment and righteous indignation.

Jude raised an arm, a brown bag creased around the neck of a liquor bottle. "Brought the party home, little brother." He took a swig. "Here." He extended the arm holding the bottle.

Levi regarded him.

"Don't leave me hanging Levi."

Levi grabbed the bottle by its neck, grazing Jude's fingers. He tipped the end to his lips--cheap whiskey. Levi coughed, choking. He wiped his mouth and drank another, swirling it, the burn distracting him from his foul mood.

Staggering toward his usual seat, Jude bumped the table, knocking a pile of sketches to the floor.

One slid toward Levi, an inferior version of the one hanging on the wall. The younger brother cleared his throat. "The work you pinned up there," Levi pointed. and waited for Jude to look. "It's very--it's--lovely."

Jude brimmed. "Like it?"

"Very much."

Jude mimed a glass in his hand, raising it to toast.

Levi lifted the bagged bottle. He couldn't let things die there. "He's very, uh--" He swallowed hard. "blest."

"That you ah--" Jude belched. "That he is."

Levi pursed his lips. Jude was leaving him crumbs, making him do all the work. Why couldn't he just come out with it? "I looked at it all day."

Jude sat still, his eyes half closed.

"Don't leave me hanging Jude!"

Jude snapped awake. "Hey, yeah, sorry, what?"

Levi took a deep breath. He pointed at the hanging work again. "I looked at your piece all day."

"Yeah?"

Levi gulped, nodding. "I-it uh, made me like, how I-I get at the bathhouse."

Jude smirked. "Hoped it might."

Levi opened his mouth. Words wouldn't form.

"Get some good use outta that rag?" Jude chuckled.

Levi's gape widened.

"Sorry Levi." Jude wiped his lips and glanced toward the single burner stove. "Didn't mean to tease."

Head dithering between a nod and a shake, Levi trembled.

"Wish I could..." Jude waved a hand vaguely toward the place where Levi kept his rag. "You know, a bit more often." He hiccuped.

"When do you?" The words slipped like soap from his hand.

One of Jude's eyebrows twitched. He straightened in his chair. "Mostly after I can tell you're sleeping." He cleared his throat and gestured at the bottle.

Levi lifted it. Jude walked over, seized the bagged bottle, and bottoms up swallowed a long stream. The opening popped with the suction of his mouth. He sighed with satisfaction. Jude grabbed his chair by a leg, twirled it around, straddled the seat back, with his arms folded over the top. He leaned toward Levi. "Tell me a secret."

Levi jolted, credulity draining from his face. "Secret?" His voice broke. "What kind of, secret?"

Jude broke their eye contact, glanced at his fingernails, then returned to Levi's eyes. "Any."

Levi hemmed and hawed. "Why don't you share one? You already know about, about my rag." Levi pointed with his chin.

Jude chuckled. "True." His smile transformed into pursed lips. He studied his younger brother. "Under the mattress." He paused, lips pulling to one side. "I keep some Sears Catalogs."

Levi furrowed. "Kinda secret is that?"

Jude palmed at the air between them with both hands. "Ok ok. I'll show you." He retreated to his bed, returning with two magazines, one worn, the other much newer.

Levi glared at the pages, grabbing the older.

"What's special about--" The magazine opened to a page creased hard with use. Men pictured in not but modern undergarments. His area stirred.

The other magazine folded under his arm, Jude bounced on his heals, biting his lower lip. "Sorry, the women are on..." He reached for the magazine.

Levi jerked the pages away from his brother's extending hand.

Jude chuckled and crouched behind Levi, smiling. His whiskey breath nipped at Levi's ear. "Could do with a few of those." He paused. "Underwear, that is."

Levi turned and shot his brother a glare.

Jude chuckled and rose to his feet behind Levi, opening the other magazine.

Levi's eyes latched onto the mound growing below Jude's buckle, the heat of his older brother warming his face.

Jude dropped a side of the magazine, catching Levi staring. He suppressed a grin and adjusted his crotch.

Levi cleared his throat and pointed at the magazine Jude held. "Show me the new one."

Jude pulled his chair behind Levi and leaned close, holding the images of men open for both to see. The men in the newer issue were more muscular, their underwear even smaller, tighter.

Levi gushed, a moan escaping his lips. His face flashed with heat.

"Good stuff, huh?" Jude flipped to the next page.

Levi drooled. The pressure in his pants grew painful.

"I like the one in the top right." Jude lifted his chin toward the nude man. "More, how'd you put it?" He moistened his lips. "Blest?"

The blood in Levi's veins was ice, freezing him in place. He managed a nod.

Jude rested his chin on his brother's should "Ok, now you."

"Me what?"

Jude huffed. "A secret."

Levi gulped. What happens now? I'm out of control. How long can I stand this? I want him. Does he? I don't have my wits about me. How could he? What if I'm reading this all wrong?

"I, uh, when we were, uh, when you uh," Levi choked.

Jude folded the magazine and placed it on the ground. He caressed Levi's forearm. "It's ok." He paused, thoughtful. "Whatever it is." He paused again. "You can tell me."

Levi trembled, sucking at the air. He mashed his eyes shut. "When we both lived at home, I wanted you to be the one that bathed me." He hazarded a peek through one eye, snapped it closed again. "Not mom, not dad, not the doctors. You."

Jude's caress travelled further down his arm. "I would have. Nothing wrong with it." A few moments passed. "What's the secret?"

Levi flushed, brows furrowing. He thought he'd said enough to be clear. Did he have the strength to make it more so? "Because you'd, you'd--touch me. "Levi's eyes smashed closed again. "Down there."

"Bound to happen." Jude shrugged.

Levi clenched his jaw. Why was his brother making this so hard? So painful. "I wanted you to touch me, touch me more."

A silence lengthened, the air thick with it.

Jude swallowed loud in Levi's ear. His hand gliding toward his leg. He hesitated, hovering for a moment before landing lightly on the erection down Levi's pant leg.

Levi's cock burned under the heat of his brother's palm. His eyes drifted to his brother's neck, heart pounding, body trembling.

Their eyes met for a moment, both turned away.

Jude's voice hissed in his ear. "Help you undo your pants?"

Levi vibrated, nodded.

Jude walked around the chair and stepped in front of Levi, offering a hand to help his younger brother stand. Levi took it and rose to his feet, his cock tenting. Their eyes locked. Jude descended slowly to his knees. Levi's throat constricted, body trembling. He swallowed, mouth dry.

Fingers slipping under Levi's drawstring, he pulled down until the fabric released its grip on Levi's pike. It bounced in front of Jude's face. He oozed admiration, soaking in the view of his younger brother's meat. Eyes and mouth closed, Jude drew a long, deep breath. He glanced up at his brother, a question in his eyes.

Levi nodded, heart drumming loud between his ears.

Jude gripped his cock. His middle finger barely touching the knuckle of his thumb after a firm squeeze.

Levi gasped.

Jude's free hand joined above the other, the head of Levi's circumcised cock red, shiny, leaking. Jude pumped and a drop of pre-cum stretched to his hand, connecting his knuckles with a thin, clear thread.

Levi teetered, dizzy with stars streaming on the periphery of his vision.

Releasing him, Jude forced Levi's chair forward, nudging the back of his brother's knees. Levi buckled and landed, sitting back in the chair.

Jude's hands snaked back around Levi and stroked him.

Levi's breath wavered. He sucked air through his teeth.