Bar none, one of the best stories I've ever read on here! You need to follow it up with an outcome though. don't leave it at "Game Over" No Fair! Gonna have to read some of your other works now.
I love getting comments on my stories. I like honest CONSTRUCTIVE critiques: what SPECIFICALLY you liked and disliked. I'm seeking ways to improve because even I am not satisfied with my own work. Simply saying that you didn't like it is not helpful, at all. I have just su...