All Comments on 'Simone Revealed'

Did you mean to continue this in pt 2 or did some of this go missing? It's hot as all get out but ended very abruptly.

It was a great read with hot sex, however an abrupt ending. Please add more about Simone and Alex.

So good, the best I've read in a long time!

Please continue with this story!

L

Truthfully I didn't like it much. I'm a sucker for a good romance story but there was very little story line to go with all that sex. And the romance was missing. The sex scene was hot until she 'lost her sophistication.'

The story is beautifully written, and well paced.

I'm not an expert in f/f sex, so not sure if it's a genre thing, or you consciously constructed the story this way, but it struck me that the pleasure was very one sided throughout that despite how turned on Simone's experience made me, I did wonder when Alex was going to be the focus of all of that sexual pleasure.

I agree with some of the other comments that the story seems far from ended and the point at which you stopped it was too sudden for the build up you have given the story. Simone has posed a bunch of questions about Alex, that as the reader I am invested in the whole story, you have set the tone and reader expectation for several more pages, exploring the relationship between these women in and out of the bedroom (and in the bath! ).

This isn't a quick fuck story, so I hope you get a chance to finish it off.

I was really impressed until the MC slipped into street mode. Then the entire tone changed. Everything after that felt like PWP to me. I went bone dry when she started deep-throating the fake dong like some faux femme in a lesbian porn flick. Total turn-off, at least for me.

Also, the abrupt ending is another major down side. It feels as if there's another full page missing. Even if you intend to continue, you should end at a natural stopping point. This particular ending wasn't natural at all.

All this being said, you really do have a way with words, so 3/5 stars for (very) raw talent.

I've given you five stars for the quality of your writing. But having set up an intriguing set of questions about Alex in Simone's mind, you finished the story very abruptly without answering those questions. Unless this was a cliff-hanger for a second chapter, then it was a disappointing way to end the tale. Also, you haven't let the story tell the reader much about either Simone or Alex. You throw in the hint that Simone's original language was Portuguese but tell us nothing more (is she perhaps of Afro-Brazilian descent?). You write well but your work would be much improved if you fleshed out the back-story of your characters (and you don't have to do it bluntly---show, don't tell is often a good principle to follow).

"Am I mistaken in thinking there is an attraction between us?" I am always very cautious when relations with colleagues are at stake. Possibly, for that reason I never made a pass at any one. Also, as a woman having feelings for another woman, you have to be careful. The greater majority of the globe is straight, sadly. For those reasons, I find the quoted sentence one of simple brilliance.

Further, I like the analysing of feelings, the ditto of the sex but feel that romance could be elaborsated on.

Hope for you to continue.

I'm really not too sure what that's supposed to mean. Story started out nice, then turned ghetto, not sexy.

My only descending comment is that I thought there were to many metaphors about one's self feelings, especially in the beginning. I can understand it while making love, but feel it was a bit much when your only daydreaming.

The anticipation was more descriptive than the sex scenes. HOWEVER - the whole thing was great. 5 stars. Please keep writing!

Your first thought of something that you didn't understand was to call it "ghetto"? I wonder what you would have called it if someone's story reverted to Yiddish sayings/quotes. Would that be considered ghetto? Would you call someone from the South ghetto if their speech included the word y'all in every other sentence? You do know that everything is not written to be pleasing to and understood by the "White Gaze". If you didn't understand it (which happens) it's ok, just enjoy the story.

Wish I knew what happened after the weekend is over-- do they continue to hook up on weekends or does it develop into something deeper? How is their work relationship? I would like to see the story have closure.

The character build up of two accomplished women at work was good. The sexual tension especially with Simone was superb. And the sex between her and Alex was like fireworks. But (and yes there's a "but") it lacked, umm, continuity(?). It seemed like two separate but related stories. The dialogue, the feel I initially got in the beginning changed and rightfully so since they went from co-workers to lovers, but I felt a change in characterization. Thou it was subtle, it was nonetheless there (to me). Hell, I overlooked it while I was reading cause the sex was like whoa! It was only at the end, I could uncross my legs. This story had some of the hottest sex scenes I've read on the site.

Hello all (@germanchocolate4u, @FiveWolves, @soreirei, @runninggirl0707, @Lcmd, @Cindy1001, @NC22371 and all the anon commentors) and thank you for your comments. I appreciate the feedback. It's what made me aware the wrong version had been uploaded. I have submitted the correct version as an edit and hope it will be approved soon.

PLP

i have to agree with a few of you with the abrupt ending it felt unfinished.also like nc22 said the whole get grown thing sounded like an uneducated speaker.as for anon saying that that was not for the white gaze grow up,as most of us know we associate improper speech with the black community since that is who we usually hear talk that way.if you want to change the way people see the black community then get them to speak properly and not claim it is racist for someone to point it out when they dont. 2+2 does not =6 and it does not make me a racist to point that out so why should improper speech be labeled as racist?

While I appreciate well thought out and articulate feedback, if you are going to choose a line to utilize as an example of why the character came off as uneducated or ghetto, you should start by not coming off as uneducated yourself. The line is "I would like to BE grown with you tonight." not this ridiculous get grown bullshit you keep throwing around. Do you see how your opinion is invalidated with a correction to your own ignorance for there to nothing grammatically incorrect with the sentence as it is ACTUALLY written? Simply typing it into a word document will confirm for you that it's truth. Did you even read the story or merely skim it?

Secondly do not attempt to pretend as though black people are the only race that do not speak "proper" English. As a writer willing to place my work in an open forum and leave the commentary available to the public I am prepared to deal with any and all statements from readers about the work. But while I am mindful of the fact that everyone has and is entitled to their opinion, and my willingness to allow you to share said opinion with me and the world negates much of my ability to complain about negative commentary, I am a black lesbian woman surviving in an astonishingly racist America and that must come before everything else. So I will end this reply by saying if you only want to read stories that feature dialect you are used to hearing, then make it a point to only seek out the multitude of lily white tale tellers this site has to offer. If you are not black keep your commentary about what blacks do or don't do to your motherfucking self. Period.

PLP

I hope that you write another chapter. I'm wondering what happens after the weekend.

I learn something each time reading a new story from lit. Thanks for posting the right version of the story up. Look forward to it. Get glad!

That's what the ending felt like But damn the rest of that story was boiling hot

I was just telling myself how nice it is to read some black stories with our dialouge. I didnt see a problem with the way you spoke at all. I enjoyed myself until the end because i wish it could have been longer, but im not a picky reader.

Please contiue with this story and use of "venacular" lol. Idk, I enjoyed it immensely. Also know its a breath of fresh air reading things like this. I would say more but... Im not as good with words.

Black love to you.

Mmm that was delicious. But did Simone ever pleasure Alex? Did she eat her pussy or used the strap-on on her?

Hi there. Just wanted to say thanks for a great story and also to warn you that, unfortunately, another author here on Lit seems to have generously "borrowed" (not to say copy-pasted) pieces of Simone Revealed in a recently published story. Just sending this warning because I think we shouldn't steal each others' art. If you want to know more, you're welcome to contact me. If not, thanks again for a sizzling great story and keep hp the good work :-)

A bit more development of the characters but the story was nicely built upon. Great sex

Unexpected romance turns love and includes sex maniacs ..... Hopefully they made it for a long shot