Sinful Beauty Ch. 03

Once we rejoined the others in the living room I sat down next to Benson and took his hand. As I half listened to the conversation around me I wondered how my father and mother had felt hiding the fact of her pregnancy all these years. How had they become so strong in their faith? It didn't make sense to me now that I had this set of facts.

It came to me none of us really know our parents. They had a life before having children, some of it revealed, and perhaps most of it not. As children we received the sanitized version of their life as children and as a couple prior to marriage. We weren't privy to the juicy details of their courtship and introduction to sex. No more than our children would be to our own after Benson and I were married. The thought Benson and I would marry didn't seem so far-fetched to me now. Indeed, it seemed the logical destination of our journey together.

It was nearing five o'clock and my mother was looking around in the freezer section of the refrigerator. She closed the door and looked at me perplexed.

"What's the matter Mom?" I asked.

"I was sure there was a quart of French Vanilla ice cream in here. I thought we might have ice cream and pie in a while."

"Mrs. Thornton, I can run to the store and pick some up if it will help."

"Why thank you Benson. That would be nice. I'll get you some money."

"No, Mom. That won't be necessary as I think I'll go too. Benson and I will treat."

Benson and I arrived at the grocery store ten minutes later. As we pulled into the parking lot there were a few more cars than I expected. But then, it was the day before Thanksgiving—people would be doing their last minute shopping. Benson parked the car and we parted ways just after getting inside as Benson wanted to pick up some shaving supplies he had run out of.

I was looking over the ice cream selection when I heard a voice behind me. I knew who it was and steeled myself for her sharp, snarky, follow-up.

"Janet, how nice to see you. Home to see your folks without Benson in the way I suppose."

I turned with a practiced smile, "Yes. I'm just picking something up for my mother."

"How nice. I suppose it worked out pretty well for you. After all, with Benson out of the picture, I'm sure they're very relieved and happy to have you home. I always knew you would dump him when you got the chance to find a real man."

I felt my stomach churn. Of all the members of my father's congregation I would have to run into it had to be her. I had always played the obedient, Christian daughter of the Reverend, and not responded to her the way I really wanted to. I looked around and saw we were alone in the aisle.

"Mary, do you know Benson and I see one another every day? We're going to the same college. How is it you didn't know that? You mean an evil witch didn't tell you this time?"

I watched her face go sour. She wasn't expecting me to react so forcefully.

"I don't believe you. Your parents wouldn't allow it. I know how much they don't like him. They never have. I'm not buying your lies."

"I'm not only seeing him, I'm sleeping with him. Do you know how nice it feels to have a man keep you warm all night? How it feels to have him hold your breast in his hand as you fall asleep?"

I watched her face go pale—she just stood there. I enjoyed the blank expression on her face and the lack of a caustic comeback.

She slowly composed herself. "You...you're evil. You really want me to believe you're doing that with Benson? I know you're not, at least not with Benson. Now, you're simply a slut."

I smiled and took a step towards her, "Oh, it's more than just a little fondling. Do you have any idea how much pleasure a man gives you when he puts his penis into your vagina? It's the greatest pleasure you can imagine, and I get to enjoy it two or three times a week at least. I'll bet the only time you're made a man pant is as he's running away from you."

I saw her set her jaw, then her eyes narrowed, as she hissed, "You mean, fornicating, ungodly woman. You'll suffer in hell for your lies and sin."

"Janet, are you ready to go?" Benson called out as he walked up the aisle behind Mary.

She turned her head abruptly to see who it was. Then, she looked at me with a hard glare but said nothing.

"Yes," as I opened the freezer door and pulled out a half gallon container of French Vanilla. Then I turned to Mary with a smile, "See you in hell. We just won't be there for the same reasons."

Benson and I walked to the checkout counter and he looked at me as we stood waiting, "What was that all about?"

"Just a friend from church checking to see if I was enjoying college life. I told her I was."

He placed his hand on my shoulder and whispered, "What part of college?"

I pushed my butt gently against him, "The part that includes you."

We enjoyed apple pie and ice cream after we arrived back and were relaxing when mother looked at Tess and me.

"Girls, lets go into the other room and talk for a few minutes."

I glanced at Tess wondering what was going to happen now. I wondered if Mom was going to say she didn't like Tess and Alan staying in town together. She hadn't asked me about moving my things to my room for the night either. I felt myself tense a little in anticipation of a contentious conversation.

We sat down at the dining room table and mother looked at us with a smile. At least that offered a glimmer of hope she was simply going to be upset, not angry.

"Girls, your father, and I have been doing a lot of soul-searching since Janet left for college. I know you think we haven't been listening and there's some truth to that. What you don't know is we have been discussing your father's continuing as pastor at this church. In fact, as to whether he wants to remain in the ministry altogether."

Tess and I glanced at one another. I certainly didn't know any of this was going on and wondered how my leaving for college had triggered action on their part.

"Tess, we both feel we owe you an apology for what we made you do, rather than allowing you to make a decision for yourself. I'm afraid I overreacted, more so than your father, with your pregnancy. Both of us felt disgraced you had gotten pregnant by a member of the congregation. We took it as a personal rebuke of what we had taught you. We didn't want to face the fact you'd been caught up in a Moment of passion. Something both of us should have been able to appreciate for reasons you don't know anything about. In retrospect, that decision started us down a path of self-recrimination and guilt. It affected us in ways we hadn't expected and it spilled over onto Janet."

"Mom, you don't need to..."

"Yes, Tess I do. Believe me I do. I have lived a lie for far too long. It's the kind of thing you try to push away and find you can't. It gnaws at you, it makes you question your motivations, and why you made the decisions you've made. I didn't want you to have to suffer the same fate by marrying someone who you would question someday actually loved you. I know it doesn't make complete sense to you and hope it never does."

I glanced at Tess wondering if she had caught mother's Freudian slip. Her gaze told me she had. I guessed that was why she didn't want Tess to marry the father after she became pregnant. I felt sad for my mother realizing she had carried her burden all these years. That what we viewed as one thing, was actually something else entirely—she had been trying to protect us.

"Mom, you know Janet and I love you. We understand you wanted us to be good Christian women."

My mother reached over, placing her hand on Tess's hand. "I know honey. I know both of you do. But I was asking you to be something I myself hadn't been. I was using you to show others I was a good Christian woman—when it became evident you weren't, I panicked. In fact, both of us did—your father and myself. It was wrong and we've had to live with that reality ever since. We only made the situation worse afterward with other decisions we made."

Mother shifted her gaze to me. "Janet, we pushed even harder on you. As if we hadn't already been hard enough on you. It was easy for us to blame Benson for behaviors we thought reflected on us as Christians. He was an easy target and we used him in an attempt to convince you and ourselves we were right—that Benson represented what was wrong in the world--he and his family.

I watched as she wiped a tear away.

"But you kept finding ways to maintain your friendship with Benson despite our best efforts. I could see he made you happy and despite that I worked even harder to drive him away from you. Now, I'm glad you had the perseverance and fortitude to follow your instincts and keep him in your life. I see how both of you have grown since you have been beyond our control at college. We couldn't ignore the fact both of you conspired secretly to remain together. We had to acknowledge it meant something incredibly important to both of you."

My mother paused while looking at me. I felt my eyes start to water as I realized she was apologizing for all they had done to keep to keep us apart. I knew this couldn't be easy for her, in fact, for either one of them. I wondered again what the conversation had been between my father, Alan and Benson.

Then she continued. "Janet, your father and I knew after the incident with Jake and Tim we were trusting Christian men to do what Benson could do better. We began to understand Benson would never intentionally harm you in any way. After all of the time the two of you spent alone together we should have known better. We should have trusted you as much as you trusted Benson. We thought your beauty was something that made you vulnerable to sin. You and Tess are beautiful women, but we attached greater risk to you because of Benson."

"Mom, you know Benson and I never lied to you or Dad. We never wanted to betray you, but we couldn't remain apart from one another. We just couldn't."

Mother looked at me and laughed lightly. "Honey, you have proven that time and time again. It just took us a long time to realize the two you would never let us do that."

"Mom, you mean..."

"Honey. Benson, and you have worn us down. We accept it and will support you as best we can. But, we have also made a decision that affects you and your ability to attend school in the future. Your father is thinking about leaving the ministry and starting another career. That means money may be tight, and we may not be able to pay for your final year of college. I'm sorry that's the case. But we promise to do the best we can to help you."

"That's okay Mom. I don't think it will derail anything. I should have enough money saved to finish even if you can't pay for anything. I'll be tight, but Benson and I have reviewed our resources and think we have enough."

I saw the surprised expression on her face.

Then Tess spoke up. "Mom, you didn't really think Benson and Janet hadn't thought about the possibility the money wouldn't be there did you? They think of everything."

"What do you mean it may not make a difference? I don't understand. How could you possibly have enough to finish without our help?" Mother responded in disbelief.

"Promise you won't get mad."

"Janet, I'm past that."

"I've saved more money than you're aware of. When Benson and I reviewed our finances we found if I moved in with him it would be cheaper than my living and eating in the dorm. In fact, to save money we already eat together on weekends. That will give us more than enough money to pay for everything ourselves if we work over the summers as we have always done."

I watched as my mother grew an honest to goodness smile and reached over to cover my hand with her own. "I should have known. You and Benson. You take care of one another, you always have, and I suspect always will."

"So, you're alright with that?"

"Would it make a difference if I weren't?"

"No. I guess it wouldn't," I said quietly.

"Okay, so Tess and Alan are going into town for the night. What are you and Benson planning to do? We haven't talked about it, but I expect the two of you two have."

I could hardly believe what I was hearing. I glanced at Tess and she gave me a slight nod of her head.

-

"I was going to stay with Benson at his parents' house tonight."

"Okay, but I want you to know both of you are welcome to stay here tonight and have breakfast with us in the morning. Tess, that goes for you and Alan too. Both bedrooms are open and clean."

"Mom, if both bedrooms are available and Alan and Tess stay here it means Benson and I would be in the same room."

I didn't want to say the same bed. But, it was obvious that was what it meant.

"Is it different than if you were to stay at Benson's parents' house tonight?"

I swallowed hard before answering, "No."

"I thought not. Your Father and I have to accept both of you are adults who don't necessarily share the same beliefs we do. Tess has already said she and Alan are sleeping together. So, if you and Benson are doing the same I don't think we should treat you differently. The decision is yours. It would be easier to have you stay here to help me make breakfast in the morning. But you and Benson do what you are most comfortable with."

I looked at my mother wondering who swapped out my real parents for these impostors. I knew it was the wrong thing to think. Our parents had engaged in some very difficult discussions to get to this point. It was unfair not to appreciate the love for Tess and me it represented. There were real world ramifications for them if my father were to leave ministry. What would he do? What would they do? How would the community view them? This was no small change.

Tess and I took the hint as mother rose from the table. We walked back into the living room where the men were sitting watching a football game together. Sitting down next to Benson, I felt him take my hand in his. Feeling a sense of victory, I squeezed his hand gently, knowing that for the first time we were sharing affection openly in front of my parents. All of the mental anguish of the past erased in a matter of hours—replaced with hope of a future together. My parents had accepted Benson—it was as if they had performed a miracle on my behalf.

But, I also wondered what had transpired between Alan, Benson, and my father while in his den? I knew Benson wouldn't have taken my hand if he thought it would aggravate my father. I was dying to find out what had happened. I was surprised enough already with my conversations with my parents, what could my father have possibly told our boyfriends that would top this?

It was quarter of seven on the living room clock when Benson gave me a nudge, "We should get going soon if we're going to spend the night at my parents. Either that, or I call them and let them know our plans have changed."

I looked at my parents, "I think we should spend some time with Benson's family tonight. We already have our bags in the car so it's easier if we stay the night when we drive over. Mom, I'll come over to help with breakfast at whatever time you want me to. We'll have breakfast with Benson's parents day after tomorrow before we leave to go back to campus. That way, we spend about the same amount of time with all of you. Is that okay?"

I saw my father nod in the affirmative and my mother replied it sounded reasonable, adding, "Janet, we'll eat at about eight, so if you can you be here at say, seven thirty, that would be fine That should be enough time to get eggs, bacon, and toast ready with at least two of us cooking."

Tess spoke up with a laugh, "Mom, you're asking a college student to get up by at least seven o'clock! That's something I want to see. I'll be here ahead of time just to witness it."

I shot a glance at Tess. "Tess, do you want to go out to watch birds with Benson and me sometime? We get up earlier than that on a regular basis. Just goes to show what you know," I teased back.

"Yeah, so you say, but I've never seen it."

"Okay, girls. I guess we'll see what happens in the morning. Benson, will you come over with Janet?"

"I may as well or I won't hear the end of it. Then again, I want to see Tess that early in the morning. From what I've been told it's kind of like the pot calling the kettle black to see her up so early."

Tess made a face at him. I kidded her, "That was really mature."

"Okay, you two, enough. We'll see everyone in the morning, mother chided with a smile.

"Mrs. Hall, I want you to know that was the best tasting apple pie I've ever had. I enjoyed the meal. Thank you."

"Why thank you Benson, that's very kind of you to say."

My mother's face was beaming as we retrieved our coats from the closet and wished everyone a good night. Once we were outside I took Benson's arm, "That was a very nice compliment you gave my mother. Did you see her face?"

"It was good pie and I wanted her to know it."

Benson had never been one to give an empty compliment, even to me. I guess maybe it was why when you got one from him it made you feel so good. You knew it was genuine. We started towards his parents' house walking slowly.

"Benson, what did my father say to you and Alan while we started getting the food around?"

"He told Alan and me he approves of our dating Tess and you. Then he said he was thinking of leaving the ministry and finding a job where he could use his experience to help guide people who are having personal problems in dealing with their religious beliefs and other problems. It sounds as if he has been...well...I'm not sure troubled is the right word—perhaps reflective, after talking with us on campus. At least, that's the impression I got. I didn't want to get into much detail with Alan there, but he was looking at me when he said it."

We had arrived on the porch, knocked, and walked inside to find his parents sitting in the living room. We removed our coats and joined them. While engaged in conversation I couldn't help but feel elated after a while. As different as our families were growing up, I felt comfortable here remembering those few occasions when I had been inside to see Benson as we grew up. Of course, those visits were brief as my parents would not have been pleased with my behavior. It was almost eight-thirty when we elected to retreat upstairs to get our things around and prepare for bed.

As I walked up the stairs with Benson behind me I felt as if I were in a dream. Up until this morning I had never been upstairs in the Thornton residence. Now, I stood in the bathroom removing my makeup ready to take a shower. Benson was in the bedroom waiting for me as he had taken his shower earlier. He had walked back into the bedroom in only his briefs, his body on full display—I was in my bra and panties when he walked in, and it occurred to me how far we had come together.

From the first time I had stood this way in front of him at his apartment I felt somehow not as beautiful as I wanted to be for him. Benson had never fawned upon my physical beauty as other men had. Our relationship had always been more about what we shared together and how we felt. Now, it seemed as important to look good for him as our physical relationship seemed to enhance our attachment to each other. He had whispered to me the first time I stood naked in front of him how beautiful I looked and I had felt myself flush at his words.

I removed my shower cap, dried off, and donned the oversized tee-shirt Benson had given me as a gift and a pair of cotton panties. Benson was sitting up in bed reading a magazine when I crawled up onto the bed with him. I reached over, took the magazine from his hand, placed it on the nightstand as I straddled his legs, and settled onto his lap facing him.

"I think maybe I could use some of your attention," I said softly, looking into his eyes.