Sinful Faith

A woman dressed as a nun was looking at the stained-glass of the brightly lit chapel, kneeling and praying at the Lord. She was focused, silently singing hymns to her God. She didn't feel anything else than happiness and bliss, just like she usually does.

After spending the time that she judge necessary, she finally stood up, ready to leave. She noticed another nun waiting for her, which wasn't there when she started praying. It was her friend, Maria. They knew each other since childhood, and even if time didn't keep them close, they still considered the other like an important friend. Her friend looked worried, and before she could ask anything, her friend answered her question.

"I'm sorry Elizabeth, but it's important. Father Benedictus is asking to see us as soon as possible."

Seeing the distress in her friend's voice, Elizabeth couldn't help but feel worried for her old companion.

"It's alright, did something happen?"

"I don't know." Answered Maria, still with worry in her voice "We should go, we wouldn't want to make the others wait."

"You're right, I'll follow your lead."

The two women returned to the monastery as soon as possible. The bishop, father Benedictus, was waiting, with monks and nuns waiting around him. When he noticed the two of them arriving, started talking, in an annoyed tone.

"Finally, what took you so look?"

"I'm sorry father." Answered Maria "I went to get Elizabeth, at the chapel."

"I see." Answered father Benedictus. It was hard to tell his feelings with the tone of his voice, as he made sure to stay as neutral as possible "If I asked you all here so suddenly, it is because someone has been stealing our wares. And I suspect one of you to be the culprit."

The nuns and monk seemed shocked, but Elizabeth herself was the one that was the most. The monastery made most of their earning from selling wine, and she was the one that was taking care of the stock. Surely she would have noticed if the bottles were stolen. She politely raised her hand, trying to get the man's attention.

"I'm sorry father, but I checked yesterday, and I didn't see any signs of anything being stolen."

"You should probably check again, I'll send someone with you." The man points to another nun, understanding that he chose her to go with Elizabeth.

Even if he didn't say so, Elizabeth knew that father Benedictus was wary of her. If something was indeed stolen, she would be the biggest suspect since she's the one that was supposed to make sure that nothing happened. She accepted humbly, and with the other nun, she went to the cellar.

She counted meticulously the bottles, one by one, making sure that everything was correct. The numbers that she noted, and the number of actual bottles were off, by one. She turned toward the nun that accompanied her, and shared her discovery with her.

"Well we lost a bottle. But it was just one, so I think I must have noted the wrong number somehow. But how did he know? Is he coming here regularly? I'll just tell father Benedictus it's my fault, and apologize for the mistake. I'm really sorry to have caused problems to you."

"Oh, it's no problem." The other nun looked away, like she was dodging Elizabeth eyes. "Are you going to say it's your fault? Won't you end up in troubles?"

"Maybe, but it is my responsibility. And I probably won't be kicked out of the monastery for such a small mistake."

"You don't know that, he can be pretty strict sometimes." The woman seemed uncomfortable for some reason. She still dodged the gaze of the person she was talking to, and instead, seemed to be lost in her thoughts.

"Are you perhaps worried for me? It is my mistake, it's normal that I face the consequences." Elizabeth gently caressed her long black hair that got outside her wimple, in an attempt to calm her.

"Sister, you're too kind for this world. I can't bring myself to hide it from you." The nun a deep breath, and finally found the courage to look into Elizabeth eyes "I was the one that stole the bottle, I am very sorry, I thought no one would notice."

"Really? But why?" Asked Elizabeth, curious.

"I just wanted some alcohol last night, but I promise it won't happen again. I'm Sukebe, you can say to father Benedictus it was my fault." The nun named Sukebe bowed, and hurried outside the room, leaving Elizabeth alone and perplexed. She thought about how strange the situation was, she never heard of another person in the monastery drinking alcohol before. But for now, all she could think about was to give her report to the bishop.

After searching for a while, she finally found the father Benedictus, walking in the grassy path near the chapel.

"Father."

"Ah, you're here. But where is the other one?" He asked, after noticing that the other nun is sent was absent.

"She had urgent matters to take care of. But you were right, there is a bottle missing."

"I knew it, I saw someone stealing, I knew it wasn't a dream!" Father Benedictus seemed a bit too happy to be right, but quickly regain his composure "Do you have any who it might be?"

"No, father." Elizabeth answered, clearly and with confidence "But it is only one bottle, surely it's not important."

The man looked at her surprised, and put his hand firmly on her shoulder.

"It's not about wine, it's about justice. Whoever stole this, should be punished for its crimes."

"But isn't it God's role? I don't think that it is our duty to judge, and that it is instead, to forgive."

"Elizabeth, you fulfilled your role, you can go now."

"Yes, father."

The man left, visibly annoyed. But for Elizabeth, she could only think about that woman, Sukebe. A nun that sinned, it was pretty unusual, and yet she still looked like a nice person. She wished to talk to her once more.

Elizabeth joined her friend, Maria. They walked around the green field, silently. Elizabeth couldn't help but remember this nun, Sukebe. She was afraid to tell her friend, but muttered all the courage she could and finally said what was on her mind.

"Maria, I know who stole the wine. But... I didn't tell to father Benedictus."

"Really?" Her friend looked at her with confusion, trying to understand "But why not tell him? Lying is against the principles of God, you know it."

"I know, but she seemed so innocent. And it was only one bottle, I'm sure the Lord will forgive her."

"It isn't for you to say. And 'she'? Is it a nun of the monastery? Is it the one that accompanied you? I knew that she was the devil, the way she let her hair visible, and all those sinful things she's done."

"Please, don't tell anyone Maria!" Elizabeth grabbed her friend's hand, trying to convince her the best she could. Seeing her innocent eyes, Maria nodded her head, but clearly showed her difference of opinion "Thank you. But I am curious, what sinful things were you talking about?"

"Who knows? She stole alcohol, probably to drink it. I'm sure she did other things too, I wonder if she even believes in the Lord."

"Maria, watch your tongue. This isn't our duty to judge, as the Lord is the only one that is able to."

"Yes, well don't get too close to her. She's the devil, and like you know, the devil likes to take pretty shapes. She'll corrupt you."

Elizabeth thought for a moment. It was true that she seemed like the devil in a way. This Sukebe not only stole and drank alcohol, but she also was very nice about it. Maybe she was the devil that her friend is talking about, and it meant she had to make sure of it. It was like a force was bringing her toward this woman, something that she couldn't explain.

"Maria, do you know where she is?"

"Didn't you listen to me?" The woman let out a sigh, but after seeing the innocence on her friend's face, decided to tell her anyway "She's the one that takes care of the cooking, so probably in the kitchen."

"Thank you, my friend. Now can you excuse me? I need to go for totally unrelated reasons."

"You could at least not lie about it too..."

"But I'm not..." Said Elizabad while taking an annoyed face "I need to take are of my garden."

"Oh, is it already that late?" Maria looked at the sky, and saw the sun high in the sky, indicating noon "I'm sorry Elizabeth, you can go. Don't be late for lunch."

"I won't, sister Maria. It will only take a minute." Elizabeth bowed, and swiftly left. She still couldn't stop thinking about this other nun. Once she did everything she was thinking that she should go see her. She still didn't know why she was thinking that way, but she was, and didn't want to repress her wish to see her.

Inside of her lush garden, Elizabeth looked at the eglantine's flowers in her garden, and caressed the light pink petals of the flowers. Lost in her thoughts, she stared at the flower for hours, captivated by its beauty.

"This year too, you grew into magnificent flowers."

She continued to stare at them for a moment. If she could, she would have done it all day, but she realized how much time she spent here. She needed to eat lunch, but it was already so late, she would need to hurry if she wanted to see if anything was left. And so, she left as soon as she could.

The dining room was empty, and she thought, no food was left. Maybe in the kitchen there was still something left, she thought. She decided to head there, hoping the cook would have some leftovers for her.

There she saw the woman she met earlier. She remembered her name, Sukebe, and recognized her from the strand of hair that was visible. Usually, most nun hides them. So it was easy to recognize her, since she was the only one to do so.

The other nun noticed Elizabeth. She held her breath after seeing her, and looked very embarrassed for some reason.

"Have you told father Benedictus? Are you here to announce my punishment?"

Seeing the sadness and fear in the woman's voice, Elizabeth smiled softy, and tried to appear as comforting as possible.

"Do not worry, I haven't told him."

Sukebe seemed really surprised, but before she could share her confusion, Elizabeth continued.

"I know he wouldn't give you a fair punishment, I believe that God will. But as you know, he is just. I'm sure nothing bad will happen to you."

"Maybe for that, but I've sinned enough to end in hell more than once."

"Why are you saying this, sister Sukebe?"

The nun thought for a moment. She opened her lips, like to say something, but quickly changed her mind. She shook her head, and took a less serious expression on her face.

"So what were you doing here, sister..."

"Elizabeth, My name is Elizabeth. And as for the reason of my visit, I missed lunch, and was wondering if there is anything left I could eat."

"I'm afraid not." Sukebe looked around the kitchen, feeling bad that Elizabeth missed lunch "I could make you something, we have some bread and meat left."

"Oh, don't worry about it. I'm not that hungry."

"Don't be like that, you didn't eat. Consider it my way to thank you for not telling I was the one that stole the bottle."

Elizabeth wanted to refuse, but her hunger forced her to put her pride on the side. She watched Sukebe prepare everything with attention and focus. It seemed like she was used to it, her movements were as precise as an expert cook.

"Have you been the one to cook for all this time?" Elizabeth asked curious. She was here ever since she was a child, but she didn't remember seeing Sukebe a lot before. New members weren't really her priority, most of her time was spent alone usually, so she wasn't surprised to not remember her.

"Not really, I just have been for a few months. I'm still new here I guess, but I cooked almost all my life."

"Oh, I understand. And what brought you to this monastery?"

Sukebe stayed silent for a moment after hearing the question. She seemed lost in thought, only looking at Elizabeth a few times in hesitation.

"I'm trying to find an answer to a question... Do you think that God exists?"

"Of course." Answered Elizabeth "With all my heart."

"And do you think he's just?"

Elizabeth wasn't sure what she was trying to say. Wasn't she a nun too, surely she would know the answer to these questions? Maybe was she trying to test her faith.

"Yes, I think that God loves us all and act for our own good."

"Is that so..." Sukebe handed her the sandwich she made, she seemed to be a bit saddened for some reason "It's pork meat. It was a live pig before, do you think God loved him too?"

"Of course. But it's not because he loves us that he makes our lives perfect. All we can do is have faith it Him, and pray for the goodness of everyone."

"I'm not sure praying is enough."

The two of them stayed silent. Unsure about what to say, Elizabeth still tried to alleviate the weird atmosphere.

"Have you found the answer to your question?"

Sukebe shook her head, showing that she didn't yet.

"You seem to really trust the Lord. Can I ask you something, sister?"

"Of course, what is it?"

Sukebe hesitated for a moment, she was about to change her mind, but took all the courage she could and finally said it.

"I want to show you something, can you come to my room tonight?"

"I don't mind, but what is it?"

"It's... I'll tell you when we get there. But for now I have to go." Sukebe bowed and apologized before leaving in a hurry.

Elizabeth looked at her sandwich for a moment, thinking about the words of Sukebe. She lived most of her life in the monastery, but she never had anyone question God before. She couldn't find any reason behind the Lord's actions. Was he letting them live their lives? But then, why so many rules that they have to follow?

The night quickly came, the curfew was almost there, but Elizabeth didn't want to go back on her promise to come see Sukebe. She was a bit scared about the reason of the demand, they seemed to disagree after all. Even if nothing would probably happen, she couldn't help but worry about it. She was so worried that she stood in front of the door, dreading knocking on it.

After staring for a few more minutes, she finally knocked on the door. In only an instant, the door was opened by Sukebe wearing a dressing gown, it was like she was waiting next to the door all this time.

Silently, she invited Elizabeth to enter in her room, and once she entered, closed the door immediately.

"I'm sorry for making you come so late..." Apologized Sukebe.

"Don't excuse yourself, it's alright. I'm just confused about the reason, does it have anything to do with God?"

Sukebe nodded her head slightly, and took a deep breath before answering "I feel like you're putting your life in God's hand, and yet, you also seem very innocent. I can't tell if you really believe in Him, or if you're just pretending."

"I believe in the Lord with all of my heart."

Sukebe smiled softly at Elizabeth words "It's cute. I was raised with the belief of God, but for me, it meant something different. I don't believe in Him by faith, but by fear. But it's different for you, right?"

"Yes," Elizabeth said in a soft voice "I believe that He is good by heart, and that if we follow him, salvation will come. Leading us to eternal peace."

Sukebe stayed silent, and turned her back to her. Elizabeth was confused for a moment, but Sukebe removed her clothes just enough to reveal the scars on her body. It looked like it was caused by something like a whip, most of them seemed old, but some seemed more recent.

"They said that I should obey as a slave, that God gave them the right to own me... Is it the same one that you worship? Have I... Done anything to deserve God's wrath?"

Elizabeth slowly approached her, in shock about all the horrible things that could have happened to her. Without thinking, she gently touched Sukebe's back. The woman flinched when she felt a hand on her back, but let Elizabeth's soft hand touch her skin.

"The Lord shall bring you bliss for the suffering you endured, I am sure of it."

"Even despite that, you still believe in Him. You're really naive..."

"I suppose so, it's just who I am."

"It's not a bad thing... I just hope that-"

The door knocked suddenly, Elizabeth felt very embarrassed after realizing what she was doing.

Sukebe put her clothes back on, and headed toward the door. Elizabeth made sure that she couldn't be seen from the entrance, as she wanted to make sure to not cause any problems. It wasn't forbidden for nuns and monks to visit each other at night, but father Benedictus would surely not appreciate knowing that it happened.

Sukebe came back to her after answering the door. She looked saddened, almost guilty when she started talking to Elizabeth.

"I'm really sorry, sister. It's time for the curfew, I didn't realize it was so late already. You're going to have troubles to get back to your room without the candles' light."

"Do not worry, it's alright." Elizabeth answered with a smile, in an attempt to make her feel better "Leaving now would be suspicious. It's probably better that I stay here a bit longer, and I'll leave when the hallways are empty. If you don't mind it of course."

Sukebe looked away in shame, and made sure that Elizabeth couldn't see her face.

"You're really a saint, sister Elizabeth. I wish everyone was like you here."

Elizabeth was a bit confused. She never really paid attention to everyone, but she couldn't remember a time when someone was being mean to her. Seeing Sukebe's sadness, she decided to gently caress her long black hair that she could see in her entirety now.

"It's only natural, sister Sukebe."

Elizabeth carefully counted all the bottles of the cellar, just like every morning. But she had troubles focusing, and would regularly have to count again because her thoughts would make her forget which number she was at.

She couldn't forget what happened last night, about the horrible things that could have happened to Sukebe. She has no idea about the outside world. She realized that she was sheltered from the problems of the world for a while now, but she never knew how much she was.

"I lost count, I have to restart this row..."

Annoyed about the time she took to do such a simple task, Elizabeth tried to continue her task with more focus. As she was counting again, she couldn't help but wonder why she couldn't stop about yesterday. Was it because she started to wonder about God's goal? Or was it because of the woman herself? It was hard for her to know, she could continue to live her life like before, and live a perfectly happy life that way. Or she could try to know more, try to understand where her feelings come from and what they were, even if father Benedictus would consider it sinning.

He always made sure that no one would question God, but visibly not enough.

"I lost count again."

Elizabeth forced herself to focus, and after what felt like hours, finally succeeded. The number was right, and none of the bottles were damaged.

While she was holding one of the bottles, she had a thought she never had before. What did it taste like? Sukebe stole one, probably to drink it, so it must mean they taste good. And most of the monastery's money comes from selling this wine, so a lot of peoples must like it. She quickly chased these thoughts off her mind, and put the bottle where it was. It was already time for lunch anyway, and she didn't intend to miss it today too.

Elizabeth managed to arrive in time. She took her meal and sat next to her friend Maria, which looked at her with a surprised expression on her face.

"Elizabeth? Where were you? I didn't see you once after you left yesterday, and I searched you all morning!"

"I'm really sorry." Answered Elizabeth "I had some complications, but it's all fixed now."

The two ate in silence, Maria seemed a bit worried for her friend, but decided not to say it. Elizabeth wasn't really focused on eating, and instead seemed lost in her thought. Her friend looked even more worried at her, but before she could say anything, Elizabeth broke the silence.