All Comments on 'Sinner's Run Ch. 13'

It was a good story.

I really enjoyed Sinner’s Run. It reminds me of Tron with a modern MOBA twist. The ending felt a little rushed and incomplete, it is almost as though by continuing the story past the last chapter you created more questions and left the story too open now. Exploring the challenges of integrating MOBA characters into our world would make an interesting follow up book though.

I was enraptured by the whole story. Congratulations for having an amazing imagination and making the characters feel real.

It really was a good story. But at the same time I feel sorry for Larka. But also why did Null need the body of a human? If they could already leave the game then why did Caroline go back? She could have easily have just stayed out in the real world.

How about having Noah explain to the women the risk of pregnancy from sexual intercourse? Below is my concise offering of how it might unfold:

"Um, listen to me, girls. You now have human bodies, with functional reproductive systems. At least you already know how sex works, but what you don't know is that every month, you release an egg inside your body. One of two things can happen: either you don't have unprotected sex and the egg goes to waste, followed two weeks later by tissue that had grown inside your uterus - this part here - which comes out as blood and which you'll have to absorb with... pads and tampons. Or, you have unprotected sex and the man's sperm - the white stuff I leave inside you when I come - fertilises the egg and you get pregnant."

"Pregnant?"

"You create a new life. It grows inside you for about nine months before you push it out."

Fidget looks extremely interested.

"Dah, um, Fidget, it's not that easy. It's a strain on your body during the pregnancy, giving birth, as it's called, is very painful and exhausting, and then you have to look after your child until they become self-sufficient in about eighteen years' time."

I enjoyed your story. I like the characters and I felt it had good pacing. I'm sad that it's over. Good job.

Met up with nala at the hotel room had a reunion a bash and it would end there. but liked this ending too. ;)

Very nice story. Well paced and interesting all the way to the end. Enjoyed reading it very much.

Now the kind of erotica one seeks out and/or writes is a matter of personal preference, so I don't mean this as a form of criticism, but merely as a potential inspiration and/or form of fanart:

I think it could be a much better match to have this be a lovestory between Noah and 32.

One could capitalize more on the drama of her coming to terms with her origins and Noah dealing with the new world he finds himself in.

That way, they both have a personal struggle they have to overcome, giving them a very unique shared experience and thus a great opportunity to forge a deep emotional bond.

There is also the fact, that given her origins and backstory, 32 is technically a kissless virgin, and in her current iteration certainly intelligent enough to realize this. Not only on a physical level but also on an emotional level is she a very inexperienced being.

That in combination with a greater focus on the whole philosophical and emotional aspects of Noah and 32s situations would lend themselves very well to get across some very powerful messages in a very approachable format.

Especially if you played more into the 'characters become progressively more self-aware the more they interact with Noah' angle.

You could have a story where both Noah and 32 comes to terms with their humanity from two very different directions, giving rise to the very neat conclusion that the boy who had a life but never looked for answers and the girl who never had a life and looked for answers end up together.

One could make Larka even more of a motherly figure and skip out on her sex-scenes, have Fidget be the bisexual techsavy goof who ends up with Vivienne as she learns how technology works in the real world, and make Garthex single. Swap the gender on Nala and have them get together after the escape from virtual space.

That way there's no need to scrap any of the existing story threads and the protagonist is surrounded by a motherly figure, a sisterly figure, a love interest and an unlikely friendship.

This would require a few additional chapters happening after the escape from virtuality to properly tie up all the plot threads, but would make for a really great opportunity to finish the story with presenting the different views on the nature of reality and the meaning of life/happiness itself held by different characters.

Great story except for the fact that Colleen left the digital world and came into the real world in order to have sex with Noah as a way to get him into the game. If she could already leave the game and appear in the real world then the entire story after that doesn't need to exist.