Sins of the Father

"What are you doing? You weren't together. She didn't cheat on you."

"Shut up, Adam. Don't be an idiot. You think I can be friends with someone who did something like this?"

"I... Thank you. I don't want you to have to choose between us. I don't expect that."

"Seriously, how did you get into college? No one's making me do anything. She's a skank and there's no way I'd have any sort of friendship with her."

The nightmares continued and I found myself crying at random moments. I had known Ara all my life and couldn't remember a time when I didn't feel some sort of love for her. My sisters could tell something was wrong and made an effort to spend time with me.

My father called the house a number of times and hung up if the girls or Mom answered. When I picked it up, he said he'd meet me with the check. We met at the Wendy's where I had gotten my meal from Mookie.

I watched him for a while. He got out of his Mercedes, looked around and walked into the building. A few minutes later he was back out and scanning the parking lot for me. I wasn't sure what I was looking for. I think it was something that linked us.

The lack of emotion was surprising. I wasn't angry, I wasn't sad, and I certainly wasn't happy to see him. Watching how he moved, I didn't see any similarities. His movements were all tight and boxed up. He needed to exercise more. We clearly looked alike. Anyone seeing us would know he was my father, but that was surface.

Where it mattered, we were nothing alike.

I called his phone. "To your left. Front of the building. Just passed the flagpole. Same truck from your driveway.

He looked tired and angry when he walked over to the pickup. "This is it, right? I'm not going to hear any more about this? You're not going to show up at my house again, you're not going to try to come after me with juvenile attempts to ruin my life?"

The thought of spitting on him crossed my mind. "I hope to never see you again. You do what's right by the girls and seeing me is the last thing you need to worry about."

He handed me an envelope, turned around and walked away. It was the second time in my life that my father walked out on me and it was much easier to deal with than when I was a kid.

The girls wanted to see some country band playing on the grass outside the Pueblo Library. I'd rather swallow a bullet than voluntarily listen to country music, but they really wanted to go, so Ilse and I took them. To be honest, they could have easily gone without me. They were old enough and Barbara was dating. I'm sure some boy would have been happy to go in my place. I was feeling a little, I don't know, clingy, and I wanted to spend time with them, so I went.

It was a father-daughter band and they played fiddles. My sisters kept talking about how hot the father was and all I could think about was a middle-aged guy and teenage girls. Visions of Ara and my father swam before my eyes and I barely made it to the bathroom before puking.

The pile of stuff I had taken from my father's house still sat in a corner of my room. I'd probably never pawn it. It was more of a 'fuck you' to my father than any real plan. I enjoyed seeing the frustration on his face. He couldn't stop me, and he couldn't call the cops. Now it felt tawdry and cheap and like I had stolen something from a brother who was only a concept at the time, not a living, breathing kid.

I didn't take Ara's phone call that Sunday, but I listened to the message. She was back. I threw the two boxes in the truck and headed over to her house. She came running out and as she tried to embrace me, I turned and grabbed the first box.

"I missed you so much, baby. Let's get out of here. Anyone home at your house? I want to show you exactly how much I missed you."

"That's a generous offer, Ara, but it's not going to happen. If he's been fucking you, he's likely fucking other people. I have no idea where my father's dick has been." I was proud of how even I was able to keep my voice.

I tossed the box towards the grass on the side of the driveway as she staggered back. She looked as if I had punched her. I grabbed the second box and tossed it after the first.

I checked the time on my phone. "You have two hours and 42 minutes to tell everyone. At 6:00 PM they get emails with details and photos. I'd say go fuck yourself, but that's clearly my father's job. Don't call, don't write, don't try to reach me in any way."

She fell on her ass and let out this weird keening sound that started and stayed low but then grew louder. It was weird and freaked me out. I got in the truck, put it in reverse and pulled out to the street. I could hear her yelling my name as I drove off. I made it to the end of the block before I felt the tears.

Sitting there with my Gmail account open, I stared at the screen trying to compose the email. I got three paragraphs in twice before deleting it and trying again. The third time was the charm.

You all know this, so bear with me. I was ten when my father walked out on us. It was the most difficult thing I've ever gone through. For years, literally years, I tried to figure out what I had done to make him leave. There were some anchors in my life that helped me get through the worst of it.

My sisters were eight and seven. Anytime I started feeling sorry for myself, I thought of them. It let me push some of the self-pity to the side and get on with things. They needed me. If there was an Olympics for mothering, my Mom would represent the US and take the gold. She's the best person I know. Until recently, I'd put someone else on the same pedestal, but as you'll see, things changed the last week.

Mr. Schmidt saw through my little act. I tried to put a brave face on things and pretend that I didn't care that my father left, and I was fine. Mr. Schmidt knew what I needed better than I did. He coached my little league team, took me fishing, talked to me about girls (even after it became girl, singular, and that girl was his daughter), and made sure that I always had money in my pocket.

And then there was my salvation. My two best friends, the girls I grew up with. Arabelle and Ilse did more than anyone else to save me. I know that sounds melodramatic. I wasn't starving on the streets or anything. I was just a kid that was convinced he had forced his father to leave his family. It was like they had some sort of ESP or something. If I was down, I'd find a cupcake in front of me in lunch or they'd convince their parents to take us all to the movies and wouldn't let me pay for anything.

As we grew older, things changed, especially between Ara and I. We became a couple and we've been together since we were 13. More than five years. Throughout all that time, Ilse was a rock. She was a best friend to both of us. One of the things that both Ilse and I loved the most about Ara was her ability to always see the best in people.

That included my father.

Oddly, that never bothered me. I just chalked it up to Ara being Ara. I was able to compartmentalize my feelings towards him and I didn't care what other people thought. I know that Gail still misses him and thinks we're going to have some sort of Disney family reunion one day. That's cool. People can think what they want.

For years I've been coaching at wrestling camps for kids. It defrayed the costs of going to the camps I attended and allowed me to make a few dollars. I spent money from what I earned there exactly once. When Barbara got her braces off, we went crazy. Carly's Candies on 5th got about $40 of my money on candied apples, cracker jacks, caramel, salt-water taffy and anything else we could find.

Money for my truck, clothes, books and other stuff came from working at Risaldi Brothers, hauling stuff at construction sites. All the wrestling camp money is sitting in a fund in a separate account at the bank. Why? I'll get back to that later.

I found out last week that things were a bit different than I had thought.

It turns out that Ara liked my father. Really, really liked my father. I was having lunch at a buffet in the restaurant in a Sheraton Suites outside Boulder when I saw some people I recognized. Ara and my father walked in. He had his hand glued to her ass. They enjoyed lunch, lots of touching and eating off each other's plates. I guess they had to work off all those calories, as they then went up to a room for a little under two hours.

When they came back down, he walked her to her car where they macked for about five minutes.

I know this is hard to believe and sounds crazy. He lives in Fort Collins with his new family. So does Ara's grandma. I guess they ran into each other there and things happened. I don't expect you to believe what I'm writing. I wouldn't if someone had said this to me.

That's why I'm including photos and a video.

The first picture is of the ring I was saving up for in my 'wrestling' account. On the day that she graduated, I was going to ask Ara to marry me. If she crosses her fingers real hard and gets a bit of good luck, maybe Dad will be divorced again by then. He's good at trading in used families. I wish them all the luck in the world. I'm sure it'd be easier for him to buy a nice ring than some idiot college kid who thought his girlfriend loved him.

I'm going to wrap this up by thanking Mr. and Mrs. Schmidt. You were always great to me and I don't know if I'm going to see either of you again. I would have loved having you as in-laws. You were like second parents to me. I love you guys. I'm sorry for whatever this brings into your lives. You certainly don't deserve it.

Leaving it there, I went on a run. 35 minutes and five miles later, I was back. Sitting in front of my laptop, I read it, read it again, slowly reached over and hit enter. There were 74 recipients.

I turned off my cell and lowered the volume on the house phones to zero. It was time to talk to the girls. There was no need to maintain the wrestling fund, so I bought two pizzas and a chicken parm hero. They were there when I pulled into the driveway with the food and Mom was almost right behind me, still in her nursing scrubs. She parked on the street and raised her eyebrows when she saw the food.

Mom walked past us as I put the food on the table. "I'm going to change. Don't dig in until I get back. What are we celebrating?"

"College."

"You get into some special course or something?"

"Not me. The girls."

Barbara and Gail migrated to the table when Mom came out and sat down. Everyone dug in. The girls split the hero and took a slice each. Mom had her own veggie pie and would take the leftovers to work for lunch. I had the meat lovers.

Mom wiped her mouth before speaking. "So, what's up with the girls and college?"

I paused for a minute. "Okay, this is... I know that you're all going to be pissed that I didn't talk to you about it in advance, but I saw Dad last week. I got $50,000 for the girls for college."

They were stunned and just sat there. Not the reaction I was expecting.

Barbara was the first to gain her voice. "What? Why the hell didn't you tell us about this? How did you find him? How'd you get him to give you money?"

"Actually, Ilse found him. I drove to his house and convinced him."

She threw the slice she was picking up back in the box. "Well, fuck him! I don't want his money. Did he pay for this?" Barbara waved her arm at the table indicating the food.

"No, I did. From my money from the camps."

Mom was quiet, Gail looked hopeful and Barbara seemed on the edge of tears. She took a drink of her water and spoke again. "Why do you do this stuff, Adam? You're not our dad. You've got two jobs, you're going to school, and... We're not... I don't know. We're not your responsibility and we're not kids. You don't have to keep doing this."

I didn't know how to answer her. "It's not an obligation or anything, but, you know, we're family. How can I be your brother and not want to do what I can? I love you guys and... I don't know, I guess that's it. I love you and if I can help, I'm going to."

In a whispering voice, Gail spoke up. "Did he... Did he ask about us?"

I knew this was coming and it tore at me. I couldn't lie but I didn't want to crush her. "He was sort of in shock, Gail. To be honest, we didn't talk too long. He was quick to agree to the money and even drove it out here. We met at Wendy's. I deposited it and the check cleared. I'm sure he wants what's best for you."

It wasn't much, but I was walking a fine line between truth and lie. I wished I could offer her more.

Mom grabbed another slice. "What aren't you telling us, Adam?"

I sighed. "Okay, two things. He has a son. 10 years old. His name is Alex. He's... I guess he's our half-brother."

"What else?"

My mother was like a psychic. It was annoying how easily she could read me. "I guess you're all going to hear about it soon. He's living in the same city as Ara's grandmother. They've been seeing each other. Ara and Dad, not her grandma and Dad."

Barbara's eyes narrowed and leaned forward. "What do you mean seeing each other?"

"Uhm, like, you know, romantically. Hooking up."

Mouth open, Barbara stared at me stupefied before speaking. "That fucking bitch! I'm going to kick her ass." She stood up and went for her phone.

Mom slowly shook her head. "He always was a charming prick. He could talk his way into Fort Knox. Honey, you're sure about this?"

"Yeah, Mom. I have pictures and everything."

"I'm so sorry, baby. So, so sorry."

Gail got up and went to her room and I heard Barbara talking to someone trying to get a ride. There was a knocking on the front door. Barbara hung up and let Ilse in.

My sister glared at her. "Did you know about this?"

"I... uh, what specifically are you asking me about?"

"Did you know that whore was sleeping with my father?"

"Not for long. Not until Adam told me and I saw the pictures."

"PICTURES?" She turned to me. "You have pictures?"

"Not of them, uh, in action, but yeah. It's pretty clear what's going on."

Mom took my hand. Barbara turned back to Ilse. "C'mon. I need you to take me over to the Schmidt's."

Ilse looked at me.

"Don't look at him, Ilse. I don't need his damned permission to beat some hoe's ass."

It wasn't her fault. She was being a protective sister, but I was getting pissed. "Barbara, calm down and shut up. She did this to me, not to you and I'll handle it. The last thing we need is Mom trying to come up with bail money for you."

She looked from me to Mom and stalked off. Barbara went to Gail's room, which was good. They needed each other. They were so different and balanced each other out. Gail would calm her down.

Ilse sat down and grabbed a slice. "Well, you created quite the shit storm. Your phone off?"

I smiled and waggled my eyebrows at her. I had known that things would explode.

She turned towards Mom. "Did he tell you what he did?"

"No, but I guess you're about to."

"He sent an email to pretty much everyone we know laying out what happened. All our friends, folks from Church, the Schmidt's, even Ara's grandparents. Her Facebook page is down, my phone hasn't stopped ringing and I'm getting non-stop texts. And it hasn't been more than two hours. Photos and video were included." She turned back to me. "That ring bit was a nice touch. That must have killed her."

It almost did. I found out over the next few days that Ara took a bunch of pills and had to have her stomach pumped. Ilse claims it was bullshit and she just wanted sympathy. She did it in her living room while everyone was home. I wasn't sure and the guilt was coming in hot and heavy.

Ilse was pissed at me for feeling guilty, but I had loved Ara since we were in pre-school. We were done, but some emotions reach deep.

Ara tried calling me relentlessly. It was non-stop. I blocked her number and that made things worse. It seems that she was sitting in our driveway waiting for me to get home from college. When I pulled up, Barbara was going to work on her car with one of my old baseball bats. If she could have gotten into the car, she probably would have brained Ara.

I got clipped in the shoulder when I grabbed my sister, picked her up and carried her in the house. Ara was desperate or stupid enough to try knocking on the door. I blocked Barbara, so she ran out the back door and raced around the house. By the time I figured out what was happening and opened the front door, Ara was rushing to her car, dove in and drove away. Barbara was standing at the end of the driveway yelling at the retreating car.

We weren't visited by the cops and I never heard from the Schmidt's, so I assumed that Barbara was in the clear.

I had to avoid Ara on campus. Friends would warn me if they saw her. She'd wait by my truck or outside of buildings or at the Quad. Slipping out a side door and getting rides home became common. I had no idea how she was spending so much time trying to hunt me down and was concerned that she had dropped out of school.

Through it all, Ilse was always there. She even had a confrontation with Ara on campus one day. They had both come to see me. From what I heard, it didn't go well, and Ara left in tears. The attempts to reach me slowed down. I eventually blocked her email. It was just too painful to read something from her every day. It was all apologies and pleas to meet and declarations of love. If I opened them at all, I'd read the first line and then delete it.

I'd like to claim that I was a tough guy who was made out of stone, but it would be a lie. I'd loved her for as long as I could remember. The nightmares continued, but the random crying jags stopped. Oddly, everything that was happening helped me on the mats. Whenever my emotions got the best of me, I'd run or hit the gym.

Ilse took to riding her bike with me when I went on my runs. She and Barbara seemed very protective, while Gail was sweet, but quiet. I'd come home to find that she'd ironed my clothes or baked me brownies with xylitol instead of normal sugar. They had a weird aftertaste, but I ate every one of them.

My mother got me an appointment through her hospital to speak with a counselor. I didn't think I needed it, but I went a few times. The counselor thought that my relationship with Mom needed some work and that I had perceived myself as a co-parent instead of a child who needed help. Mom and I started speaking more and about things deeper than how I was doing in class and what the weather was going to be like.

I needed her on my side if I was going to get Barbara to use the money from our father. Whatever Mom's issues were with Dad, her priorities were her children and we went to work on pressuring my sister. Strangely, the big breakthrough came from Ilse.

Ilse had become like a third sister and was around all the time. Mom made her famous vegetable stir fry over Asian noodles and we were all sitting around the table having dinner when I brought up the money again.

"So, with the money in the account, and maybe a grant or two, you guys should be good for a while anyway. As long as you go to a community college or state school, you should be covered for a few years."

Barbara didn't look up as she spoke. "I don't think I'm going to college. At least not right away. I was thinking I'd work for a while and save up some money and then go."

Ilse loudly placed her fork down on her plate. "You know, you're being an idiot. He's already missing the money. It's gone. He doesn't have it anymore. You're not hurting him by refusing to use it. The only people you're hurting are your mom, Adam and yourself. You're not a kid anymore. Grow up. Use the money and make a better life for yourself. Be happy, be successful and if you ever run into him down the line you can tell him to fuck off."