Sins of the Father

"What am I going to say? He never hit me or Gail or Barbara. I have no idea if he's done anything to Alex."

"We'll figure it out."

I didn't miss how she said, "we will" instead of "you will". That's the way she'd always been. If I had a problem, she had a problem.

We went back inside and watched some Netflix. I eventually grabbed my stuff and took a room on the second floor with a real bed instead of a couch. Ilse was wearing some boyshorts and a tight camisole as she came out of the bathroom. I had my toothbrush and was heading in.

She smiled and stretched out her arms. "Night."

I gave her a quick hug. "Night."

Ilse kissed me on the cheek and then again on the lips. It lasted a moment longer than what seemed normal and I noticed her minty breath.

"You'll figure it out. Alex will be fine. Sleep tight, Adam."

The last thing I remember thinking of before I fell asleep was how I hadn't had any nightmares about Ara in quite a while.

Stumbling out the sliding glass doors into the backyard, I used my hand to block the sun. Ilse was lying out in the skimpiest bikini I'd ever seen.

She lowered her sunglasses and looked up at me. "Morning. There's some rolls on the counter and there's eggs in the fridge."

It took me a minute to meet her eyes, and I noticed her smirk when I did. She was way hotter than any of her cousins. I went back in and started frying up some eggs.

"Hey, I'm making an omelet. You want one?"

"No, I'm good."

When I finished, I buttered up a roll, grabbed a water and ate at the table on the patio. With her sunglasses on, I couldn't tell if she was watching me and I tried not to stare.

Grabbing the plate when I was done, I made my way back to the kitchen. "I'm gonna grab my pole and head down to the river."

"You need a hand with that?"

"I... Uh, with the fishing?"

"Sure. Or anything else."

"Uhm, I'm good, but come down if you wanna hang out."

"If you're okay, then I'm going to stay here and work on my tan."

"Okay."

I eventually came back with three trout and cleaned them on the table where I had breakfast. After throwing away the newspapers I had laid down, I cleaned the table, bagged the fish and threw them in the fridge.

Ilse was curled up on the couch again. I felt all grimy and nasty.

She wrinkled her nose at me. "You smell like fish guts."

I laughed. "No, I don't. I'm gonna take a shower, though. You want to go into town for supper?"

"We've still got a ton of food from the Italian market. I guess we can take it back for your sisters and have the fish tomorrow. But you really do smell. Go take your shower."

I was lathering up when I thought I heard the door open. "Ilse?" There was no reply. I stuck my head under the showerhead and leaned against the wall while enjoying the hot water.

The shower door opened, and I must have jumped a foot in the air.

"I wanted to make sure you got rid of that smell before we went out."

Stepping into the shower, she was naked and heart-stopping. I couldn't speak and most of me couldn't move. I wasn't capable of thinking much past the intense gratitude I had towards her family for having large showers installed. Ilse stepped closer and grabbed the one body part that was capable of movement.

"I'm going to start with the washing here."

I didn't argue. As the water caressed her body, she looked like something from a classical painting. Ilse must have been satisfied with how clean she got me, as she sank to her knees and took me in her mouth. I had to stretch my hands to the walls to support myself as my knees weren't up for the job.

We moved from the bathroom to her bedroom and never made it to town for supper. We ate a bunch of cured meats and provolone at midnight and headed back to bed. I realized that I owed Barbara an apology.

Her butt was snug against my cock and my arm was draped over her side while my hand rested on her breast as I awakened. I slowly and gently disengaged and rolled onto my back. In less than a day, everything had changed but I was concerned that it had only changed for me. Was I insecure? Yeah, but I think it was warranted after what had happened.

I lay there wondering if this had been a mercy fuck and it scared the shit out of me. It was hard to understand, but I felt like I had spent my life living in a house that was comprised of feelings for Ara and Ilse. Everything was set and firm in my mind. Ara equaled romantic love and Ilse equaled friend. Now I had wandered into an Ilse room of the house and found a hidden door that opened into a whole new wing.

Everything about growing up with Ilse took on a new light. I didn't need to fall in love with her. I loved her already and I could feel that love slipping quickly from platonic to romantic. If she didn't feel the same and was just being kind, it was going to destroy me.

She rolled over and put her arm over my chest and kissed my shoulder. Ilse had that just-woke-up mumble thing happening. "Morning. Love you."

My heart started to slow as I stroked her long red hair. I hesitated, fearing to give voice to my emotions. I sacked up. "Morning. I love you, too."

Ilse lifted herself up, hands to either side of me. Her hair formed a titian curtain that obscured her face, but I could make out her almost feral smile. She slid down and took me in her mouth again. I was already hard, so she didn't have any work to do there. Quickly sliding her hips up, she lifted, pushed my dick down and into position and slowly descended.

I was caught in her silken vise and she slowly rode me, gathering speed as she went and moving her hips in a small circle, grinding her clit against me whenever she hit the base of that loop. She had to lean forward and that would let her long hair block my view again.

It was like getting sporadic glimpses of paradise. My hands found her tits and I eventually rolled her over. She locked her heels behind my back and seemed to almost pull me every time I thrust. After everything we had done last night, I was able to go long enough for her to get off twice.

We cuddled for a while afterwards and then lay on our backs staring at the ceiling. I was still afraid to question whatever this was and just rested quietly. She reached over and took my hand.

"I've wanted this forever, but I'd never step between you and Ara."

I gently squeezed her hand. "I never knew."

"I know. I didn't want you to."

"Did she know?"

"Maybe. She never said anything, but sometimes I thought she knew."

"Barbara knew."

Ilse smiled. "That girl is way too smart."

I paused and my voice sounded weaker than I would have liked. "Ilse, I feel like this is a mirage or an illusion and it's going to disappear when we get home."

She rolled over and kissed me. "It's no mirage. Now that I have you, I'm not letting go."

Emotionally, I felt like a muscle that had been clenched for so long that it was the new normal. With her words, I felt a relaxation, a loosening and a letting go. Most of my pain and some of my fear were fading away.

We had the fish for lunch, and we packed up all the leftovers to bring home.

Cooler in my hands, I lightly kicked the door to my house a few times. Barbara opened it and I went over to the fridge. Ilse followed me with my duffle. I started unloading the food and telling my sister what was available. When I finished, I turned around to see her staring at Ilse and me with a smirk on her face.

"I knew it."

Ilse blushed and I just turned back to the fridge and grabbed a Gatorade. I had no idea how Barbara was able to just look at us and tell. Some mysteries of women men would never understand.

I had never been more nervous in my life. Finally gathering my nerves, I stepped out of the pickup, walked up the pathway and knocked on the door. A beautiful woman I recognized from the website photos opened it and I saw the Irish Setter behind her.

"Uhm, hi. I, ah, my name is Adam and I'm..."

"I know who you are. I believe you have my Bose stereo."

"Uh, yeah. That wasn't the best thought-out plan ever. I'll, uhm, I'll get that stuff back to you by next week. Can I maybe talk to you for a minute? It's about Alex."

She stared at me oddly. "It's freaking incredible. His sons are like his clones or something. You look exactly like him. Come in. I'll give you five minutes."

Not comfortable with the comparison, I felt myself reaching towards my left ear before forcing my hand down. I wasn't him. I worked for what I had. I put in the hours, the training, the mat time and I had the skills, scars and ear to prove it.

It took me a while to get to the point. I was so nervous that I kept talking around the subject until she began to interrupt me and steer the conversation. I explained what happened with my father leaving us and our theory on why he did. My concern for her son seemed to scare her and I began to reassess who I thought she was.

I had assumed that she was a horrible mother who left her child alone often while she did whatever. Instead, she seemed involved and concerned. She claimed that she had paid a high school girl to be there with Alex the day I showed up, but she left with her boyfriend before I arrived.

When I was done speaking, she leaned back into her seat. "Okay. That... that was difficult to hear. I'm going to have to put some thought into what you've said. There's no danger for now. Once the reports came out, I filed for divorce and got a restraining order. If destroying him was your goal, congratulations. He's a wreck. I'm not complaining. Tear him down some more if you can. To do that to his own son... I just don't get it. He'd cheated on me in the past. It wasn't the biggest shock in the world that he'd do it again, but... I don't know. That was just perverse."

I pet the dog as I spoke. "Yeah. I don't get it either. I think he saw it as getting over on someone, even if it was me. He seems to, I don't know, thrive on getting what he shouldn't and that had to be his greatest accomplishment. There's something seriously wrong with him."

She looked down before glancing up at me again. "You know, Alex can't stop talking about you. You're his mythical big brother. He said you went swimming with him and you're some great wrestler. He keeps asking when he's going to see you again."

I got a little choked up. "I wrestle for my college team. I'm not that great. He can see me anytime he wants. If you'll let me, I'd love to spend time with him. Alex has two sisters that are dying to meet him as well."

She smiled. "Maybe we can arrange something here. Some BBQ in the backyard or something. Keep it brief the first time. Maybe a couple of hours. No offense, but I don't know you people and, well, Alex is all I have."

"I understand. We'll take it slow."

We talked until she had to leave to pick Alex up from school.

"Listen, before you go, do you know where I could find my father?"

"Try The Owl. It's a bar on Sycamore."

I looked dubious.

"Yeah, it's the middle of the day, but he lost his job, he lost his campaign, he lost all his friends and now he's losing his second family. Try the bar. Trust me."

She was right. I assumed that it was his Mercedes in the gravel parking lot. The Owl was underlit and smelled of stale beer and middle-aged desperation. There were unused pool tables, an old-time jukebox, and tables that looked a generation out of date. What I couldn't find evidence of was anyone with a shred of hope or happiness.

He was nursing a drink in a booth in the shit-hole of a bar. I slid in opposite him. He looked up, recognized me and looked back down at his drink. Eventually, he lifted it in my direction and tossed it back.

"I thought we had an agreement, Adam."

"You gonna call me out for not being a paragon of virtue? That takes some balls."

He gave a small smile and shrugged. "What are you drinking?"

"Nothing. I'm 18."

Dad raised his hand and got the bartenders eye. He held up a finger and then pointed to his empty glass.

"So, why are you here, son?"

"Just call me Adam, okay? That son shit stopped eight years ago. I'm here to tell you that it's time to move on."

He looked a bit confused. "What are you talking about?"

"Alex is the same age as I was when you left. You remember when we were at your house and I told you I was thinking about holding you underwater until the bubbles stopped? That was insane anger talking. I wouldn't have done it. I'll make you a promise though. If you hurt Alex in any way, I'll find you and kill you. I don't care how many scars you carry with you, if you leave even one on that little boy, I will end you. You ever hear of Gene LeBell? My favorite quote of his is you've got a nice neck for choking. It's got a nice ring, doesn't it?"

There was a sad smile on his face as he tilted his head to the side. "I wish I'd had a brother like you. Things could have... been different."

"It's over, Dad. Time to move on. I hear the east coast is nice."

Over the next few years, my sisters and I spent a lot of time with Alex. His mother eventually moved to Pueblo so we could see him more often. He came out of that shell he was in and began to socialize more with his peers.

Gail was a large part of his social growth. They shared a common quiet shyness and quickly formed a strong bond. I'd never seen my retiring, gentle sister as fierce as when defending Alex. She displayed the aggressive tendencies that Barbara and I shared when she thought someone was fucking with her little brother. She'd go from placid to death-on-wheels in a moment and Alex basked in her attention.

I believed that she saw in him a miniature version of our father who wouldn't abandon her and would love her without qualification.

I still helped teach at the wrestling camps. I'd bring him along and he'd invariably tell everyone that I was his brother. My checks from the camps were still pretty small, but I continued my practice of socking them away untouched.

He often rode his bike alongside me when I did my runs and lately, he's been doing a lot of pushups and sit-ups. He's not into wrestling and I was afraid that I'd cast too large of a shadow for him to find enjoyment and purpose in grappling. He has, however spent a lot time asking me about basic footwork and cutting off angles. We've watched every Vasyl Lomachenko fight on YouTube countless times and I've seen him practicing punching and shifting when he thinks no one is watching.

I prayed that he wouldn't take a perverse pleasure in his equivalent of a cauliflower ear as it helped differentiate himself from our father. I wanted him to see no one but himself in the mirror.

Ilse and I were inseparable. We both had an odd mix of feelings when we'd see Ara around town. She had been our friend for as long as we could remember, but I would be hard-pressed to think of a greater betrayal than what she had done to me. I never did sit down with her and let her try to explain. I'm sure it would have helped her, but it wouldn't have done shit for me.

After our third year of college, Ilse was thinking of transferring to Colorado State in Pueblo so we could move in together. I had originally wanted to wait until we both had our bachelors, but decided the time was right.

I pulled all my money and visited Carleo Creations on Main St.

Ilse's parents, the Schmidt's, Mom, Gail, Barbara and Alex were there at my meet. I sat with Mom and ate my sandwiches.

"Mom, I need you to make sure that everyone stays until after my final match, okay?" A meet usually lasted at least four hours, so friends and family would often drift in and out after showing their support.

"Sure. Everything okay?"

"Yup. Fine."

She had gone through Sonic and gotten me a milkshake. I sipped down the last bit, hugged her and went to stretch out.

After my final match, a large screen at the end of the gym lit up. I was insanely glad I won. The screens usually had the score for basketball games played there or some video highlights or encouragements for fans to cheer. Now it had Ilse's picture. Under it were the words "Say Yes".

I was desperately using a towel to wipe as much sweat off as possible when my coach handed me the box. The gym was silent as I jogged over to her. I got down on one knee and opened the box. I tilted my head to try to keep my bad ear out of sight.

It took me a minute to find the courage to say the words. After what seemed to be an eternity, I looked up to her green eyes. Where I had always seen trust and friendship, I now saw something deeper and more mature.

"I can't remember a time when I didn't love you. Let me love you for the rest of our lives."

She started crying and dove into my arms. I kissed her and then gently pushed her back.

"Is that a yes?"

"Of course, it's a yes!" She held out her hand and I slid the ring on her finger. Everyone started clapping and cheering and I had a hard time getting through the crowd to shower up and change.

I don't know where they came up with the money, but my sisters threw us a huge party with all of our friends and family. It was informal and in the backyard of Ilse's parents, but they did an amazing job. They even managed to get that fiddle jug band they liked to play. Uncle Bubba's BBQ catered, and Mom and girls got us custom glass wedding cake toppers from Matteo's Glassworks. If you squinted right, the figures looked just like us.

Alex was happy to be getting another sister. Gail and Barbara were bridesmaids and Mr. Schmidt was my best man. I had thought about asking one of my teammates or a coach, but he was the man who had stepped up and acted as a father to someone else's kid. I loved him and owed him a lot.

We stopped at home when we got back from our honeymoon. We spent time with the girls and showed them all of our photos. When there was a lull, Mom pulled me into the kitchen.

She pulled my head down a bit and kissed my forehead. "You got every possible good thing you could from him and none of the bad. You'll never know how proud of you I am."

Mom hugged me, pushed herself back, wiped away a few tears and held something out to me.

"This came for you while you were gone."

It was an envelope addressed to Adam Westbrook and had Gerard Westbrook and a return address in Boston. I stared at it for a minute or two wondering what it held. A plea for absolution? Some key to understanding what he had done and why? An attempt at reconciliation? A request for the return of his $50,000?

He had been a man who thrived on manipulating people. I believed that in some small fashion, it had been a way for him to get back at his father and not let him win. A mentality of do your worst, I'll find a way to survive. He lied and conned and cheated. It seemed to be a game for him, and I was no longer interested in playing.

Mom had her tea kettle on the stove. I turned on the burner, lit the edge of the envelope, dropped it into the sink and watched it burn. My father was the past and I was letting it go. Everything he had done to me was being released, like the tendrils of smoke from the envelope.

He carried what his father had done to the next generation. I refused to do the same. It was time to step forward and live my life without any anchors holding me back.

Smiling, I walked over to the couch, took my wife's hand and sat down to spend time with my family.

I'd like to take a moment to thank blackrandi1958 for making this readable. Beta-readers, such as Stev2244 and A_Bierce, greatly improve everything I write. I'd also like to extend my gratitude to the good people of the Left Foot, Right Foot Society for their support.

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