All Comments on 'Sister Steals Brother's Virginity'

Very good subject and writing to a point.

First the starts is very confusing. No names on who is Jack's sister and who is her friend? This sorts its way out later but then why have the start the way you have it.

There are times when Jack said or you had Jack:.... need to be more consistent. Hard to keep going with the writing like a stage script or as a story.

Story line is great but the writing needs editing.

Well she didn't get his virginity after all! Nice story anyways!,

For one, you are writing a story, NOT a script. Do NOT use the <name>:dialogue structure in a story!

<P>

Do NOT write

<P>

Natalia: "I love you."

<P>

Sydney: "I love you too baby."

<P>

Write it as something like this.

<P>

Natalia said, "I love you."

<P>

Sydney replied, "I love you too, baby."

Fantastic! Had me hard the whole time!

Should be "Sister Steals Brothers Crush". The whole premise seemed odd for this story. Brother has huge crush on sisters BFF, sister and BFF have an epiphany and find they love each other in a soulmate/forever kind of way, brother who sees this gets upset and then professes his love for the BFF, sister and BFF feel bad and BFF breaks it to the brother that she was moved by it but she still loves his sister and they should just stay friends, now he is all of the sudden okay with it, then the sister and BFF decide to include him in the "fun" knowing how he feels about the BFF, then the BFF has some alone time with the brother without sister, and then finally they all get together and the have a 3 way where the BFF gets the brother first and the sister then gets her turn.

The story seemed to focus more on the sister and BFF than the brother despite the title and the section it's in.

How is there no jealousy anymore despite all that's happened, especially with the BFF and brothers alone time by the pool when the sister goes shopping and comes back. How is the brother all of the sudden okay with his crush not caring for him the way he does her and then still be okay being a part of it all. Wouldn't that make the feelings worse and the jealousy boiling over? You never alluded to a 3 way relationship for them, only talked about the BFF and sister being soulmates.

And unless I missed it, where was the mention of anyone losing their virginity?

So many questions and issues.

Really hope you write more! I love the way you write. Very rarely to I finish a store on here. Usually I read til I have satisfied my need. But I read this one all the way thru! Please keep writing!

Throughout the entire story Jack was treated by the author like he was a 14/15 year old. The telling line was Sydney’s comment he was going thru puberty, for god’s sakes he is 19!!!

He came across throughout the story as juvenile to the extreme, the girls as every kids dream fantasy.

For teenage fantasy stuff the story was okay, but a tad overdone.

Reality, someone is going to be awfully hurt when things calm dow and reality sets in.

Poor Jack!

3/5

Treat your expected readers with some respect.

I didn't care for the lesbian part. What did ruin the story was the ending. I expected Sydney to ask Jack to marry her so all three could be together forever. Both would have his babies. BUT NO Syd was now a committed lesbian. TOTALLY ruined it for me.

that you have still NOT grown up. You think virtually every paragraph must include profanity. Sonny, mature people do not find it essential to utilize profanity, and definitely not as often as you do.

The story should be titled "Lesbians Forever" 1*

stupid story, so messed up, wrong title obviously, this should have been in the lesbian section, again so messed up.......... So weirded out.........

Complete shit.

I see that this is the only story you've submitted.

Do us all a favor and keep it that way.

Awful.

Too much telling, not enough showing. This story would be improved if the writer had taken the "show, don't tell" writing rule into consideration.

Clunky prose. The repeating of words in the same sentences or paragraphs makes this even more of an awkward read.

The dialogue being in a play script's format doesn't help the awkwardness. Seriously, why is the dialogue formatted that way? I've seen stories outside of Literotica with dialogue formatted that way too, and I don't understand why those authors made that decision. It's odd. Odd in a bad way.

And that title. Does anyone even lose their virginity in this?

The focus is less on Jack and more on the girls. Which is weird, and makes the title of this story misleading.

I don't want to hate on the story out of petty spite. But I can't like this thing. It reads like a bad script for a bad movie. Nothing great about it.

Poorly developed story.

The brother was unrealistic. He was 'fine' with his sister taking his love interest (Sydney), without any confusion or unhappiness. The character was two dimensional with the emotional depth of a teaspoon.

The sister and Sydney expressed total narcissism and did not show any true concern for Jack. Only their 'true love' aka 'soulmate love' .....<bull poop>... was important. Are these adults or Middle School students inhaling stupid weed vapors? No realism.

As others indicated, wrong category ..... belongs under Lesbian area, as Jack was really just a sideline of filler material.

Utter tripe.