Six Months in a Leaky Boat

Six months in a leaky boat.

I walked out of Stefanie's apartment, closing the door behind me. I had just broken up with her after six months of seeing each other. My excuse for the break-up? Well, that I still loved my wife.

My name is Jonas Albertsen, or Jon to my friends. I'm a thirty-year-old financial broker living in New York City. My wife of five years is Jennifer, a twenty-nine-year-old tax attorney. We met when we both began working for our current employers, her firm being the contracted tax attorneys for the financial services company I work for. It took us six months after meeting to become a couple, and another eighteen months before we were happily married.

My wife Jennifer is an attractive woman standing 5'7 to my 6'1, she has shoulder length auburn hair with lovely blue eyes. She remains in as great shape today as she was when we first met. Even with our busy work schedules, we both manage to use our work gym's every day religiously. Jenn has a great sense of humor, cheekily sarcastic to a fault, very playfully sexy when the mood strikes, and a very loving and trusting person all round

Not to say she like myself, do not have faults. Jennifer's is that she rarely accepts losing an argument and will sometimes go to extreme measures to not be seen at fault. I could say this was a fault of mine as well, although I like to believe slightly less than her. This means that communication between us can be strained for periods of time if we do argue, as neither of us wants to back down or take blame. Usually, it will be Jennifer that finds a way to soothe the waters, then myself in accepting that I was wrong, and we move forward.

The first three years of our marriage were good, we were both very ambitious in our careers, but still managed to find the time for ourselves. Whether it was going out drinking and dancing with friends, to dinner or movies, or weekends away to enjoy together. Our busy work schedules meant that maintaining all that required burning the candle at both ends. But being in our mid-twenties, that never seemed a problem.

The last two years however have been a different story. The increasingly long and stressful work hours have meant that many of our nights out during the week went by the wayside. Then the weekends became the time for taking a deep breath for the both of us, before starting all over again on Monday. So even our weekends became routine, with neither of us wanting to do much, maybe the occasional dinner or movie on a Saturday night.

Our love life also suffered, we went from having sex every day, to only once or maybe twice a week. And even then it felt like we were just going through the motions. It's not that we didn't still love each other, more that for both of us our careers had come first and our relationship slowly became a casualty of those extra demands our jobs placed on us.

The money we both earned was okay for living in NYC, we had no complaints about being able to afford the occasional luxury in our life. We had bought a two-bedroom apartment near our jobs and it consumed a large part of our salaries paying off the mortgage.

As our relationship started to go stale due to our career workloads, neither of us were willing to admit that something was wrong. To admit that we had any sort of problem went against our determined and stubborn personalities to be successful in everything we did.

So, what did I do to try to fix my slowly dying marriage? I had a six-month affair with Stefanie Jones, a financial consultant for one of my clients. I'm not sure why it was so difficult for myself or Jennifer to talk about what was wrong, we always tried our best to put a happy face on everything and pretend we were exactly where we were meant to be. I did say we're both stubborn.

Don't get me wrong, I still love Jennifer and very much want my marriage to work, it just took me six months of seeing Stefanie for me to realize that. And that's what led me to end our affair, I was determined to make my marriage with Jenn work. It may sound kind of hypocritical of me to say as I am stepping out of the apartment of the woman I have been cheating on my wife with, but life is not always a hallmark movie.

So, I got home at 8pm with a renewed sense of purpose for my marriage, I was determined to find a way to get us to be happy again.

"I've got some pasta ready, you want to go get showered first?"

"Yeah, sure." I responded.

I like the weeks where it's Jennifer's turn to cook, apart from being better at it than me, it was more relaxing to come home and not have to worry about it. I finished my shower, threw on some couch clothes and headed out to the dining table.

"How was your day? Get up to anything interesting?"

"No, not really. Nothing I haven't done before."

That included having sex with Stefanie, I can't believe how guilty I am feeling just being asked such a routine question. I guess the interesting bit would be that I broke up with her, but that's not something I could share with Jenn.

"How about you, anything different happen in your day?"

"No, except for one thing. But I might discuss that with you later." Jennifer responded.

'What, can I guess?"

"No, there are other things for us to discuss first."

"Well, go ahead." I replied as I ate a mouthful of my pasta.

Jennifer raised her fork to her mouth, taking a bite while looking at me. She was thinking about something, not sure what. She then took a sip of her wine then closed her eyes for a few seconds before looking back at me.

"We haven't been doing too well, have we?"

"What do you mean?"

"Us, our marriage."

"What makes you think that?"

I'm not sure if it was my guilty conscious but I went straight on the defensive even though I had promised myself on the way home that we needed to discuss our marriage issues.

"Jon, we barely talk to each other, we almost never have sex. We're thirty and it feels like we're sixty."

"It's not that bad, but yes, I agree we need some work."

"Do you still love me Jon?"

Okay, where did that come from? God I hope she doesn't know about Stefanie.

"Of course I still love you. What would make you think otherwise?"

"Just that there seems to be nothing between us anymore. There's no spark, no romance, almost zero intimacy. When we do talk it's about complete mundane shit like 'How's your day?' but we never really talk. Not like we used to. What has happened to us?"

"I don't know Jenn, we're both so busy with work, it feels like there's no time for us."

Jennifer let out a sigh and looked up towards the ceiling, then back to me.

"Is this worth saving or has our relationship run its course?"

"It's our marriage Jenn, not our relationship. And yes, it's worth saving. I can't believe you'd be ready to give up on us."

"Me? Come on Jon, you checked out of this marriage some time ago. Don't put this just on me because I'm prepared to finally say out aloud what we both already know."

"Well, I don't already know that, and I'm not prepared to give up yet, not by a long way."

Jennifer shook her head and took another sip of wine. I was starting to worry that the Stephanie bomb was about to drop, it sounds like Jennifer knows more than she's letting on.

"Where did all this come from Jenn? I agree we need to change some things but you're acting like we're already done."

"Well, that goes to the other thing I wanted to talk with you about."

Dammit, I'm sure she knows. How the fuck am I going to get out of this? What could I possibly say that doesn't end up with me packing a suitcase?

"I was asked out on a date last week by a client I sometimes deal with. He's a nice guy but I told him I'm married."

"Hold on, what?"

"You don't think I'm attractive enough to get asked out?"

"No, I mean yes. Of course you're attractive. I meant, why are you telling me this?"

"Well, today he asked me again. I said yes."

"What the fuck? Are you seriously sitting here telling me that you've accepted a date from some guy at work?"

"I know this isn't easy to hear but I think we need to take a break. I need to figure out if I want to stay in this marriage. I need to know if I still love you, not just saying the words, but if I still really love you."

"And are you going to figure that out by fucking some other guy?"

"No, don't be so crude. I'm not fucking anybody, I'm just going on a dinner date that's all."

"And if the dinner goes well, then what?"

"I don't know."

"You haven't thought this through, have you?"

That's exactly how it had started for me and Stefanie, just a dinner, then kissing, then sex.

"I just want to know if I still love you, okay? If I spend the whole time thinking about you, I'll know we're worth saving."

"And if you don't? If you don't give me a second thought because he's a smooth guy who knows how to pick up married women?"

"He's not like that, he's recently divorced and knows what I'm going through."

"You're not going through a divorce like him, not yet. I bet he thought he could take advantage of the situation and fuck up our marriage too?

"No, he's just trying to make me feel better."

"Oh come on, now who's being naïve? He wants to fuck you, most men do. You probably let it slip that our marriage wasn't going well and he's trying to get laid."

"Well, so what if he is? At least he's showing an interest in me. That's more than I can say for you lately."

I got up from the dining table and walked into the bedroom, putting on some jeans, shoes and a jacket. On the way out I grabbed my keys, phone and wallet.

"Jon, where are you going?"

"For a walk, I need some fresh air before I say something I'll regret."

"So, once again you're not going to deal with this are you?"

I looked at Jennifer with an angry stare that let her know not to push it. I walked out the door.

I walked down the block still angry and more than a little confused, when I noticed the small bar at the end of the block. Even being that close to home, I had never been inside, usually with work I just want to get home and sitting in a bar on my own was never that appealing. I went inside, ordered a beer and sat down at a table.

The waitress brought my beer over and took one look at me.

"Relationship problems?"

That made me chuckle a little.

"That obvious huh?"

"When you've been doing this as long as me, you can tell exactly what brought them here when you look at their faces. Yours looks sad, or angry. Not sure which."

"A bit of both, thanks for the beer."

As I sat there, my first thought was how did I get here? Splitting up with Stefanie and then getting told by my wife she wants to go out on a date with another guy. All within an hour.

I can't believe that the entire time I was paranoid that Jenn knew about my affair that I didn't see the whole 'I want to date someone else' shit coming. What the fuck am I going to do?

Yes, I know the contradiction about being pissed off with Jenn considering I just left Stefanie's place not long before. But if Jenn doesn't know about Stefanie, then surely I have a right to be pissed.

It then dawned on me that Jennifer at least showed me the respect that I didn't show her, she told me before it has happened that she intends to go on a date with someone, I kept that to myself with Stefanie.

The irony wasn't lost on me that her reason that she wanted to go on the date was to figure out if she still loved me. That is exactly what I figured out from dating Stefanie. It's like Jenn knows exactly what has happened and my thoughts, then come up with a plan to throw it back in face.

But at least it was clear that my affair was still a secret, there's no way Jenn would have let that slide before I walked out the door. So, what to do? Do I go back home and play the jealous angry husband throwing shit around and call her names meanwhile knowing I'm a complete lying hypocrite piece of shit?

Jenn mentioned she wanted to take a break from our marriage, does that mean she wants to separate so she can date this guy?

Does that mean one of us moves out or do we still live together?

Do I tell her that if she goes on that date, that I'm walking out the door?

That won't work, there's no way I can afford to get another apartment in NYC even if I was lucky enough to find one. I also need to be able to pay for my half of the mortgage. Fuck!

Do I go home and try to talk her out of it? But what if I can't? Do I stay there and pretend she isn't going out on a date with some guy? Sleeping in the same bed as her when she gets home?

Maybe I should move into the spare bedroom, and try ignoring her? But surely that might encourage her to take her date a step further if we are no longer even sleeping in the same bed. She might see it as me accepting that she can date. Fuck that.

What the hell, is there a scenario here where I can keep some dignity, not look like the asshole, while also getting Jenn to not go ahead with her 'dating'?

I wish my sister was here, Molly would know what I should do. I dialed her number, hearing it ring.

"Hey Jon, what are you doing calling me this late? It's after 9pm on a week night."

"Sorry Sis."

"You haven't called in weeks, but I was thinking about you today."

"Really, how come?"

"Oh, it was just something little Tommy did, he reminds me of you so much."

"You do know we're not actually related, right?"

Molly began laughing with me.

Molly is my slightly older stepsister by six months. My father left when I was four and I have never seen him since, neither has child services apparently. My mom started dating a guy named Jerry when I was six, his wife had died in a car accident leaving him with his six-year-old daughter Molly. Right from the start we were best friends, closer than most brothers and sisters I knew. My mom and Jerry soon married and we were officially brother and sister, but more importantly, we were best friends.

We went to the same schools, often in the same class, we had the same friends. We also shared everything, including our secrets. I couldn't have a better wing-man through my teenage years than having my sister tell me how to get lucky with each girl I liked. She often did the hard work for me, talking me up and telling them I said sweet things about them that I never really said at all.

She didn't really need my help to get a boyfriend though, Molly was confident and smart, but most of all she could read people like a book. She usually knew what guys were thinking before they thought it.

Molly got married to Rob at twenty-three and has three lovely kids already, all three are boys and are more than a handful. Molly had moved to DC for work before she got married, then met Rob and the rest is history. So yeah, I have missed being close with my sister for the last seven years.

"So, what's up Jon? Surely this isn't just a social call at this hour?"

"Yeah, sorry for the late call, but do you have a few minutes to talk?"

"Yeah, give me a second."

I could hear Molly speaking to Rob for a moment then got back on the line.

"So, what is it?"

"Well, it's me and Jenn. We're having a few issues."

"I'm sorry to hear that Jon. Is it something you two can work through?"

"I don't know, that's kind of why I'm calling. I was after a different perspective."

"Well, I've been giving you dating advice since Macy in sixth grade, so let's hear it."

"Fuck, I can't believe you remember Macy Thomas, my first kiss."

"Who do you think set that up? Macy would never have kissed you on your own, you were clueless."

"Yeah, no doubt. Look, about Jenn and me, you know we have been way too busy with our careers since we got married, especially the last two years. Well, we have drifted into a place where we barely talk, or go out together, or rarely have sex. I'm not blaming either of us, I think we both allowed this to happen."

"I'm assuming you've already talked to her about this?"

"No, not really. Tonight was probably the first time we really confronted it."

"What, for two years it's been going bad and you're only just talking now? What the hell Jon?"

"Yeah, I know. We're both as stubborn as each other, I don't think either of us wanted to admit something was wrong."

"Remember when I first spent time with you two at Christmas when you'd been together for only a few months? I told you right then you both were too much alike."

"Yeah, we were fine while we could spend a lot of time together but with work that has become less and less."

"So, what has happened Jon? What brought this to a head tonight?"

"Well, Jenn said we needed to talk, then asked me if I still loved her, if our marriage was worth saving."

"Okay, this is serious then. Jennifer wouldn't ask that unless you guys are in real trouble."

"Well, that's not all. She said she would like a break from our marriage, and that a guy at work asked her out and she accepted."

"Oh fuck. I'm sorry Jon. Why the hell didn't you two talk before it got to this stage? I swear you two are emotionally twelve years old."

"I'm starting to believe that."

"So, what did you say and do when she told you that?"

"I told her the guy was just trying to get into her pants, that I couldn't believe she was telling me about her wanting to go out with another guy. I then left and came here to the bar down the road. Then called you."

"Really, Jennifer told you she wanted a break from your marriage to date someone else and your response was that the other guy is just trying to get lucky?"

"What was I supposed to say? I wasn't expecting her to come out and say that."

"How about 'you're my wife, you don't date other guys, let's try to work it out or if you want a divorce let's talk'."

"I don't want a divorce though."

"Jon, she is openly telling you that your marriage is over unless you fight for it. You cannot accept her going out on dates with other people. That tells her you don't care enough to fight for her."

I was silent for a few moments. Molly doesn't know anything about Stefanie. I'm not sure if I should even tell her, I'm worried she might think a lot less of me.

"What is it Jon, you're not telling me something are you?"

"This is hard, but you're right. I didn't get that angry with Jenn because, well, because I thought she knew about my affair."

"What the hell Jon? Maybe you should have led with that when talking about the issues you two are having."

"Yeah, I know, I just feel ashamed telling you."

"Don't feel ashamed telling me, I'm not the one you cheated on. Does Jennifer know yet?"

"No, I don't think so. When she was talking about us having issues and wanting to know if I still loved her, I thought she knew. But I don't think so, there's no way she wouldn't have brought that up."

"You need to tell her Jon. If you want to save your marriage you need to start being honest with each other."

"Molly, she will probably divorce me if she finds out."

"Are you still seeing this other woman?"

"No, her name is Stefanie. Believe it or not, I broke up with her right before going home to get the talk from Jenn."

Molly started laughing at me.

"I'm sorry Jon, that shit is too funny."

"Yeah, I see the irony in it all. I was sitting there worried Jenn knew and was going to hit me with the 'who's this other woman?' line but I get the 'I want to date other men' line instead. I didn't really know how to respond. So I walked out."

"How long were you seeing Stefanie for?"

"Six months."

"Jon, really? And you didn't think through all that time that you and Jenn needed to talk about your marriage?"

"I knew, I just didn't. I don't know why. Seeing Stefanie was an easier way to deal with it."

"Or not deal with it. Damn you really are useless when I'm not there to tell you what to do."

"So, tell me what to do."