Sledge Hammered

They led me to another black Caddy where they blindfolded me, relieved me of my .38 and drove me to some warehouse. They practically frog marched me inside before they removed the blindfold and I stood in front of Big Pauly Catalano himself. He looked at me from the shadows as a bright light shined in my eyes. "Do you know who I am, Mr. Hammered?"

I tried to look in his direction as I replied, "Yes sir, Mr. Paul Catalano."

"Very good, I heard you're a smart guy. Okay smart guy, tell me, why are you here?"

I tried to convey more confidence than I felt in the moment when I answered, "Well, I believe it's in regard to the whereabouts of an acquaintance of yours, a Mr. Jacob Stein."

"He Tonio, listen to this guy, he's a regular Professor Quiz, got all the answers." He chuckled as I felt goon one as he punched me in the gut. I've never been hit so hard in my life and goon one hardly broke a sweat. I tried to suck air but failed and dropped to my knees as I gasped and attempted to get my lungs reinflated. Goon one then grabbed me by the hair and pulled my head up so that I looked Big Pauly in the eyes. "Okay, listen Hammered, you got one shot and you better tell me all about where my bookkeeper disappeared to. After Capone, you don't think that I didn't keep him watched? He disappeared after he was last seen in your company. Start singin'!"

"Mr. Catalano, I apologize. I didn't know he worked for you. He came to me as he believed his wife had cheated on him and still was. After I investigated a bit, I discovered she had been and continued to be shacked up with Joey "Wacko" Wachowicz. When I discovered who Mrs. Stein's paramour was and given his reputation, I feared for his life and as Mr. Stein was my client, I felt a sense of duty toward him. So, I arranged protection for him and sent him into hiding. He's currently on the Silver Streak enroute to Jackson Hole, Wyoming. I got Shaun "the Knife" Sullivan babysitting him on the train. I thought it was best that he gets as far away from Chicago as possible but somewhere where Joey's connections would have a hard time tracking him down."

I paused and waited as he digested what I had told him and I took it as an omen that I didn't receive a second punch to the breadbasket form goon 1. One thing was certain, what he lacked in brains he more than made up for in brawn. Big Pauly gestured for me to continue.

"Sir, he'll be under the name Marcus D. Sade at the Jackson Inn, room # 31 Monday afternoon. Train is due in at 2pm local time." I gave him the phone number and continued, "I apologize but I told Mr. Stein not to contact anyone about his travel plans or his destination. The less people who knew his itinerary and last stop destination, the safer he'd be." Big Pauly laughed when I told him Stein's alias while Tonio and the two goons wondered what was so fucking funny. He agreed with me that Stein would be safer outside the Chicago city limits.

"Mr. Hammered, I apologize for how you were treated. The problem will be handled. Mr. Hammered and Big Pauly owes you a debit and I always honor my commitments. Anything, anytime, if its in my power to grant, it yours. I'm glad you didn't need to have your face rearranged by Mario. He started punching holes in brick walls as a 12-year-old boy. Okay boys, take Mr. Hammered anywhere he needs to go." He turned and left before I was escorted out of the building and placed in the Caddy unrestrained and unblindfolded. They returned my .38 and dropped me off at my place as I headed in for what I hoped was a good night's sleep. As I laid in bed, ready to nod off I heard taps and scrapes as my door was being jimmied. I grabbed my .38 and secured it under my blanket. I cocked the revolver and pretended to sleep as I listened and waited for what came next.

A figure dressed in black slowly entered my room nearly obscured as he blended into the inky blackness of night. I managed to see a faint silhouette as my eyes adjusted to the dim illumination, more like a memory of light than actual light itself. I pointed the muzzle of my revolver toward the shadowy figure and hoped he's stop. Suddenly he spoke, "When you met the husband of my woman, I thought, well it's just a coincidence ya see. But then I heard that you met with Big Pauly, the fat slob, then I figured you knew that I've been banging that dame regular steady, ya know? So, I knew you needed to be erased. I'm gonna enjoy beating his whereabouts out of ya before I carve you up and deposit you all over the south side! Then I'll get that sissy husband of hers and disappear him too. Got it "Mr. Big Shot private dick?"

I allowed Joey Wacko to take several more steps before I unloaded enough lead into his belly to open a sinker factory. When I heard him hit the floor, I turned the lights on before I reloaded and put a couple into his gray matter just to make sure he never bothered anyone again. I never knew that I'd cash in my favor so soon with Big Pauly. I called the number and he got back to me five minutes later. I explained the situation and told him if he'd made Joey Whacko disappear forever, we'd be even."

Look, Sledge," he started, "You did me a favor. I had already ordered a hit on that shit for brains Whacko. You saved my boys the trouble. Now I owe you two favors. Make sure you collect, okay?"

"Yes sir! Thanks Big Pauly."

I heard the line go dead. Twenty-five minutes later what was left of Joey Whacko was gone and you'd never know what had happened here just an hour prior. No body, no brains no blood and no muss no fuss. I read Phil's column the next day and it mentioned Big Pauly Catalano had left town and headed down to Mexico to do some shark fishing. I also heard through some relieved wise guys that Joey Whacko was put on ice and shipped south of the border. What was left of him was hacked up into little pieces and used to chum for the sharks Big Paul hoped to catch.

Stein returned home from Jackson Hole a week later. Seems he enjoyed a chance to enjoy some of the western ambiance that a dyed in the wool city boy found fascinating. I also learned that one Daisy Mae Stein accompanied Big Pauly to Mexico. It was rumored that he fucked like a whore for a month in between using her boyfriend to catch sharks.

When he finished with her, goons one and two took a couple of turns before she was sold to a hard cased old madam at a Mexican whorehouse. I was told she smiled at the prospect of the pesos she'd earn from the banditos and modern day Comancheros she serviced with the lily white, blonde with the "enormes tetas." I heard that they stood in line and forked over "mucho dinero" for a chance with the gringo whore.

Stein came to see me shortly after he returned and handed me a new leather briefcase. "A token of gratitude from me and Mr. Catalano. Also, I'll do your books and taxes from now on the cuff. Thanks for the good work, Sledge."

When Jake left, I opened the briefcase and found it contained $25,000 and a note that said, "A bonus, Big Pauly." I kicked back and put my feet up the desk. I decided I needed to celebrate so I reached in and pulled out the bottle of rotgut. I looked at the bottle and then the briefcase. Suddenly, I flung the bottle against the wall and watched as the glass shattered and the amber liquid cascaded down my drab unpainted wall. I called Peter Luger's and dropped Big Pauly C's name and snagged a reservation for eight. I grabbed the case and put the cash in my safe after I liberated $1500 pocket change. I popped into Enzo's just before Sally got off.

"Sally, what do you have planned after work?" It was nearly 5pm.

"I planned on taking the L home and soak my sore tired feet before I head to bed. I'm off tomorrow."

I offered her a ride. On the way home I asked her if she could be persuaded to have a leisurely steak dinner at Peter Luger's and then some drinks and dancing, that is after she soaked her feet.

"What did you do Sledge, win the Irish Sweepstakes or something?"

"Or something Sally! Or something, most definitely."

We dined and sipped the best champagne into the wee hours of the morning and even spent some time dancing. Back at her place we danced the horizontal mamba until sunrise as he did her level best to fuck me senseless while she tried to smother me in those pendulous 38DD titties. After we slept the sleep of the dead, nearly comatose for 12 hours, we did our best to do two shows a day and she was even more spectacular in the evening performance than she was in the matinee. I called Enzo and arranged for Sally to have the rest of the week off and he agreed he could spare her rather than incur the wrath of Big Pauly.

Next week found me back in my drab office and in my desk, a bottle of single malt replaced my rotgut rye. Between the money and Sally, I managed to cast off the devil incarnate and the specter of my ex-bitch was finally purged. No more rotgut for me. I poured a glass and felt the silky smoothness as it slid down my throat. Like the memory of my ex-wife, the harshness had disappeared in my libation as well as my life in general. Of course, Sally was back slingin' hash for Enzo but for a few days, we truly lived like royalty.

However, once the bloom was off the rose, Sally realized what I already knew, I'm never going to be marriage material ever again and honestly, she deserved better. A few months later, she met and shortly after, married a nice Jewish doctor she met shopping on the Miracle Mile with the grand I gave her because she restored my life. Now, she lived like a true princess having found her own Prince Charming She's a special woman and she really deserved it. I declined attending the wedding as I knew my lust would show but I had sent a nice gift to the happy couple. I felt like cupid once removed. I made sure that I gave Angie, my girl Friday, a substantial raise and two grand as a bonus for the years of dedicated hard work for me.

Okay, enough of this sentimental bullshit. My life continued much the same as it had the past few years with the exception that a huge weight had been lifted from my soul. I worked and occasionally got my ashes hauled by some willing dame but I knew love wasn't in the cards for me. Past experience taught me that I'm too hard boiled to properly love a woman the way a woman needed to be loved and I'm way too edgy to be loved in return. So, I simply sat and waited for the next case and the next poor sap who needed my help. I picked up the glass and held it to the dim light of the desk lamp as I admired its soft amber hue. I took another sip as I thought, "Damn this is good whisky!"