All Comments on 'Sleeping with My Enemy Pt. 01'

A good build up but the ending is crap.

The story ends just as you get to the best bit

surly there will be more to this story really getting good

Dear intrepid and valued reader, fear not...like most of my stories, this is only part 1 (as the title details) there is more to come.

You are overusing the word Cus too much especially for two people who didn't get along not too long ago

Just one criticism .. your paragraphs are to long. Large blocks of print make it hard to read and tend to discourage readers. Break them up into smaller bites, they'll be tastier that way; and thanks for the story.

Too many stereotypical cliches

Verbiage can never overpower quality

3 whole pages to get to first pussy pulsing?

Like the title says you have a good plot to work with. The issue with the story though is your constant mention of poor black stereotypes. For instance talking about a black people's church? Why? Black people not the only ones that go to church all day or praise through song dance you could just have easily said Pentecostal and been just as clear. Or even the mall scene how they had to trek through the nice rich part of the store to get to the "hip hop wanna be on a budget store" plus shouldn't Azia have known about the store as well there is no mention of them growing up in different towns but she has tormented him all his childhood so I assumed they lived in the same town. Anyway just a few examples my opinion is stop throwing the ghetto black memes in your story and let the conversations tell the story you have some decent skill with those. Oh and "The Sugar" does not need quotation marks it's not something older people steal from a movie or other reference it's something they use to directly replace the word diabetes, just so you know.

This is really good stuff. Your style is unique but quite engaging. Keep up the good work.

I can't comment knowledgeably on others' claims about you using too much stereotypical language of Black culture, so I'll leave that to those who can. Otherwise, I think you are one hell of a writer, with a great start to an interesting story.

DB1, I was the only white boy on our block in the early 1960's. Yeah, it was Compton, and we were poor. I lived in Alabama for years after that. Most of my friends were black and I got teased a lot by my black friends, but they always had my back, and I had theirs. I suffered the wrath of whites though. People ignorantly bash things they have no clue about because its different, like culture. Down deep though we're all the same. No one culture is better than another, they're just different. You're depicting a realistic view of black culture, so ignore the anons who hide behind the anonymity and talk trash because their clueless. Five Stars!

It is always funny to learn that those who feel qualified to criticize often haven't submitted here and while that is their right, this writing thing is a lot harder than most people know. This story is well paced and interesting and is gradually told in a way that is hard to do. Keep it up brother. The annoying sound you hear are misquitoes looking to suck someone else's blood.

Those that have no literary skills are always spewing non-constructive criticism...