Slip of the Tongue

"Too many people knew. Word would have gotten around. People would have been laughing at me behind my back and I'd have found out sooner or later. I'm glad he told me."

"Really?" she asked.

"Really! I was living a lie, in a dream world that wasn't real. I thought I had a marriage to a woman who loved me and none of that was true. No matter how much it hurts, it's better to know than not to know."

They wanted me to spend the night, but I had to get used to my new life. I went back to my condo -- I just couldn't make myself call it home anymore. Again I fell gratefully into the black pit of sleep.

Sunday was bad, very bad. I went out when I woke up, showered and shaved, then had a big breakfast. After that I cruised the Riverwalk and watched Friendship Fountain as it spurted in the morning sunlight on the other side of the St. Johns River near MOSH, the Museum of Science and Natural History.

I was able to kill enough time to make it to one of the morning flicks. I bought another ticket so I didn't have to leave the theater for a total of almost five hours. After that I drove to Jax Beach, which killed more time, and had unlimited crablegs. I found another movie I hadn't seen and killed another two hours, then had a drink at a quiet bar called The Last Call not too far from the condo.

A Hispanic guy with a big head of black hair, with just a frosting of grey at the temples, came over to me as I sat at the bar drinking, one of the only five customers in the place.

"What did she do?"

I looked over my Johnny Walker with one ice cube and thought about my answer. What the hell. Bartenders were supposed to know everything.

"Broke my heart, trampled all over it and took it with her."

"Left you for another man?"

"Kicked her out because I found out she'd been with another man for six months."

"You feel better now?"

"Yeah. That's why I've spent the longest day of my life trying to fill in the hole she left."

"You sure you did the right thing?"

"The only thing."

He looked at me as he put away glasses under the bar.

"I don't know much, but the one thing I know and I learned it the hard way is that there is NEVER just one thing that you can do. There are always options."

I finished off the drink and said, "How much do I owe you for the wisdom?"

H e shrugged.

"Nothing. I'm just a bartender. Good luck."

January rolled over and then it was February, then March. I'd seen an attorney and got the paperwork set up. Rox had come back twice to the condo that I was aware of without running into me and it was now bare of any trace of eight years of her life with me. People at work very studiously avoided mentioning her name or asking what had happened between us, which I could probably thank Bobby for.

I had to monitor other stations so I wound up watching Anderson deliver the news and flirt with his female station staff and dreamed every night of pounding his face into a red pulp. But nothing happened. I had put out feelers and got expressions of interest from a station in Miami -- too close -- and Nebraska too small and too....everything.

There was always something going on at the Ritz, so I had to keep taking their press releases, usually written by Roxanne Hunter, and wondered when she was going to stop using my damned name. Once and only once we'd covered a conference of specialists in cutting edge brain surgeries meeting at the Ritz. While reviewing the tape, before I could stop myself, I watched her giving a short answer to a question about the conference.

They'd shot it in a hallway. The light was good. Her hair was just as flaming red, the lips like blood, eyes you could fall into, the body just as unbelievable in a business suit. I had known her for too long and I noticed the redness in her eyes, the pallor against her usually dusky skin. But she smiled and did her best to charm the reporter interviewing her. She was going to survive.

I wasn't hurting for sex. It was good, athletic, sweaty wholesome fun. But there were nights when I'd bring some cute secretary or lady cop home and decide midway through the seduction dance that I just wasn't in the mood. Those were the nights I'd drink until I passed out wherever I was.

The phone rang on a Friday night at the end of March. I hadn't bothered setting up a date and didn't feel like going out to eat, so I ordered a Papa John's Supreme Pizza, took a Michelob Light six-pack out of the fridge which I now kept stocked, and sat back to watch a Lord of the Rings marathon on Blue-Ray.

"Tommy."

I didn't say anything for a long time. I wanted to hang up on her. I should have hung up on her but I didn't.

"Tommy, please don't hang up."

"What do you want, Rox?"

"I want to come over and talk to you."

"We don't have anything to talk about. Did you get the papers?"

"I got them last week."

"Then we don't have anything to talk about. They're pretty clear. We just walk away. We don't have kids. We'll split our savings, you get your Audi and I'll get my Mustang. We'll sell the condo unless you want to buy me out. I don't expect to be here, or in Jax, long term. No alimony or maintenance because we're both independent. It's about as clean as anything can be."

"I'll sign the papers. At your place if you want me to. But I want a chance to talk to you face to face."

"I don't want to talk to you. Last time it got pretty rough."

"I know. You scared me. I've never seen you like that. But, I can tell from your voice you're past that."

"Yeah, I'm past rage. I'm on to hurt and bitterness and fucking nightmares of you and him together. I've come a long way."

"Please, Tommy, just an hour. And then I'll be out of your life and I'll never bother you again."

"Why don't you understand? I don't want to see you."

She was silent for a long moment. Then:

"That night you begged me to be honest with you. If only for the eight years we shared. And I couldn't do it. Now I'm asking you. We had eight years together. I know they were mostly good. Can't you give me an hour, just an hour, for those eight years?"

I knew I was going to say yes. Because in the deepest part of myself I had to know how I'd failed her, how I'd lost her. I could leave her behind and never know, but it would torment me for the rest of my life.

"Okay. How long before you're here?"

"Oh, thirty seconds."

In a moment there was a knock at the door.

I opened to find her wearing a rain coat and holding her cell in one hand and a small red clasp purse in the other. She smiled at me, or at least she tried.

`"Sorry," she said, holding up the cell phone. "I didn't want to give you time to change your mind."

The raincoat was an expensive, blood red form fitting number that was as sexy as a raincoat could get, tied at the waist. But I was wrong. It got sexier when she tugged at the sash and it fell open.

She might have lost a few pounds, but the curves were still there. She had a trim red bush between her legs. Her heavy breasts rose and fell with her breath.

"This is so cliché."

"They're clichés because they work," she said as she glided toward me.

"You think it's going to work?" I asked as she reached out, took my hands, and placed them on her breasts.

"I hope so," she said softly.

I squeezed those mounds that had figured in so much of our play over the years and then watched her features twist as I squeezed harder. She fell to her knees and I kept up the pressure. I released one and then brought my hand back.

She looked up as a I drew back my hand and closed her eyes.

"If you have to hit me, go ahead. I deserve it."

"You bitch, you miserable bitch," I said as I carried her to the floor under me. I mauled her breasts sucking and biting and not worrying when she winced. Somehow we got my pants off and I was inside her without any foreplay. It didn't matter. She was soaking wet and as hot

There was no finesse, no technique, I just pounded it into her as fast and hard as I could and she rose to meet every thrust, moaning, "Oh God, so good, so good. I've missed this."

My mind wanted to rebel, wondering how many times she'd said that while Anderson pounded her with his 'big' dick as she'd blurted out. But I shut it off. I couldn't do this and think about us. And this was almost certainly the last time in this life I'd enjoy her.

It didn't last long. It couldn't. I came. And came. And it seemed like I'd keep going forever. She wrapped those powerful legs around me and held me in a vise while she screamed, "YES."

I guess I could still make her scream. Not that it mattered.

I finally softened and slid out of her, rolling over on my back. I glanced over. She lay beside me, those glorious breasts rising and falling, that mane of fiery hair spread around her like a halo.

"Why?" I finally asked when I got my breath back.

"I wanted you. I wanted this. I wanted you inside me again. I wanted to be here."

"Why?"

"I've missed you."

"I didn't miss you."

"Liar. Carol is still pissed at me but she's talking. I know how you've been. I know you're looking to get out of town to get away from me."

I rolled over and propped my elbow under me, looking at her the way you'd tear a scab off a wound to enjoy the pain.

"I repeat, Rox, why are you here?"

When she didn't answer, I repeated, "Why?"

And then: "It's sweet that you missed fucking me. But there are tons of guys out there you could be with. I assume Anderson is still pleasing you with that huge dick of his."

She looked up at me. She was sweating like she'd run a marathon.

"I want to come back."

I almost laughed.

"Never going to happen. I'll have you sign the divorce papers before you walk out."

"I'll sign. I know we'll be divorced. But that doesn't have to be the end."

"It ended in August, Rox. It ended that first night you fucked him out on the grass at the Ritz."

"That's over. I haven't been with him since- the day -- the day-"

"The day you sneaked up to Atlanta for that seminar and you did it all with him, as he said. Did it all, you miserable goddamned bitch, and came back lying to me."

"Since then. He called me a week after -- you threw me out. I said no. I haven't been with anybody else."

"Why do I have so much trouble believing that?"

"You can investigate. You're good at that. Or I'll take a polygraph. By the way, I've got the results of my blood tests in my purse. I had myself tested the week after -- Atlanta, and regularly since then. I knew you'd think about that. I'm clear on everything. AIDS...not certain. But everything seems to be good. There's a new test not many people have heard about that will show indicators that something might be wrong. A friend checked me and said I seem to be in the clear."

I looked out at the night sky. It was clear, Stars twinkling the way they had every night we'd lain here. But everything else had changed.

"But you were willing to risk my life. You did him bareback at the Ritz, I know you did, and then you came back three nights later and did it with me. He's a fucking dog, Rox, and you knew it. He screws everything that will stand still for him. He could have 50 STDs, but you exposed me to all of that."

She tried to meet my gaze, but couldn't.

"I know. You don't think I know? Not only did I cheat on you for six months, but I endangered your life. If I was you..."

She stopped, then raised her gaze to mine.

"I was about to say that I wouldn't have taken you back if you had been cheating and exposing me to diseases but that's a lie. I would have been hurt and I'd put you through hell crawling back but I'd take you back because I love you."

"You love me?" and I tried to put every ounce of anger and sarcasm and disbelief into those three words.

"I love you, Tommy. Deep down you know I do. I've been with a lot of men before you and thought I was in love before, but it was never real. You were real. We were real. You were -- you are -- the man I want to grow old with. I want to be with you when we're in adjacent nursing home beds. I want to die before you do."

"So that's why you went back to him and fucked him in his car? I could understand the Ritz - you were drunk and he is hot. It happened! He said you wouldn't do it again that night. I could have gotten by that - but you went BACK to him! You couldn't love me and betray me for six months."

"I did love you -- I do love you. But he was....so...beautiful."

"That's it?"

She finally looked me in the eye.

"I'm shallow. I'm stupid. But, he was just so damned attractive. I love you and I love our sex, but...it was like putting your hand over a flame. I knew I was going to get burned, but I couldn't stop myself."

I didn't want to bring it up but I couldn't help myself.

"It didn't hurt that he was so damned good, did it? Good enough that you let him have your ass. You would never let me, but you loved it from him."

I knew I was being whiny, but for some reason that was the cherry on top. She had not only given him what was supposed to be mine, but she'd give him more.

"He told you about that?"

"He told me everything. He was proud of himself."

She examined her toes for a long time.

"Yes, I let him take me anally. He pushed it at first, but I got to like it. It is different."

"Yeah, very different with him."

At that point I was ready to toss it in. It was such a small thing compared to six months of treachery, but it seemed to illustrate everything about his superiority to me in the bedroom. I started to sit up.

She grabbed my arm.

"Tommy. Don't. You don't understand."

"Oh, I understand."

"You don't, dammit. You remember that time, the first time we tried...you know, to do it."

I remembered very well. I'd felt like such a jerk.

"You hurt me. I know you didn't mean to. You got carried away. I thought I was going to have to go to the ER. Well, I wasn't having any part of it when he tried to get me to do it, but he finally talked me into it. He promised he'd stop if he hurt me. It wasn't wonderful, but he didn't hurt me. After awhile, I got to like it. I got to like it a lot."

"Bottom line, you loved doing it for him. You hated it with me. Call me thin skinned, but that pisses me off."

She shook her head.

"Men are stupid AND thin skinned. You still don't get it, do you?"

"Alright, I'm stupid."

"You were too big, you moron, and we didn't spend enough time getting ready. Rob -- Robert -- was a little longer than you, but not enough. You were a lot bigger overall. He was more -- comfortable -- back there than you and he knew enough to prepare me. I know women go on about how big he is down there, but they haven't been with you."

"You're telling me I'm bigger than he is?"

"Yes, and better than he is. He's so fucking good looking, and he is good in bed, but he didn't do anything to me you haven't been doing for eight years. And I know damn well your bed hasn't been empty since we split."

"Except for taking that ass of yours."

She looked at and then, a smile on those luscious lips, rolled over on her stomach. Her ass was a wonder, the 9th Wonder of the World.

"It's still going to be hard, doing it with you, but nothing is off limits from now on. We have to work at it for it not to hurt, but it's yours. If you want to get some butter, we can try it right now, or I can bring some toys by next time to get me ready."

As she rolled back to face me I couldn't help it.

"You think giving me your ass -- used as it is -- is going to be enough to make it all alright between us?"

"No, but I hope it'll prove that I'm telling the truth when I say I'll do anything, anything you say, to convince you to give me a second chance."

I couldn't help myself. I found my hand reaching out to cup her right breast. The fat nippled hardened in my palm.

"I repeat, why? You still haven't answered me. Why do you want to be with me? You have a great career. You can have virtually any man you want. God knows there have been enough guys hit on you over the years. You're hotter now than when we met. You don't need me for security, or sex."

"I told you already. I love you."

"That's not enough, Rox. Even if I said I still loved you, it's not enough. I couldn't ever trust you. You lied and cheated for six months. Because you met an incredibly hot guy and you had to have him. News flash. The world is full of incredibly hot guys. Say you're telling the truth and you're done with Anderson. How do I know that next week, or next month, you won't meet another hot guy and you just won't be able to resist him?"

She sat up without answering, her breasts bobbing and reminding me all over again what I was losing.

"Do you have anything to drink? You got another Michelob?"

"In the fridge."

She walked into the kitchen magnificently naked.

She came back with a Michelob and took a deep swallow as she sat down across from me in the love seat. She was as unselfconscious as a big cat, stretching back in the chair.

"When it first happened, that first night, I didn't plan on it. I really didn't. He got me excited. I was dreaming about him for a month. Sexy dreams. And I thought that night I'd come home to you and rock your world and you'd never know I was fucking him in my head. I've done it before and I know you have. Don't you dare tell me you haven't been inside somebody else in your head when you were pounding me. I even know the names of a couple of them. Carol and I have been talking for a long time."

She took another long sip and swished it before swallowing.

"To this day I don't know how it happened. It's just -- we were drinking and he was so damned hard and I was supposed to be there until at least 10 and he was funny and charming and I couldn't breath inside and it seemed the most logical thing in the world to walk out with him for some air. And then I fell and he was inside of me and...If you had been standing there looking at us, I think I would have still fucked him. I couldn't stop myself."

She stopped for a minute.

"I was so damned ashamed. I couldn't look at him and I couldn't stand the thought of having to look at you. So I stayed over at the Ritz."

"But you went back for more."

Finally she looked up at me.

"I went back for more. I kept thinking about him. I kept remembering that night. I tried to fuck you to death to drive him out of my head, but I couldn't. And I told myself I'd meet with him to close things out. But I knew. I knew what was going to happen. I won't lie to you about that."

I just stared at her. I didn't need to put it into words.

"I knew it would destroy you if you found out. I knew it wouldn't last and I knew I'd never have a life with him. We'd just fuck and enjoy each other for awhile and then he'd move on. I knew it would break your heart if you found out yet I still kept meeting him."

"How could you?"

"Because my life with you was in one world. Where I was Mrs. Tommy Hunter and I loved you and we had a good marriage. When I was with him...you didn't exist. I wasn't married. All that mattered were those moments, those hours, that we spent in his car or in parks or cheap motel rooms."

All I could do was stare at her.

"You probably never knew it, but you know how you bugged me and bugged me to stop smoking? And you checked my clothing to see if there was any residue? And you caught me about three times and I always fucked my way out of it? And you never knew how I'd smoke at work and I had outfits there to change into while I had the ones that stunk of cigarette smoke dry cleaned so you wouldn't know about it.

"I was lying to you about it, leading a separate life where I could indulge in my vice and you'd never know about it. I told myself you were being a controlling asshole, that I could smoke and it was my body, and my life.

"I told myself that every couple has secrets. No matter how tight they are, everyone has a little part of a separate life they don't give up when they say 'I do'."