All Comments on 'Slumber Party Ch. 01'

This is a really fun story. I enjoyed how you took your time before you had it turn sexual.

Ive read this exact same story before. The only differences are the names. Please remove it. This is plagerism and morally wrong.

That was a great story can't hardly wait for part two.

Have him fuck the rest as well

Don't let him fuck the rest let it stay incestual!

I've read this exact story quite recently. If it is Plagiarized I suggest you remove it immediately as well. Thats about as uncool as it gets. <:-(

Are you the original author? Is this a re-post? If it is, please reassure us, and if you're not, and you lifted this from someone else and passed it off as your own work, then that's about as low as it gets. One or the other, please.

loved it

You give us some very well constructed dialogues, but you rush the sex scene. Take your time, offer the readers some clear descriptions of the sensations, of the physiological reactions of their bodies... and some dirty talking. Basically, you make a fabulous buildup, but sprint true the fun part.

I did not vote yet. I try to write on this site, and to think that someone is cool with stealing other's work. Please clear up this issue soon.

This or something like it not to long ago

Please continue, I'd like to see how the rest if the night goes! Also, I'd like a slower sex scene or so, more details.

Wh

Continue!

I enjoyed the story, it was a great idea and a good beginning.

However it climaxed (yea I see the pun) way too fast and then fizzled out. You had almost a page of good build up, but then when it came to a real sex act between the two not only was there no realistic hesitation, the detail you started with vanished and the story was over.

A re-write here with more details/realism wouldn't be a bad idea.

Alright premise. No character development, no background. More like a quick hand-job than a good fuck.

It could have been at least a decent story had you put some details in the sex scene. There was no build up & a half ass sex scene on top of that.

Thank you all for the feed back. I see that I ended the story way too quickly after the build up. This is the first story I've written so all feedback is welcome. I will do my best to get better at this. I'm working on chapter 2 and I promise to make the sex scenes longer and more detailed.

To those who say this is plagiarism, I assure you it is not. Never in my life would I dare to plagiarize another person's work. I think it's morally and ethically wrong. If this has similarities to another story, please point me in the direction of the story. I have never read a story similar to this. I originally wrote this story maybe 3 years ago but never published it on Literotica. I'm fairly certain the only place I actually published it online was just Craigslist trying to find like minded individuals who liked to write and wanted to e-mail each other fun stories.

What a mess! I just came in my pants!

Your ending, as stated by many, shows that you either ran out of ideas or energy to write them down. In my own writing I find it fun to close my eyes and picture what I might like to do in the same situation. ALSO there is the after effects. The act itself is wonderful, but the effects of what it does to people are just as wonderful. Perhaps you might tell us what this slumber party did to these two? How did they feel about it immediately as well as the next day and the weeks thereafter? Did they continue? Were they ashamed? Did they want to conform to what is "normal"? Or did they fond their own "normal"?

I loved the story, by the way. Please don't take my comments to mean that the story was no good. I placed you in my favorites hoping for more of this one, in fact. PLEASE continue! We await more about these two.

very good story , I can't wait to see what happens next. Please keep Lizzy and Ray together exclusively and not have this turn into a orgy, that usually ruins the story. Have Lizzy tell her brother that she doesn't want him to screw the others, only her and her alone.

Awesome story can't wait for ch 2!!!

but it went from, I am not sure about this, to let's fuck, in the time it took for the bottle to make one revolution.

If, however, they had spent the evening with sideways glances, the occasional dare, but lots of incidental contact, and as the slumber gathering wound down, and the lights were off, Lizzie slipped into her brother's room to "talk" about the evening. The tension could have been too much for the two of them to handle. [;-p

Like others have said, take your time with it. Even if it jumps straight to the fucking like it did, there was still so much more you could have described happening. Keep writing because you have good ideas, just take your time and be a little more descriptive and be patient. It's always best if it happens naturally.

I came here for genuine Garfeild the cat pornography, and you disapointed me.

When will Ch. 2 cum out?

I'm really looking forward to chapter two, I can hardly wait to see what happens next. And will they continue after the slumber party?

""

"I want to see.. I mean, I dare you to show us your cock," Courtney was completely into this now.

"But Lizzy is here," I cried.

"It's nothing I haven't seen on other boys," Lizzy said.

"Are you sure this is okay?" I asked.

""

Why do authors insist on making the guys such wanker ass whiny, whimpy pussies?!

But..but...she'll see my wee wee!! Wah!!

""

She was stunning and if she hadn't been my sister I would have done anything to have her. I guess I was about to get my wish.

""

Hell, im surprised you havent been sneaking into her room for years!

""

Lizzy didn't hesitate, "I dare you to take your shirt off and come and fuck me until you cum."

""

Now *THATS* my sister!! Wooo!!!

You know what? Im perfectly happy with them getting busy and jumping right to the good stuff. Gotta remember what era we're in now, lol. ...besides, I hate a long, drawn out game sequence, ugh! I almost skipped it... Went to another story and then came back to be mildly surprised!

wow we had a cum on the face party. My friend linda won the contest. Her face was completely covered in thick gooey sperm it was in her hair forehead across her lips on her cheeks she never looked so good. Mandy took a load of pics of her face. Linda didn't mind because you could never recognize her. . I can't wait for our next get together. I think it's gonna be on swallowing, I can't wait.

It was great going until the very end. Lots of good buildup and character development (for an erotic story) and then it was like you got bored writing and decided to just phone in the end. Please consider rewriting the last few paragraphs, because I think you could do the story a lot of justice.

Your "Lizzy" Slumber Party story is excellent. However, you left it with a little bit of a cliffhanger; which had me and my partner, Magi, discussing possibilities. I would like you to provide the next chapter, base on your thoughts and knowledge of the characters.

Please continue the story. Regards, Chase

Great build up, then it crashed and burned. It's like you just gave up.

Great as a build up to a chapter 2 - please continue!