Snow Whispers

Snow Whispers

The holidays. A time of joy and stress. It was especially so this year. It was bittersweet as it was my daughter's first Christmas but I was single. But not by choice; I was a widow. When I was 2 months pregnant my husband lost his life in a accident. We had been married for a little over a year in a whirlwind romance as they call it.

It was by pure chance we met while on a sidewalk in the snow. It was a wintry, windy day. Snow flurries swept by that made you want to snuggle deep into your coat and head back home. I had been walking along when I saw a glare of copper on the street. A penny, face up looked up at me. I couldn't waste the chance of some good luck so I bent over to pick it up when bam! I was slammed into by a wiggling, warm mass of fur that was desperately trying to consume with my fallen body.

I could hear a man calling aggressively, "Off boy! Off! Shadow! Get off her!!" I tried to fend off this over excited pooch, who must have weighed a good 60 pounds, but to no avail. Finally the weight vanished as did the well intentioned doggy kisses. I looked up into the cold blue sky and saw a very friendly, strong, male face peering down at me in a very apologetic way. He reached out a gloved hand to pull me up, his grasp was firm and strong as he held back his dog with his other hand. As he easily helped me up I tried not to slide on the snow and was able to see his dog was a very big lab mix, as dark as coal. He barked at us and happily sat down panting from his mini workout.

"Hey, I am sorry about that. I don't know what got into him. Sometimes he just sees someone he has got to meet...this time it looks to have worked in my favor though." And with those words he smiled brightly and walked me home. Shadow and Benjamin quickly charmed me with their upbeat personalities and their abounding love. Benjamin swore that Shadow knew that we were destined for each other. That the snow that day had whispered and told Shadow that we needed to meet. I just smiled at his romantic sentiment. We were engaged by six months and married in over a year.

My friends were jealous and my family understanding of our love. In the moment I was happy and excited for our future. I had the perfect husband. He was attentive, romantic, adventurous, and basically what every woman would want in their significant other. I was blessed. The day of his proposal we had been out walking with Shadow at a local park. Shadow was off leash and enjoying our outing. Suddenly he ran to the sidewalk we had been following along the outskirt of the park. As we continued to walk Shadow stayed behind and began to bark repetitively. I tried to call him to us but like his usually self he ignored me.

Benjamin smiled which always made me swoon inside and said, "Think you better go figure out what is up with the bugger."

As I walked up to him I told Ben playfully, "You know he is your disagreeable dog and you should get him." Shadow was looking down at the ground tail wagging furiously. As I tugged his collar to move him so I could see what he was obsessing about, there on the ground was a penny with the words in rainbow chalk Will You Marry Me? I felt tears upon my cheek as I turned around to find him on his knees with a gorgeous ring in his hand. And to my surprise several of our close friends nearby watching.

"Sarah, from the moment I saw you with Shadow trying to tell you he loved you before he even met you; you in the snow looked like an angel and I knew I loved you. That penny right there brought me luck because it brought me to you. I picked it up that day and ever since I have carried it in my wallet to remind me that I am a lucky man. Will you marry me?"

"YES! Yes! Yes!" As he slid the ring on my finger our friends applauded and Shadow barked his joy jumping around and trying to kiss everyone as we were swarmed by congratulations.

The memory made me shiver as I looked outside while nursing my daughter. Fresh snow was falling and it reminded me of him. I looked down at my daughter and saw some of her father with her brown eyes and hair. Warm and gentle like him. She was drifting off to sleep like she did while nursing, slightly sweating. I eased her into a better position to carry her to her crib. She fought a bit to keep my breast in her mouth and her eyes fluttered. I stopped moving, afraid to wake her completely. She eased back into sleep, suckling quickly while she dreamed of sweet things I am sure. I tried again to stand as I had things to do no matter how much I could just sit there and watch her. Shadow looked up from his resting spot beside me as I moved again and his tail thumped softly.

"Shsshh! Don't wake her!" He laid his head back down and thumped his tail in answer. I smiled. I was able to walk on swift feet to get her to her crib where she stirred for a moment when laid to rest but stayed in her slumber. I sighed in relief. I had so much laundry to do. It had taken over my room and the bathroom. I went about gathering them to sort and organize loads when another memory resurfaced of a rainy day.

We had been married for a few short weeks and had gone back to work. We had stayed up most of the night talking and making love. So we woke up tired but he was in a playful mood. We could here the rain pouring, hitting the window pane in a soothing tap tap tap. After he had tickled me and got up to make us coffee he came back into the bedroom, chest bare, sexy brown hair ruffled, and blue boxers that revealed a fairly impressive package.

"So I was thinking, stay in bed with me, all day. Play hooky! I want to make love to you till the night ends again." He said this as he snuck under the covers with me again.

"Um, no sir! We already did enough of that. I gotta go to work! You can stay home and make love to yourself." I said this as I started to pull the covers back to get up but he quickly scooped me in his arms, spooning me as he whispered into my ear.

"But I haven't shown you what it is like to make love in the rain! To synchronize our bodies to the pounding of the rain and become like wild rain sex nymphs." I laughed as I shoved him away and got into a sitting position to look at our room with clothes thrown about from the previous day.

He suddenly tackled me and held me down as he kissed me roughly. "You are not escaping my little rain nymph! You are mine till the rain ends! I will make sweet, sweet love to you before your time ends and you will know how it feels to have a man fuck you till you can't walk." Then he began to kiss me down my neck to my breast and proceeded to follow through on his words. I wouldn't walk straight for two days without feeling the after effects.

I sighed. My family had been trying to encourage me to come stay with them for the holidays but I declined all the offers and had stayed home. All I wanted was my husband home with me for the holidays. He should be here with us now, watching our daughter grow. See her affection for Shadow and amazement at the holiday lights. I had wanted to be a Scrooge this holiday but my friends had insisted on sprucing up the house with holiday cheer so it was adorned with warm white lights inside and out and even had a lovely little tree full of colorful lights that sparkled in the night.

Although I tried to put on a happy face while they had been here it had all been a farce. I didn't feel the holiday spirit this year. All I wanted was my family back together. For my husband to be by my side to celebrate everything I was thankful for. For the little one he had given me to cherish and love...something he should have been given too.

I felt the familiar anger rising up again. A common pain these many months. I went to my room and looked at the photo of him and me on our wedding day. Sitting in its usually resting spot was the penny that was starting to show signs of wearing by my constant rubbing of it's face. I found myself picking it up to hold it as I went to the living room, running my fingers over the smooth cold surface. I held onto it in hopes I guess of some sort of luck.

Shadow happily followed me and went to the back door asking to be let out. I went to the door and watched him for a moment run around playfully in the snow. I stood there and looked down at the penny in my hand and suddenly I angrily threw it out into the snow. It wasn't lucky. I didn't want it since I didn't have him. It disappeared into the snow and was gone. For a second I was calm and then it hit me and I felt a slight panic. What had I just done! I ran out in the snow in my socks and scrambled to where I thought it was.

I moved the snow around searching and quickly realized it was lost as I saw my breathe come out in a fog. I felt horrible. Tears upon my face at my rash reaction and the cold biting into my feet and hands. The tears began to frost on my skin as the snow began to melt around my legs. I stood up and saw Shadow watching me. He ran to me happily and tried to jump on me. I shoved him off and began to walk back to the house, my feet beginning to numb. Shadow followed and I went inside feeling a deep loss over a stupid penny. As my body quickly warmed up I went to check on her to make sure she was still asleep. She was resting on her belly, her butt in the air which made a soft smile and allowed my tears to dry.

Her birth had been hard. So many emotions. I had never seen something so amazing and precious. And everyday as she grew I could see so much of her father. When I held her in my arms the first time I felt like I couldn't do it. That I had nothing left to give to someone that deserved so much. I was broken with no chance of recovery. But as time had passed these last few months she began to heal me. I would never be the same but she was helping me mend my broken heart by replacing my lost love with a new deep found love. I was blessed to have such a gift. Though as I looked out at the snow right now, I couldn't help but feel sad that I didn't have the other part to myself here with me. It may have been selfish but as I looked outside my window and saw the snow falling in thick beautiful clusters, I felt alone.

I dropped the last article of white clothing in a bin and got the colored load into the washing machine to be washed. I went and checked on my daughter. She was still asleep so I walked to the kitchen to finish the dishes.

As I washed I looked outside. I loved the snow. Most people, especially down south detested it. But it was peaceful and calming. I made a hot cup of cocoa and slipped on some boots and walked outside with Shadow following me to go to the restroom. I shivered a bit as I only had my sweater on so I held my mug close, sipping gingerly on the hot drink. The snow fell in the perfect thick, white, drifts that made people relish in those holiday pictures. It made the world quiet. I could hear Shadow crunching in the snow as he sniffed the fluff. It glittered like the clearest diamonds and allowed a unusual glow to be upon the earth. Almost unworldly. You couldn't see my previous outing as I looked to where I had thrown the penny. Regret settled in. Shadow suddenly took off into the woods barking at a imaginary foe or friend, tail wagging furiously.

"Shadow, come back here! You are going to be locked out if you don't!" I could here the echo of his bark bouncing off mutely from the snow covered earth. He sounded happy with whatever he thought he had found. I smiled and decided to let him be. He would come back when he wanted. I walked back inside and sat by the fire. I looked at the christmas tree and watched the lights twinkle off the ornaments. It was warm and cozy and I was tired. I found myself slowly beginning to doze. I slipped into sleep without another thought.

I awoke to the cries of my baby wanting to be held. I quickly got up and went into her room where she was standing with help from her crib. She cried harder at the sight of me, little and red faced. I swooped her up and smothered her with kisses as I went to my rocker and got her into a nursing position. A few moments later I realized I had forgotten about Shadow. I unlatched her from my breast much to her dismay and quickly walked to the front door while trying to console her. Why had Shadow not barked to be let in. Had I been in that deep of a sleep to not hear him. I felt guilt instantly as I opened the door expecting to see his happy face but he was not there. And there was no mark he had been as it had been snowing steadily and had already covered up our trail from earlier. I felt concern suddenly. I called out for him expecting to hear his bark but it continued to quietly snow with the eerie light shed upon the ground.

I went back in to get ready to go search outside. I got both me and my daughter dressed in full outside gear and got a bottle of milk ready for her so she would be happy. Then we headed out.

It was cold. Our cheeks and noses quickly turned red. The snow crunched underfoot as I called for Shadow while holding my little girl tight to me. The snow was falling lighter now and a small wind had picked up. I skirted the outside of the house with no luck. I did not see a trail and hear no reply to my calls. I went into the woods a bit but it was getting dark and it was to cold to stay out much longer with her. I felt a tear upon my cheek as the guilt overwhelmed me. This was not what I needed.

"Shadow, please. Where are you boy! Come to mommy! Please!" Suddenly a wind swirled about me and almost seemed to whisper into my ear causing my tears to be wiped from my face. And faintly I heard his bark in the woods! "Shadow! Shadow! Is that you! Please boy, come!" Then I could hear him more clearly on the wind and his barks were of the sounds of him playing. I hugged my girl tight as I did a little trot in the direction of his bark when I suddenly came upon his unmistakable paw prints in the snow.

I came upon a clearing where the snow had been flattened by Shadow running back and forth it seemed. He saw me and barked excitedly, his breath coming out in heavy puffs, visible upon the air. "Shadow! You scared me! What are you doing!? Come here!" He came running and happily gave my face a kiss as I leaned over to rub his head and take a quick glance upon his body for reassurance.

He was fine. I looked around. Nothing but him being a crazy dog. "Come on Shadow." I began to walk back towards the house and he followed. As we reached the edge of the clearance he barked and looked back as if waiting for someone.

"Shadow, crazy. There is nothing there!" I tugged his ear to follow and he came a bit reluctantly as a burst of wind swooped up the fresh snow past us and pushed us forward. I looked back and for a second I saw a shadow of a figure at the edge but when I went to look closer it turned into nothing but a mirage from the glare of the snow. Shadow was running forward and my girl began to cry for some warmth.

Once home Shadow acted like nothing happened as dogs tend to do. He laid down by the recliner and I set my girl down on the ground to play a little bit with some of her toys. Some moments later I picked her up and brought her to the tree. She soon became infatuated with the lights and began to babble at me in delight and tried to reach out for the ornaments that adorned it. "You want to watch some Home Alone? Huh? Huh? I think I do. Let's watch some Home Alone baby girl. Come snuggle with mommy."

Gathered in my arms after turning off the lights and sat down and turned on the TV. Shadow looked up at me and tilted his head with a little grunt in question. "What? What now?" He laid back down with a sigh and thumped his tail. Silly dog.

Half way through the movie she had fallen asleep again so I got up and put her in her crib. Shadow followed and observed. After making sure she wasn't going to stir I went back to living room where Shadow stood and stared at me wagging his tail and gave a little huff.

"Okay! But this time I am watching you, you stinker!" We walked together to the door where I let him out. He took a step outside and paused, sniffing the air. Then he barked once again acting like something was out in the yard. The snow had stopped and the eerie glow was a very faint orange now.

"You just want to bark at the wind don't you! Get back inside. I will not be chasing you into the snow again!" I grabbed his collar and pulled him in as I closed the door. I went back to sit in my chair but realized Shadow was still standing at the door. I could hear him whimpering.

"Shadow, what is the matter? You are not going out!" I could hear him lay down by the door. I shrugged to myself. The dog was acting crazier then usual.

I finished Home Alone and stretched my legs which made Shadow finally come from his spot by the door. I stood and yawned. I could hear the wind outside so I went to the window and saw snow being picked up by the wind and tossed around as if being played with by a invisible child. As I watched I thought about a moment where Benjamin would have taken me in his arms and pulled me close to watch the snow and it almost felt as if he was there, the memory was so strong. I suddenly whispered to the snow, "I wish you were here right now. Just tonight, once again in my arms." Almost as if it heard me the wind picked up and danced with the snow and landed on some of the lights on the porch. I sighed and decided to go to bed.

I checked on her one more time to be sure she was still asleep. Then I went back to my room and turned on my diffuser to help me sleep. Shadow came into the room and sat by the bed and watched me. As I undressed I looked outside one last time and noticed that it had begun to softly snow again. By this point we were going to be snowed in by tomorrow. Suddenly Shadow bounced up to the window, tail wagging furiously as he looked outside and began to huff in a excited manner like he knew someone. Then he began to bark. My eyes crossed the terrain outside at the edge of the forest as I tried to quiet Shadow. And then I saw it. A figure outside at the point where Shadow had ran earlier. My heart raced, as I went quickly to make sure the doors were locked. As I reached the front door, Shadow had beat me and was suddenly quiet, sitting eagerly as if he knew someone was outside the door waiting to be let in. I peaked outside to see....him.

My heart stopped. I felt my throat tighten and my lungs expel all the air within. I was frozen. Outside on the porch he stood...Benjamin. He had a fresh dusting of snow upon his dark hair and it clung to his shirt and jeans. The glow from the snow and christmas lights made it easy for my eye to perceive his classic smile. His bare arms twitched a little as the wind swept snow and swirled about him.

Shadow suddenly barked bringing me back to reality...that he was still there...outside in the cold. I opened the door sure that he would disappear into the snow. But as the door opened Shadow pushed through and barked happily to see his master, jumping up and down in pure joy. I felt a tear upon my face as I took one step towards him but found I could not go any further. He bent down and petted Shadow for a moment and then stood and took one large step towards me to finish the distance.

Tears were now fresh upon my fast and stung by the cold the touched them. He reached one hand forward and with his thumb wiped the tears from my face. I expected him to be cold but his hand was hot to the touch.

"Benja...how...Ben...I don't understand." I said this all between sobs that came freely now. My mind was muddled and confused. How could this be? How was he here? He pulled me into him and I clung to him for fear I was loosing my mind and he could ground me. The snow fell softly upon us and seemed to whisper with the wind as it touched us but it was something I couldn't understand. I could smell him. The unique smell that could only be him and felt his strong presence as his arms seemed to pull me tighter.