tagHumor & SatireSnow White and the Seven Dwarves

Snow White and the Seven Dwarves


Once upon a time in a land far, far away there lived a lovely girl called Snow White. Now when I say this girl was lovely, I mean she was bangin'! Just under six foot tall in her 5 inch stiletto hooker heels and legs that went all the way up... if you know what I mean. She had an ass that was so toned, she could crack walnuts between those butt cheeks. Her tits were the best D cup implants that Du Pont could offer and her waist was the result of many hours of hard work in the gym and flat on her back in the brothel where she worked. Her face was like something out of an eighteen year old boy's wildest wet dream. Long blonde hair framed a face with big brown eyes containing not a trace of innocence, and full lips that simply screamed that they were designed for sucking cock.

Her shifts at Mrs. Tiggywinkle's Love-Arama and Shag Palace paid for her coke habit. That's how she got her name... Snow White. Her real name was Ermitrude Finklestien but that was too much of a mouthful for a good Irish-Swedish-Russian-Somalian-German girl to be saddled with, especially a working girl. The racial mixture came from her mother who was Irish and the four suspect sailors who had been present around the time that Snow was conceived. To say her mother had been loose would be the understatement of the century; she had been down on everything except the Titanic and this was one of the many traits she had passed on to her baby daughter. From day one little Ermitrude had an oral fixation second to none. Anything that was dangled in her face was immediately popped into her hungry mouth. This of course made her a very popular girl in her teenage years and later made her a lot of cash in her career. Her 'No-Holes-Barred' attitude also made her popular in the pay for play industry.

Snow lived the high life when she wasn't bumping and grinding at Mrs. Tiggywinkle's. She drove a 7 Series BMW and lived in a plush condo overlooking the beach. She wore the finest clothes and drank only the best that Mr. Jack Daniels could offer. Her coke spoon was solid silver and her dildo was Waterford crystal. She was welcomed at the finest McDonalds and the Maitre D at Burger King was on a first name basis. She even had a gold card club membership at the Things That Go Buzz in the Night sex shop. Things, however, weren't all rosy for our little chippy. Snow was lonely. Sure she had her cat, a lovely white cat called Midnight, with three legs, one eye and a bladder problem which meant she needed a lot of paper towels and room deodoriser, but it just wasn't the same. She had a retarded Sulphur Crested Cockatoo with a very limited vocabulary named Hanns Schmidt and a gerbil called Lance Castor that she had rescued from certain doom from an escort outcall to a very strange and very large white supremacy advocate called Hymie. The gerbil stank and had a lot of very suspicious stains on its fur. It also got very twitchy whenever it got anywhere near a pair of human buttocks. They helped with the loneliness but it still wasn't the same. She longed for the company of a man.

She wasn't asking for much... just someone with all their own teeth, someone under 250lbs, someone with hair and someone with a brain. Oh... and he must have over 20 million in the bank, be totally subservient to his woman, and have a thick 12 inch cock which he could use to bring her to shuddering orgasm after shuddering orgasm. No, Snow really wasn't asking for much.

All she had to do was find this paragon of virtue. She sure as hell wasn't going to find him in Mrs. Tiggywinkle's was she? As we join our heroine she is contemplating just this very question... flat on her back being pounded mercilessly by Reverend Wigglesworth. He was one of her regulars who came in specifically to exorcise her demons, although she personally thought he came in to exercise his dong. He bellowed quotes from the bible as he ploughed in and out of her pussy and always finished by blessing her hairless furrow.

As Snow lay there and moaned dutifully at least once every 30 seconds she tried to figure out how she was going to meet the man of her dreams. He sure as hell wouldn't be lurking at her favourite night spot The Tattered Gusset. And the chances of him waltzing through the door of Mrs. Tiggywinkle's were about the same as George Bush winning the Nobel Peace Prize for sincerity.

"Oh Reverend! Chase those demons baby! I've been a bad girl and I need to be exorcised. Fill me with your holy seed!" The Reverend paid by the moan and tipped well if he thought she was actually repentant for her wicked ways. Stroking his ego was a service she offered for free; after all... it kept him coming back for more. "That's it... pound those demons out of me with your holy sceptre. Oh God... it's so big! I can feel it stretching me!" she moaned as she mentally went through her shopping list for her trip to the supermarket after work.

"I must remember to pick up some bacon," she thought as the Reverend's fat belly slapped against her toned body on every lunge. "Oh, and some cottage cheese too," she thought as she gripped his flabby ass to pull him against her.

Finally the time of redemption had arrived. "Out damned foul spirit! Out I command you! Leave this innocent child!" The Reverend's mantra never varied and Snow knew it so well by now that she mouthed it over his shoulder as he bellowed in her ear and slobbered on her shoulder as he came. Then her cries of passion joined his as she shuddered to her 'climax' just seconds after him. Mentally she was already preparing herself for her next client. Compared to her next client the Reverend was almost normal. The good Reverend collapsed onto her heaving breasts and he lay there panting and gasping in the aftermath of his orgasm.

Snow waited a few moments to let the poor Reverend get his breath back before wriggling her hips to let him know he was squashing her. Dutifully he rolled off and Snow sat up, modestly covering her impressive bosom with her forearm.

"Goodness Reverend, I think it's really worked this time," she exclaimed in her best innocent little hooker lost voice. "I feel... cleansed somehow; as if all the wickedness has gone from me." She felt 'cleansed' at least once a week... twice if the good padre had a particularly good week with the offering plate on Sunday. Snow hopped to her feet and pranced around excitedly to show the good Reverend just how redeemed she was. Surely no evil could lurk in the young and innocent, yet totally stacked lascivious woman dancing in front of him?

As the drained man of the cloth dressed he kept up a monologue extolling the virtues of the local order of nuns: The Sisters of the Immaculate Reception. (They had a quite lucrative thing going on the side providing topless waitresses and barmaids for wedding parties.) His fondest wish was to sponsor Snow into the order where he could more closely monitor her progress in fighting the demons she was constantly at war with. He also fancied the idea of a threesome with Snow and the Mother Superior, who had the most humongous set of breasticles he had ever seen. Snow ignored the rantings of the Rev and got on with the business of getting herself and the room ready for her next client. By the time the Reverend had finished dressing and had run out of steam in his sermonising, Snow had the room looking as good as a suite in the Holiday Inn. She knew it looked as good as a suite at the Holiday Inn because she had spent quite a lot of time in the course of her career inspecting the ceilings of said suites. Actually she was fairly familiar with the ceilings of many local hotels. The Reverend tipped her quite generously and left promising he would check up on her progress in a few days. Looking at her watch our heroine discovered that she had a few minutes up her sleeve before the arrival of her next client. With a sigh she sat down on the bed and reflected on her loneliness. Where could she meet the man of her dreams?

There was always The Spinning Wheel... but she'd heard tales of very unscrupulous types operating out of the Spinning Wheel. She sighed and resigned herself to the belief that her Prince Charming probably wasn't out there.

"Snow? You ready for Mr. Smith, baby?" The voice of Mrs. Tiggywinkle drifted melodically through the intercom startling Snow out of her reverie. She sighed again.

"Yep... send him in." She stood and put on her game face. This guy was another regular and really hard work.

There was a timid knock at the door and she walked over to open it. Mr. Smith was standing there dressed in his normal brothel going costume of six inch stilettos, fishnet stockings, leather mini skirt, push up bra and see thru net top. She knew that under the mini skirt he wore a crotchless black lace G-string that his small and hairy ball bag and cock drooped through. He wore the same clothes every visit and from the way they smelled every week, Snow wasn't sure if he ever washed them... in fact she wasn't sure if he ever took them off.

"Get your skinny ass in here you worthless piece of wormshit! How dare you keep me waiting!?" She found it easy to slip into the dominatrix persona with Mr. Smith. He had all the strength of a box full of wet toilet paper. Snow knew she should keep her feelings for her clients on an impersonal level but it was hard with Mr. Smith. During the week he was the manager of a large security firm specialising in providing bodyguards for the rich and shameless. One of her good friends worked for him and had told her that in the work place he was a cruel vindictive little man who abused his power without shame. Snow felt good to be able to turn the tables on him in his hours of leisure, making him suffer as much as possible and getting paid quite handsomely for it.

"I'm so sorry my love," he whined as he scuttled through the door shutting it behind him. He gazed at her adoringly through small piggy eyes that constantly seemed to be watering. "May I ask what you have planned for me today my sweet?"

Snow was fully prepared for Smith. "First you can fold my laundry, then when you're finished you can give me a pedicure. After that if you're very lucky, I'll whip your worthless ass. I might even let you cum this time. Get folding scum." Smith nodded frantically and launched himself into his work with enthusiasm. Snow sighed as she settled back onto the bed and opened her book and began to read. Our little Snow always had a self help book close at hand. She was on a constant quest to find ways to improve herself. The current volume was entitled 'Whippings and Spankings; The Advanced Methodology.'

The session with Mr. Smith went quickly and it wasn't long before Snow was seeing him to the door still panting from his little orgasm which she had allowed him after he begged nicely and polished her shoes with his tongue. Her shift was finally over and she could now go out into the world and search out that perfect man. Right after she picked up her weekly Coke supply from her dealer, The Snowman.

It was with a mixture of anticipation and trepidation that she drove her BMW to the seedy part of town that The Snowman called home. She had a special deal going with The Snowman. Snow got top grade coke at half the going rate from her dealer in return for a top grade blowjob. Now for a girl of Snow's obvious skills and occupational attributes this mightn't seem like a bad deal. The trouble was The Snowman had enormous staying power and was hung like a donkey. Snow was starting to think that it might be easier on her poor abused jaw muscles to just pay the going rate and forego the obligatory blowjob.

Ten minutes later she was on her knees in front of the moaning Snowman as he fed her his immense cock. The one saving grace in this onerous task was the size of The Snowman's belly. It was in direct proportion to his humongous cock. The constant bouncing of The Snowman's massive mono-ab on poor little Snow's forehead took her mind of the slab of meat tickling her tonsils and stopped her from having to look at his hideous face. Yes it could be said that The Snowman hadn't been blessed by nature. It looked like he had fallen out of the ugly tree and had made severe facial contact with every branch on the way to the dirt and rumour also had it that his mother used to use his face as a mould for gorilla biscuits. So while she sucked on Snowman's third leg, our heroine turned her mind back to the problem at hand. Where to find a man. As she slurped and slobbered the options ticked over in her mind. From where she knelt, her best options seemed to be joining a club or advertising on the internet. She was composing her advertisement in her mind when The Snowman erupted in her mouth taking her completely by surprise! Thankfully his load didn't match his other proportions, a mere dribble trickled onto Snow's agile tongue but it was part of the job to make a big deal of his 'huge' emission so with a great deal of theatrical swallowing and gagging she dealt with the teaspoon full of semen before sitting back on her heels and looking up into his Quasimodo like face.

"Good girl. Here ya go Snow." He passed her the bag containing her week's supply of Coke, pocketing the small handful of bills she handed him in return. As she was dusting off her knees and getting ready to go she had a minor brain wave. She'd ask The Snowman if he knew where she could meet the man of her dreams!

"Snowman where can I meet the man of my dreams?"

"Honey that definitely depends on what sort of dreams you have," The Snowman replied as he waddled over to a chair and sat, his cock still hanging un-noticed from his fly. "Have you tried The Spinning Wheel? Great décor, good music and the prices are reasonable, but I've heard that there are a lot of pricks at The Spinning Wheel. Not for you? Ok... there is a new place on 5th called Defiant's House of Blues Rib Shack and Tittie Bar. I know it sounds seedy but that place rocks. There's a damned good band playing there tonight... Buster Hymen and the Penetrators. Buster's a personal friend of mine. They seem to be attracting a better class of pervert than any other place in town... you might want to try there."

"Thanks Snowman. You're a doll... I might actually go there tonight."

"I'll call and have your name put on the guest list hon. Now get going and I'll see you same time next week." She left him there stroking his mono-ab and wondering why he could feel a breeze on his cock which he hadn't seen for over three years.

Excitedly Snow drove home to get ready for her night on the town. The more she thought about Defiant's House of Blue's, the more she thought it might just be the place for her. As she raced home she was planning what to wear for her evening out.

An hour later she was climbing dripping wet from her spa bath. One good thing about her line of work was that she could afford to indulge her whims and a good spa bath was definitely a luxury she couldn't do without. The only down side to her spa bath was the fact that she couldn't have a bubble bath without the bubbles migrating from the tub and ending up knee deep on her bathroom floor. Maybe next time she'd try it without turning on the water jets in the tub. As she dried herself, applied her make up and did her hair she fantasised about what sort of man she wanted. Tall... he'd have to be tall. At least 6 foot tall, and built. She wasn't going to settle for anything less than a Greek god physique. He'd have to be funny, charming and outgoing. She wanted someone intelligent. Not brain surgeon intelligent but someone who could at least spell his own name without having to refer to a name badge. Loaded... he'd have to be loaded. Lot's of lovely money so he could take her places and buy her things... and so she could give up her shifts at Mrs. Tiggywinkle's. Finally he had to have a three pound cock. Yes she wasn't asking for much.

She decided to dress conservatively which was quite a mission for our heroine. It took an hour before she settled on her ensemble for the night and as she looked at herself in the mirror she thought she looked quite edible. The sheer blue midriff top set off her eyes and more importantly completely covered but didn't hide the sheer blue bra which in turn highlighted her permanently erect nipples. She had changed her navel jewellery and was wearing her favourite; an arrow on a chain that subtly directed the gaze down towards her crotch. A heavily pleated black micro mini skirt made of some gossamer sheer material clung to her hips giving tantalizing glimpses of the black g-string that rode on her hips higher than the waistband of the skirt. A pair of patterned thigh high stockings clung to her long smooth shapely legs and ended just below her shapely shaved pussy. Finally a pair of soft black leather boots with four inch stiletto heels that came to mid thigh rounded out her conservative ensemble. Looking at herself in the mirror she pirouetted, smiling at the way her diaphanous skirt floated up exposing her hot tight ass. The sit down test came next. Snow found that she could sit down without showing off all of her charms if she gave the task her complete attention. She was nearly ready. Quickly she laid out a couple of lines on her little mirror took out her ready rolled $110 bill and snorted her dinner. Now she was ready.

Twenty minutes later she was pulling up to the valet parking area outside the luxurious façade of Defiant's House of Blues Rib Shack and Tittie Bar. Her arrival sparked a minor riot among the valet parking attendants as they fought to have the honour of opening her door and peeping up her skirt. Finally the battle was over and a bruised, battered and bloodied valet staggered to her door.

"Welcome to Defiant's Ma'am," he lisped through torn lips and a mouthful of broken teeth as he opened the door and positioned himself for a look up her skirt. He wasn't disappointed. She swung her long legs wide as she exited the BMW and for a couple of seconds the battered valet had a great view of the Promised Land. Gathering herself Snow took two deep breaths which had the effect of calming her but unfortunately for the valet also had the effect of popping one of the buttons on her top. The valet howled in pain as the offending button hit him directly in the un-blackened eye. This distracted him enough to cause him to slam her car door shut... with his fingers still wrapped around the door pillar. His strangled scream of pain followed her all the way to the door of the club where she came face to face with the biggest bouncer she'd ever seen.

Tilting her head back to look up at him she said, "Hello I'm Snow. A friend of mine put my name on the guest list."

"I'm sure he did sweetie. My aren't you a pretty little thing. Now just you wait while I check my little list." Opening a folder he ran his finger down a column of names until he came to Snow's name. "Ooh here it is. Snow White. You go on in dear and have loads of fun. If you have any problems with the nasty men in there you just call me. My name's Beej which is short for BJ my nickname. Don't ask how I got it dear but it was fun earning it... and tasty too." His grin was a wonder to behold and Snow reached up to give him a quick kiss on the cheek before skipping on into the club. As she went Beej muttered to himself, "That's almost enough woman to make me switch to girls."

The interior of the bar was as plush and luxurious as the exterior. The music was at a level where you could still hear yourself think and the lighting while low, wasn't gloomy. There were booths scattered around the outside of the room and tables radiating out from the perimeter of the booths. A small stage was set up to the right of the bar with a small dance floor in front. Although it was only just after nine o'clock the place was quite busy. Time for a drink. As she bellied up to the bar she was greeted by a well groomed young barman with slicked back hair and his shirt tied below his breastbone leaving his washboard stomach bare. His trousers were so tight that Snow could immediately tell that he wasn't Jewish.

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bykiwiwolf© 8 comments/ 40322 views/ 14 favorites

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