Solo 01

Solo 01

"(Crackle), waah, tele, meh, reg, waah, whoop, icy, ow, waah, gar, whop, Solo (squeak)?"

"Leo wants the spicey fries and I'll have the regular fries, Connie."

"(Crackle), waah, tele, spice, reg, waah, whoop, ow, waah, gar, whap (squeak)?"

"Well, thanks Connie, but I'm not ready to be Leo's spicey little French fries just yet. Um, Connie, will Luci the roller-skating server want to borrow my Ripe Red Raspberry lip gloss when she brings our food then, hmm?"

"(Crackle), waah, sis, fem, stupid, waah, boy, flappy, lips, ow, waah, whoop, whap, Solo (squeak)!"

Well, that was rude of Connie the order taker at the roller-skating service drive-in root beer diner!

Anyways, hi, they call me Solo because of one of my skills from way back in the day was for how low I could go under a Limbo Bar, which is when and how the chant "so low" came to be, but it's ridiculous to think that I'm still called Solo because I mostly ride life alone and mostly to other things solo. I have a few friends and I'm pretty much accepted down at the Devil's Den, so I'm not solo all the time.

I mean, sometimes the crew at the Devil's Den gets hungry and one of my other skills is being one of the few people in Middleton who can order and understand the crackled verbal interaction through the funky drive-in ordering menus, but it keeps me in the loop, so I'm okay with that.

Um, I suppose I dress a little more on the conservative side than the revealing side, but there have been a few occasions where the crew would have gotten quite the eyeful if any of the fags, I mean, idiot guys would surprise reveal me with a "quick unzip" of my warm suits pranks, but I seem have won all of those dares so far, not that the fags, I mean, idiots knew what was waiting to be revealed. Which I may or may not get into more later when I speak of my "abstract sketching" skills.

Anyways, I'm not a queer prude, but I'm not all that outgoing either, so I guess I dress and behave like I live in the middle of the street, solo, LOL.

Now, I lived by the playbook rule which clearly states that you never get into a car alone with a guy that you don't know well, but having wormed my way into the crew down at the Devil's Den, well, I've come to know a few of them and because I can clearly speak the "unreasonable drive-in dinner microphone" lingo for the local roller skate service root beer drive-in dinner, well, they are not dates, but I am popular as the host when the crew gets hungry.

Also, I think Leo likes it because when he drives us in his SUV, I have to get on all fours across the front seat of his SUV and place our order. Which so far, hasn't been more than playful, so I don't lure others to come along for the ride, but I don't argue with anyone either.

"I'll sit in the back, Perri."

"Hah, like Leo will let that happen. He would rather go hungry than to miss the opportunity for you to crawl doggie across his SUV's front seat so you can speak funky Alien into the funky speaker, so. You know he's hoping for the day when your head just drops down, right Solo? And by head, I mean your mouth, so?"

"Hush with all that, Perri. And improve the angle of your phone camera from the back seat. Apparently, I look pretty good on all fours, according to the lurkers on Chang, so."

Oh, also folks, nope, not that, not yet anyways. But I have mastered that doggie crawl across Leo's front seat of his SUV. And it wouldn't hurt for Perri to master her camera skills either, so.

[Doggie position crawl across the front seat]

"(Crackle), waah, waah, waah, freak, dis, woo, lute, crack, whop (squeak)?"

"Connie, for the last time, ick, but the dishwasher can do whatever he wants to with my used root beer straw that has my left-over lip gloss on it. Anyways, four root beers while we wait for the 12 burger meals "to go", Connie."

"(Crackle), whop, waah, whop, whoop, woo, holla, flute, Solo (squeak)?"

"Ugh, Connie, you're impossible! People can hear us over this ridiculous loud speaker, so."

"Ahh, Solo, translation????"

"Leo, well, Connie, well, she likes to keep tabs on my drive-in food "date" from the Devil's Den and she wants to know if I ever slip from this position and you know, accidently swipe my lips across yours, so."

"(Crackle), waah, tele, kiss, waah, zip, beep, beep, bop, wop, hop, waah, woo, whop, Solo (squeak)!"

"Connie!"

"(Crackle), waah, whoop, meh, waah, ugh, woo, holla, whop, ugh, ugh, ooh, Leo (squeak)!"

"Um, translation, Solo?"

"Ugh, Leo, you can say "yea baby" into the microphone with an exclamation point, but Leo, you are not getting a blow job from me tonight!"

Oh, oh, so now Leo can handle speaking into the funky microphone!

"Yea baby!"

"(Crackle), waah, woot, hoot, conn, waah, whoop, ooh, ow, waah, woo, whop, Solo (squeak)?"

"Um, ooh, Connie, Perri is in the back seat, um, ooh, she's here, Connie, so, um."

Well, Perri was busy with Peter in the rear seat, so.

"Ow, uhf, uhf, ow, ow, ooh, uhf, uhf, oomph, oh, slap, slurp, slap, slurp, oomph, oomph, oomph."

"Oh, oh, oh, aha, aha, aha, Perri, Perri, Perri, oh, oh, ooh, ooh, aha, aha, slurp my root beer."

Well, Perri might have been busy, but I wasn't going to be enticed, so.

[Roller skate it, I mean, roller skate to Leo's SUV]

"Alright you guys, four root beers while you wait for your food and one quick photo [snap] of Perri getting with it in the back seat and one quick photo [snap] of Solo not getting with it in the front seat and one quick [squeeze] boner check to make that the very handsome Leo is ready to get with it with Solo and one straw for Solo, who needs a straw because our root beer mugs are to heavy for him to lift then. And for our nasty ass freaky dishwasher."

Well, I was still on all fours across the front seat, so.

"(Crackle), waah, tele, bang, open, wide, waah, whoop, ooh, ow, waah, woo, whop, Solo (squeak)?"

"Connie! Luci can not bang my mouth with the straw to get the party started early! Even though my mouth is basically in a perfect position for that, but still, Keith will have to wait!"

[Roller skate away from Leo's SUV]

"(Gulp.) What, huh, did I hear my sister's oddly muffled voice then, Solo? SOB! Is your head down on Leo's lap then, Solo?"

[Springboard!]

"Huh, what? No, I mean, shut it, Perri and go talk to your sister and don't even come back with a banana! The diner needs them for their banana splits, so!"

"LOL, which is not what you said when I stuck a banana in my shorts zipper and dared you to practice! Not to mention how you personally curved it to your kneeling advantage!"

"(Crackle), waah, suck, bang, woot, ug, ug, ug, whoop, video, ow, waah, woot, gulp, Solo (squeak)!"

"Oh, sis, you should have heard Solo whimper when I handled his pigtails while he peeling the banana right out of my shorts!"

"(Crackle), waah, ug, ug, dishwasher, ug, lost, ug, whoop, mess, ow, waah, woot, (squeak)!"

Stupid unreasonably functioning menu microphones that weren't turned off!

Anyways, tee, he, moving on folks because well, that was embarrassing, so, hey, my other skill, right? Abstract sketching's.

"Solo, this is nothing like you explained to me last night down at the Devil's Den!"

"Wayne, I told you that I stopped wearing double undies a while back. I am who I am and I have a boy bulge and I'm not afraid or a shamed of that and I own it, so I don't know what the big deal is then! And I own my heaven's blessed hair too, but that seems to be getting off track, so."

"Oh, Solo, I meant this sketch. This sketch and your verbal description don't match. Also, this sketch, um, who drew this sketch then, Solo?"

"I drew the sketch, Wayne. And it's exactly the same as I explained to you verbally! See, it's a small floor cabinet for the small bathroom in my house and it has this thingy and that thingy and most importantly, it has this thingy type of facing finish on the sides and on the drawers, so it's exactly as I explained it last night then."

"Alright, Solo, let's start fresh. And don't get mad at me and my home goods skills for pointing out a couple of errors, which are why you cannot find the style of stand-alone cabinet that you're looking for, so I'm going to need to hear you say that, Solo, so?"

"Jeez, Wayne, I bow to your home goods skills and knowledge and woo, woo, so? Also, I never really did anything with Leo, so."

"Alright, first of all, you live on the wrong planet if you think you're going to find a cabinet available in Ripe Red Raspberry and I'm pretty sure that your part time roomie, Perri, will second that motion, so, say it, Solo."

"Jeez, white will be fine then, Wayne, so what were my next mistakes? And you would be happy to be stranded with me on another planet! But go on, Wayne."

"Alright, here is your biggest search engine mistake, Solo and my story is that your mind was fuzzing from thinking of me and your typing got a little cloudy. And your next error was the style you're looking for versus what you sketched, meaning you need me and my home goods skills in your bed, I mean, in your life, so?"

"Fine, Wayne, woo, woo, please enlighten me as to the errors of my ways and I promise to not lock you outside of other planet living quarters thingy, woo, woo, so?"

"Okay, Solo, working backwards, what you want and sketched is called "tongue and groove", but what you thought it's called is "clapboard" and then you thought of me smashing you face down into your bed and then you mistakenly typed in "fap board" into your search engine because I have that effect on you (and your body). Also "tongue and groove" is a standard facing finish and widely available."

"Oh, oh snap! Well, that explains a lot, Wayne! Especially why there were always 1,293 "live" service attendants readily available to help me with my "fap board" online search! And pleasure!"

[Wayne adjusts search wording on laptop. After eyeballing a few "live" service attendant reps]

"Ta da, here you go, Solo, about 1,293 cabinets to choose from and wouldn't you know it, not one of them comes in Ripe Red Raspberry, but the white looks nice, right? With a stylish "tongue and groove" finish, not to flex my home goods skills muscle or anything. Also, huh, there are still 1,293 "live" service attendants who are eager to help you find just the right "tongue and groove" style too, so, huh then."

"Well, I do like these selections, so let me look a few of them over then, Wayne."

"And back to your sketch then, Solo. You have this kind artistic talent then, Solo?"

"Um, sketching pencils in my hand and my brain have always had a good connection, Wayne, so?"

"Huh, you're really good at that connection then, Solo. Anyways, review a few of the available cabinets and I'll just pretend to not flip through the rest of your sketch pad then. Not that I am looking for any sketches of your part time roomie, Perri or anything."

Well, Wayne tricked me with all that.

"Solo...."

"Shut it, Wayne, it's an artistic rendering of Perri, that's all."

"Oh, I stole that, I mean, I saw that, so, what are these other sketches, which are colorized and more like a painting then, Solo?"

"I mean, Wayne, that's just a abstract sketching of some hot random Trap, that I made up in my mind, in red infused blonde pigtails who is wearing sheer salmon color tights with darker French hipster undies that are slightly visible through the sheer tights because he knows he has a boy bulge and he owns it and he's in an alley leaning up against the parking pipe thingy while wearing a tube top that houses his small falsie breast fillers and with matching sheer Salmon colored sleeves and clear acrylic plastic platform heels, that's all. And his tube top isn't quite as transparent as I sketched it, but the breast filler nipples would be that pronounced, so just some random make believe, yet desirable Trap, that's all, so?"

"Huh."

Sorry my people, but Salmon just isn't my color, so don't expect me to be seen is such an outfit, but my randomly made-up Trap really owns it, right?

"Huh."

"Well, thanks for figuring out my "clapboard" versus "fap board" ordering issues, Wayne. I already tapped the "buy now" tab, so?"

"Huh, the alley parking pipe thingy, Solo, I mean, maybe all alley loading dock protective parking pipes are painted with the same orange and white stripes and maybe all alley parking pipes look the same, but these look exactly like the loading dock protectors in the alley behind Main Street, right? Or huh then."

Well, "huh x 12" later and Wayne finally left my house. Or he kept flipping through my very personal and private sketch pad until he found the "huh" that he was looking for, I guess.

"Huh, so, stuffed under the last page of your sketch pad then, Solo, um, huh then, hmm?"

I may or may not have had an actual photo of a terrible real-life recreation of my sketch stuffed under the last page, I mean, it could happen!

But with Electric Discharge Blue tights with a really nice waistband because I already said that Salmon is not my color! And there may have been more than one photo from the alley photo shoot, so.

"Solo, is there where I play the black mail card after finding theses photos so that you sex on me then?"

"Wayne, nice try, but I think we both know that everyone knows almost everything there is to know about me because I own it, so black mail me for what? Or this is where I play the simple logic card for short, so?"

"Solo...."

"Nope. I will not get into a car alone with you, Wayne! [Head shakes.] Sorry, I didn't mean to just blurt that out, but it's just that they really drive that into your head when studying the playbook and it's on like page one, so."

"Solo..."

"Wayne, stop, photo shoot outfits are one thing and hanging out at the Devil's Den is another thing and photo shoot outfits are 100% another other thing, so stop, Wayne."

"Solo, listen, we can go on a date away from the Devil's Den, so?"

"Oh, way to start things out, Wayne. I mean, let's go out and be sure to avoid any places where people know both of us, woo, woo. I own it, Wayne!"

LOL, pause for Wayne to think of Plan B, right?

"(Damn, Plan B is too gay and Plan C is way too gay, so, ah-hah, Plan D!) Solo..."

"Probably not, Wayne, but let's hear what your brain came up with then, shall we, hmm?"

"Solo, fine, you speak Alien unreasonable menu speaker talk, we'll go up to the roller skate place and you know, you can crawl across my front seat and, um, talk to the funky speaker then, alright, Solo?"

Nope, nope, nope!

End Solo 01