by Nightwork1
You've got the ability to string together sentences, and while this was a rough piece, it had promise. Biggest problem is that a sex story focuses on that, and not the layout of the house, who is asleep, and whether stepdad is horny (unless you're going to do something about that in THIS story).
Take the same word count and flip content: make the number of words in all the leadup paragraphs explicit, and use the word count of the two paragraphs at the end for setup.
" it was a ridiculous sixteen inches long and probably four inches wide at its widest point."
.. and that's when I stopped reading.
do you have any idea how wide 4 inches is?
It completely broke the immersion and made the story insanely unrealistic