Spellman Ch. 21

Saturday, August 10th, 2013

I slept until the sun woke me, its warm rays shining through the blinds and summoning me from my slumber. Without opening my eyes, I rolled over and moved to pull Amanda closer to me. When all I found on the other side of the bed was a spare pillow and empty blankets, I was shocked fully awake. Disoriented, it took me a moment to remember that I was alone. That I had been alone now for months. Even after all this time, though I didn't consciously think of her as much anymore, my subconscious still yearned for her. The woman I had loved so deeply and for so long.

Plenty of people had told me that they didn't actually like sharing a bed, but it was one of my favorite things about being in a long-term relationship. For years, I'd wake up after sleeping in on the weekend and roll over to cuddle with Amanda, enjoying the warmth of her body against mine, savoring her smooth skin, and gently exploring her feminine form until she woke up as well. More than any of the physical aspects, I loved waking up knowing that I had someone who was with me. Who would always be with me, every morning for the rest of my life. Or so I had thought.

We rarely had morning sex--though it did happen on occasion--but I always loved those quiet, intimate moments we shared on those lazy mornings. Sometimes we'd stay in bed for over an hour together, not saying a word, just luxuriating in the experience of being together.

I imagined what it would be like to wake up and share something like that with Cece. How would it feel to run my hand along her bare leg, or to feel her beguiling backside pressed up against me as we spooned? To breath in the scent of her red mane as I kissed her neck?

I just lay in bed for a while, unmoving, until my body started to make some protests about its soon-to-be urgent needs. With a groan, I rolled over and grabbed my phone from the bedside table. Almost ten. I didn't want to be overeager and text her too quickly after our first date, but Cece and I had gone to the gym together on Saturday afternoons the past couple of weeks and I wasn't sure if she was expecting it again today.

I had a fantastic time with you last night. We never talked about it, but were you planning on going to the gym this afternoon/planning on me picking you up?

I closed my eyes and lay back in bed while I waited for her response. It didn't take long.

I had a fantastic time, too. I think I'm going to skip today. I'll see you Monday though?

Monday it is.

Skipping the gym this afternoon actually sounded pretty good to me. I rolled out of bed and handled my morning business in the bathroom before making my way to the kitchen for breakfast. Grabbing the ingredients out of the fridge, I made myself a breakfast sandwich with bacon, egg, and cheese.

Halfway through my sandwich my phone buzzed with a text from Melissa.

Hey, you still up for our "date" this afternoon?

I really don't think calling a trip to the clinic for an STD test a "date" is going to set a good precedent for you.

Haha. Fine. You still in though?

Yeah. What time? And is Tori coming?

How about I come pick you up at 1? It's on the way. T isn't coming, she's got Anthony this afternoon so they're going to Legoland.

Fun. I haven't been since it first opened.

I've never been.

I don't think it has a lot for non-kids unless you're a super Lego nerd. Definitely great for a boy Anthony's age though.

So pick you up at 1?

Yeah, sounds good.

I finished up my breakfast then cleaned up the kitchen a bit. Realizing I still had a couple hours to kill, I decided to go for a quick run and then shower before Melissa showed up at one. Going on regular runs in the neighborhood had led to me recognizing a few different people on my route. I waved to the old couple who were always sitting out on their front porch, smoking cigarettes and playing cards together. I had removed my shirt halfway through the run, so it was a little awkward when I ran by a woman I recognized from the school pickup line working out in her garden. She gave me a smile and a wave, which I returned.

When I made it back to my apartment I threw my sweaty clothes into the hamper and hopped into the shower. Truly, hot showers were one of the greatest inventions of all time. I took my time, letting my mind wander as the water rained down on me.

My date with Cece last night had been great. I was very glad that she wanted to have a second. The only problem was that I had no idea how long I was supposed to wait before bringing it up. I didn't want to seem overeager, and I didn't want to make her think I wasn't interested. I also knew that I needed to rein myself in from immediately trying to turn what we had going into a serious relationship. Even after just one date I was feeling the tug to make things official, for her to be my girlfriend, for us to be an exclusive couple.

Was that really so bad? Everyone else seemed to think so. I just wasn't sure how Cece felt, and she was the one person I couldn't really talk to about it. Intellectually I knew I wasn't ready to jump back into anything serious. I was still rebounding--recovering, healing, whatever you wanted to call it--from my breakup with Amanda. It wouldn't be fair to me or to Cece to try that right now.

But I had to move on eventually, right? How long, or how many casual encounters, did it take for me to be past the "rebound" stage? Maybe if I just took things slowly with Cece, I'd get to a place where I was ready to be serious again.

I didn't want to go too slowly, though. I was incredibly attracted to her, and even though up to this point all we'd done was kiss, I was ready for more. It was a fine line to walk. Part of me felt guilty for being further along, at least physically, with a number of other girls than I was with Cece, but the other part didn't want to just rush into sex with her. Well, obviously I'd like to have sex with her, but I also wanted to build a foundation for a relationship that was about more than just sex.

All of these thoughts about Cece and sex started to have an effect on me, so I had to deal with that. Luckily I have a very good imagination. The feeling of holding Cece close to me at the concert and the memory of our kiss goodnight served as more than adequate inspiration for me to address the problem that had come up.

Melissa arrived shortly after I finished my shower and got dressed. She texted me to let me know that she was outside, so I grabbed my wallet and keys and went to join her.

"Hey," she said as I climbed into the passenger seat of her car.

"Thanks for the ride."

"That's what she said," Melissa said with a grin.

"Just drive, silly girl."

She pulled out of the parking lot and took off towards the clinic. "So, am I allowed to ask how your date went?"

"Why wouldn't you be?"

"I don't know. Thought you might think it was awkward."

"Maybe a little, but it's fine. If you really want to know I don't have a problem talking to you about it."

"Okay, so tell me about it."

I gave her an overview of the date, as well as a good review of the concert.

"Did you end up back at your place or hers?" Melissa asked.

"Uh, neither? I dropped her off at her house. We kissed goodnight, that was it."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Why is that so surprising? It was our first date."

"We've slept together a few times now and we haven't even been on one date. I just figured you would want to have sex with the girl. She's hot."

"I do want to have sex with her, but I also want to take things slowly. We'll get there, eventually, if things continue to go well."

Melissa was quiet for a minute, probably turning that over in her head. She seemed focused on driving, but she bit her lip in what I'd come to recognize as her "thinking face." After another minute or so, she sighed and shook her head, dispelling the silence.

"Do you think I'm a slut?" she asked me.

"What? No, of course not. Why would you ask that?"

"I don't know. You didn't really seem concerned about taking things slowly with me."

"Seriously? Melissa, you're the one who said you wanted to keep things casual."

"I do."

"So then why does this matter? Are you jealous of Cece or something?"

"I don't know, maybe a little."

I groaned. "Please don't do this to me, Melissa. I can't handle these kind of head games. I only asked Cece out because you said you weren't interested in anything serious. If you had expressed any interest I would have asked you out before I ever got to that point with her."

"It's not that I'm not interested, Ryan. You know that I am. I'm just not ready for that. I still don't think you are, either."

"Look, I told you, I'm taking things slowly with Cece. We haven't talked about it, but I think that's what she wants, too. I like all of the romantic bits of dating, though. That's just who I am. Obviously I enjoy all of the physical things you and I do together, but I'm never going to be the kind of guy who is satisfied with just that."

"Ugh, why do you have to be such a chick about this stuff?"

"Woah, what the fuck, Melissa?" I said, doing my best to not let my temper get out of control. She had never spoken to me like this before, and I really didn't like it. I took a deep breath to calm myself while I waited for her response.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean that."

"So then what did you mean?"

"I just...yes, I'm jealous, okay? I like you, a lot. I'm just really not ready for anything more than what we have. I want you to be okay with that, for right now, at least. Maybe it's selfish of me. I'm just worried that you're going to move on to something serious with Cece before I'm ready, and I'm going to lose my chance. I love that you're a romantic guy who takes relationships seriously, but sometimes I wish that you were more of a typical ass of a man who just wanted sex. Until I'm ready for you to be more than that."

"Melissa, that's not fair."

She swallowed, sniffling a bit and clenching her jaw as she fought back tears. "I know it's not. I'm sorry. I told you, I'm even more of a mess than you are. Troy cheating on me really, really fucked me up. I've been trying to get past it, but it's hard."

"If it's just about being worried that I'd do that to you-"

"It's not that. I know you're not a cheater. At least, I know that in my head. But my body...I can't even explain it well. My therapist said that I've basically got PTSD from what he did. The anxiety of it, it's literally a physical response. When I even think about getting back into a relationship, about making myself vulnerable to someone like that again, I get..."

She trailed off, but I could see that even just talking about this was having a physical effect on her. "It's okay, Melissa." I reached out and rubbed her arm. She took a deep breath to calm herself.

Laughing, she wiped away the tears that had started to form in her eyes. "See? I'm all sorts of fucked up."

"I wish I could help you get over this, but I know it's not that easy."

She shook her head. "It's not."

"Cece and I aren't a couple yet. It's not like I'm going to go and ask her to be my girlfriend tomorrow," I said. "But I'm going to keep moving forward, Melissa. I can't just stay in neutral forever. I don't know if Cece and I will work out long term. Odds are that we won't, but just like you need to do what works for you, I need to do what works for me. I can't change who I am."

I took a breath, trying to figure out the best way to phrase things. "Sure, these last few months have been a big shakeup for me, but deep down I'm still the same person who was expecting to be married by now. I really don't like being alone. Maybe that's something a therapist would say that I need to work on, that I need to be okay being on my own, but I don't want to. I want someone to share my life with. I want someone to wake up next to every morning."

"I get it," Melissa said, nodding. "I do. I want that too...someday. But I'm not ready, not right now."

"I can't promise to wait around and just be happy with being friends with benefits until you are."

"I know you can't." We pulled up to the clinic. Melissa parked the car but didn't move to get out. "I'm sorry. I know it wasn't fair of me to bring all of this up right now."

"It's okay. I get where you're coming from. Nothing has to change for us right now...but it might not be that way forever. I'm not saying that to put any pressure on you. You have to take things at your own pace. But it's how things go, sometimes." I reached over and grabbed her hand, trying to reassure her. She squeezed my hand back but turned away to look out her window.

"Yeah," she said after a few moments, turning back to look at me. She wiped her eyes again. "Well, that was a fun conversation. Now that we're done with that, let's go get some tests done so you can keep fucking me without a condom in the way."

I facepalmed, laughing into my hands. "Oh my god, Melissa."

She laughed right along with me.

We got out of the car and walked into the clinic. The waiting room was empty, so Melissa walked up to the desk. She returned a minute later with two clipboards, one of which she handed to me.

I filled out the intake forms and answered the questions about my medical and sexual history. It felt very odd to answer the question about my number of sexual partners in the last year with "seven." Amanda, Riley, Tessa, Tori, Melissa, Serenity, Tiffany. Holy shit dude, keep it in your pants. No wonder you're here getting tested. I winced when I had to check the box indicating that I'd had unprotected sex as well.

When I finished with the forms I turned them back in to the nurse at the reception desk before heading back to the chairs to sit and wait. Melissa finished hers a minute later and then sat down next to me.

She leaned over and whispered to me, "So what was your number?"

I raised an eyebrow at her. "If I answer, are you going to tell me yours?"

"Sure," she said, shrugging.

"Seven."

"Shit, really? Seven? I can only think of four...no, wait, I keep forgetting about your fiancée. Who are the other two?"

I shook my head. "I said I'd tell you the number, not give you details on who everyone was."

"Come on, I'll tell you about mine if you tell me about yours," she said, giving me her best puppy dog eyes.

"I don't think I even really want to know those details from you."

"Pleeease?"

"Why do you even want to know?" I asked her.

"I already know so much of the crazy shit in your life, it drives me nuts to know there are missing pieces."

"Fine," I said, sighing. "After everything with Riley, I felt like I needed to...blow off some steam. So I hooked up with this girl Tessa on the app for some no-strings attached sex."

Melissa nodded. "Nice. And the other?"

"Well, the second time with Tessa, I also had sex with her roommate, Serenity."

Her eyes grew large in surprise. "Wait, you hooked up with a girl named Tessa, and her roommate, Serenity?"

"Yeah, why?" I asked, suddenly concerned by Melissa's reaction.

"No reason," she said, very unconvincingly. "Just surprised. Wait, I thought you said you'd never had a threesome before me and Tori."

"I hadn't. The thing with Tessa and Serenity was more...taking turns."

"All right."

"What about you? What was your number?"

She smirked. "One."

Now it was my turn to be surprised. "Really? One? Just me?"

"Yeah, is that so surprising?"

"Well...yeah, kind of." I didn't want to imply that Melissa was too slutty or anything, especially after our conversation on the drive over, but she had jumped into bed with me pretty quickly. It only made sense that she would have slept with another guy or two in the past year.

"I admit that I went a little crazy for a few months after everything with Troy blew up," she said. "Kind of like you are now, apparently. But for the past year I've been really working through my shit, doing the therapy we talked about, so I haven't really been out looking to hookup with anyone. Until you, at least."

"But why?"

"I don't know. I mean, obviously I'm attracted to you, but I've been attracted to other guys too. Maybe it's your history with Tori, and seeing how she reacted around you."

She shifted in her seat before continuing. "After we first met she told me all sorts of things about her time dating you. Actually, I had known a lot of it even before that. She talked about her high school boyfriend a lot, I just didn't know who you were. So I guess by the time you came over to our apartment, I felt like I already knew you, and I felt a bit more safe and free."

I took her hand in mine. "Well, I'm glad you feel that way. I really enjoy my time with you." She started to smirk again. "And not just the sex," I added.

"Melissa," the nurse called out, opening a door.

Melissa squeezed my hand then let it go, standing from her seat. She walked over to the open door then disappeared into the back of the clinic. I sat there by myself for a few more minutes before I was called back as well. The nurse led me to an empty exam room and sat me down. She looked over my paperwork before looking up at me.

"Do you have any specific concerns, or just wanting to get a regular check for a clean bill of health?"

"Just a regular check, I guess."

I got the full workup, with a cheek swab, blood draw, and urine sample. Since I didn't have any symptoms I was concerned about, she did without the...inspection.

"All set," she said, after she had stashed away all of my various bodily fluids. "We operate on the 'No news is good news' policy here with the STI testing, so unless you hear from us, you should be good to go. I still recommend that you make use of condoms in general, but especially for the couple of weeks it can take for all of the different results to come back. Better safe than sorry."

"Sure, makes sense," I said. She led me back out to the waiting room, where Melissa was already sitting and doing something on her phone.

Melissa looked up as I came over. "Hey, all set?"

"Yup, let's get out of here."

We left the clinic and got back into her car. "Do you want to grab something to eat? I haven't had lunch yet," she asked.

"Sure, I haven't either."

She pulled out of the parking lot and drove off in search of food. "So, my nurse asked about you. Asked if you were my boyfriend. When I told her that you weren't, she asked for your number, so if you get a message from an unknown number, it's probably her."

"What? Melissa, come on," I said.

She tried her best, but she couldn't hold back her laughter. "Oh man, I wish you could have seen your face. No, I didn't give her your number. She really did ask about you, though."

"Guess she's just going to have to live with that missed connection," I said.

We ended up getting tacos for lunch. Melissa had fish tacos while I had some fantastic al pastor. As we ate we filled each other in with some more details on how our respective first weeks of school had gone and our plans for the next week.

"How are things between you and Riley?" Melissa asked.

"They're...fine."

"That pause was quite pregnant with implication."

"She stopped by my classroom after school yesterday, and she, um...she sort of asked if I might still want to be with her."

"Holy shit! Really? What did you say?"

"I told her no, that it was for the best that we just leave all of that behind us and focus on being good colleagues."

"Wow. How did she take it?"

"Honestly, I'm not sure. She kind of clammed up a bit after that and left pretty quickly. She said all of the right things about agreeing, but I could tell it wasn't the answer she wanted."