Spellman Ch. 23

Monday, August 12th, 2013

I was very curious about what Cece wanted to talk to me about, but she didn't bring it up. She instead asked me how my weekend had been.

Obviously I was unable to share too many details about what had happened the past two days. I wasn't going to tell her that I had spent Saturday afternoon getting an STD test, or everything that had happened between me and Tori yesterday. There was still a bit of guilt floating around in my gut about having sex with others while Cece and I were just starting to date, but I'd come to accept the words of pretty much everyone around me that I wasn't doing anything wrong since we weren't exclusive yet.

Either way, it looked like most of that was winding down on its own. Based on yesterday, I didn't think that Tori and I would be sleeping together again, though I still felt like we needed to talk more before everything between us was fully resolved. Riley and I certainly weren't going to be having sex. I understood why she felt the need to ask if there was any chance of something happening with the two of us again, given the upheaval her life was going through right now, but I was confident I'd done the right thing by shutting that line of inquiry down.

Tessa and Serenity were easy enough to cut loose. I had certainly had fun with the two of them, but it was nothing more than sex. They'd seen me on my date with Cece, so they knew what the situation was, and both of them seemed very understanding. No strings meant no strings.

The only real problem was Melissa.

I liked Melissa, a lot. She was smart, fun, cute as hell, and sex with her was fantastic. If she had shown any interest in getting more serious when we first got together, I probably never would have pursued anything with Cece. Not that it meant Cece was second-best and I was settling, but I just would have been focused on Melissa by the time the opportunity with Cece presented itself.

Melissa's reasoning for why she didn't want to be in a serious relationship made sense, given everything she had gone through, and I understood why it frustrated her that I was unsatisfied with just being friends with benefits. I couldn't help how I felt about that, though. In some ways it didn't seem like there would be a huge difference between being boyfriend and girlfriend versus being friends with benefits, assuming neither of us was out looking for other sexual partners. Melissa said she wasn't, and it would be easy enough for me to do the same.

The problem was that I wanted more than just sexual exclusivity. I really liked taking Cece out on a date. Going out, doing all of the romantic couple-y things, being able to introduce someone as my girlfriend, spending those quiet moments together where all that mattered was simply being in the presence of someone you loved...those were the things I craved the most.

Don't get me wrong, sex was awesome, but at the end of the day it wasn't what kept me going. Sex with all of the women I'd been with since moving back to San Diego hadn't come close to filling in the hole that breaking up with Amanda had left. It had been a distraction from the emptiness--a very, very fun and pleasurable distraction--but not a cure for it. I was still spending most of my time alone in my apartment, still waking up without someone sharing my bed every morning. Obviously,even if things progressed with Cece that wouldn't get fixed overnight--it's not like we'd move in together as soon as we became a couple--but I wanted to at least feel like things were moving in that direction.

That's why Cece was the right choice for me now, and not Melissa. I wished I could do more to help her get through the issues that were holding her back from being able to pursue a relationship again, but I couldn't put my own life on hold for her. At least Melissa understood that, even if she didn't like it. Maybe things would work out for me and Cece in the long-term, and maybe they wouldn't. If they didn't, and Melissa was able to get to the point where she was ready for more, then of course I'd be happy to try a relationship with her. I needed to talk to Melissa more, to make it clear to her what direction I was heading in.

"It was fine," I said, giving perhaps the vaguest answer possible.

"Just fine? Don't tell me you sat around your apartment doing nothing all weekend. It's too early for me to find out you're a boring homebody. You're supposed to at least pretend to be fun and interesting at first."

I smiled at her. "No, I didn't sit around all weekend. I actually went to see my friend's band play on Saturday night. They were really good, I think you'd like them."

"Oh yeah? What sort of music?"

"They mostly just do covers of big female-led rock stuff. The Cranberries, Heart, No Doubt, that sort of thing. Beth absolutely killed it."

"Beth is your friend?" Cece asked.

"Yeah, we've known each other since we were kids. She's basically my sister. Our moms are best friends and we grew up together."

"That's cool. Are they playing again any time soon? I wouldn't mind seeing that."

I nodded. "They have shows on Thursday and Friday. I was actually thinking about asking if you wanted to go, but I was worried about having our second date being a repeat of our first. Don't want you to think I can't be more creative than that."

"Well," she said, a smile breaking out on her face, "if you don't mind going out with me more than once this week, I actually had an idea for something we could do tomorrow night."

"I definitely don't mind going out with you more than once this week. What's your idea for tomorrow?"

"One of my dad's friends owns a dance studio, and they have a ballroom dance class on Tuesday nights. She was over for dinner last night and invited me to come, but I don't want to go alone. Is there any way I could convince you to come with me?" She batted her eyelashes at me and stuck out her lower lip.

I had never done any sort of real dancing before, and I was a bit worried about embarrassing myself, but Cece seemed excited about it. Amanda and I had always talked about taking dance lessons together, especially in the lead-up to our wedding, but it was just one of those things we never got around to doing.

"That sounds like fun," I said. "I'm in."

"Yes!" Cece said, clapping her hands together. "Thank you!"

"What time is the class?"

"It starts at six. We should be fine if you pick me up around five-thirty, and we can grab something to eat afterwards?"

"Sounds like a plan."

When we made it to the gym we greeted Paul in the parking lot. As usual, Cece went off to work out on her own, while Paul and I settled in to lift together. I was amazed he was able to wait until we had finished a couple of sets before he started asking me about my date with Cece on Friday night.

"So, how'd it go?" he asked, his eagerness plain on his face. If he was a puppy he'd be wagging his tail like mad.

I decided to play dumb. "How'd what go?"

"Your date with Cece, dumbass."

"Oh, right, that."

"Well? Come on, man."

I laughed. "Sorry, but it's just too fun to mess with you. I think it went really well. We're going out again, at least, so it couldn't have been too bad."

"Awesome," Paul said, pumping his fist. "When's your next date?"

"Tomorrow night, actually. We're taking a dance class."

"Wow, that's some serious couple-level stuff right there."

I shrugged. "I guess a family friend of hers owns the dance studio and invited her to take the class, and she didn't want to go alone."

"Still, seems like a pretty solid second date. Keep it up and next thing you know I'll be giving that best man speech," he said with a grin.

"Let's give it more than a couple of dates before you start ringing the wedding bells, buddy. I think I need to get Jackie involved for a more realistic perspective. She's right, you're way too much of a romantic sap. You're even worse than me."

"Jackie mentioned she wants to try to get you and Cece to come play tennis with us sometime. She's been dying to find a good couple to play mixed doubles with ever since the people we used to play with moved to Phoenix."

"Maybe that should wait until Cece and I are actually a couple, at least. I'm no tennis player, though, and I have no idea if she is either."

"Keep it in the back of your mind for now. It would be fun. Plus if Cece and Jackie can hang out and do some girl talk we could have a spy on the other side to report on how you're doing."

"Dude, you're ridiculous."

We went through the rest of our workout then hit the showers to get ready for the day. When I dropped Cece off at her house I wished her good luck on her first day of work at Eastwood. She gave me a nice kiss goodbye, which provided me with an emotional high that lasted all the way through the morning.

Melissa showed up to have lunch with me in my classroom, but Tori and Emma were nowhere to be found. I guess Tori was avoiding me.

"She just needs a little space right now," Melissa said.

"Is it really just for right now, or is she going to be like this from now on?" I asked her.

"It's been one day, Ryan. She's feeling all torn up. Just give her a bit. She's not going to stay away forever. My guess is that she'll be back in here by the end of the week."

"She didn't have to eject like that, though."

"I know, but she feels like she did. It's been eating her up ever since you showed up here. Even if it doesn't make sense to you, or to me, she's going to let the perfect be the enemy of the good. Maybe she'll get over it someday. I hope she does. But for now it means she has to do this. She got caught up in all of the emotions with you, and now she needs to step back so she can feel like she's in control of herself."

After lunch it was back to teaching. The first week of school had mostly been about getting everyone back into the swing of things and assessing how much of the fourth grade material they had retained through the summer. Now it was time to start moving forward on the actual fifth grade curriculum. I was happy to see that most everyone was in a good place with the material. Joshua was still a bit slow on his division, but he usually got to the right answer eventually. It was something to work on, but not a huge concern.

Everyone was at or above grade-level with their reading, which was a relief. Struggling with reading could have a serious snowball effect on everything else, so it was good to not need to worry about that.

The rest of the day passed by quickly, and before I knew it the day was over and it was time to send the kids home. The car line was getting smoother every day, as kids and parents got used to the process. I was hopeful that soon we'd all have it down to a science.

On the way home I stopped to grab a large meatball sub for dinner. I went through my plans for tomorrow while I ate, making sure that I had all of the worksheets I'd need. After dinner I read a bit more of Never Let Me Go. I couldn't help but be struck by a line in the story that resonated deeply with how I was feeling about Tori.

"It never occurred to me that our lives, until then so closely interwoven, could unravel and separate over a thing like that. But the fact was, I suppose, there were powerful tides tugging us apart by then, and it only needed something like that to finish the task. If we'd understood that back then-who knows?-maybe we'd have kept a tighter hold of one another."

It hurt to know that Tori felt like the mistakes in her past meant she couldn't have the future she wanted, and that those mistakes were pulling us apart again so soon after reconnecting. I couldn't force her to change her mindset though, and that sort of thinking had a way of creating self-fulfilling prophecies. All I could do was be there for her when she was ready, and hope that her despairing over our lack of a romantic future didn't ruin our ability to be friends going forward.

Cece and I played three games of Words with Friends before I went to bed, with me taking the win two-to-one. When we finished she actually texted me a selfie of her in bed to say goodnight. It was just a shot from the shoulders up, her red hair splayed out on her pillow, but she looked beautiful. I was excited about going out with her again tomorrow, but also a little nervous. Trying a new thing like ballroom dancing on a date was rife with opportunities for embarrassment. I fell asleep thinking about all of the ways I could stumble over my own two feet during the class tomorrow.

Tuesday, August 13th, 2013

"So how did your first day at the school go?" I asked Cece as she slid into my passenger seat.

"It went pretty well, I think. Mostly just getting familiar with the office and some of the procedures for dealing with students."

"I'm sure it will be a breeze for you, especially compared to working in the ICU," I said.

"Yeah, probably. Much less stressful, at least. Which is good, since I get enough stress at home."

I had avoided asking her too much about the situation with her dad, but that seemed like an opening for me to finally broach the subject. "Feel free to tell me it's not of my business, but what's going on with your dad that you had to move out here?"

Cece sighed and pursed her lips. "He has Parkinson's disease," she said.

"Oh, I'm sorry. That must be tough."

"It is," she said, nodding. "Some days are worse than others. Even without the Parkinson's, dad's getting up there in age, with all of the usual complications that come with that. Back and knee surgeries, heart problems, typical stuff."

"How old is he?" I asked.

"He just turned seventy-five."

"Wow. That's older than most of my grandparents," I said without thinking. "Sorry, didn't mean for it to come out like that."

"It's fine. Dad got a bit of a late start to begin with, and of course I was an even later surprise. Mom was only twenty-three when they had Colin, but Dad was thirty-five."

"That's a bit of a gap. How did they meet?"

"She was a nurse, he was a surgeon. Classic story," Cece said with a smile, but I could see plenty of pain behind it.

"I hadn't realized you were following in the family business. Are any of your other siblings in the medical field?"

Cece nodded. "Yeah, Colin's a orthopedic surgeon, mostly doing stuff for athletes now. He's been very successful with that. My oldest sister Brianna is a neurosurgeon, and my brother Corey does pharmaceutical research. He has his Ph.D. in pharmacology. They all like to joke around about who counts as a 'real doctor.'"

"Wow, that's a lot. What about your other siblings?" I asked.

"Kevin's a lawyer and Brendan works on Wall Street."

That was quite the family. Cece and her dad seemed to be living pretty simply out here, but I had caught little hints here and there that maybe she was used to being around money.

I thought through what she had told me about her family when we'd discussed it previously. "Don't you have another sister?"

"Good job," she said, smirking. "Yeah, my other sister is Erin."

"And what's she do?"

"She's a trophy wife."

"What? Really?"

Cece laughed. "Oh yeah, I'm serious. Erin used to do some modeling, but she met a rich, older guy at an event and got him to put a ring on it. She's a classic second wife. We're all actually a bit surprised that she's been able to avoid becoming a second ex-wife. It's probably only a matter of time, though. Harry's a real perv."

"Wow, that's...a lot," I said.

We pulled up to the gym, ending our conversation there for now. Paul and I did our workout while Cece went off to do hers. When we finished and made it back to the car, I tried picking things back up where we'd left off.

"So what made you decide to go into nursing instead of becoming a doctor like the rest of your family?" I asked her.

"A few different things. I actually did start out doing pre-med, but it didn't take long for me to realize I really just wasn't interested in going through all of the med school and residency crap my siblings had to do. Four years of college was enough for me. Not to mention a nurse's schedule is generally a lot more flexible. Plus I was interested in being more involved in direct patient care."

"That makes sense," I said.

"You were just wondering why I wasn't as smart as all of my siblings," she said in a joking tone, but I could tell that it was actually something that had been an issue for her.

"Not at all. Trust me, I understand people being judgmental about making a career choice they think should be below you. I get people wondering why I went to Stanford and then became a public school teacher. They think I should have gone on to be a doctor or a lawyer or at least work in tech, something that makes a lot of money. I'm sure it will be even worse now that I'm teaching elementary school instead of high school."

I caught her look of surprise out of the corner of my eye. "You're right. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have assumed that's what you were thinking. It's just something I've gotten used to hearing from people. I didn't even consider that it was something you'd dealt with yourself."

"Hopefully it's not something you hear from your family?"

"Oh no. My family always supported me switching to nursing."

"That's good to hear."

"What made you want to be a teacher?" she asked me.

"Well, my mother, for one. She really is a great teacher, and I could tell how much of an impact she had on her students based on how many came back to visit her years after graduating. I think everyone likes to get the validation that what they're doing has meaning and actually matters to the world. I guess you probably feel the same way about nursing," I said, and Cece nodded.

I continued. "Then I had a history teacher at Eastwood who was another big influence on me. I had always respected teachers, but he was the first one to really give me a vision of what my life could look like. He exposed us to new ideas, new ways of viewing the world. He got to be a football coach after school. Plus, he got summers off."

"What's his name? Is he still at Eastwood? Maybe I'll run into him."

I shook my head. "Mr. Thomas. No, he's..." I had to take a minute to compose myself. "He was killed a few years after I graduated."

"Oh, I'm so sorry. What happened?"

"He was out riding his bike, just his usual Sunday workout. A girl was texting while driving and hit him."

"That's awful."

"Yeah," I said, nodding. "His funeral was one of the only times I came back home while I was in college. It was inspiring to see how many people were there, how many lives he had touched over the years. That helped to reassure me that I was on the right path. I know there are plenty of different ways to weigh the value of someone's life, but having enough people to fill a football stadium at your memorial seems like a pretty good one to me."

Cece didn't have anything to say to that, but she reached over and grabbed my hand and held it until we got back to her house. She leaned over to give me a kiss. "I like learning more about you," she said.

"I like learning more about you, too."

She smiled. "I'm also looking forward to learning how good of a dancer you are tonight."

"Please keep your expectations low on that one," I said.

Cece laughed-the sound was like the bubbling of a hot spring-while her eyes sparkled with amusement. "Don't worry, I'm sure you'll be fine. I'll see you tonight at five-thirty?"

"Yeah, I'll see you then. Have a good day at work, Cece."

"You too, Ryan."

If yesterday had flown by, today was the opposite. Everything just seemed to be dragging. Tori once again avoided my classroom during lunch, but both Melissa and Emma joined me. I told Melissa that she didn't have to eat with me and could go join Tori, but she said that she got enough of her at home. I enjoyed a sandwich for lunch while the girls ate salads.