Splashdown Ch. 11 - The End

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Peggy was stupefied. She felt she was watching two versions of herself debate inside her head. They were saying things, asking questions, but no longer screaming at each other. Now there was calm discussion. This was merely the sorting out details after the tumultuous vote was taken. She felt what Gary had said, the things he'd unveiled for her, she knew they were true. What should she do now? What did he want her to say? Several times the responses, "take care of yourself", and "goodbye" seemed appropriate. That was not enough: no-where near enough. Gary deserved so much more. He'd poured himself out for her. He'd saved her! He was waiting for something: anything. She wondered, 'Is this how I stab that poor forsaken heart one last time?'

Gary finally just smiled as sweetly as he could, all their years danced between their eyes he spoke to her with an air of horrible finality.

"I love you, far too much to see you an emotional tumble weed unable to put your feet beneath you to walk the single path you desire so greatly. You can unreservedly be my friend now, that's really what you want with me. I'll always be there when you need me. I just had to make you understand so you could unreservedly give yourself to the path that will make you whole and happy. I couldn't have you think ill of yourself going forward, it could knock you off the path you need: to be true to yourself and true to your love. You had to understand first so you could travel it. Just as I did."

She watched Gary looked up at her tears in his eyes, "Now that you do, we both have to understand that I love you enough to release you so you can follow your path."

She nodded sadly, understanding completely.

Gary stood, bent down and gently kissed her ... on the forehead.

She waited as he walked to the door. Gary always said if the time came, he would just be gone, he promised to tell her first.

He hesitated, "I love you, Peg."

He had. All that angst to deliver those four poignant words, such a sweet terrible way to explain it. She thought the door shutting behind him sounded like a burial vault closing.

She said aloud to the room he was no longer in, "I love you too Gary, just not enough. To have done this to you twice? No. Nowhere near enough."

* * * * * *

Splashdown

Gary

Kathy heard the knock at her door, she was to it in a flash. I could read her like a book now. If I was there now it meant bad news for me or at least my marriage. Or was I coming to tell her it was all over with her? I was responsible that way.

Kathy knew I planned the talk with Peggy when she got home tonight. She knew that should've been hours ago. If I was there only now what did that mean? Had I gone somewhere to make some awful mourning purge? Had I rid myself of the poison I'd been submerged in, shedding the putrefied skin in order to start anew?

No matter which, Kathy felt the build-up, the terrible change, the tidal wave about to strike, ensuring things would never be the same.

The moment she unlatched the door Kathy thought, 'Gary? More than anything let me say it now, so you know I'm true. Just be, well, be good, take care of yourself, and be happy. Even if it's not with me.'

The door opened stopping her runaway thoughts. I didn't look heart broken, but I had been and for a long time. Oh damn, was I telling her we could never be more than friends? Had she had lost me?

Kathy opened the door completely, stepping back inviting me in, wanting me to come in so badly.

Breathlessly she drank me in. Her eyes narrowed searching me. No, my heart was not broken, things had obviously changed. She heard the mantra again: things will never be the same. Her eyes widened and dampened. She'd lost me! I was happy, Peggy must have healed me. Kathy wanted to scream, "No!" Instead, her heart gladdened that I'd found peace. She was genuinely thankful for my deliverance.

Kathy resolved she would do her best for me, even dying as she was. Her thoughts raced ahead, 'Be a friend, be his best friend, be the best friend you can be! It's a good way to die; in the service of a good person and the man I love.'

Kathy spoke, "So Peggy didn't break your heart. That's good, that's good." She forced herself to face it, she had to keep it together for me. She knew her eyes were darting everywhere but my face. She just had to keep the tears at bay.

"Oh, but she did."

Kathy looked up.

"Kathy, Peg broke my heart over a year and a half ago. And that gave you time to rebuild it."

She held her breath as I took a step inside kicking the door shut behind me with a jaunty flick of my heel. I smiled. It was warm and genuine and lit her heart ablaze.

"Really though Kath, don't you think nurturing a heart is a lifetime job?"

"Gary?"

"Did you pack, Kathy?"

"Y-Yes! G-Gary tell me." She couldn't fight the well of excitement. What had happened?

"We had a plan based on Peggy not wanting me. We were going to go somewhere together you and I."

"I know that! Tell me what happened. Tell me what's happening now."

"Peg fell for it. I hated to deceive her, even for a few hours. She gets it now, all of it; why she couldn't decide to keep me, that she never wanted kids, that she needed to be married to her work, that her feelings for me kept that from happening in her mind. That she really didn't want the life she promised me after she finally got her flight."

"What does that mean, Gary? Please."

"That I'm ready for a vacation."

"Gary?" Kathy needed confirmation. Her heart was building to an explosive state. This was the worst tease of her life. She wondered if I was paying her back for teasing me when I was still with Peggy. I took another step towards her. Kathy wondered if I would come that close if I was leaving her alone. Her thoughts were at throttle up, her considerable mind a whirlwind, jumbled and confused at velocities matched only by her runaway heart.

"You took the full week off, Kath?"

Her heart pounded.

As she nodded, she implored, "Please Gary, tell me outright. Please Gary!"

I took another step ... and kept that damn smile I knew melted her, shining for her.

Kathy hissed through clenched teeth, "Please confirm. I can't hold back. I've never felt this way, not even at lift off. I can't hold back, but if I let go and am wrong, I'll be crushed." She suddenly thought, Oh! Just like he was with Peg, oh my poor Gary.

"Can you take another week?"

Kathy's eyes popped open, "Why Gary? Tell me directly."

Her heart pounded, it had to be at max q. Her thoughts a whirl, 'Oh, he's right to me. He's putting his hands on me. His smile so happy, his eyes so bright. I've never seen them this bright!'

"I-I don't know if I'm allowed to take off another week. So, I won't give them the choice. A-Am I going somewhere? Are WE going somewhere, Gary? Are ... are we really going to go, Gary?"

"You wanted to start our new life together off in the Caribbean, didn't you?"

"Come on Gary! You know how I feel. Tell me, I have to hear the words!"

"You remember I said I could not consummate with you while I was with Peggy. Well..."

I pulled her to me. I crushed her in my arms. I gazed into her lovely blue eyes.

"Damn it, don't tease me any longer, Gary! You know I'm in love with you!" She was smiling now though, she found my grin infectious, she found me infectious. "Answer me!"

She forced her tortured mind to keep up, 'Gary is backing me against the counter. He's reaching under my skirt. He put his hand inside the front of my panties. Oh, the back of his hand! OH! H-He's savagely torn my panties from me. I'm shaking, I'm shaking! Oh my, he's picked me up. I weigh nothing to him. He's placing me over his shoulder like a cave man. I said he should once. He's, he's ... claiming me! Please God, let it be what it seems!'

"Gary. Gary, please say it!"

"We have an hour before we need to leave for the airport. I'm getting laid!"

"Gary, say it. Say what I need to hear, pleeease."

Kathy realized she was flying through the air about the time she landed on her bed. She found herself bouncing on the mattress where I'd thrown her. She rolled in a somersault, coming upright on her knees against the headboard with her skirt wrapped around her waist. It was a really excellent roll: astronaut. Though she was wantonly naked from the waist down, she made no move to cover herself, she was bubbling over with anticipation while still scared to give in to what she wanted most.

"Say it, Gary! Pleeeease!"

My smile glowed electric, "Say what, Kathy? Do you mean say that Peg chose her job over me? Or say that she had three chances to rethink it and struck out? Or do you mean I should say that I've left her? Or that I called my lawyer to send her the papers this week, on my way over here? Or remind you that I told you a week ago what I really wanted was for Peg and me to part amicably with her knowing and understanding that she is happier without me. Or do you mean that I told you my greatest wish, what I really wanted ... was a life with you by my side for the rest of my days? Or now that I can give in to loving you I feel like I've been propelled into it like being blown out of an air lock?"

"Or..." I reached over and grabbed her shirt pulling her to me by it, she was breathless. I held up my left hand, there was no wedding ring on my finger!

"Yes, that's what I meant. Oh Gary, do you mean you are mine?"

"Perhaps I should just say ... Kathy, I love you. I'm going to take you now, and I'm never letting you go."

"Gary!" Kathy glowed! Happy tears streaming down her jubilant face, she threw her arms around my neck and held on for dear life, "I've been yours for some time. Now make me yours to your literal satisfaction. Put your mark on me so well everyone on the plane sees it as obvious."

"Your wish is my command, Kathy, for the rest of our lives."

"Then fuck Mars, Gary, just put me in orbit."

I tore her arms from around my neck pushing her back on the bed. I positioned myself to make her my mate.

"Wow, Kath you are ... just soaked.

"N-Never been like this Gary. I'm only like this for you. Really. Honest. Truuuly."

I finally moved forward, in so many ways.

Kathy hissed and moaned then her eyes shot open. She motioned for me to stop.

"W-Wait. Gary. It's Splashdown." She smiled through her lust. "Don't you see? The way we used do it at the end of the exploration, we ended it with a splashdown. And it's not just you, I can feel it too, Gary. I feel myself pouring out around you. I want this more than anything, Gary, anything. When you sink in it'll be splashdown, for both of us. We'll be where we belong: we'll both finally be home Gary ... Splashdown!"

Kathy beamed radiantly. I'm sure I looked the same. When I moved my hips forward her eyes rolled back, mine too. She was right. The bad was over, the good was starting, we'd done it, gone through the hell and come out reforged, having found the counterpart that made us new and whole, better and more formidable. And happier, much, much, happier.

Despite all the waiting and the pain, the failures and the humiliation, we were so fortunate. We never gave up, we never let go of each other, be it as friends or lovers, and despite all the crushing odds we'd not only survived but had won. And, well ... splashdown!

* * * * * *

Epilog One: T Plus Two Years.

Peggy

It had been almost a year since Gary left, I held the final divorce decree in my hands. Did I cry? Only a small ocean. I'd been in counseling for months as I came to grips with what I really wanted. Gary had agreed to hold off until the counselor signed off, he even went to numerous sessions with me. But he was supporting me as a friend finding my way, not as the wife he had so dearly wanted. Gary was always extremely generous with me.

Now Gary was forging his new path and his new love. I was still at home in the house where I'd lived with Gary so close to NASA and Johnson Space Center. At home and at ease with my first true love. I'd lived there all those years with the space agency always with me. Gary didn't seem a threat to my life with NASA, rather an augmentation. My confused feelings only began to crystalize when I felt I had to make a choice. Gary figured it out a long time before I did. He felt bad about how he pulled the blindfold off, though it was needed, and I'd thanked him for it.

The entire time we were married and living in this house I was in love with the space agency and really married to it. Gary was my side guy. When it came to off-spring I had to make a choice. I put Gary off for a while stating pending flight status. That worked so there was no need to go further, there was nothing to reconcile. I didn't need to figure out my disparate feelings. When my space flight came up, I felt I was being untrue to my love and began to spurn Gary. I felt terrible, I didn't want to admit the truth to myself: the idea alone bowled me over.

Gary really loved me, there's no doubt. He stuck out ten months that I can scarcely imagine. Then he took another year trying to confirm what he thought and make me love him. Failing, he took the time needed find the best way to make me face the reality.

I still consider Gary my very best friend. I do love him, just not as much as he deserves. I've made sure both he and Kathy know that. I know I'll never find a finer flesh and blood mate than Gary. He burned a year of his life making sure I was alright and aware after I cheated on him, and out of years of his life. I tortured him for two years when you put it all together.

I promised him a certain life and never wanting to fulfill that promise or that vision. In my own defense I didn't see or understand my duplicity at the time. It all would have been a wonderful consolation prize if I was never selected for a mission, but that isn't why I promised him falsely. Gary's quite clever and well versed in the black bag of dirty tricks, I only fooled him so well because I fooled myself so well. I was so upfront about things they never seemed a threat. I admitted I loved NASA; I just didn't realize how much. And I wasn't willing to admit how much I loved Gary, even now I can't bear to think of how inadequately I loved him.

I do love human exploration, spaceflight in the guise of NASA, now hopelessly mired in bureaucratic nonsense, bloated budgets, and a looming global depression. I knew we wouldn't be able to pick up reaching for the stars until this economic calamity ended. I've heard it said that a trip to Mars would take the people's minds off their troubles. The people who say that have no conception of the actual price of forging entirely new technologies to bridge what seem simple gaps. Harkening the future will always be an expensive enterprise. The undertaking cannot be made lightly, it takes a strong focus. As a ruse it would quickly fall flat.

An actual leader will eventually emerge who will understand that reaching for the stars has a way of igniting hope. Lord knows we need it now: Lord knows how much we will need it by then!

Until then I'm doing my part, feeling completely connected to where we will eventually go one day. In my own way, whether people recognize it or not, I'm pushing this old, mired buggy forward. Writing my name on the list of those who wish to etch their name on the stars.

Except the nights are still cold looking at the stars so lustrous in their brilliance. All that energy, all that light, and no warmth to be felt at all. In those times I remember the warmth and passion of a man who loved me, who still does to some degree, vastly diminished, but sadly probably still more than I loved him. I never sacrificed for him. Like everything in my life, I loved an idea, actually two. And for a brief time, I actually touched them both: my time at the edge of space and the years with Gary before I was assigned to go there. Then I fell back from those heavens to my earthy norm of preferring to dream more than live.

I tend more towards doom and gloom these days. My only bright spots are the future of space finally freeing mankind from its tethers, and my family. I include my friends at NASA, my parents, Kathy, and mostly Gary in my definition of family. My bright spots may be few, but they are brilliant. And I know better than anyone that it's a relief to have fewer bright spots because you can concentrate all your energy on them that way.

My ideas and dedication have finally fused with my dreams, and I'm happy here in this state. As sad as it is for Gary and me, and nothing will ever take the tragic truth of it away, I made the right choice, for both of us.

I chose making history over loving Gary. I chose nurturing our species over nurturing my spouse. And, if given the chance, I would indeed claim all the memories Gary said I would: even making love over a Martian landscape as one of the first of our kind to do so, even if that man was not my husband. Further, I would cling to that man as an Adam to my Eve regardless of our personal chemistry because of our historical significance. It may sound cold to you, but to me it's the height of classical romance.

Gary lived in the dregs of what humanity could fall to, getting himself dirty to save others from being soiled. There was nobility in that. I took his opportunity to make a difference away from him. I made that choice to preserve my own dream.

I wanted to help our race too, my way was more pollyannish. Even if the journey was approved today, I fear I'd probably be too old to be chosen to go to Mars, or to be an Eve by way of motherhood by the time NASA or a successor finally makes the voyage.

I wanted to be part of that historical epoch. I lived for possibilities clinging to the hopes that arose. But I wanted to live as a woman until those possibilities actualized. I wanted to live as a woman until I transcended mere gender making my place in the stars, taking their luminosity as my own. I would do it for all of us, that sounded so noble. Well, I made it sound noble.

My intensions were good, my actuality was as selfish as the lowest human had ever been. Gary, when standing in the mire, blood, and yes filth, of the pestilence of ignobility, fighting imbued with magnanimous accord, stood all the taller for doing it for someone else. By comparison reaching my perigee and reflecting the luminosity of the stars themselves I fell soiled, because I reached my pinnacle by stepping on the hearts of those who loved me obtaining my selfish ends, claiming them for myself alone.

I know that's the reality. Perhaps I've always known. Perhaps that's why I'm better dealing with the academic in living dreams and letting reality sort itself out.

At my best, as well as my most selfish, I still fantasize about being in a small, pressurized capsule with a frosty window overlooking a desolately beautiful extraterrestrial landscape, making love to a man who shared the journey, knows its significance, and feels the wonder of it all, with me. A man who can understand how much it means as well as how much it means to me, who knows exactly how it feels, and wants to share all that with me also.

I guess that's exactly how I make love in reality: as cold and desolate as the Martian landscape, though to me it was, and is, truly beautiful. And as long as I am the one imagining it, I imagine it's Gary that is by my side, on Mars, in my bed, and all through my heart. And all is warm and true and perfect. And for me, as real as I will ever need.

Epilog Two: T Plus Two Years and One Day

Kathy

Kathy excitedly punched the code into her phone. She could hardly wait for it to ring. She leapt into conversation as soon as the call was answered, "Mom, it's me, Kathy. It happened! Yes, Gary's divorce is final!"

She listened to her mother's reply and gave her own, "I agree, it spoke volumes about him that he tried to make it work with Peggy after everything that happened, and everything that kept happening."