Splashdown Ch. 11 - The End

The Final Countdown

Peggy was surprised by the man in the dark suit suddenly standing in front of her in the break room. He asked if it was her. Once her identity was confirmed he asked her to his office. His office was in the wing of the "almost high ups", a better class of bureaucrats.

Once arrived he asked her to have a seat. Peggy mused his next phrase would be, "You're probably wondering why I called you here?" Instead he surprised her.

"We've gone green with the Orion capsule project. We're up and running and could have a test maiden flight in twenty-four months or less. If we can go with less configurables we could possibly beta launch earlier. Don't tell anyone that, for crying out loud." He held out a stern finger of warning in front of a glossy smile.

Her heart leapt for joy.

"The early analysis of your metallurgy data looks very promising. We want to expand the tests by sending samples and small-scale machined parts to the ISS for testing in orbit. The basic design is practically finished for the future Mars crew compartment too, but we need to know the best materials to achieve mission objectives for the buildout. We know Mars will be a different ball game due to the duration of the flight and we don't want to rely on just an outer water jacket to block radiation. We're still at the ground floor on which materials, from where, for how much, and how best to fabricate with the chosen materials.

"The first experiments will be crude, more or less duct-taping samples to the outside of the ISS to see how they handle "the weather."" He tried to smile at his little joke attempting to bridge the gap between their theatres of expertise.

Peggy didn't laugh at his joke. He chewed the corner of his lip before continuing, "In the short term, while the capsule design is set, we want to study what reuse does more carefully. We know a lot about ceramic tile from the shuttle program, but that's decades old. As you know we've polymers that are like film, so we need internal eyes on that. Usually, they're overlayed on a metallic lattice. We don't want to just take the factory rep's word on everything.

Peggy felt her face flush with excitement, then she cooled, "Why me?"

"Because for those materials as well as the fabrication protocols to utilize them you are the tip of the spear internally. Internally to NASA that is. Peggy, it will mean more trips up." A father's warm smile creased the man's face.

Peggy's heart nearly burst.

He made a pained gesture, while folding his hands together, fireside chat style, atop his desk blotter, "And quite frankly, but only between me and you, the agency owes you. We've some idea what you went through, uh, after your last trip."

Peggy blushed crimson as she thought of herself howling like a cat in heat. Was there a damn audio going around? Noting his demeanor, he thought her the victim. She thought, 'They all think I was taken advantage of, even raped. They expect me to remember it harrowingly. Except being an astronaut, I guess they think I'm tough enough to take it. Jesus,' she thought, 'Gary has these types wired.'

Thinking of Gary, Peggy's blood ran cold. She was awakened from her internal tumult by the bureaucrat's voice gently asking if she was alright.

"Peggy, we failed you. We let people inside our family that harmed ... one of our own. You are perfectly suited for the mission, and we want to make sure you know you're still "one of ours". Frankly, even without the, er, complication that you recently ... endured ... you're our top person on alloys, ferro fluids, and polymers, so this would've come your way anyway."

Peg was joyous. Especially over the last part about being chosen on merit. She'd earned space flight again! Suddenly she had a slight coppery taste in her mouth. There was an ominous side to this she couldn't immediately fathom.

"Now the downside, Miss Peggy."

She froze, understanding the taste now.

"There will be lots of travel. Groom Lake, the Mohave, even Antarctica, all the worst extremes here on earth as well as what cosmic rays can produce on the ISS. Some of the missions may be classified because of the materials, so you'd go into a lock down a few days before and after the flights to and from your destination."

'Damn', she thought, 'Gary might be just the husband to go on some of these trips with her, except they aren't just lousy locations: there aren't facilities for spouses. And if the trips were classified, they wouldn't let him go, even if he didn't look at her research'.

"Sir, for the trips to the ISS, would I be up for extended periods?"

"Well, the Space X capsule is prepping for extended beta, but we haven't designed a mark two, and production will take a while. Space X will fill in the gaps way before Orion's up. It's possible we'll have one on-line before too long. With both Dragon and Soyuz capsules we can probably be back to three-month intervals. And much less as soon as there's a second Dragon."

He emphasized the next point, "And I promise you that you'll be surrounded by Americans this time and every time! We won't let any sort of harm come to you. I promise. You're one of our own!"

She nodded. Now the joy was draining from her. The entire second half of his offer underscored the horrors Gary had endured during her last flight.

"I have to speak to my husband."

"Of course. That's why we wanted to speak to you on a Friday, so you have all weekend to mull it over. Miss Peggy, we're very proud of him too! We see this opportunity of yours as a reward for him as well. He did all of us at the space agency a tremendous favor by handling things the way he did in Germany at that air show. That really was part of why we wanted to extend this offer to your family as well."

Peggy imagined Gary would be overjoyed to know NASA itself was now kicking him in the shins for his good deeds, not just his wife. She actually feared his reaction to their "reward" for him. Apparently, they saw him as one of the good old boys if not part of the family. That part just seemed odd. Additionally, Gary was never going to see the space agency as a fraternity. Hell, Gary probably hated fraternities as much as bureaucracies.

"Ah," the bureaucrat started, "Please don't share this information with anyone besides your husband. No one even knows we're working on a team roster yet. It'll be months before word of this gets into the regular pipeline.

She nodded and silently got up. Peggy thanked him profusely. As soon as she started to turn for the door to leave, she felt dread. Almost on cue the man said to her, "If I may, I know you haven't given us an answer yet, or spoken to your husband, but may I presume you are interested?"

Here it was. It was a better deal than last time. A much bigger carrot, and a stick so large she could barely believe it. Other than that, it was eerily similar to the last fateful time.

"I can honestly say it's more than I ever hoped for. It's beyond my life's dream."

She turned knowing she had stopped short of saying 'yes' while still saying much more than she wanted to admit. Peggy didn't remember the walk back to her small office. Lost in thought she didn't find her way out until time to go home.

Fiery Reentry

Peggy

Peggy was still stunned as she got home. Hooray for the autonomic nervous system, she'd used her internal auto pilot the entire way. Of all the terrible memories this offer brought up, the absolute first was that Gary had lost his job in order for Peggy to have hers. He was still on the outside looking in employment-wise while she was just offered an even better job. One that will bring up a lot of the issues she forced on Gary. Perhaps not finding anything to sink his teeth into yet might help.

She wondered about the trips where NASA might have accommodations for him. There weren't many, perhaps Groom Lake. She thought she could suck it up and fly "Janet", the not-so-secret government airline to and from Vegas, making her commute longer. That way Gary could stay in a nice Vegas room while she was at work.

That was ridiculous. She thought, 'The only possible thing Gary might be interested in Vegas is the Bunny Ranch. And if he won't screw Kathy, he sure won't do that. He'd look at me like I was the three headed Monster Zero if I suggest it.'

Peggy wondered what Gary would do in Antarctica while she was in the lab. Gary would probably like setting and retrieving the test samples as he could prove himself against the elements. Except as soon as he wasn't allowed to look at the research, he'd feel foolish instead of intrepid, like a trained monkey. He'd have no patience with faulty sensors and procedures. He'd buck the NASA system to implement a better solution. Even with his security clearance there was no way to drag Gary along, he'd feel like a pet on a leash.

Peggy began to question the situation in earnest now. 'How can I even bring this up after what happened before? I guess I must one way or the other; I won't make the mistake of not telling him first this time. Nor can I tell him I've already made a decision like last time. At least I haven't already gone and done it! Nor do I have to tell him I took the "dead fish drug" and our bedroom life is kaput. Oh joy, Gary's treat is that the laundry list of times I expect to kick him in the balls is not as long this time around. I can hardly wait until I tell him there won't be Russian dicks surrounding me this time, just healthy American ones. This time I can arrange for his country to betray him at the same time I do!'

Peg stood in the garage waiting to open the door to the kitchen. She took a big breath thinking, 'I've already told him about the job opening at Goddard, that almost seemed like an olive branch. Except I think he wanted to go somewhere less populated. He's not going to like the Maryland / DC metro area. Shit, I hope he doesn't think I'm telling him about this new offer to leverage that opportunity. As I could have taken that job months ago his mind will tell him I was only interested in Goddard before he saved my career at NASA. And he'd be right, wouldn't he?'

Peggy sighed, 'I have to go in there and face him. Let's just see where it goes. I just can't help feeling this conversation is not what we need. This whole mission is not what we needed. I've been stuck just trying to normalize, and Gary's not happy at all with the new normal. I don't know why he hasn't flipped and left yet. I need to figure out why I'm stuck. Why haven't I just thrown myself on Gary's mercy and told him we'll do whatever he likes and leave the space agency behind? I've already had my great adventure, and it cost Gary his. How can I possibly pick up my adventure again in these circumstances? Shit. Shit. Shit.'

Peggy opened the house door like it was the portal to the gas chamber. There she was greeted with a sight she had rarely ever seen.

Gary

I was in an ear-to-ear smile! I heard Peggy pull into the garage. When she opened the door, I ran up to her excited.

"Peg, I never thought it was a possibility! In my business if it's too good to be true then it is. But it still happened!"

"What is it Gary?" Peggy felt carried along with my infectious excitement. I could tell she wanted to discuss something. It wasn't making her as happy as I was. I saw her reason out she needed to delay as I deserved some happy time.

"Peg, my former agency has kept tabs on me, therefore us. And with your recent decision to take the research and tracking job at Goddard and leave the space agency, they've rescinded my ban! Apparently, you willingly cutting off all your international works ties satisfies them I would not be accidentally compromised, or you directly targeted again. Nor would your new position generate the buzz or press that goes with a job at NASA. Peggy, they want me to come back!"

Peggy didn't look happy. She looked floored, "Gary, I-I have to tell you this. You must know! NASA just offered me an expanded position as a flight specialist, a-as an astronaut."

I stood there transfixed.

"I'm only explaining what they offered. D-Does their merely offering squelch your deal?""

"Go on," I said flatly, my exuberance having evaporated. Peg looked ill that my joy had vanished.

"There would be several flights back up ... to space. I would be one of their top people for metallurgy and polymers for capsule construction eventually intended for Mars flight."

I asked her, "Has Mars been green lit?" Incredulity dripped from my words.

"Not that I've heard. Just new capsules for the ISS and hopefully beyond. Making an inference, Mars must be in the offing or why would they be researching capsule construction? There'd be no need to approach me about this as there are plenty of materials we already have confidence in for orbital flight. Maybe it's something short of full commitment. I'd still be doing research needed for Mars flight, specifically the construction materials for the long voyage Orion capsule. It'd be fascinating work. We need that research even if Mars is delayed again."

"What specifically?"

"The interaction of the materials to cosmic rays and solar wind."

"Ah, because you're an expert in spallation."

Peggy smiled at me sardonically, "I shouldn't be surprised you know that word and my background, but I didn't expect the term to surface here in our kitchen." She smiled respectfully.

"The fragmentation of a unified whole by ejection of particles, caused by stress, often the stress of bombardment such as by solar wind, or cosmic rays. Right?"

"Yes," she smiled impressed. But looking at my face she felt a shadow cross over her. There was a message for her there somewhere.

"The way the government spends money today there can be no Mars project. You know that, right?"

Peggy frowned, "Eventually humanity has to go, I'd get to do some of the important work needed to go. It would be ... fulfilling."

The poor thing was trying to downplay her excitement at the prospects. She looked at me very seriously, "Just as you do good work and find, er, found, damn it, will find ... your job fulfilling."

"Do you want to take it, Peggy?"

"I want to, but I told them we have to discuss it ... you and me," she nodded encouragingly.

"What, exactly, are we discussing?"

"A whole lot outside of the particulars of this specific job, that's for sure. But if you're asking the particulars of this specific job: travel."

"Where?"

"Mojave, Antarctica. Paradise Ranch."

"Those aren't simple overnights, Peg."

"Probably two weeks each." She had trouble looking at me, but she'd be damned if she wouldn't answer me. I was proud of her for that.

I didn't have to say anything, two weeks was very doable even after what she'd done. But two weeks was the same expected time period that had such terrible portent for us as a couple: two weeks had become ten months.

"But Gary, I don't think we could both do our jobs, could we? I mean I can't work for the space agency, and you work at the, ah, well, wherever it was you worked. Can we?"

"No Peg."

She shook at the tenor of my answer, and her eyes became wet. Her whole demeanor changed. "Gary," she said very quietly, "I can think of a way we both can."

"How's that?"

"If you left me."

I closed my eyes. Was that an offer or a hope on my wife's part?

"You know my answer, Peg. I won't choose a job, even a vocation, over you."

"Does that mean you want me to take it?"

"No Peg. You have to choose."

Peg noticed all the joy was out of me. She thought, 'I think I know why I do this now.' Instead of putting her head in her hands as she started to, she looked at me with fervent intent.

Her voice was as gentle as I'd ever heard, "Gary, I'd be setting up future generations to explore, and spread, and hopefully to help mankind become our better selves." She paused, it was like she heard me answer 'Sure, just like humanity changed after Apollo.' She quickly added to this imaginary parry, "A-As you keep our worst selves from wiping out our species. I can't pick against you, Gary." She hung her head shaking it at herself.

She noticed for a second I'd looked hopeful then back to implacable. "Any Space Station work, Peg? Didn't you say you would still be an astronaut?"

Now the tears fell, "Nothing definite yet. Maybe I can do it from the ground?"

"Is that what they said?"

She shook her head ruefully, "They said mine would be one-week missions if four Dragons come online and we can use Soyuz. Both of those are iffy for the short term, Gary. For new equipment there's always a shake down period before they're really part of the main mission rotation." Peggy's voice trailed off as she looked away, "That's nebulous at best, for right now the schedule would remain at three to six months."

"So, what does that mean, Peg?"

"Six months up for now, then probably shrinking to three months stays in a few years."

I just stared at her.

"I know, Gary, I know, even if it didn't become longer like it did the last time. Maybe I can do something else ... from the ground. But Gary, that means moving too, and to the DC area. If I took this NASA position, we could stay here in Texas. You like it here. I-I want to go, I want to do this, Gary, but I can't choose against you."

Peggy had taken on a peculiar sickly pallor. Even after all we'd been through this was not a look I was used to. I gave an almost imperceptible nod.

Peggy became resolute, "Not again I can't, Gary."

"Then why are we discussing it?"

"Because it was offered, and you needed to know. Because I'm scared just my offer will mess up your offer. Gary, if I choose space then you don't get to do ... what we all need you to do, and what you need to do."

I waited.

Peggy looked at me tight lipped, "It comes down to my picking you or the space agency doesn't it?"

"Who's your family Peg? Me or them?"

Peggy's mind raced, 'Oh my God, the bureaucrat who made her the offer had said she was "one of them". He used the word family repeatedly! That's why it was ominous. It resonated with me because I see the space agency that way.'

I took on the demeanor of a guide, "Peg, sometimes we can solve problems by changing the focal length. Maybe don't look at tomorrow, look longer term; look at Mars if they offered."

"I'm willing to do this work, even if I don't get to go to Mars."

I gave her a warm gentle smile, "That's not what I mean, Peg. Mars would be a two-year mission. Would you take that mission, Peg? Is that what would make you happy? You already left me for a year once. Mars would take a ton of prep too, probably a full year at minimum. We'd be married in name only, or maybe we might meet for conjugal visits occasionally, if that. I mean you'd be working with others for a long time, and then spend two years up there with your new family, emersed in the ultimate fantasy. It's a fait accompli something emotional would develop with someone on your team, it would almost have to for mental health. But more than that you'd want someone to share that adventure with ... intimately."

I made sure my voice was calm and gentle, "Peg, no recrimination, that also played a small part of your last mission, didn't it? That's where a portion of your guilt comes from isn't it? You need to be honest, especially with yourself, baby."

Peggy's eyes grew in astonishment and dread. Have you ever watched someone stare at something they didn't want to see?

"But, Peg, even for all the historic significance of a Mars trip, would you ask that of me after... after what you've already asked of me?"

Peg didn't answer, she looked away.

"That marriage, one where you're gone from it for three years, is a lie I'm not willing to live, and I don't know how we would shoehorn in children. What would become of them with no mother around for their formative years. Would they really have a mom if she leaves them for two years when they're young? Heck, let's call it three, the way your throw yourself into mission prep. The mission to Mars will be the most scrutinized, over planned, and practiced, road trip in human history. Would you bother coming back to them after three years? Would that relationship ever be what it's supposed to be? There's no debate it's an extremely important job, but more important than a mother with her children? Would your own children ever accept that reasoning?"