Star Studded Pt. 02

Star Studded Part 2 (of 3)

Gwen saw Lee becoming more pensive as time drifted by. She'd expected pensiveness followed by a dark period, even flagrant anger. She wasn't sure what the increasing pensiveness meant, though she was sure it wasn't good. Having him think about a problem, then deal with it, even dismissing it, or beating it accompanied by anger, was positive. But keeping her husband on ice, never letting him know what the menace was, didn't let him formulate a plan for dealing with it. His predicament was to live out a bastardized line of Shakespeare: "weathering the pangs of imagined drama." Gwen shuddered thinking of what a man could imagine about a past relationship of his wife's that still caused her to freak out years after the fact. She wanted to weep knowing she'd pretty much tipped her hand the relationship had been sexual. She hated to think of how haunted she may have made Lee. She hated that she left him in that state with no way out. If he wasn't allowed to deal with it, he couldn't move on; she still hadn't figured a way to stop his torture. Every action she came up with short of telling him, also looked to make matters worse. Lee must feel like his wife had pushed him into a pit of lava and was making no attempt to help him back out. He continued to support her while she let the situation eat him alive. This was a ticking time bomb.

Occasionally Lee would drift through a room seeming normal, then he'd seem out of place, soon he'd drift back acting normal, then he'd fidget. Finally, he'd blurt out a question.

"Gwen, by famous do you mean a famous name or famous guy?"

She looked at her husband trying to ascertain the precise information he was asking for, "You mean like a famous author who you hear his name a lot but never see his face?"

"Yeah."

"No."

The exchange always seemed anticlimactic, even to her. Lee would leave the room, still trying to look normal and like he'd never asked the question. Gwen knew he often found a quiet place to be alone and deal with the turmoil that was bubbling to the surface. These small questions were an attempt to quell those growing demons. If Lee stayed long enough to ask her twenty questions, Gwen would answer every one of them, although his norm was one. She wasn't going to hold out on him, though she didn't want to stir the pot herself.

Still, it seemed as if Lee had a medical condition with the only treatment being a highly addictive drug, he'd been warned the perils of. He took barely enough to quell the symptoms for fears of a greater evil.

Gwen sighed heavily thinking, 'I warned him off and he's trying to do his best by me and by us, but he's not doing well by himself. He's suffering because of me.'

While Lee's quick attempts at offhand questions didn't happen frequently, they became a normal occurrence.

"Gwen, is it a person in the public eye?"

"Yes."

"Still?"

"More so."

Then Lee would move off with an overly practiced shrug. Gwen wasn't sure if he was trying to put her at ease or convince himself the subject didn't matter. Obviously, it had hooks in him or he wouldn't ask in such a convoluted manner.

One Saturday while they were supposedly doing yard work, she could tell it had him by the tale.

"Um Gwen."

"Yes, my love?"

"Newsman?"

She couldn't help it. Laughing she answered, "Yep, news guys are known to make college girls swoon."

Gwen smiled until she saw her remark about swooning cut him, "Damn my tongue, that's not what I meant baby. I-I can't tell you how sorry I am." She remained stooped to her gardening regarding him with great sympathy as she confirmed, "No baby, he was not a news guy."

She tried to reach out to Lee, but he walked off. He was hiding his hurt from her; that wasn't good. She stayed with her yard duties, deciding to give him time instead of going to him.

Lee came walking past again a bit later, "Musician?" It seemed to her that he purposely refused to say "rock star" in this context.

"No darling." At least this time he seemed pleased as he moved off.

On his next pass Lee seemed more preoccupied than normal. Reaching her he stopped, faltering, looking at the ground. She could tell this one was bad for him; his tribulation had her full attention.

"Athlete?" he shot out.

She stood wanting to hold him this time, "No darling." Before she could hug him, she saw his shoulders sag in relief. He moved off quickly.

Gwen went back to mindlessly pulling weeds allowing the situation to crystallize in her mind. Lee was thinking of occupations where he couldn't match the man on his own turf. This was just what she didn't want, Lee now wanted to beat her past lover at his own game.

Suddenly the breath left her body. What would athlete mean to Lee: strong, great endurance, fluid motions, those attributes translated well to the bedroom too. 'Oh my God, Lee's thinking he's not my desire in the bedroom.' Gwen knew that was close to hitting rock bottom for a man. The man who thought he couldn't satisfy his woman sexually was soon to bail on the relationship. Her eyes shut tight. This was going to be rough for him, the truth might not help her wonderful husband stave off a malignant imagination.

Gwen wasn't going to let him hang like this. But if she opened this door, she'd have to discuss the sex soon. She hated this. She glanced at Lee, who was standing in the middle of the yard, his journey obviously stopped mid stride by a terrible idea. She saw his tremors; her man was shaking with rage and possibly fear. She had no idea what profession he had conjured up now, possibly rodeo clown.

She rose from her knees. She sauntered to where he stood in the yard pretending to examine the side of the detached garage, studying him the entire way.

"Lee," she said meekly.

He looked at her wet eyes as she reached up and put both her hands on his cheeks. Looking up into his eyes with apology seeping from her entire body she said softly, "Lee ... movie star."

Gwen pulled him in close, grappling him, feeling his tension. She could read his thoughts. A surge in tension, she was sure he'd been thinking of her with a rock star. She thought he had been all morning. This was better than a rock star because who knows what depravity she'd have engaged in with a rock star. She felt him relax, thinking that at least that was not the case.

Gwen knew her man. Lee was reviewing all his earlier thoughts, dismissing each in turn. Lee would think of his question about her being with an athlete next. Wow, did he ever tense at that one. He must've wondered how a trained developed body might have rocked her world. Further, how could he possibly match a professional athlete's endurance, and what about his moves? Lee felt ready to blow at the prospect. Then Gwen felt him calm slightly, the reality was better than that.

But now he had to be thinking about a movie star. She could tell he was mulling it. She tried to think the way he would. A movie star would be handsome and ... 'Oh no. A movie star would be so handsome a young girl would swoon. Swoon! Damn it, I gave him the word his imagination will use against him.'

The tension was back. 'Damn it, he's gone through the entire progression. If I swooned, I was definitely with him. Lee probably knew it before, but I just accidentally confirmed his belief. Of course, he knew. He knew before this came up, before we were married, that I was not a virgin. Now however, I've told him I was the girlfriend of a movie star. But he didn't know the extent of our relationship. To remove all doubt is to remove all hope for the opposite.' She felt him tense, 'he knew it now for sure: the movie star had me.'

Gwen held him more tightly. Lee tensed more then pulled away.

"Lee baby, I'd like to do anything for you - anything ..."

Lee forced a smile and walked off. Gwen sat in the grass, pulled her knees to her face, and wept. She knew he was probably somewhere crying too, awash in a man's pain. And he didn't want her to soothe him! Why would he? She hated the answer: he wouldn't right now because she caused this pain.

* * * * *

The week had gone better than Gwen feared. Lee was distracted. She'd made sensual and powerful love to him several times and made sure to touch him as much as she could. Lee didn't raise the subject of the secret again though. He hadn't asked any question since last Saturday morning when she told him the man from her past was a movie star. He was probably torturing himself to remember if she'd seemed especially desirous to see a particular star's movies. 'Dammit,' she thought, 'just dammit.'

Friday evening the pair was having a snack and drinks in their backyard. They'd been discussing simple happy things, genuinely basking in each other's company.

Lee turned to Gwen answering an unspoken question, "I guess I do feel heartache at times, and when I do it's intense. Then I remember this is all water under the bridge."

Gwen hopes soared, though she didn't allow herself to get too high as the secret had obviously been in the background of his mind for him to change the subject so abruptly.

Lee continued as if thinking out loud, "It's so damn weird. You're so broken up about it and so fearful and guilty, that it makes me wonder what you must've done to still feel it that extremely. And this is new to me; you've had years to deal with it, even if you hate it. It's all a revelation to me."

Lee was embarrassed admitting his misgivings. He was a strong man and confident. Gwen was sure this was hitting him right between the eyes precisely because of those traits. She looked very concerned.

Lee held up a hand, "No, don't worry. I'm trying to alleviate that fractured pained look on your face. I need to explain how I feel in the hopes of putting you at ease. I'm still here to defend you." Lee took Gwen's hand giving it a reassuring squeeze. "I use my mind to override the insecurity and doubt, but that's what I'm feeling. Please keep in mind all the circumstances I just mentioned; they're necessary ingredients to what I'm about to say."

Gwen felt all her senses come online. Her body was reacting to his statement like it was a declaration of emergency.

"We're so emotionally wrapped up; it feels like I've discovered an affair. It's like I'm losing you to your lover. I mean, you're defending him. Keeping him and his things secret, protecting him from me and not allowing me to protect you."

Gwen felt like she just lost her whole world, then thought, 'Oh God, Lee already feels like that!'

"Everyone else knew about him, and I didn't. Hell, I still don't. I presume your parents know because you said something the very first night this arose about a close family friend knowing and changing as a result. So, your folks are in on the conspiracy to keep me in the dark. I know it's really the conspiracy to keep your tryst a secret, but I thought I'd passed muster while we were still dating. I thought I'd been taken into the inner circle. I mean, I even married you! What does a guy have to do to prove himself? All of this sort of shifts my place with you and your family. It feels like I've been deliberately excluded, because, dammit, I have."

Lee managed to keep anger completely out of his words. His disappointed frustration seeped through despite his efforts. He put his hands up in a gesture of non-confrontation. They both frowned at the gesture knowing it shouldn't be needed between a man and wife. In a tired voice he concluded, "You said the answer was on the internet." Before her eyes could widen in worry he finished, "But you don't want me to know, so I've respected your wishes. I haven't looked." He shook his head then let it hang.

Gwen didn't know how to describe how much of a man she thought Lee was. She knew she was looking at him with her mouth at least slightly agape.

"I'm dealing with things I know I shouldn't. Things I know I shouldn't bother me. But not knowing exactly what I'm dealing with has sent me on a strange ride. I'm normally optimistic. Except your extreme reaction, that I'm still in the dark about what you don't want me to know, and the fact that you don't want me to know something important about you, are conspiring to make my imagination run wild.

"My thoughts keep going to dark places. That's not like me, but this situation is like nothing I've ever dealt with. I normally square up against a thing and figure out what I need to do to make it work correctly. But I can't square up against an invisible opponent. You tell me I've won but the whole thing is mired in such darkness I can't even keep my footing. All I have to fall back on is your attitude, and that's crushed! You're fearful and think excluding me is the best course. That sure doesn't feel like winning. It's hard to feel you have nothing to worry about when everything you care about is crushed, fearful, and wants to exclude you.

"I know whatever happened is in the past, but it's hard to see it as in the past when you don't trust me in the present. I know it's not the case, but I feel like the prototypical idiot husband; so in love I never even considered the possibility of my wife's infidelity, until after some handsome rich guy has already stolen away the most important thing in my life."

Though Gwen didn't know it, her eyes had grown as wide as they'd ever been.

Lee forced a smile, "I know that isn't right Gwen, but at times it has me in its clutches. What's bad is that I fear ... I fear in your mind you know I don't equal him, that I don't measure up. And THAT's what you're protecting me from."

Gwen lunged forward, "NO! No, I tell you. You don't want to believe me now, but think: how can I do anything else but tell you the truth? Lee your fear is unfounded. You've nothing to fear that way."

She now grasped his hand in both of hers. "Lee. There's no affair. I'm with you! Right where I long to be!"

Lee's head rolled back facing the heavens, "Gwen, I know it isn't happening now, and that's a blessing. But it IS real, it did happen, just as this is happening to us. You were with him, and you are with me. So, I may not be losing you, but you do have those memories and you can't help but compare us. If he's so magnificent then you traded down with me, and I never wanted to do that to you. Also, Gwennie, this feels like you're protecting his memory at my expense. I'm feeling that very much in the here and now."

Gwen was staggered desperately searching for something to say. Lee spoke first.

"I thought we were a team, helping each other stand our highest. Now I wonder if I've ever been enough to have all of you. You've memories of him and his heights to show you my pinnacles are his inadequacies and vice versa. I'm kept in the dark about where I excel and where I need to work harder. As I don't know where to improve, why won't you eventually question everything and convince yourself you're in a deficit across the board. I remind myself this was a while ago, not a long time, but significantly before me. It's just I wanted to give you everything and give you my best and that must seem pretty meager, if not disappointing, compared to what you've already had and seen."

Tears flooded from Gwen's eyes now, she simply didn't have breath for words.

"I feel like I've failed you, Gwen. And I feel like a fool for ever having been proud of my progress. I thought I was beginning to soar in your eyes while you knew I was still toddling."

Gwen wanted to go to him, staying put after seeing his face, as he simply turned and left the yard. She let her words trail after him, knowing they would reach him ... eventually.

"None of that's true Lee. You've made my heart soar. You have all of it and all of me! Please take me everywhere you go, even to your dark places. I'm here for you when you want me again."

Lee was gone. Gwen heard the reason. The tryst was history; her keeping the secret from Lee was present. That was the fabric that enveloped them. She weighed running after him to tell him the secret, except to mention the name now might accidentally cement the terrible feelings and fears Lee just admitted having. None of his concerns about her past lover were true, though she had no idea how to convince him. She was a victim of keeping the secret from him; not trusting him, was causing him to doubt her. She hated her history. It was a spider web with new ways to envelope her around every bend.

After giving Lee time to sort his feelings, Gwen made a simple dinner they both picked at. They were quiet, but together. She stayed glued to him that night. After he finally drifted off into a fitful slumber, she rested her head on his chest trying to think it all through.

It'd been a quiet week, too quiet. Lee had been amiable, affable even, but not happy. Gwen knew the mere sparks she saw were Lee's high point now, far short of his typical fire. It had been a bad week for him. Comparison was the thief of joy. Lee's joy had been plucked, pilfered, and purloined.

Sunday morning Gwen rose not finding Lee in bed. Normally they'd have used the time for intimacy. She threw on a robe and went downstairs. She saw him sitting in the kitchen, a cup of coffee in one hand, eyes unfocused staring out into nothing. She could tell it was a lonely journey; he hadn't taken her with him.

Gwen regarded her husband for quite some time while quietly hidden on the stairs. She'd brought him to this. His love for her, his bravery, his saving her, his sacrifice for her, had brought him here to this dastardly recompense. She was sure he'd eventually be able to handle the space he was in. Shortly he'd reach out for her, and she'd give him the strength and love to overcome his terrible state. Except looking at where he was right now, she actually hated herself for a moment. She'd been selfish! She'd cost her wonderful husband badly. Gwen made a decision, sometimes we have to take a desperate chance.

Walking into the kitchen she pulled her chair beside his taking his non-coffee laden hand in both of hers. Speaking softly and slowly she told him, "You are the best man I have ever met.

"It's vital and so absolute in importance that you must know ... when I think of fantasy men, I think of you; not any past relationship, not even a famous one.

"That past time has haunted me. When folks find out then I'm not "me" anymore, folks only want me for a connection with fame. His fame drew me in as well. I went back for other reasons too, like he was never the jerk I expected a famous guy to be, but the main factor was the fame. So I get it. As much as I hate it, I understand what fame is ... and its power over people.

"I knew at the time I was never going to love him. Please know that my time with ... anyone famous wasn't about love. I was like anyone else then, a moth to flame. That's what all the people who find out are about too; once they hear of it, they keep after it until that damn flame burns me again ... as it has now. I guess it really isn't their fault; it's just the way it is. Except this time, it's burning you too, and you never made the mistake of being the moth.

"Please Lee, you've been my great escape from it all. You're my real world. Stepping out of life into a fantasy is great if it can be contained as a fantasy, as long as it doesn't begin to overshadow real life. But I want, and need, to live in the real world. The fantasy world can't compare to what you offered, gave, and continue to give me: a reality beyond my most desperate dream. Honesty and truly Lee, you've given me a reality that far surpasses that past fantasy. I'm not fighting to keep that past tryst a secret: I'm fighting to preserve us - to keep you. Please, please, let that past die!"

She found herself incapable of words when Lee turned to her.

"Gwen, I feel like the ground is sinking around me, the water is rising, and I'm losing my base; I have to know something."