Star Studded Pt. 02

Gwen felt there was a hidden message there, one she knew she had to unravel. There was something here she'd not gotten right. She knew it existed now; except she had no clue what it was.

"Haven't I just told you the most important thing?"

"Yes, you have. I love you and will defer, but this is a festering wound that seems to be getting worse. I implore you; I trust you; I don't want us to change, find what you CAN tell me, do it, then stop."

She could feel her brow wrinkle, "I-I thought I just did." She shook her head and said as if it explained their entire situation, "It's like a cancer and it spreads Lee. I need to tell as little as possible."

Lee's eyes closed for a second as he dealt with something important. Gwen saw and knew the key to reclaiming what they once had was connected to what Lee just felt. She was desperate to figure it out, and now she understood a little more.

Lee replied, "But love, please understand my predicament; apparently the cancer has been introduced and it's spreading. I don't have enough information to fight it. I don't know whether to use fire or ice, acid or base."

"I'm protecting you," she moaned.

He bowed his head. Gwen saw what she offered was not enough; her protection was toxic too. They held each other. She prayed she could figure it out.

"I'm trying Lee. I don't know if you can tell but I'm looking for cracks in this wall that I somehow built between us. I'm out here searching, but I haven't found the way through yet."

Her blood ran cold when she looked in his eyes: Lee felt she should've known all along. What the hell had she done?

* * * * *

Near the end of a surprisingly upbeat week Lee walked into their house after a day at the office. Strangely, he headed directly to the liquor cabinet, by-passing Gwen who was preparing ingredients for their dinner. He poured himself two fingers of an expensive Scotch he'd received for Christmas and saved for special occasions. That was even more unusual.

Gwen kept an eye on Lee as he shuffled over to the table and collapsed down in a chair. She washed her hands and went to him.

She made sure he saw her looking at the Scotch, "I figure this isn't a happy circumstance. What is the circumstance love?" Gwen was all too aware Lee never walked in without giving her a touch and a kiss.

Gwen could tell Lee wasn't angry, at least not at her. He looked tired, bedraggled, and worn. He starred into his Scotch absentmindedly.

Lee's head sagged. In a flat tone he asked, "Gwen, who're we talking about?"

Gwen fought to keep her own head from sagging. Damn, she'd thought Lee was doing alright with her revelation days ago, obviously he'd only been hiding it. She walked behind him draping her arms around him hugging him close.

"If I ever trusted anyone with this it would be you; you wouldn't be so star-struck as others." She held him tighter and kissed his ear. Standing, she told him the next part with great compassion, "You've seen his movies and liked him. I guess that's the good part. You're a real guy and he comes off that way too. You two are cut from the same cloth, there's no shocking revelation to his identity that will cause you trouble that there may be another side of me you don't know about, or that I compromised my basic values to be with him. Never think I was looking for any part of him in subsequent men. I was looking for you all along. He was just beautiful. And as a young girl with nothing better to do I allowed myself to be seduced." Quickly Gwen changed gears, "That's the wrong word! I wasn't seduced so much as intoxicated."

She stood looking at Lee with compassionate worried eyes as she told him, "I had nothing to concern me, no boyfriend at home, no attachment. I was just a well centered college freshman; I had no reason to say no. See?" She chewed her lip, "It's easy to go with the flow when you have no direction, anchor, or timeline; nothing to betray. I don't see what I did as a wrong, except maybe that we weren't married, though I never saw him as someone I would marry. What we were going to have was obviously limited to what was right in front of us; when it stopped, it would be over. Period. It was a pretty easy thing to step into because I could also step back out.

"You can wonder if that's tawdry though. I have since. I did then. I think it is now, although I didn't at the time. Although I wasn't betraying anyone else, the whole thing ended up not being good for me. The whole incident and what came later taught me a ton about life.

"So, the question becomes if I would've done it with anyone else? It was the perfect time for me to do something like that, but no one had shown up that made the prospect remotely appealing. I wasn't promiscuous. Back then if I had a partner that I cared enough about to French kiss I was gauging our possible future as to how far I should let him, and myself, go. I'm extremely selective. I wasn't a virgin, but I wasn't a slut."

She frowned, "Although perhaps my time with him was slutty. He was handsome and famous, I guess you could say my panties melted; simple as that. Would I have done something if he was not rich and famous, if it wasn't a glimpse inside the star-studded lifestyle?" Gwen grimaced, "Yeah, I think so. I didn't do it for the lifestyle; it wasn't like I went to fancy parties or got on TV or met many other celebs because of him. What I mean is, I wasn't mercenary about it. I wasn't trying to buy something with my body. I didn't expect him to make me a star or for him to give me entre to that world. But a glimpse of it was fascinating. Except I wouldn't have been that interested in glimpsing that, if it weren't for him. I was in it for him. But honey, he's not a real man. He's a creation, a fabrication."

Gwen paused desperate to find the right way to explain.

"He was honest, kind, and, well, had movie star good looks. And that's what I was in it for. The looks were the hook, but if he'd been a real shit I wouldn't have bitten. Then again, he was an actor so he could have tricked me. I don't think I was fooled. It didn't last because it had no chance to. So, it's not like I felt used. As far as that part goes, I knew exactly what I was getting into.

"I never thought he was going to marry me."

Lee jumped in, "And you never cared, right?"

Knowing Lee understood Gwen answered quietly, "No," hoping that would calm him. "I wasn't even sure he didn't have other girls at the same time. Frankly, I presumed they existed but were unavailable the times he called me."

"And you made sure not to ask, right?"

'Strike two against me,' Gwen thought; 'Lee understands this.' She answered him honestly, "No."

"You were just happy for any time you got with him and never told him 'No' to anything."

Her mouth screwed up into a little puckered ball as Lee continued.

"You just ate that up, feeling like you were floating on air; the luckiest woman on earth."

Her eyes widened with recognition; first that he understood so well and second that his understanding was not a good thing for her. She'd hoped her lack of emotion would help her case. Lee however was not calming down; he was cutting right to the heart of matters, and it was infuriating him. Although she wasn't entirely sure of the cause of his anger.

"Baby, Lee, please understand this, I was a different girl then, barely out of high school and a guy who'd been one of People's Sexist Men Alive was interested in me. It was surreal. I thought I was doing well to understand that it WAS going to be very short lived."

Gwen closed her eyes realizing that the Sexiest Man mention had to be knifing her beloved in both the heart and groin right now. The slip was stupid on her part. With terror she also realized Lee could go back and look at who'd won that award and know she'd been with one of them. She wasn't sure what assigning a face to her past would do to him. She had to make him understand she'd pick her husband ten out of ten times over ... that guy. Her nerves were now a jangled mess.

"H-Honey, h-he didn't ask me to do anything weird or even that wild.

"Have you ever told me 'No'?"

She had to think. "Actually Honey, um, no," she fumbled quicky realizing she literally had just told Lee "No". "I-I mean I haven't denied you. I haven't ... except for, well, that time of the month. I know you don't like that, but it hasn't really been a 'No' just a 'head's up.'"

"You had to think about my "No", but not his. I presume you've told other boyfriends 'No.'"

"I sure have!"

"So, it's just me and the Sexist Man Alive that shot through your defenses."

She started to affirm that and then rethought the wisdom.

"H-Honey ... I never loved him!" Her hands were shaking now. She could hear the pent-up tension, the rolling thunder, Lee was carrying with him in his voice. She was scared of its release, though even more scared to let it stay bottled up inside him.

"But you were immediately smitten with him, right?"

'Oh dear,' she thought. Her mouth stayed about a third open. Her lips were suddenly very dry, but she feared wetting them. A tongue licking lips could portray lust. She didn't dare give Lee any reason to think her past caused her to feel that emotion. She feared everything. Lee's voice developed an undertone that almost sounded menacing. She shook, clenching her eyes, and looking down. Wait, she couldn't let the idea he just voiced stay inside her man ripping him apart at the seams. She resolved if she had a bad time of it, so be it, she put this in Lee, she had to help him get it out.

"Let me ask you, Gwennie, did you ever spend more than one night in a row at his place?"

"Do you really want me to answer that?"

"Wow, that means yes."

Gwen felt the air catch in her lungs, the way he said it, that was a defeat for him. Damn she thought. This is a hell of a minefield.

"And spending more than one night you figured you were pretty popular with him."

Her eyebrows raised, wondering where he was going now.

"Was there another girl there too at that time?"

She squeaked out, "No."

"If there had been, you would have considered a threesome?"

"Yeah. Considered, yeah." She shook her head thinking bad thoughts about herself.

"Would you for me?"

"Oh shit, Lee. H-He didn't ask for that!"

"Yeah, well, I may."

Gwen tried to establish eye contact with her husband. She hated the idea of another girl with Lee. Hated it! She nodded so that he saw her answer. She would do about anything to keep him, even more to convince him she loved him. She gulped at her decision and was happy when he continued, ending the awkward time she was unable to speak, and filling the empty sounding space that now enveloped them.

"So, no other chick, just you and Mr. Sexy. I bet you were walking on air. I doubt I've ever done that to you."

Gwen couldn't believe he said that; he surely must not believe that. Her voice came pouring forth with much more passion than she expected, "You have! Absolutely you have! The night when I realized I was in love with you, and again when you asked me to marry you, and, and, and plenty of other times - honest. I don't know how to be more honest!"

"But you were walking on air with him and didn't need love to do it."

It was too late to deny it.

"And you knew him how long?"

"A-About three weeks. But he was gone all day even the times I ... saw him! And I sure didn't stay there that whole time."

"But if he'd woken up with you and asked you to marry him, even though you didn't love him, you couldn't have driven to Vegas fast enough."

Gwen trembled.

"You would've married him and worried about what your dad thought of it later."

Gwen thought, 'Damn it, he didn't ask what my mom would've thought!'

"Lee," Gwen dissolved. "I know how it looks because it IS what it looks like, but I assure you it's not one bit more. I wasn't a virgin, but I didn't have a ton of experience. Yet when I went with that guy, I knew he was going to have me. And I let him. I don't always like the word, but we fucked. We fucked up a storm. But it was all just physical sex, sex for recreation. The magic of it wasn't the coupling, it was all the window dressing, the improbable nature of it all. It was the hugest case of "how can this possibly be happening", and "how can it be happening to me" I'd ever faced. On top of that he was a great guy, or was to me, and I'm sorry I have to say that to you. But Lee, I knew what his interest was in me, how limited it was, and I still did it. I didn't expect more of it than it was. It wasn't anything more.

"That's what I meant by saying it doesn't put me in a good light. I'm so ashamed to say this to you of all people. Really, I-I was a slut. I was his slut. I was a slut for him. He treated me well; he didn't try to hurt or humiliate me. But I was there to be used sexually and I let him use me, that's what I mean by being a slut. We talked more than we did it, but he wouldn't have had me there unless he was going to fuck me. I know how ugly that looks now. I knew that before I met you. Now it's worse. Not just because I don't want to be a slut, because of you! You see me as so much more; you see me in ways I don't even see myself. You don't see me as a girl who would make that decision. I hate besmirching your image of me. I never made that sort of decision before or since. And my being with you is completely different."

Gwen stopped wild eyed. How could she make him understand?

"Baby, I'll be in a threesome if you need that. I'll even do things with the girl. That thought makes me want to puke, but I'll do whatever you command me to do, because you need to know I'm utterly yours, and because I'm desperate to prove myself! I don't need time to think about it. I have no desire to be with someone else. I do NOT want to be with another girl! I would do it for you! It would all be for you. What I'd get out of it is you. I'd do it hoping you could believe in me again."

Gwen ran her fingers though her hair willing herself to not go frantic. She nodded, slowing herself down taking long large inhalations.

"Lee, the things we did were all pretty conventional. There was nothing weird. You've done a lot more to me and taken me to places he never could. I was available to him, he made use of me. Yes, to our mutual satisfaction. Yes, I fucked him back. Yes, I came, though nothing compared to what you've made me feel. So, yes, I was a slut; a girl there for him to fuck when he wanted. Lee, maybe you don't see me that way, but I'm more available to you. I was not depraved, not with him. I wouldn't do that for him: he wasn't worth that. I-If you need me to be a slut for you to convince you, even depraved acts, I'll do it. If you need to debase me, I'm in. I'm already here for you to enjoy; I love that; I want that! So, whatever you cook up, whatever you want baby. No, hesitation, I'm game. Got it? The only possible hesitation I'd have would be thinking through how to make the experience what you need before jumping in."

Gwen dried her eyes, took another big breath and started in again, "The scenario you mentioned, who knows, maybe if he wanted me to be with him and another chick at the same time I could have. I don't know. I can say that a lot of what I liked about him, and what kept me around, was that he seemed so normal. Wanting a threesome doesn't sound normal. If he'd wanted that I'd have had to rethink things. If he'd wanted my ass I'd have walked right out. I was only in just so far. I didn't even reverse cowboy him. That seems pretty tame, we just didn't go that far."

Her eyes burned as she studied every inch of her husband. Had she made her point? Did he understand? Did it dull the sting?

"H-Have I explained it to you? He was famous. I was free. Why not? Although if I knew then what I do now, I would've run."

Gwen looked around, taking stock of her surroundings and situation. She trembled saying, "Don't you see where we are? Don't you see how it's warped you? Don't you see this is exactly what I feared. It's not that I didn't trust you, it's that I hate THIS.

"And Lee, I didn't ask my parents to hide my past from you. Tell me what parents want to tell their future son-in-law that the apple of his eye once willingly became a fuck bunny for some guy? That she willingly played the slut because a guy was famous.

"My parents saw how it broke me afterwards. They saw how other people changed towards me. They knew how I ran from it even trying to change identities. Years later they also saw your love regenerate me like a desert flower finally granted rain. They feel about you as I do, that you're a Godsend.

"They knew the subject of that time was absolutely off limits, not for you but for me. That moratorium went in effect way before I met you. They probably figured we had already talked about old lovers or decided not to. Parents bringing up the subject seems inappropriate at best.

"That's why they didn't take you into the inner circle as you called it. They saw the hypnotizing power of the vampire for what it was. Honey, vampires hypnotize you because you must invite the vampire in before it can attack you. I had no intentions of letting that monster come back to life.

"Lee, I've never been a disrespectful or problem girl. I think I understand what you're wondering. You're worried about how fast I jumped into his bed, compared how fast I jumped into yours. You think I held you to a higher standard than I held him. You think I made you prove yourself to me while it looks like he crooked his finger in my direction and I tore my clothes off running to him.

"I think your real question is whether I value him more than you. Perhaps a better question is how much I value you and our marriage. I told you I had nothing holding me back then; nothing and no one had any claim to me. That's not a happy place to be. So, I did what I did.

"You asked if I would've married him. There are other difficult questions you could ask. How could I find a better provider than a man who was already a millionaire? It would have been a life of luxury. So why, if it was offered, wouldn't I take it?"

Gwen watched her husband wince. This was tough medicine. He needed to wince a few times to realize that she'd walked away from everything the guy offered but that she'd crawl on her belly to get more of Lee.

She continued, "The answer is ugly, just like the rest of it, though it has a golden lining. The answer is that while I played the slut, I wasn't a whore. While I was willing to spend some days, and nights dammit, with him, I wasn't going to sell myself to him. I got what I gave. I didn't sell some important part of myself. I didn't compromise myself further than being vulnerable to wearing the celebrity slut label.

"But Lee, I wasn't in it to get something. I didn't trade myself or self-respect to get something from him. Marry him? For what? The lifestyle? I don't like the lifestyle, sampling the tamer side of it on a limited basis wasn't even why I did it. I was just shallow, he was neat, he was fun, he was famous, and forgive me Lee, he was beautiful. I was a young girl. I tripped up! I fell into his eyes knowing it meant falling into his bed. That's about it."

Lee was straining with the import and the mental image. Gwen softened her tone.

"I didn't want to stay with him. I didn't love him. I didn't and don't want to live with him. No, I wouldn't have married him! I have too much respect for the sacrament and institution despite what little respect I showed myself.

"The time with him was exciting. It was a lark, perhaps the ultimate lark. It wasn't, however, fulfilling. Instead of my time with him proving who I was, it burned into me what I wasn't. As a result, I then held myself to higher standards.

"Lee, I fell for you. I was praying you wanted me. I was putty in your hands whether you knew it or not. I wasn't trying to hold you back; I was trying to hold myself together around you. I was trying not to throw myself at you. Damn it, Lee, I still want to throw myself at you. Happily, I don't have to hold back now. I do throw myself at you! I'm desperate for your touch; I never was for his. The basis of my time with him was that it was all surprising, so unusual. It was such an unexpected bonanza. Lee, time with you is life, nothing short of life!"