Still & Always

"Me either, that's part of why I came. I can't blame you though- for thinking that way. I usually do have a motive that only benefits me most times. But this time I'm here because I have some apologies to make. The first one is to you."

"To me?"

"The judge asked me to marry him."

"Okay, congratulations. But I feel like I'm missing something."

"I didn't give him an answer yet. He lost his wife too, but him and his daughters talk about her all the time. It's healed them. When Pietro died I bottled him up. I'm sorry for that. He died and I locked him away. I had to keep going, I had to function. Remembering was so damned hard, seeing his face in yours was harder still. I abandoned you and I took you away from his family, your family. I took him away from you twice by doing that and for that I am so sorry. I came here to remember, to make peace, and to let my Pietro go."

"It's okay Mama, I'm okay and I get it." And she did. She didn't know if she could survive losing Carlos.

"It met your father right here, did you know that? The debutant and the cow hand they called us. I miss him so much."

"Yea he told me once when I was a little kid. I miss him too, but here it doesn't hurt quite as bad." Carlos picked that moment to join us.

"Carlos, something is different about Rory. Since she's been here something has changed," Clara declared while we ate dinner.

"I haven't done anything different, my hair is longer."

"She's less of a brat," Carlos said with a wink.

"No, I'm serious Carlos. But really, she seems calmer, more mature, and at peace," Clara said.

I only smile at her observation.

"Oh my, I know what it is. You're in love!" Clara exclaimed knowingly.

Then my smile turns into a blush.

"Tell me about him," Clara demanded gently.

"Yes, tell us. I'm all ears," Carlos intoned.

"Does he make you happy? The man you're seeing?" Clara asked hopefully.

"He's handsome, smart, and strong. He lets me get my way on most things but he calls me out, in a good way, when I need it. And yes, he makes me happy. He makes me feel beautiful on the inside, healed, and whole. He's very special to me," I answer quietly.

"He sounds like quite a guy. I'm sure he knows that he's the luckiest man in the world to have you," Carlos said. His voice uncharacteristically gruff.

"True love always changes you for the better. I think it's because we want to be the version of ourselves that they see. No matter what happens hold on to that. There is nothing more beautiful than to love and be loved in return. You should come with me to meet your family. Your abuela lives just over the rise," Clara said pointing in the distance.

"Of course I'd love to meet them. Jorge, one of the hands, said he knew Papa as a boy."

"Jorge is your great uncle. We'll go tomorrow then I'll bring you back and head back to Dallas afterwards."

"Okay mama, sounds good."

"Good night Uncle Carlos. Mom, I'll see you in the morning," I say as we both head upstairs to our rooms.

My room feels strange now, small, empty, and unfamiliar. Over the past months Carlos and I have entertained no pretense of maintaining separate bedrooms. Often reaching for each other multiple times a night, we wouldn't get the little sleep we manage to get if we slept separately.

I wake up to familiar hands caressing my thighs. I'd know his touch anywhere.

"What are you doing?" I ask sleepily.

"I missed having you next to me."

"I missed you too but your sister is in the room right next door!"

"I know, but I'm going to make love to my woman, so that just means you'll need to be very quiet so we don't get caught," Carlos whispered with his head between my thighs. I spread my legs wider making room for him completely unable to deny him access to me no matter what the risk.

* * * * **

I find Carlos in the kitchen when I return from visiting my family.

"So how was it meeting the Garcia clan?" He asked.

"It was amazing. There were so many people. There was laughter and tears, stories and dancing. There was so much food. So much happiness and joy," I answer but my thoughts trail off. I've been anxious throughout the short drive back, fighting back this nagging feeling of impending doom.

"You don't seem happy, baby. What's wrong?"

"You knew we'd only have this time and you weren't going to say anything?" I accused with trembling lips.

"I didn't say anything because you weren't ready to see it. I needed you to understand for yourself that our roots run long and deep here. No one would accept what we're doing. No one would understand."

And I know now that he's right. We're both entrenched in this place by family and history. The only way for the overwhelming, enduring love that we feel for each other to exist without corruption by the judgement of others is behind closed doors, in secret. "So what do we do now?"

"We do exactly what we've been doing. We love each other every second, every minute, every hour, everyday until you have to leave," he says as he pulls me into his arms where I lay my head on his chest and listen to the steady beat of his heart while he breathes in the scent of my hair.

"And after that?"

"We live our lives. We find other loves. And we remember that true love, our love will not yield to circumstance or time," Carlos answered as he sealed his lips, his body, and his soul perfectly to mine.

* * * * *

We go riding on horseback on the cooler evenings. It seems innocuous enough that my uncle might want to show me the land and layout of our family home. Out here we lie in fields of evening primrose without prying eyes to watch and wonder on the true nature of our relationship. Our time together is growing shorter with December 31st being only three short weeks away. Thoughts of that date linger with both of us and never fail to alter the mood.

"I feel sorry for the people who will love us. What can we give them Carlos? What can I promise another man when I have already yielded everything to you?"

I link my hands with hers as we lie naked on a blanket in the field of wildflowers hidden from the rest of the world. The days are shorter now as summer has finally given way to fall. We spend countless hours this way: cocooned with each other, hands linked, talking, making love, and dreaming of a life where we could work. A life where we don't have to face an inevitable parting.

"I don't know. We offer the best we can."

"You make this all sound so simple," she scoffed bitterly.

"Do, I? What good does it do to tell you that I wake up some nights in a panic thinking you're already gone? What good does it do to tell you that I dread the thought of this place, my very existence without you? Or that knowing I can't marry you or have you carry our child makes my soul sick, or that the thought of not being able to touch you, make love to you, or hold you in my arms again seems like death itself? Why would I say those things when all they can do is hurt you?

My only response is to hold him tighter, to kiss away his tears even as mine fall. His fears mirror my own. "Who says we have to end it? I ask desperately, grasping at straws.

"Aurora, my heart, do you know what you're asking? Look at us. We have tunnel vision as it is. We can't keep our eyes or our hands off of each other. Some of my men suspect, but they won't dare say anything. The others don't see it because they don't want to see it. We couldn't keep this a secret from those closest to us, Rory. Are you prepared for that? Are you prepared to get questioned by your mother, our parents, your abuela?"

"No, I'm not. I'm not ashamed of it, but I know that they would subvert what we feel for each other and twist into something sordid and dirty. I don't see you as my uncle. You're my soulmate, my lover, my confidant, the husband of my heart. I love you with every single part of me Carlos, but I don't want a life where we have to cheat, sneak, and lie. That would corrupt this beautiful thing between us and turn it into what outsiders would believe us to be. Is it crazy for me to think this way?"

"No, it's not crazy at all, I say as I smooth her hair from her face. When you first came here that was my hope for you; that you would really see yourself. Beyond your face, beyond your body and know that you deserve the best a man has to offer not just sex. You deserve everything, not parts and pieces. That's the rule and I'm not the exception. I want you to be happy, wife of my heart. Promise me you'll let yourself be happy. Promise me you'll let someone else love you."

I nod my head, incapable of speech. But words aren't necessary in this space because our bodies speak a language that is timeless. I rise over him, accepting his body into mine, loving him past my fear, my uncertainty, and my doubt in an endless field of flowers under the light of a billion stars.

* * * * *

Many things would happen before I would go back to my Uncle Carlos' ranch. I would start my business as I had planned, I would graduate from college, and I would meet and eventually marry an engineer named David. David is good, kind, loving, and generous with his affection. He would help ease the ache that Carlos had left behind, making it manageable though still ever present.

Carlos would continue working at his ranch. His days would be even longer now. Even his men worried that he worked too hard. He knew he pushed too hard, but the memories of Rory gnawed at him until he met Ellery. Ellery was a young veterinarian who shared his love of open spaces and rural life. They would marry under a tent on the ranch with their families in attendance.

"I told you, you would make an amazing husband someday, '' Rory said as she walked up behind me.

"Hey beautiful," I whisper, pulling her close. My heart thunders in my chest as every fiber of my being awakens for her.

"God, I've missed you," we both whisper in unison.

We both pull apart slightly to look into each other's eyes to see the regret, the longing, and the love mirrored back at us. I pull her back against my chest, breathing in the scent of her hair and for once this crazy universe seems to be on board as the band starts to play Frank Sinatra's The Way You Look Tonight...

Someday, when I'm awfully low

And the world is cold

I will feel a glow just thinking of you

And the way you look tonight

Yes, you're lovely

With your smile so warm, and your cheek so soft

There is nothing for me but to love you

Just the way you look tonight

With each word your tenderness grows

Tearing my fear apart

And that smile that wrinkles your nose

Touches my foolish heart

Lovely, never, never change

Keep that breathless charm

Won't you please arrange it, 'cause I love you

Just the way you look tonight

Just the way you look tonight

And we dance, swaying gently to the music as if there is not another soul in the world let alone the space. For in those brief moments she is mine again completely and I am hers. When the music ends, we step apart reluctantly and as she turns to walk away to rejoin her husband I grab her hand and I ask her one word, one question for it's the only thing that matters.

"Still?" I ask quietly.

Without question or hesitation she understands as she raises her blue-gray eyes to mine and answers, "Always."

And as decades pass, punctuated by weddings, reunions, births, and death these two words would be exchanged interchangeably between the lovers as their way to honor a forbidden love that did not yield to circumstance or to time. Still existing, still enduring. Always.