by BigMadStork
It's an OK read but definitely needs more work. I felt like the intro needed more. More background for the MC and his sister. There's practically no history explained as to why his sister hated him besides from that her so-called bf ie hiscex said so. And that bit about his sister finding him in her house and starting to kick him doesn't seem to fit. There are more things. But I'll leave it at that for now.
This story has unfulfilled potential. The author fairly well describes the aftermath of a hurricane, including the rebuilding efforts, but the main protagonist, Hunter, is too much of a super-human sex machine. At least he didn't have the customary 8" dick. There are also too many characters in this story...
The story doesn't make sense but the sex is hot. I love swinger stories. More please.
You have a good base for a story but it needs a good bit of work. The are a lot of mistakes that need to be fixed. This really needed to be ran by an editor first. Sexondly the flow is off and it takes you out of the story way to often.
you seriously need to go back to school if you think when a man and woman have sex she enters him as you start off when he gets a massage and she stradels him.
And little makes any sense. Your use of 1st person POV and then changing it masks any real plot. Then despite being supposedly that person we never find out anything. I wish people would just write in 3rd person POV as they rarely do a decent job of it. 1st person means we are in that persons mind and should be told things that they think and know. Besides I hate changing POV, but really tried to read this as it could have been a good story.
Should have let us know by now why she always hated him, and why she thought he was a crap person.
Then the attitude of nurses at hospital was stupid as they supposedly had no idea who she was, and he apparently was unconscious so could not have said anything.
I like the story. The dialogue is a bit mechanical but I got through it. I normally don’t like it when there are so many characters. It tends to muddy up the flow, but it works in this case.
Regarding the dialogue, it feels like the author writes what they want the characters to say rather than how they would say it in normal conversation. It makes it feel like all the characters communicate like the robot from lost in space. Part of the issue is the reader often is given little context behind the characters emotions driving what they’re saying. Keep writing, though. I’m not complaining about a good story that cost me nothing. I’m just giving my perspective hoping it helps you become even better.
I stopped reading when Mandy said she would cheat on her husband to reward Hunter with sex. This weird tragedy fantasy became too stupid for me to suspend my disbelief. I'm supposed to believe that Hunter is a decent guy even though he commits adultery with Mandy? Nope. Too dumb. Just way too stupid for this to be a good story.
Now this is very good😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍. Can't wait for chapter 2💕💕💕💕💕💕👍👍👍👍👍👍
...but I'm not sure about the working and starving himself in the beginning. I like that Hunter was being paid with pussy. I can't wait for Lisa to get some and find out what she does to her friend/Hunters ex.
I enjoyed every line of the story and can't wait for Storm Damage Pt. 2
But when there is more to it and we’ll written, they’re great. Can’t wait until next chapter.
Having gone through hurricane Andrew in S, Fla. in 92 this has many memories, none as good as what is going on here. Being a firefighter and electrician on my off duty days, I worked in, with, and through a lot of devastation. This story leaves a lot of misery and hardship out and material for rebuilding is magically available but this is fantasy with a touch of truth in it. I sympathize with the characters non the less. Looking forward to the next chapter.
I'm enjoying this story so far and it is a nice change that you didn't jump right into the incest. I know it is coming a very much am looking forward to seeing it but I like the way you are holding it back.
I loved the sex in the story but it was kind of difficult to keep the names of the characters straight in my mind. I'm also looking forward to finally reading some hot incest in the next chapter.
This is a really good read so far and I am hoping we get to some juicy incest soon.