All Comments on 'Stormwatch - A Party of Four'

Just a head's up..Josh turns into Jake in paragraph seven of page one.

Great story. I see room for another chapter.

That was a wonderful addition to their story. Thanks

@Anonymous - thank you! I'll wait for any more steely eyed readers inputs before submitting the editing changes. (I KNEW having 2 characters with similar names was a bad idea. I'm having trouble with Victoria and Veronica also)

@FillDirtWanted - I have four in the works, I'm hoping one will be a contest entry.

@ender2k2k - Thank you!

It is developing nicely and the characters are becoming ever more three dimensional. This could have room to continue and expand, especially dealing with history and trauma. I think there is also a back story with Josh’s relationship with the doctors. (More notes in Email)

It is extremely disorienting to have the story with present tense and past tense all mixed together. You tend to tell the story in past tense but any background info or description of a character is in present tense. Why not put it ALL in past tense?

Joe took Sue to the store. Sue WAS a striking blonde.

Not: Joe took Sue to the store. Sue is a striking blonde. ( Two tenses in one paragraph. )

Dude. I'm on page 4 and enjoying a lot of this, but fer God's sake... show don't tell! I mean. You literally just shoehorned in an explanation of why Veronica's (previously unmentioned) sister Maurene having a baby named Jameson might be painful...and in that shoehorned bit of exposition we learned that Veronica had been engaged, and was abandoned at the altar! Prior to this, including when Josh was thinking about her past relationships, and Veronica was thinking about them, there was no indication of any kind of past engagement, or anything. Just "she dated rich guys". Those moments were occasions in which you could have shown us, rather than told us (it's an expression, you're telling us either way) about Veronica's sister, her ex fiance, etc. Still enjoying the story, I just keep getting thrown out of it by the clunky bits of exposition. Again, show, don't tell. And your tenses jump around a bit too much, while I'm kvetching. Still, it's sweet enough to hold my interest. Indeed, that's why the issues bug me. This could be a spectacular story, I believe.

Ohh. I see. This is only the latest entry in their tale. Makes Josh's insecurity seem a little off, but I'll go read those now. I'm excited!

Stopped reading when she said she had a female lover but that was cool.

Was enjoying it up until then.

Same gender sex is fine, opposite gender sex would be cheating and a deal breaker. Whatever.

You kept switching between present and past tense. I found it unreadable.

Great ... MORE ! She still needs to hear his greatest war story.

Again you hit it right. Mica has faced her demons BUT Josh hasn’t . Wonder what will trigger his demon? A wedding to plan? Can’t wait for next chapter, Either you’re from a military family or you served. Well done my man!!!

Switching of tenses . General choppiness and bouncing about. I only managed 2 pages.

Josh's demons will get exposed, but that's currently 4 more chapters down the road

A little sappy, and the people are a bit two-dimensionally perfect, but its a good story, and the descriptions are good.

Hard to read. The tense shifting continues, despite the fact that it has been mentioned to you in the prior installments and acknowledged by as an issue, indicating that you don't really care to spend the time to get it right. Introducing a ton of new characters all at once, and all with complicated, interlocking relationships, was confusing. Dropping in the female lover out of nowhere. And the repetition of the main characters' insecurities. There's a nice story in there, but you make it tough to get through. Would have been a 5, considered 3, ended at 4.

Don't care how this nice "romance" ended. I stopped reading within page 4 when she revealed that she has a lesbian lover, and he said that he would be okay with the occasional trysts. I really hate "romances" that are not monogamous and have wimps who are okay with that.

I keep seeing the same comments with no apparent attempt to improve. If there are more chapters I'll take a look, but, really 'constructive criticism' means take a look. You have a good story line going, make it fun (easy) to read.

Great story!

5

Tense and pronoun confusion makes it hard yo follow on occasion, but well written. I'm handicapped by my conviction that cheating is cheating, so deduct scoring points no matter the genders involved.

Hey, Anonymous - there was no cheating in this story. I think you owe me a re-read and a profound apology

Rather marvelous. Perfect continuation to the first part. Right up to the line with sweetness. Any more might be too much, but so right.

Loved reading this story and how the characters came together, loved the romantic scene

I forgot who won baby race. ANDI did. Very nice reread of this chapter.

It was so good to be back with Paul, Andi and all the family. This was a tear jerker from start to finish...and there is another part to go. Thanks!

Great story,but in Andi’s story, they mentioned Veronica using the springed floor for practice a year before going to Paul and Andi’s house