All Comments on 'Stranger at the Hyatt'

N/T

I wrote the first couple drafts in first person, but didn't like the way it flowed. I wanted more emphasis on the story, and less on the character. Here, I was trying to show that if we get too greedy in a relationship, or are too submissive, that we are left unsatisfied. But, when we follow our heart, the relationship flourishes. Probably too big of an undertaking for a rookie!!! Anyway, I appreciate the comment.

The story is incredibly erotic, but its kind of complicated to follow. Maybe should break up into chapters. I do really like the way it all comes back together at the end. Worth the time to work through it.

Near the end you start switching back and forth between making the main character the woman in the story or the reader. It makes me suspect that you got bored with the story and just copied and pasted a rushed sex scene onto the end. The massages had long drawn out descriptions, but when the lead male finally entered the room, he took off his sandals and the sex was over almost as quickly. Or maybe it just felt that way because the switching point of view made it impossible to get involved in the story. Seriously, was the end of the story something you had written to be part of a text with audio story that you decided to just paste there for an ending?

Near the end you start switching back and forth between making the main character the woman in the story or the reader. It makes me suspect that you got bored with the story and just copied and pasted a rushed sex scene onto the end. The massages had long drawn out descriptions, but when the lead male finally entered the room, he took off his sandals and the sex was over almost as quickly. Or maybe it just felt that way because the switching point of view made it impossible to get involved in the story. Seriously, was the end of the story something you had written to be part of a text with audio story that you decided to just paste there for an ending?

This was one of my very first stories, and I think the only one I ever wrote in the 2nd person. And, it is a really complicated "plot" (I used that VERY loosely!). I just re-read it. Kind of a mess. I switch tenses randomly. Change voice. Use a "narrator" off and on. Just a stange mess. So, I give you credit for making it all the way to the end. I think the "pool" stories are OK, but my favorite is the "Apartment" one. You don't have your comments turned on, so hope you see this. You can always email me at tustin92614@yahoo.com.