All Comments on 'Strictly Business'

I'm going to hold off voting on this story till I see the rest of it. I have a feeling I'm ether going to love it or hate it.

Interesting premise. I hope the hero doesn't wimp out. He can always go to Ron's wife to exact a little revenge.

Boyd

Don't read thos story. It starts out with ANOTHER damned ex-Seal superman. I went no further in the text. There was no point. I wish every time a story started out that way the writer was required to deposit a dime in every LE reader's checking account. We'd all be rich. Writer! Kill off these Seals and find a story worth telling.

The story has a "slight" slant to it.

In most of those "superman military" stories the husband is always the last to know and is almost always ambushed by the wife having his boss as her lover. Then when he finds out he kicks much butt.

But in this one they both are SEAL's. That makes for an intresting twist. But if that isn't enough, the husband already knew his wife was pregnant with another man's child before he married her. He only married her because he was trying take care of a child that wasn't his and he couldn't let the baby grow up with major problems (single parent, father from a divorce, no financial future, etc) from day one like he did. So he knew some of this going into the marriage and that he was "possibly" marrying someone who couldn't be faithful, but he still only got married to make sure the child had a stable life. I mean he was marrying his bosses "mistress", to keep the boss from getting divorced, and from his boss losing his business in the process.

That in itself takes more balls than I, or most men, will ever have. But right now the story could go either way. For now you have a strong male lead willing taking a bullet for the team because he wanted to make sure the child was taken care of and not placed in the middle of a huge mess. But hopefully he isn't willing to catch all the bullets shot out of the gun regardless of who fires them. I hope that this isn't another "husband sits in the corner while the wife sleeps around and he's just happy he's not left alone by himself" story.

But I'll wait to see how it pan's out before I make up my mind.

>=)

-Risq

I too had to roll my eyes at the Navy Seal thing, but read on anyway. So far pleasant reading. The 'no good deed goes unpunished' genre needs more stories! I trust we will not be waiting too long between chapters.

The circumstances of their getting married was something new (at least for me).

It looks like he made a genuine effort to be a good husband. I can't say whether I will like the rest of it until I see it, but all in all, a good start.

The writing is pretty good for a first effort. Some of the paragraphs are a little long - generally the guideline for online stories is eight lines max per paragraph. The current thinking is two spaces between sentences. Dialogue is pretty good.

Regards, DJ (Dynamite Jack)

I urge you to finish before you submit. If you want to parcel it out that's your choice. But if you don't know the end, you're likely to write something that makes a good ending impossible.

ok, so its a cliffhanger. i dislike cliffhangers.

anyways, he is a poor ex-military. he agrees to get into undertake a major role w/o any compensation? if he barely makes enough as a single man, how can he support a wife and kid? hmmm, for an ex-seal, not much common sense on him.

there was no real reason to stop the story, other than to tease or torment the reader. Readers don't really go for that. If it had been a few pages longer, breaking it up would have been fine. I'll keep reading.

Writer - nice work to date in an arena tough for new angles. My gut feel is that there will be some final respect between mistress and hubby.

That the consequence will fall seems quite certain on the boss in some fashion and it may also impact his wife who now subtly watches him for now not mysterious reasons.

I guess it depends if the boss and her had continued their relationship in any way or if it is now supposed to start again but may not by her quiet introspection.

Interesting Writer and a very good first start - as they say - so far. Oh, there are no wimps in the word respect.

With Pending High Regard

why bother writing half, or less, of a story?

What is wrong with writing a complete story and posting the bloody thing?

SHEESH!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

so far so good...

The author clearly wnats us to think this

the hubby clearly did not think this through all the way. he thought he was Helping out his boss a woman that made 1 mistake that resulted in the peganancy...

the author WANTS us to think...

1) Boss is still fucking Holly... and that this was part of plan from the Beginning OR

2) that the boss and Holly developed this plan once they realized the main guy in this story was a douche bag

But really what is the SURPRISE he overheard?

sounds Like A BIRTHDAY SURPRISE PARTY to me

..."Holly how are you, how's Marie?" I waited at the door smiling now, thinking of my wife and daughter. "Are things going as planed?" What plan? I thought.

(...surprise party)

I wasn't smiling anymore. I stepped into the office. "Holly is Rob suspecting any thing?"

( again so what? )

I quietly laid the paperwork on his desk along with my heart and left. That shoe I had been waiting for had come up from behind and squashed me like a bug on a sidewalk. What the fuck now!

This last bit IMO was over done

I felt I should comment on the lenth of the story, I do apologize for the lenth the story. as this is my first post I had no way to determine how the number of pages in M S word would translate to pages on lit. the second part is posted and pending. I thoght the story would have been about 2 pages, boy was I wrong, i apprecate all your comments and will try to do better as I learn the mechanics of this site LYG

I'm enjoying this. The suspence is building slowly and I'm sure that many are awaiting the next chapter in this tale. Good job so far and welcome to Literotica.

A surprise Birthday party and he is going to get it all twisted. You just hope Holly and Ron can untwist it before he does something dumb,

Good start, waiting for the next chapter!!.

Christ on a stick! You guys would piss and moan about anything!!

So it's a little short---so what?? The mans new and doing a very credible job but you nit pickers have to gripe and withhold a proper rating.

BFD

Like it so far.

I want to see another chapter before I cast a vote. It looks good so far and I hope to see a logical conclusion. Try not to reply to the anonymouse trolls out there, you might consider adding a explaination paragraph to the next chapter. Thanks for the effort and keep on writing.

Thought for you - placing the report (with his heart) on the desk gives Ron something to think about. When was that put here? Doubt any former SEAL would have such a poor command of tactics.

I'm eager to see what will happen next--and that's the mark of a good story!

Thanks for writing--

ohio

If you're so great and know it all why don't you pussy men write something yourselves. I like it and I gave it a "5". He wrote the story, he developed the character and he left me wanting to read the next part(s). So all of you pussies, moaners and other assorted literary critics can go fuck yourselves.

It's sure got my attention - can't wait for Chap 2

You are off to a great start! Some nice foreshadowing and an interesting emotional dynamic. My only "complaint" at this point is that you have not done much to flesh out Holly's character. Maybe that will come out as the story develops.

Looking forward to more....

No doubt not what we expect.

please let there be a part 2..

of an egotistical revenge piece of crap. You know, the ones where the ex-Navy SEAL, Delta Force, Marine Recon, Boy Scout knot tying baffoon ends up wreaking havoc on all those around him.

If it turns out differently please accept my profuse apologies and I will comment as such in part two. If it is as I have described above please take up another hobby. We are getting sick of this same old crap

A nice sweet story of two people unexpectedly finding love. However, I agree with the earlier comment that throwing in the near cliche of the Navy SEAL background was unnecessary to the story.

On an ironic note, how is it that Holly who wouldn't give up the child because of her strict moral upbringing, had an affair with a married man and then married someone in what was to be a marriage of convenience to satisfy her parents and which was to be dissolved at some future time? What happened to the rest of her moral upbringing? An exploration of her mentality, inner conflicts, and self justifications would have been a good addition to the story.

Yes, the potential is there. Is Ron still bopping Holly on the side? That last paragraph really set off some fireworks. What is really going on? Only time, and this potentially great author, know for sure.

OH, try proof-reading your copy, or do it more carefully. It appears you "drop" words (think them but do not type them) and it hurts the flow of your work.

Len Bee

Nicely ambiguous closing to leave us hanging over a cliff!

Rob talks of honor at he exact time he is deceiving his friends wife. There is no honor there. She has never done anything to him for his part in their betrayal. Good story. Whatever happens to Rob I have no sympathy for him, he cheated as if he was married to Ron's wife.

Nice build up and good cliff hanging

Let's see where you fo with it -

Can't wait to read part two.

With the navy seals. Is ANYONE in America NOT an ex-seal? One thing is for certain. If you EVER have to go into combat, DO NOT go with a navy seal, because, according to all these stories, they are completely incapable of seeing an ambush coming. Go into battle with a seal behind you, and you are as good as dead! You will be surrounded by 200 tanks, and an aircraft carrier will fall out of the sky right over your head!

Who would want to be a seal, anyway? Apparently, ALL their wives cheat and set them up! Ridiculous premise.

Funny how it is Navy SEALs that have cheating wives all the time, you almost never see green berets (US Army Special Forces) or Marine Force Recon or any other SOCOM troops have that.

Makes me wonder what SEALs did to get on the Lit. writers shit list?

unbelievable

"....Is ANYONE in America NOT an ex-seal?...."

I'm a WALRUS myself. "Wimpy Ass :Lazy Redundant Ubiquitous Slob"

It is possible.

“She had been raised in a strict moral fashion.” – But that didn’t stop her from fucking a married man, though, did it?

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Strict moral standard but screws a much older married man the first time they meet. Guess that is how very religious parents tell their daughters to thank someone for helping out with a little car trouble.

Does one get bj for opening a door??????

He married a girl out of the blue and accept the child of another one without bad feelings?? Thats not reality!!!

great start, but the finish, could be a good one.....bill

, as far as I know, premise.

That ending is just contrived drama bait, propably some big misunderstanding that only works by giving one or more characters the idiot ball.

Pretty good for first effort. Looking for equally good part two.

A guy takes a girl knocked up by another guy without any compensation.

What a foolish idea! Was that a topic for a LW Twilight Zone?

Who has been giving high scores to this drivel?

The only comment I would suggest is not having two characters with such similar names that it could easily be confused, unless of course this has some hidden meaning important to the story to be revealed in part 2.

Another whiny, childish rant by Dark2Dumbass2

... to buy, most certainly.

But I do sincerely like the shot to the solar plexus for a cliffhanger! There's a wake-up call, or better yet, a good hard slap across the kisser to get my attention!

Great start, great first story, but I don't think you'll go far as an author.

umm what time did this take place? bc why does she need to be married? if the boss man is going to pay everything then she doesnt need a husband maybe a nanny the the boss man pays for. so unless this takes place back when u were hanged for having a child out of wedlock it doesnt make any sense

Interesting...very interesting.

I thought this Holly was pregnant... what is she doing drinking alcohol?... Why is Rob so in debt with student loans?... first off, he spent 10 years in the Navy, they would pay for his MBA when he left... second, a MBA only takes 2 years after your BA... unless he was going to Wharton or some ivy league school the tuition would not be that horrendous... and finally, the payments on student loans are based on your income so you are not so indebted you can't live and if they are too high you can easily ask for deferments or restructuring so your payments are less burdensome... you need someone to proof-read or edit your stories.

Just started reading this. Seems strange that the impregnated girl wants to carry and keep the child because of her moral upbringing. Such would usually include not to fuck the married boss in the first place. Did he rape her? Perhaps there will be an explanation later, otherwise this is kind of contradictory.

Oh please.

Exceptionally creative plot and well executed.

that no-one proof read this

Very good start, it's a very interesting concept, I look forward to reading more. I appreciate your and your Muse's imagination and abilities to bring it to your story. Thank you for sharing your vision and talents.

great setup and cliffhanger