Study Buddy Pt. 01

"Overrated! Look, the dude has to have enough balls to face rejection. Doesn't mean he gets to be an ass or a bore. I want guys who are interested in me more than themselves. To be honest, it's why we have no problem hanging out with you tonight. You just don't think that highly of yourself," Karen added.

"But you want him to initiate, right?" I asked, getting to the heart of my issue.

"I'm not going to go pickup guys at a club, however if I like a guy, I will flirt or tease to send signals that I'm interested. But I'm not going to throw myself at him. He has to respond, to make a move. Oh shit! Now I get why you're still hung up on Carol. Dude, I'm so sorry. I never even thought about that. Even after she started dating Bill. Rob, she was still into you, but just taunting you about it. You had no chance," Michelle apologized.

We went to one other club and I drove the four girls back to the dorm. I danced with all four. Had a few beers. Got lots of food for thought. But I didn't know what to do. I truly appreciated the girls' insights. And I knew that I had to overcome my fears, but I had no idea how.

---

The next Monday I met with Sandy after class.

"Rob, what are you doing Wednesday evening?" she asked.

"Not much, why do you ask?"

"How about coming over for dinner?" she offered.

"Does that mean I get to meet Brian and Heather? Is that ok?"

"Actually Brian wants to meet you. He suggested it," she shared.

"The dumb kid who is infatuated with his wife? Right. That makes no sense. But I'll still come. Although I have no idea why except that my friend asked me."

She gave me directions and said I should arrive at about 6pm.

"Did you go out with 'the girls' yet?" she asked.

"Yes. I learned some things but I'm still confused as hell."

"Maybe you can tell me about it on Wednesday," she offered.

Now I was really confused. I decided to just see what happened.

"Ok see you Wednesday!" I said as we parted company.

On Wednesday evening I drove to Broken Arrow. As I pulled up to Sandy's home I noticed a newer build in a tract division, with some toys in the front yard. There were two cars, Sandy's Chevy and a Ford pickup which I assumed was Brian's. I parked and walked up to the door and rang the bell. A minute later the door opened, and Sandy greeted me with a hug.

"I really didn't think you'd come, but I'm so glad you did. Let me introduce you to Brian," she said as she drug me by the hand into the house. We went towards the back of the house until we entered a large family room. A man I assumed to be Brian stood up from his chair where he had been reading.

"Brian Singleton. You must be Rob." he said as he offered his hand.

"Nice to finally meet you, Sandy talks about you sometimes."

Brian was a little taller than me. He had dark hair with a touch of gray, and was about my size but heavier. I mean he had to weigh 220 or more. It was clear that when he was in shape he had been impressive. I suspected that office work had caused him to lose his fit. I knew he was a lawyer. Sandy said she had to finish dinner and left me with Brian.

"So what are you studying, Rob?" he asked.

"My current major is music composition, but it will be changing to information systems. It's a long story. Kind of a whole thing actually. Not proud of it," I sighed.

"We have a few minutes until dinner, please fill me in," He said.

I told him the whole story. When I got to the part about being Saul Marantz, he got excited. He let me finish and then he asked me to follow him. We went downstairs to a room with a killer stereo, including a 250 watt Marantz power amp, pre-amp, and Klipsch Lascala speakers. Color me impressed. His setup was very high end.

"D'ya get this stuff at Imperial Sound?" I inquired.

"Yeah a buddy of mine works there, Dave. He got me setup really well."

"I know Dave, he sold me some speakers last summer. Nice guy," I added.

I immediately started looking at Brian's huge record collection. I had a couple hundred albums, Brian had at least two thousand.

He asked me about my musical tastes and I told him that I had grown up listening to classical and jazz but got an AM radio when I was five and was completely blown away the first time I heard "Frankenstein" by the Edgar Winter group, and as I was old enough to buy my own albums had gotten into progressive rock and recently started exploring jazz rock fusion.

"What's your favorite group and album?" he asked.

"Probably Relayer by Yes or Romantic Warrior by Return to Forever,'' I replied.

"Wow, I wouldn't have expected that." Brian pulled the album out and put a disc on a turntable and turned on the system.

After a few minutes of listening to Wired by Jeff Beck, Sandy came down and called us up for dinner. When we got to the table Heather was sitting down and very precociously asked, "Do you go to school with my mom?"

"Yes, my name is Rob and your mom and I have one class together. In fact we are working on a project together, which is I guess why I got invited to dinner. By the way, thanks for that, Brian. Sandy said this was your idea?" I said.

"What's a project?" Heather asked.

"Do you get assignments at your school, Heather?" I asked and she nodded, "A project is like a big assignment that takes a long time and more than one person works on it. Does that make sense?"

"I guess so." She replied and was quiet.

Sandy had served up dinner and we tucked in to eat without too much conversation. Brian talked a little about his work with mineral rights contracts, which was fascinating to me. Sandy talked a little about her PTA activities at Heather's school and some other neighborhood social things.

After dinner, Sandy helped Heather bathe and get ready for bed. Meanwhile Brian and I moved back to the family room.

"I have to say thanks to you, Rob." Brian shared, "I am the beneficiary of your friendship with Sandy."

"Huh?"

"The other week, when you shared some intimate experiences with her, she came home really turned on. We had the best sex we've had in a good while. Sometimes when you're in a marriage or other long term relationship, things get stale or you take your partner for granted. I guess since Heather was born we've been gradually on that path. Maybe this was a good wake up call for us. I can't tell you how many of my coworkers let their marriage bed grow cold, then end up getting divorced after one or the other partner seeks satisfaction outside their marriage," he said heavily.

"Wow, I guess I never really thought about that. I've told Sandy a number of times that I'm just a dumb college student. This totally confirms it. I have so much to learn. She's lucky to have someone like you. I... Uh..." I froze up, not really thinking about what I was about to say.

"... wish you had someone like her?" Brian finished my thought with amazing accuracy.

"Ugh. I'm sorry. I'm freaking out a little, talking to my friend's husband about my love life. This is uncomfortable. She obviously is very open with you, and has told you that I'm kind of infatuated with her. For the first time since..." I locked up as tears came to my eyes.

"I see now why Sandy likes you so much. Sensitive, passionate, self aware, vulnerable, those are things that are rare in young men. Things that every woman will appreciate... Eventually. However they are not things that can start a new relationship easily, and they can be overwhelming for most girls. Has a girl ever told you that you were intense?"

"More than once... Usually right before they become disinterested," I shrugged.

"That girl, Carol, really did a number on you. Let's see if I get the scenario. You're friends, then she gets a boyfriend, then starts teasing you about your lack of experience. She invited you to spend a week at her parents house over the summer where you can't make a move. When she comes back to school she starts going out with your friend, but keeps on teasing you. Then she gets killed leaving you with unrequited love forever. Fuck. I can see why you're having a tough time."

"I guess everyone understands it but me," I said, feeling more confused and hopeless than before.

"I get that. Listen carefully to me now. I didn't invite you to dinner without a purpose. Sandy really loves you. You're the first student she has mentioned by name since she started back to school last spring. I didn't really understand her feelings, but I wanted to get to know you a little. I now understand a lot of what she sees in you and why you got her so turned on the other week. I also see how safe you are. You are so safe and kind. I watched you talk to Heather like she was important. Like you wanted her to like you. Like you wanted me to like you. I suspect that you show that to everyone.

"When my wife asked you to be her study buddy you didn't just do the project. You gave yourself to her. You cared about her as a person. That makes her feel so much better about school in ways that you don't see. Somehow I'm not even slightly afraid that her love for you will diminish her love for me. In fact it probably makes it better and stronger. You gave her something that I can't, or couldn't and I am so thankful for that.

"Sandy asked me if I would let her help you with your problem. She's never done anything like that before. We have always been totally open and honest with each other. I've shared with her when I find myself attracted to clients or coworkers. She has done the same. This is the first time she has ever asked to act on it. We both had multiple partners before we were married. We're not swingers or swappers or any shit like that. It's clear that your feelings for her are real and not exclusively motivated by a physical attraction. The age difference makes one boundary and the school scenario makes another. This is as safe an opportunity as I will ever get. If I say no we all will be fine, but if I say yes it could be a win-win-win where all three of us benefit," he laid out his decision.

"Brian, what does helping me even mean? What are you giving her permission to do?" I asked, not really grasping what he was saying.

"Ultimately I don't know. I'm leaving that up to her and to you. I trust that she will tell me everything. There is so much that she can teach you, it would be a shame not to give this a try. I hope that you also will not do anything that makes you feel awkward or uncomfortable. I trust that you care enough about her to try not to hurt her and to be sensitive to our family. I am giving her permission to do anything she wants to with you.

"I don't know if I'll ever see you again after tonight. I don't know if I'll want to or if you'll want to. I would hope that we can, but I don't trust myself not to get jealous. So the best thing I can say is that I really hope she can help you. She sure wants to," he said with a sigh.

"I don't know what to say. This is certainly not what I expected when Sandy invited me for dinner. I think I need some time to process everything you said," I was completely freaking out and trying desperately not to show it. I felt like an absolute child in a totally adult world and had no idea how to handle myself.

Brian said, "I guess you have to give her permission as well. I hadn't really thought about that. She has said nothing to you, so this must come as a shock."

"There were so many revelations. I didn't realize how she felt about me or how I made her feel about school or any of that. To be honest, I was just happy to have her as a friend and a place to 'park' my infatuation while I recovered from 'the number' that Carol did on my heart."

Brian looked over my shoulder and made a gesture. Sandy walked in and sat down.

"How much of that did you hear, darling?" he asked.

"Enough," she said, "you're cool with this and I'm waiting for Rob to get over the shock. Is that a good summary?"

"Very concise," Brian said.

"Rob? You ok hon?" Sandy looked at me.

"Wow. Shock is the right word. What? How? When? Sorry my mind is racing. I need to start by saying thanks to both of you. Even if I ultimately back out of this like the coward that I typically am, your thoughts and feelings for me are so appreciated. I feel very loved at the moment. I don't know what else to say."

Sandy replied, "That's so typical of the man you are and the man you're becoming. It's exactly why I love you. How about we just talk about your questions after class this week when you have had a chance to process a little more.

"To be honest you and Brian have a lot in common. You've made me remember why I fell in love with him as well. I want to help you get to a place where you feel comfortable starting something with someone closer to your own age. I don't think our time together will be a long term thing. But I hope that we can remain friends after without any awkwardness. But even if there is, this is something that I want to do for you. Does that make sense?"

"Yes, it does. You both have given me a lot to think about. No matter what happens I will never forget this or both of you," I admitted.

"I guess this party is over. I'll walk you out," Sandy concluded.

We got up and I hugged Brian and thanked him again. I thanked Sandy for dinner as she walked me to the door. We walked outside and stood alone for a moment. I hugged Sandy for a long time, then she took her hands and grabbed my head and gave me a very soft kiss on my lips.

"I've wanted to do that for a while," she said.

"I would have freaked out if you did it before tonight"

"I know. Good night, Rob."

"Good night, Sandy, I love you."

"I know, and it makes me happy," she said with a little giddiness in her voice.

I walked thirty or so feet to my car wondering what in the hell I was doing and whether anything made any sense any more. As I drove back to school I knew that I was going to go forward with this opportunity. I just hoped that it wouldn't cost me a good friend.

Whenever I had a tough decision to make I had a high school friend that I called. Jeff was a lot like me. Smart and intellectual, rational, but when it came to girls he was very different. He was very attractive and girls flocked around him, but he never appeared to be interested in any of them. We called him "monk" because of it. He knew all about my situation so it was an easy call. I carefully explained the new scenario that was unfolding and asked for his opinion.

"Dude, based on your explanation, there is no possible outcome that is worse than where you are at right now. You and Sandy are emotionally connected in a healthy way. Her husband trusts you both and believes that it could strengthen his relationship with Sandy. But most importantly you are miserable and need the help. Brian was right when he said it could be a win win win. My only advice is this. If either your or Sandy's emotional connection gets too intense or starts to go in a direction that you think might be harmful to either of you. You need to raise the concern or pull the plug if you can't handle it."

"Wow, I'm glad I called. You said something that I couldn't put into words. I was afraid that I would get too close or clingy or whatever, but I never really thought about the same problem with Sandy. How the fuck can you be so tuned in when you've never been in a relationship or even had a girlfriend?" I joked.

"Basically watching both of my sisters' clusterfuck of a love life has schooled me in what not to do. That's half of why I'm the monk," he offered.

"The other half?" I asked, realizing that he had never shared why he didn't date.

"I've never shared this with you before, but I'm more attracted to guys than girls. I don't want to have homosexual relationships. So I remain celibate. Plus my sex drive is pretty low so things are easier that way. Not like you or Keith. I'm finally comfortable with myself and my situation. I actually go on dates with girls once in a while, just for fun, as friends. I do it mostly to avert suspicion, because I don't want any of the social stigma of actually being homosexual when in fact I'm not."

"Jeez, how long have you known?" I kept probing.

"Since eleventh grade, but living in a small town like we did, it felt really dangerous to even admit to myself. I really tried to think of myself as asexual then, which was not a concept that really existed. I had you and Keith and Mark as friends and that was good enough. Maybe I could have talked to you about it, but Keith's religion and Mark's bigotry would not have tolerated that so I just kept it to myself."

"Shit. We all just thought you were shy," I agreed.

"I am quite introverted. So acting shy comes quite naturally to me. I would appreciate your not sharing this with anyone. I need to be careful about it. Ok?"

"Absolutely. I have no reason to share anyway. Thanks for telling me. I feel very trusted," I replied.

"Only my sisters know."

"Wow. You are tight. Listen, I have to go to class in a minute. Thanks for listening and all. I'll call you soon to let you know how things are going," I hung up.

After class, Sandy and I got together to talk. We worked on our project for an hour, then I suggested we go somewhere we could talk privately. We decided to go back to Helmut's and get some food. After we ordered, I wanted to get to the heart of the issue.

"Sandy, I've been thinking about us and this a lot. I'm generally all in on you helping me, but I have a couple of concerns. First, I don't trust myself not to get in too deep, too close or too clingy. So if you feel that from me, I need you to tell me, or just pull the plug. Second, I wondered the same about you. I don't want to be involved in anything that weakens your connection to Brian, period. If I sense that happening, I will say so or pull the plug. I know that may seem harsh, but I do not want in any way to betray yours or Brian's trust.

"Last, I can't figure out the logistics. I trust you for the what. I'm sure we can figure out when, but where we get together is something that I am completely stuck on. I live in the dorm, and that is suboptimal at best and it exposes us in a way that makes me uncomfortable," I said.

"When is limited by when Brian can care for Heather. I assume most of your evenings are free and weekends are flexible? As for where, I'm kinda stuck on that too. If worse comes to worst we can use a hotel, but it needs to be away from Broken Arrow, for the same exposure reason that you feel about the dorm. Don't poop where you sleep, right?

"As for your first concern, I can do that for you. If I sense you are going beyond the boundaries of our experiment, I will say so and if that doesn't work I will shut it down. I trust you will do the same for me.

"I also have a concern. I know this isn't a normal 'relationship' but I want it to feel as normal as we can make it. That means I want us to have a dating experience, not something more transactional. And I don't trust myself to back away once your problem is solved or whatever the goal of this experiment is reached. I need you to hold me accountable for that. Ok?" she offered.

"Yes. I think I can do that. I have no strong commitments for evenings or weekends, so you can schedule at your availability. I like the idea of dating because I understand it, I was worried about how it would feel, but I couldn't express my concern in words. I was just going to trust you to tell me what to do. I'm really surprised that we are so close in our thinking. Thanks for being so open with me," I said.

"Experience is a brutal teacher. You are wise beyond your years, but Brian and I both have experiences in our past that act as guides for us. Things to keep doing and things to avoid at all costs. This experiment is new for both of us, and it may end up being one of those guides. We could not have found a safer scenario for this experiment but I now realize that that is what it is for all of us. We need to be aware and adapt to see this through. We also need to be willing to give up if it goes bad. Like you I really hope that it works and we can remain friends for a long time."