Sugar and Spice Ch. 01

I don't know if this is your first story but it could have done with some careful editing. Several points in the story could have done with a fair bit of explanatory work. Two examples: (a) you have two apparently straight girls shagging the same boy and then suddenly they are lesbians; (b) Mandy tells Amber she loves her and Amber tells her to go, and yet three days later, Amber is in love with Mandy. Both these situations look contrived for the sake of your story and yet both needed a careful build-up to demonstrate why they were happening. For instance, had both girls previously had a yen for girls but suppressed it because they thought it abnormal? How long had Mandy been in love with Amber and why? Had Amber previously had feelings for Mandy---the implication at the start of the story was that they didn't even move in the same circles nor particularly like each other. Also, some of your dialogue didn't sound natural.

Try to read and re-read your stories as if they were written by another person. Learn to spot the mistakes, implausibilities, unreal dialogue etc and where necessary, amend or re-write. Becoming a good writer is not easy but a lot of these apparently boring tasks are necessary.

You gat me hooked

I loved your story but I have to say I wish there was more of a build to it!! It felt kind of rushed! For example how Mandy said she was in love with amber that kind of threw me off because they're not friends so how does Mandy know Amber? Also I feel like the part where Amber realizes she might like girls and Mandy particularly felt like it went too quickly needed to be more layed out!!! Besides that it was very well written and I really enjoyed reading it!!! Great job for a first entry!!

From our birth we are more advanced than males medically speaking. Those poor slobs of men as they to like to be known seldom grow truly up. The only reason we should use them is when we want children. However marriage is only acceptable if he does accept we need a girl friend to keep us physically satisfied.

Since we are the stronger and more reliable part in a marriage we outlive the boy too and can have a pleasant retirement with our often live in female partner after he is burried. Speaking from expierience that is the only way to live.

Your story reminded me of my happy ending.

Love Janice

The story concept is great but needs fleshing. In spite of the rush it was well written and I enjoyed it. keep it up but consider going back and reworking it to tell the full story of their beginning.

Thanks for sharing.

IDB.

Grammatically this story is fantastic. Because so much of what I read here is riddled with grammatical and punctuational errors, I suspect many writers here have soent time pleasuring themselves (or wanting to) when writing their own scenes, I know I have, hahaha.

But this is well written, and an easy read. I didn't miss anything that was described while reading!

That being said, it does need more substance. I want to know more about the journey these two women take, how they perceive it, and most of all, I want to see how they develop as characters, as PEOPLE.

Amber turns Mandy away at first, and the narrative only IMPLIES this is because she is either straight, or simply disgusted or confused that the woman fucking her boyfriend of two years would approach her so drastically. But the narrative fails to define Amber's true perceptions on the situation.

Then, without any explanation, she has had this change of heart. We as readers and fellow writers, NEED to know why.

You obviously have potential and talent here, and we want to see you maximize on it!

Keep it up!

It's a good start, but as previously mentioned it was rushed. They "met" just once but then they're suddenly in love with each other? It makes it a little unrealistic.

Hey, guys. Thanks so much for the feedback.

Have written chapter two, and Amber and Mandy are in college (yay!).

It is in the pending stage, and I'm going to wait until it's approved to consider writing a part three, but I'm thinking of making it into five parts...still not sure yet.

Keep reading, guys!

Thanks again!

I really liked the concept, but to me it felt a little rushed. You never explained why Mandy went for Ben in the first place and you never gave us the mental process that Amber went through figuring out her feelings for Mandy. You could have fleshed out quite a bit of things and it would have made a good story into a great story. Please keep writing and think about either revisiting this story or writing a sequel and fleshing out some of the characters. What happens with Amber's friends and family, what happens with Mandy's dad? How does Ben react? What is college like for them?

Loved reading your story and I hope to read the next part soon.