Sugar & Spice

Sean was giving every indication of being a poster boy for the latter group. Even then, he was showing elevated levels of estrogen atypical of male children at his or later ages. Nora and Sharon's game of "Dress Up" had unwittingly tapped into the boy's latent gender anomaly and given it focus. Normally, this was a complex, though treatable condition; after therapy, the subject would elect to either revert to his masculine self or continue to full transition. Claudia indicated she had had experience with both options. On the other hand, Sean's situation was anything but normal.

There had been every indication Sean had been transitioning to 'Shauna' in a fairly typical manner. The shootings had not only stopped that process dead in its tracks, they had created a clearly-defined schism between the two identities. Consciously, Sean remembered nothing of the event. Subconsciously, every gory detail was etched vividly on his brain. Somehow, the child had come to believe he had been the cause of Nora Brennan's death. He knew full well his parents had been quarrelling over the issue of child support. 'Sean' had been there that day, but had been powerless to stop his rampaging father. For that, he blamed himself, accepted full responsibility, and was beating himself up over it, emotionally. At first, 'Shauna' had recoiled in horror, refusing to come out at all. Now it appeared 'Sean' was intentionally suppressing her. It was unclear at that point exactly what his motives were; to protect her from the feelings of guilt or, in some bizarre, scorched-earth twist, to punish her along with himself. That there was absolutely nothing either one could have done to prevent the tragedy was completely lost on his conscience. With Shauna repressed and Sean's devastated self-esteem mentally lying in a bloody heap next to his lifeless mother, it would be a long, long time before 'Sean' would be strong enough to become a functional individual - if ever.

Evelyn was stunned. Sharon was reduced to tears; now she felt responsible for the emotional trauma her sibling had endured. The therapist reassured her. 'Shauna' would likely have evolved in some fashion with or without her intervention. Sharon, through her creation of 'Shauna', had nothing to do with Nora's death, nor Sean's resulting trauma. If anything, the elder sister, her late mother, and stepmother had aided her sibling's potential recovery by offering him a way out. It was that 'escape route' they now had to discuss....

Sean's remaining time in New York was spent in continued intensive hypnotherapy. Dr. Rafferty commented that he was an ideal subject for the therapy and was using powerful psychotropic drugs to intensify the effect of the 'suggestions' she implanted in the youth's subconscious. Evelyn and Sharon had been invited to attend one session. It was eerie to see the young boy-girl in a trance-like state, responding to the therapist's instructions. It was eerier still to see him acquiesce so readily to the slightest suggestion. Claudia had implanted a 'trigger phrase' that, as a result of his intensive conditioning, would 'convert' Sean to his trance-like 'induction state'. That saved precious time, time used to untangle Sean's twisted psyche. The plan called for weekly follow-ups with Sean via Internet webcam, with office visits every three months. In addition, Evelyn and Sharon received special training of their own, since they would be Dr. Rafferty's 'eyes and ears' on site.

The three returned to Aurora and their lives. Two of them braced for the ensuing struggle - and the gamble they had agreed to take. Sean appeared modestly more at ease with himself and was at least willing to try school again. The school administration had pledged to bend over backwards to make his assimilation into everyday routine a smooth one. Of course, they had no idea of the gender issues involved and Evelyn Rossi, mindful of small-town attitudes towards the subject, thought it best not to bring them up. Evelyn, remembering Claudia's detailed instructions, prayed the predicted pattern of behavior would unfold and vowed her utmost efforts to see it through. Sharon carried renewed hope for her sibling's future – as well as a simple little phrase she and Evelyn had committed to memory. The first step was the most difficult; waiting.

It began innocently enough. Since the tragedy, Sean had stuck to one or the other like glue. Gradually, it became clear he was bonding to one. He wasn't rejecting his sister by any stretch of the imagination; he just began spending more and more time with Evelyn. His former fascination with her provocative personal style seemed to return. His mentor welcomed his company, even in her most personal moments; dressing, styling her hair, or doing her makeup. Every little thing she did, every movement she made held his rapt attention. Rather than being unnerved by the intense scrutiny, Evelyn welcomed his attentions, identifying them as the first sign of the healing process Claudia warned her to watch for. "Baby steps," the therapist had advised, "wait for him to make the first move."

"I wish I could look as pretty as you."

The words had come out of nowhere. Evelyn had been getting ready to go out that evening. It was definitely an 'evening look' – far more dramatic than she would do for the office. Although she had been advised to expect something like it, Evelyn's heart still skipped a beat. She knew exactly how to respond.

"You can, SHAUNA. Here, let me show you how...."

The joyful stepmother spent an hour doing her child's face, taking her step-by-step through the process of transforming herself into a youthful heartthrob. His copper tresses, having been allowed to grow since his first tentative steps towards Girlhood those many months ago, were arranged in a very feminine style to compliment his face. That he had offered no objection to the invocation of his feminine identity was the most telling sign the first cracks in Sean's steely facade had begun to form. Claudia Rafferty's intensive recovery efforts were finally coming to fruition.

It took months. 'Sean' slowly loosened his death grip on his conscious self and 'Shauna' began to emerge from her shell. Evelyn went to great lengths to help the young girl flourish alongside her sister. Sharon, ever the precocious one, had entered puberty at age eleven. So did Shauna, with the help of a hormone and anti-androgen regimen authorized by Dr. Rafferty and prescribed by an endocrinologist at the hospital. Shauna's daily pills were augmented with weekly booster shots administered at home.

Shauna's body responded quickly to the intense therapy, catching up with her sister's development. It became apparent both girls had inherited their mother's genetic coding for lush, womanly curves. As her body developed, Shauna's personality made a spectacular comeback. It was like the old days, when she pretended to be 'Sean' to fool everyone at school. There was one significant difference now; even more than her older sibling, Shauna was proud of her blossoming figure and loved to flaunt it. The two amassed a shared wardrobe of trendy outfits designed to make them look "sexy" – with just enough drab, bulky boy clothes to get 'Sean' by at school. Shauna understood the necessity for the daily deception, but that did not make the practice any more palatable.

At the onset of her teen years, the younger sister exhibited no interest in adopting the fresh-scrubbed 'schoolgirl look'. Instead, she solicited Evelyn's advice on which color combinations of makeup to use, how to apply it, and how to wear her hair for maximum impact. Evelyn was delighted to aid her younger child achieve the provocative look she desired. Claudia pronounced the teen's proclivities as a healthy step in the right direction – as far from 'Sean' as possible. The teen tease began going out 'en femme' with her stepmother and sister; downtown, to the mall, to a movie or dinner. She flirted openly with teenage boys, to the amazement of her companions. Their experiments with hairstyles and makeup complimented 'Shauna' – at the expense of 'Sean'. There were occasions when the 'boy' went to school bearing traces of makeup that had not been completely removed, or his ponytail was a little too fluffy or wavy and smelled faintly of hairspray and perfume. On a few bold occasions, the 'traces' of makeup had been freshly applied. This and other irregularities had caused 'Sean' to be sent home from school on more than one occasion for "inappropriate manner of dress".

School was not the best of times for the gender-conflicted youth. It was the one place she could not be 'Shauna'. Everyone in school knew of Nora Brennan, if they had not known the woman personally. Many had; Dr. Harrison, Nora's former boss, was on the school district's approved list of physicians. He handled dozens of student physicals, inoculations, and general healthcare. Of course, everyone in school knew Sharon – and 'Sean'. Sympathy only lasts so long; casual cruelty goes on forever. Although 'Sean' wore loose-fitting clothes to disguise his blossoming body and had long since been excused from Phys Ed classes for 'medical reasons', his appearance and mannerisms continued to morph - and the name-calling began.

To make matters worse, another symptom of Klinefelter's had been diagnosed; Shauna was mildly dyslexic. It wasn't a major impediment, and she was tutored on the side to overcome her disability. It did cause some embarrassing moments when 'Sean' was required to read aloud or do math computations on the chalkboard in class. That caused her to be labeled 'stupid' in addition to the other hurtful epithets. Throughout middle school, then high school, the knowing looks, sly smiles, and taunts became daunting.

Sharon adored high school; she had a close-knit circle of friends, had joined Drama Club, and was even on the Pom-Pom squad. None of those activities were even options for 'Sean'. They all required approval by someone else, and that wasn't going to happen in her case. Sharon had encouraged her sibling to go out for activities, to become a 'joiner' like herself. She couldn't understand Shauna's polite rebuff. Was her little sister anti-social after all? Shauna seethed. How do you explain Discrimination, Harassment and Bigotry to someone who has never experienced them, never will, and therefore has no reference from which to see them for what they really are? Saying to them "You just don't get it" doesn't help when they really don't, can't, and won't. Shauna convinced herself those mundane activities didn't mean anything to her; nor did Sharon's popularity among her peers. The younger sibling gritted her teeth, dug in, and waited for her time.

Shauna avoided her many tormentors by hiding out in the school library as much as possible. Spending an hour or so in the library after school enabled her to take the late bus, missing the bulk of the miscreants - the ones making her life a waking nightmare - who stormed out of school as soon as the bell rang. So, too, did it enable her to ride home with Sharon, who usually had Pom- Pom practice. Best of all, there were few people in the library after school. If nothing else, Shauna could sit in one of the computer carrels and do her makeup and hair.

Needing something to occupy her time in the library, Shauna began playing with computers. Of course, she was no stranger to either computers or the Internet, having her standing appointment with Claudia Rafferty every week. The library computers had Internet access and a database of interactive training courses. The young girl started a course one afternoon, just to pass the time - and progressed from there....

It was the school librarian that first noticed the strange, effeminate boy appeared to be spending an inordinate amount of time on the computers after school. She had assumed he was on the Internet, playing those damn interactive shoot-'em-up games – or worse – like the other boys. She quietly approached him from an oblique angle one afternoon. He was so engrossed in what he was doing, he was not aware of her approach - as she had intended. The woman was amazed to observe he was actually breezing through a training module for Microsoft Access. Acting on a hunch, she accessed the online training database and did an inquiry on the student ID he used to reserve the computer. The system's response made her jaw drop. She brought it to the attention of the Principal, who had an identical reaction when the results were verified. Some phone calls were made, impassioned words exchanged – and, in the winter of her eleventh-grade year, seventeen-year-old 'Sean Kyle Brennan' became an officially-certified Microsoft Office User Specialist.

Shauna was a bit miffed at having to yield the credit for her accomplishment to 'Sean'. She was proud of her achievement, nonetheless. She chose to deflect any praise from others with a polite "Thank you" and nothing more. The girl didn't want to dwell on the sincerity - or complete lack thereof - of sentiments from people whose opinions no longer mattered to her. There were other certifications to earn - which DIDN'T require someone else's permission or approval....

Paperwork in any business environment is a chore. Nowhere was that more true than the Aurora Regional Medical Center. Evelyn had been promoted to her current position because she had sold the Board of Directors on the fiscal benefits of establishing a central business and records office to service all of the practicing physicians, eliminating the need for each doctor to retain business staff and the subsequent duplication of effort. The problem was, that central office then became deluged with mountains of paperwork. Evelyn had petitioned for, and was granted, a centralized data processing network. The rack-mounted, multi-processor server and main console were in Administration, while the local desktop computers in each doctor's office were linked to the server as client workstations. Any doctor – or his staff – could access and update their clients' records remotely, while all the heavy-duty record-keeping, billing, and other 'back-office' functions were done centrally. Owing to the sensitive nature of the data kept on the server, it was protected in depth; Internet proxy and software firewalls, 128-bit encryption, regularly-updated anti-virus software, and closed-circuit security cameras.

The catch was, the system required a real person with enough skill and intelligence to use all the new, complex hardware and software tools. Evelyn could do it fairly well, but she had other, more pressing responsibilities. She had already gone through several temps who got lost trying to understand the nuances of the various programs and commands. When Evelyn had shown off her 'baby' to Shauna, the young girl had sat down at the operator's console and, in an hour, made child's play of tasks others had thrown up their hands at. Not only did she understand the processes, she jotted down a series of notes, which she later transcribed into an Operating Procedures Manual. No one had to hit Evelyn over the head with a brick; Sean was recruited to work a couple of afternoons a week, plus Saturdays until the end of the school year, then full-time over the summer. The clinic would get a young, but much-needed, tech-savy office assistant. Sean would get valuable work experience, a very-welcome source of regular income and, if Evelyn could get her way, a chance to be 'Shauna' in a real-world environment.

But Shauna who? Many people at the hospital fondly remembered the personable, vivacious Nora Brennan and her two children. It was one thing for 'Shauna' to visit the mall, go out for dinner, or any number of benign social activities. Even a town the size of Aurora would offer at least THAT modicum of anonymity. A real-world job required real-world identity and documentation. A real-world job at a location where you are already known is trickier still. People are not dumb; if 'Shauna Kay Brennan', beautiful and vivacious redhead, went to work at the hospital, someone would put two and two together - and it would be all over town in a day or two. The result would not be pleasant.

Compounding this problem was the teen's obvious inclination towards getting noticed. Shauna, like Evelyn, was not cut out for the conservative small-town mentality. She clearly desired to live her life 'on the edge', as Evelyn had at her age. The more experienced woman's intuition told her "Shauna Kay Brennan", good little girl from West Bumfuck, would not be nearly enough to satisfy her youngest child. What to do?

Shauna was reaching the end of her rope. Officially, the school administration recognized 'Sean' as "gifted, but troubled" - after earning certifications in office automation, networking, operating systems, database administration and Visual Basic programming entirely on her own initiative. Unofficially, 'he' was a "fag", "fairy", "sissy", "homo", "little gay boy", and "geek" to the other kids in school. The desperate boy-girl dreaded the thought of enduring another year of abuse from the same old tormenters. Worse, she felt she could no longer turn to her sister for emotional support. Sharon's inability to grasp Shauna's situation at school made her part of the problem, not part of the solution. What Shauna dreaded most was another year of living a lie; the same ghastly nightmare of getting up each morning, donning clothing she loathed, hiding the feminine body and persona of which she had become so proud, and pretending to be someone she no longer was and wished to God she had never been.

Evelyn could hardly ignore the fact the problems with her younger child were far from over. Where her rehabilitation had been steadily improving, now they had taken a turn for the worse. Granted, the concerned stepmother wasn't the ideal June Cleaver model mom; business required much of her attention. When she did seek out her children, Shauna was withdrawn, moody, irritable, or just not there. Sharon altered between anger and tears over her sister, confiding Shauna all but "bit her head off" if Sharon even looked at her the wrong way - whatever way that was.

Still, the older woman tried. She brought home dinner - spicy Thai, a family favorite - one Thursday night in early May. Sharon was delighted to see her - and famished. When asked about Shauna, she shrugged her shoulders, avowing she hadn't seen her sister since morning. 'Sean' hadn't been on the late bus, but her bedroom door was closed and Sharon thought she had heard noises from within.

Evelyn went to the bottom of the stairs and called Shauna twice. When she received no response, she mounted the stairs, went to her daughter's door and knocked.

"WHAT!"

"Honey, I have dinner on the table."

"GO AWA... I... I really don't want any right now, thank you."

"Shauna Kay Brennan, get your butt down to the dinner table right now! I haven't seen you in three days and I am invoking my parental right to see my baby's bright, happy face and hear her tell me how much she loves and appreciates me!"

There was a long pause.

"I... I'll be down in a minute, Mom."

It was more than a minute. Evelyn wished it had been a lot more. 'Sean' slowly entered the dining room. His hair was a mess. He was still dressed in his school clothes - or what was left of them. He sat in his chair, gingerly, placed his napkin carefully in his lap, lowered his head and just stared vacantly at his plate. No words were spoken; none were necessary. The tracks of his tears were clearly visible, as were the black eye, split, swollen lip, and multiple bruises. Evelyn and Sharon just stared. Even that was too much for the distraught boy-girl to take. In a blinding blur of motion, his napkin slammed down on his plate and he was out the front door, the sounds of his wracking sobs vainly trying to keep pace.