Summer and Fall

Half term arrived and the girls poured out of the school gates for the week-long break. I was supposed to have flown to New York, but my inaction left me at my parent's place for the break.

Nick had filled them in on the drama of my making. They were all surprisingly gentle when I arrived, which left me feeling even more stupid and panicked all at once.

Nobody broached the subject until the last night I stayed over.

"Jess dear, how did you leave it with Alex?" my mother asked.

Nick sighed dramatically and put his headphones on.

I was sprawled out on the couch in the living room. "I haven't spoken to her... yet."

My father lifted his eyes up from the book he was reading.

I blushed, "I know. It is not the best thing to do. But I panicked. I'm panicking. Now I can't bear the thought of talking to her about this. Because I can't really explain it. Well, I kind of can, but it doesn't make it any better."

My parents just looked at me, confused.

"It's just all happened so fast it seems. And things that happen fast just don't always work out. So when Alex said she was going moving over here, it just seemed like it was moving even faster and everyone would expect that we would be a thing. And that's when things usually fall apart." I was blabbering.

"Ok, so what if it falls apart with Alex? Is this current situation any better than that?" My dad put his book down and stretched out his legs, "because it seems to me that you are not spectacularly happy at the moment. And neither is Alex, probably."

"Hitting pause is better than breaking up. Which is what we are doing right now," I said, trying to sound convincing.

My mother arched her brows, "You hit pause, Jessica, not Alex. And you didn't tell her you were doing so or why."

I sat up, "Ok, so fine. But Alex knows. She understands why."

"And doesn't that count for something?" my father said.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"That you know that she understands you -- even when you've shut her out and she has every reason to write you off?"

"Wait, you think she should leave me?" I almost shrieked.

"Jess, listen to me. Look at me," my father said.

I reluctantly looked him in the eye.

"I didn't say that she should leave you. My point is you are operating on your belief that Alex understands you and is waiting for you to sort this out. But you haven't actually told her what's going on, have you? Have you thought about the possibility that she thinks you've left her?"

I was sweating I was so agitated. I hadn't thought of that.

"I don't know what the hell I'm doing."

My mother's arms were around me as my sobs came out in ragged spurts. "Lovey, it does feel like an awful muddle, doesn't it? So let's keep it simple: are there any reasons why you don't want to be with her?"

"Because I'm bad at this. I mean, look what I did! I should be in New York right now."

"So you are making a mess of things because you think you'll make a mess of things anyway. Well, that's a self-fulfilling prophecy if I ever saw one."

"Look, I thought it was all going great with James. He -- obviously -- disagreed. Maybe he never liked me in the first place and was just going along with it all until he couldn't any more. Alex is moving to the UK. It won't take her long to figure out being with me is not what she thought it was going to be and then it's just going to crash and burn."

My father shook his head, "Jess, first you say it's moving too fast, then you say it's about Alex not really loving you. That's the biggest load of tosh I have ever heard, and you know it. Just pull your head out of the sand, call her, and make it right."

He took a deep breath, "Jess, she loves you. Anyone can see that."

My mother gave me a squeeze, "Poppet, does Alex make you happy?"

I nodded, smiling in spite of myself.

"So why are you here with us, instead of there with her?"

I shrugged, "Because she probably already hates me. All her friends do."

"Well then, I guess you'll just have to find a convent and plant tomatoes by yourself for the rest of your life." My father had a hint of a smile on his face.

I rolled my eyes.

"Do you want to fix this?" My mother asked.

"Yes," I said as quietly as possible. I am a fucking idiot.

"Well," said mum, "the obvious next step is to extend some sort of apology to Alex, accompanied by severe grovelling. But if I've read Alex right, you won't have to do a lot of that."

"I thought 'love means never having to say you're sorry.'" I pouted.

"Who came up with that pile of shite?" Nick grumbled.

"I thought you had your headphones on, you philistine!" I shouted as Nick shuffled out of the room.

Mum gave me a kiss on my forehead, "Jess, call her. Make it right."

ALEX

"Annie, can you stop reading Harry Potter and please focus on packing this shelf up?"

Annie was sitting next to my bookshelves, engrossed in the first book of the series.

"Oh my god, I didn't know these were this good. Did you have four-poster beds at Halsey?"

I rolled my eyes, "Yes. We had four-poster beds and we flew to classes on brooms, we had food served to us by fricking elves and Maggie Smith was our headmistress. Jesus. No, Annabelle. We had beds that were barely flat on a good day, food that was boiled to death by someone who thought cooking didn't need any skill, and the only "magical" ability our headmistress had was showing up in our common room at the precise moment one of us started talking smack about her."

"Okay, okay. Sensitive, much? Can I borrow the whole series though? You were going to pack these anyway."

"Fine. I've done all the rest of the packing. Can you PLEASE help me finish packing the bloody books? I promised I would clear one set of shelves for Lucy."

I rented out my apartment to Lucy, a family friend. She'd been living with her parents in Queens and I cut her a deal. Terry was letting me stay in his place in London for a song, and I was more than happy to pay it forward. Lucy hated her commute to Tribeca. This would eliminate an hour of travel time for her each way.

Annie commandeered a box and started packing at a funereal pace. "I forgot you had this many books when I volunteered. I should have offered to pack your shoes."

"I'm bringing all four pairs with me," I said. I looked at her face and realised she was teasing me.

I made a face at her, "I'm going to put these other boxes in the basement. Back in a tick."

When I came back up, Annie had cleared out the shelf and four boxes stood neatly by the door.

"Do you want to bring this... or...?" Annie paused, holding up a framed photograph of me and Jess.

I took the frame from her and stared at the photo. Deep, painful longing welled up.

"... or maybe smash it into a million pieces?" Annie finished hopefully.

I glared at her. "Annie, she'll come back."

Annie crossed her arms, "You don't know that. Does she even know you are flying out tonight?"

I said nothing.

She threw her hands up, "Get over it, Alex! If someone walked out on me and didn't call for weeks afterwards, you'd tell me to get over it."

"She didn't walk out on me. And she did call -- you picked up, remember? And told her not to call back!"

"If I fucked up with you, I'd chase you around the world to make it ok again." Annie said, "You deserve so much more. Jess isn't even trying."

"How do you know?" I snapped, feeling defensive for Jess.

Annie was right, there was nothing to indicate that Jess would come back. All I had was hope, and a gut feeling that she was struggling with this; I just had to wait.

"I don't," Annie allowed, "but I don't want you to end up alone and bitter. I mean, Sienna was ready to pledge her love in marriage to you last night, Alex."

My stomach tightened. My friends threw me a farewell party last night; I got a little drunk, Sienna got a little drunk. She proposed a no-strings-attached "private send-off" as the party wound down. I declined. I guess Annie must have witnessed all or part of that exchange.

"I don't love Sienna, Annie, I love Jess."

Annie shrugged, "Sienna was right in front of you. Jess was nowhere to be found."

"A., she was tipsy. B., I don't do one-night stands. C., I love Jess! I don't want to be with anyone else! Get it?"

Annie looked at the photo of Jess and me, "I get it, Alex. Promise me one thing?"

I raised my eyebrows, "Depends on what it is..."

"Don't go running into the hills of England looking for Jess in the driving rain only to fall ill with consumption. I'm not coming to attach leeches to your body while you cling to life in a feverish haze."

I snorted.

Annie giggled. "Oh my god. You, as Marianne Dashwood, with golden ringlets, prancing through the hills and vales of... wherever they were... in a dress..."

I had to laugh.

Annie handed me the photo, "I just don't like seeing you hurt."

"I know," I gave her a hug, "I love you too. Let's get the rest of this stuff down to the basement before Lucy gets here. Still want to have dinner before I leave for JFK?"

Annie nodded and waved her arms hopefully at the boxes, "Wingardium leviosa!"

"As Sam Seaborn said on 'The West Wing,' we'll 'overlook the fact that you're coming late to the party and embrace the fact that you showed up at all.' You're going to love the rest of that series."

--Chapter 7: London--

JESS

"It's Friday!!!!" Cathy sang as she walked into my office.

I grunted.

"What's wrong?"

I grunted again.

"Grunt once if you are choking, grunt twice if it's something else." Cathy scowled at me.

"I think Alex has a new girlfriend." Tears started springing from my eyes.

"WHAT? WAIT. Hold on!" Cathy said, shutting the door, "start from the beginning."

"Alex told me she will be moving to the UK later this month. I freaked out." I sobbed.

Cathy spun her forearm in circles. "Yes, yes, yes, we know all that. What happened today?"

"I just tried to call her mobile... you know, to apologise and patch things up... It went to voicemail. I called her at work. It went to voicemail. And..."

I burst out crying again. Cathy exhaled impatiently.

"And... when I called her flat, a woman picked up. I didn't recognise her voice. I think I woke her up. I panicked and hung up."

I looked up at Cathy.

She took a deep breath, "Ok. I don't think that necessarily means that Alex has a new girlfriend."

"Cathy, it's 7 in the morning in New York. Why would a WOMAN PICK UP ALEX'S PHONE AT SEVEN IN THE MORNING???" I wailed.

Visions of Alex sharing a bed with this person flooded my imagination.

"First, stop shouting. You are going to scare the children. Second, call her back," Cathy said bluntly, "bite the bullet. Better to find out sooner rather than later."

"She probably snuggled back into Alex's arms after I dropped the call. They're probably having sex right now." I couldn't breathe. This was all my fault.

"Oh for the love of all that's good and holy. Get a grip! Just call her." Cathy was firm.

"NO." I shook my head. I could feel sweat breaking out everywhere. The office felt too bright. I just wanted to die.

"Maybe Alex has a friend who's staying over?" Cathy suggested.

"Then why didn't that... that woman say so?"

"Um, you hung up before she could?"

That made sense. I felt slightly better. I put my hand on my phone. Cathy nodded her encouragement.

"Hello?" It was the same sleepy voice that answered before.

"Uh, hi, sorry to wake you, but may I please speak to Alex?" I eked out, my heart in my mouth. Please don't say she's asleep next to you... please don't --

"She moved out," the woman replied.

OH SWEET BLESSED RELIEF! Thank you to any and all deities who had a hand in this...

"Oh, ok. Do you know how I can reach her?"

"I have her cell phone number if you want? Um, it's... hold on, let me find it on my phone... 646..."

"Oh thanks -- it's ok, I have it. Thanks. When did she move out?"

"Last week. She moved to the UK."

I looked at Cathy. Alex already moved!

"Oh -- thanks again. Thanks! Sorry again about waking you up!"

"What? She moved?" Cathy asked.

I nodded, "Last week. She's already here. She moved last week. SHE'S HERE. CATHY!!!! SHE'S HERE!"

"So... not a new girlfriend?" Cathy smiled.

I spun myself around on my chair, "NOPE. Nope-nope-nope-nope-nope."

I picked up my phone and dialed Alex's mobile.

I frowned and hung up, "Went to voicemail. Again."

"Do you know where she's staying in London?"

"Well, she usually stays with me..."

I scrunched up my face when Cathy raised her eyebrows.

Yep. That's right. I'm an idiot. Oh god-y-god-y-god. Alex, where the hell are you?

"Who can you call to get her new contact information?" Cathy wondered.

I knew the answer before Cathy finished asking the question.

"Annie." I leaned forward and rested my head on my desk. Oh shit.

"Bite the bullet." Cathy leaned back and stretched.

"After lunch." I knew I was stalling, "No point in waking her up. She's already going to rip me a new one. Better to wait until she's had her coffee..."

ALEX

My phone rang as I stepped out of the tube station.

"Hi Annie..."

"Lucy called --" Annie began.

"It's only been a week! What did she do to my apartment? I knew I shouldn't have sub-let it!" I yelled as images of destruction flashed through my head.

"Shut up, you freakazoid," Annie shouted back, "Lucy called to say that someone called your apartment this morning, looking for you. Lucy didn't have your UK cell, so she asked me for the number in case that person called back. Long story short, it was Jess, and Jess called me."

I stopped walking, which elicited a couple of unsavoury words from those who had to suddenly navigate around me.

Jess finally reached out. After almost a month of nothing.

"Alex?? Can you hear me??? Are you there?" Annie pulled me back from my shock. I scooted to the nearest shop entrance, still reeling from the news.

"Yes -- sorry. I'm just surprised she called. Wait, so did you speak with her? Why didn't she call me?"

"She called your US cell. Went straight to voicemail, dummy. Anyway, she wants to apologise. She said she didn't want to email in case you ignored it because she had behaved so poorly."

"Did you behave when she called you?"

Annie snorted, "Please, you know me, queen of civility and all that."

"ANNABELLE -- come on!" I shouted, "What did you say?"

"I did not exactly repeat my Oscar-winning Rottweiler performance, if that's what you are asking. She sounded awful, to be honest. I gave her your UK cell phone and address. We didn't really talk much beyond that."

"Ok. Thanks Bella-bear. I owe you one."

"Alex -- I know you've already forgiven her -- but please, don't let her think she can do this again, ok? You deserve better."

"Ok," I said again, about all I could manage at that point.

Annie rang off, and I stared at my phone for a while. It had taken all of my self-control to not have emailed or called Jess since her freak out. But I promised to give her the space she so obviously needed. Now, when it seemed certain that Jess would finally reach out, I allowed myself a flash of anger over her behaviour.

I also knew Annie was right. Jess only needs to show up at my door, tell me she was sorry and I would forgive her. I resolved to play it cool -- hard to do under normal circumstances, but bloody near impossible when it came to Jess.

JESS

I stood outside number 35 on Alex's street, waiting for her to return. It was just after 3pm, so I wasn't expecting to see her for a while.

After steeling my nerves to face Alex, I finished teaching my last lesson of the day and pretty much broke land speed records to get to her place. Loitering around outside her flat seemed more productive somehow.

To my surprise, I soon saw her familiar form, striding towards me. Seeing her after all this time apart made my breath catch in my throat. She was in her work clothes: a long coat over a grey suit, light blue shirt; crisp lines that accentuated those beautiful broad shoulders and long legs. Her sunglasses glinted in the late afternoon sun as she walked; she slowed as she spotted me.

Despite my anxiety about how it might turn out, the sight of her thrilled me to the core.

"Hello," Alex said, fishing keys out of her pocket.

My heart was thumping in my chest, "You don't seem surprised to see me," I heard myself say.

Alex's face was impassive, her eyes hidden behind her shades. "Annie told me you asked her for my number and address, so I figured I would hear from you soon enough. You are lucky Peter sent us home early for the weekend. Could have been a long wait."

I nodded, "Can we talk inside?"

"Sure, come on in," Alex drove her key into the red front door and led me in.

We walked up two flights of stairs in silence. Alex remained mute as she unlocked the door to her flat.

I followed her in; the place smelled like her. My chest tightened with desperate yearning. We still hadn't touched.

"So... what are you doing here?" Alex asked, dropping her coat and messenger bag on a chair in the hallway.

"I came by to apologise." My voice shook, betraying my nerves. "I shouldn't have left... uh, things the way I did. Shit, Alex, I shouldn't have left. I should have talked to you about it -- or at least have given you some warning. I'm sorry."

"Apology accepted," Alex said.

She threw me off-guard with her curt response. I had expected her to berate me the way Annie did.

"You came by to apologise. That's it?" She took her shades off and glanced at me, her brown eyes masked with indifference.

I moved towards her, but she shifted away from me and walked into the kitchen. This small rejection stung, and I felt tears spring to my eyes.

I followed her, stopping at the kitchen entrance. I fiddled listlessly with the pocket door's latch.

"No -- that's not it..." I had a speech all planned out, but the words wouldn't come, "I mean, I really am sorry. I mangled it. Royally. Can we start over?"

Ugh. That was clumsy.

Alex wouldn't look at me, but busied herself with the kettle.

I took a breath and continued, "I have missed you so much. Please believe me. I just panicked when it seemed like we were going to move in together when you got to the UK."

"Well, I got this place, and you have your place, so no need to worry about co-habitation," she snapped, still not looking at me.

I had heard Alex bark at people before, but never at me. I felt like I broke something between us.

"But that's just the thing -- I want to be with you. I just didn't want to believe that you did too, in case you changed your mind." I grimaced, "It made no sense, but I still pushed you away. It was stupid, what I did. I wish I had it to do all over again."

Alex left the kettle to boil and walked past me into the living room.

"Alex, please say something. Can you look at me, at least?"

Alex sighed as she lowered herself onto the couch and finally made eye contact. All I saw was hurt and anger.

"Let me make it up to you," I said kneeling in front of her, "I'll spend every day from now on making it up to you."

Alex shook her head.

"I want to," I said, reaching out to touch her forearm.

Alex pulled her arms away and rubbed her eyes, "No, really. Stop, Jess."

My heart sank. "Stop what?"

Alex covered her face with her hands and sighed. "This conversation. It's really not working for me right now. So just stop."

"But... Alex, why?" I felt my stomach churn. My tears left hot streaks down my cheeks. I didn't care. "Please Alex, look at me. Why can't we try and talk through this?"