Summer Blonde Pt. 01

Note 1: This is part of a series, but I've tried to write each story to stand alone. If you like this story I encourage you to check out my other work, but it shouldn't be necessary to understand what happens here.

Note 2: This story deliberately contains some dated and misused terms. It's about a confused 18 year old kid in 1993 and I want to be honest to that. I apologize if anyone feels offended.

Note 3: Many thanks to trappedinthecl0set for assistance with editing and helpful advice. Any remaining errors are entirely my own.

It was the summer of 1993. I was super into goth music and theater, which eventually led to my very religious father kicking me out of the house a few months before high school graduation for living a godless life. I was now renting a semi-detached garage from a friend's relatives. My "furniture" consisted of a chair and a folding table. The bed was a mattress on the floor. It looked about as crappy as it probably sounds, but I could afford it. I had my own entrance and since this was my first summer on my own, I was doing my best to spend as little time there as possible.

When I wasn't doing the usual stupid teenage shit with friends, I was watching as much live music as I could afford. Unfortunately, the only club in town where the bands I listened to played was also a bar and I was barely 18. So when a friend noticed how much I looked like his sister when I had my goth makeup on, he stole her ID and I started dressing up as a girl to get into clubs.

Most of the time I was a pretty normal teenage boy, but when I got dressed up, I was "Beth". I talked like Beth, I walked like Beth, I was into things that Beth was into and after that first show I went to, "Beth" ended up going home with a couple, Sylvia and Drake. Which means that my father kicking me out on suspicion of being gay directly led to me dressing like a girl and having a three way with another man. So yeah, fuck you dad.

I told myself that it was like playing a role or that I was only doing it so I could see the shows, but honestly I got a kick out of my double life and Beth was taking up more and more of my time. I'd stop by second hand stores, trying to put together new outfits. When I found a long sleeve purple velvet dress in my size, I couldn't stop touching the fabric. The old lady at the counter gave me some curious looks, so I felt obligated to explain that I was "buying costumes for a school play". After work I'd sometimes sneak home to try on different outfits and makeup or I'd practice my girl voice.

On the weekends I'd dress up as Beth and go see shows, silently praying I didn't run into anyone I knew on the way. On this particular Friday I was waiting in line at the club and wearing the velvet dress, accentuated with some black lace. I had done up my makeup with purple and black tones to match. My shoulder length wavy chestnut hair was free flowing, but instead of tucking it behind my ears like I normally did, I pulled it forward to cover my face. You can think of it like a messy goth "the Rachel" hairstyle. I accessorized with a black choker, purple handbag and black Doc Martens. I was proud of the final look and feeling pretty good about myself until I got to the line outside the club.

Standing on the street I felt super self-conscious and looked around to see what everyone else was doing. In front of me was a couple dressed in S&M fetish wear. Behind me was a skinny guy dressed a bit like Edward Scissorhands with his arms crossed and looking super serious. Behind him was a tall guy who caught my eye for some reason. He was dressed pretty tamely, just wearing a black shirt and black slacks. I think what caught my eye was the way he was staring off in the distance, like he was lost in thought. I thought it made him look intelligent and kind of mysterious. The strange idea popped into my head that this is the kind of guy Beth would really be into. My head was flooded with strange images. In one we were on the dance floor and mystery guy came up to me and we brushed against each other and he took me in his arms.

The line moved and I realized I'd been staring. In the same moment he looked my way and we briefly locked eyes. I immediately looked away and felt so embarrassed I almost ran home. Fortunately I was practically at the door by then. I flashed my fake ID, payed my cover and "Beth" scurried inside.

The place was called "The Cave". It was dark, smokey, filthy, loud, and it was full of people dressed theatrically in black without a hint of irony. It was perfect. I ordered a cranberry juice and started searching for the quietest, darkest corner to wait for the show to start, when a woman bumped into me.

"Oh my God, I love your dress! But aren't you dying of heat?"

I looked over and met my new best friend, Aby. She was 28, a little overweight, overdressed, overdramatic, and far, far too cheerful for a goth club. We began talking about clothes and she became super excited when I told her that I could sew. When she found out I was there alone, she immediately drug me back to hang out with her friends, who turned out to be 3 women all around Aby's age: Meg, Sarah, and (I kid you not) Lucretia. Pretty much as soon as we sat down they wanted to know everything about me. I was stumbling through some half made up biography when Meg asked me how old I was.

"I'll be 22 in August" I answered.

"OK, how old are you really?"

I froze and must have turned bright red, because Aby reached over and gave me a supportive hug. "Don't worry." She said, "I was going to bars in high school too. We won't narc you out."

I relaxed a little, but Meg kept staring at me. "She's nervous about something else. She's got secrets."

"Don't worry about her," Aby said while stroking my hair, "She's like this with everyone."

I sat back, quietly listening to them talk about music and gossip about people they knew. I had female friends, but they would occasionally disappear in twos and never let on what they'd discussed. Now it felt a little like I'd been let into a secret society.

A little later I saw Drake sitting with 2 other guys, and Sylvia was nowhere in sight. I excused myself from the girls and walked over right in front of him. He didn't seem to notice me at first so after an awkward half a minute, I said "Hi." When he didn't react I said it again, louder.

"Oh, hi," he said, finally looking up.

He was looking at me blankly, so I thought maybe he didn't recognize me. "It's Beth."

"Yeah, I know."

"Um, is Sylvia around?"

"I don't know." And with that he turned away from me and resumed talking with his friend.

I stood there for a minute, feeling like an idiot, before turning around and heading back. Behind me I could just hear one of his friends asking "Who was that?" And Drake answered, "Just some rubber bat."

It hurt to be brushed off and it must have shown when I sat back down.

"Who was that?" Aby wanted to know.

"Just some guy I met once."

"Met as in...?" Sarah asked. The answer might as well have been written in great big capital letters on my face. "Oh my God!" She practically yelled, "Tell us everything!"

"See," said Meg, "She's got secrets."

Meg kept after me all night about my "secrets". I was feeling kind of vulnerable and later, when the two of us were alone, I spilled the beans to her about how I was really a boy. It turns out she'd been joking, had no idea I was a guy, and felt bad about "outing" me. When she told the others, without asking me, she just told them that I was a crossdresser. Aby corrected Meg that I obviously wanted to be a girl and since I was kind of worried how they'd react if they knew the truth, I just let them assume what they wanted to assume. After that the four of them basically adopted me. We would hang out on weekends even when there was no show, and sometimes we'd even get together at Aby's house to hang out and put on our makeup before the show.

I remember the first time we hung out outside the Cave. I'd worn a slightly conservative summer dress and sunglasses; no one even gave me a second look. I was feeling pretty good about myself, but as soon as I arrived at Aby's, everyone started giving me tips and I realized how much I still had to learn about being a woman.

"You've got to arch your back more." Said Meg. She'd studied dance and she had a great eye for body movement. I tried to do as she said. "That's right, stick out your ass." I did as I was told, then Lucretia pinched my ass and everyone laughed. With my background in theater I could actually teach them something about makeup and soon we were all best friends.

And that was my life for a while. I spent all my disposable money on clothes and shows and hanging out with the girls. It was fun, but it was a strangely chaste few weeks. I was meeting lots of hot women, but dating any of them would be complicated. I enjoyed talking with the girls about make-up, clothes, romantic movies, basically any of the things I couldn't really talk to my guy friends about, but when the subject turned to boys, I'd clam up. I think they just assumed I was being shy. But the truth was, other than my one experience with Drake, I'd never seen an erection that wasn't my own and I'd never been attracted to a guy. Well, practically never. Well, maybe Beth had, but that was different, right? Little did I know, that was all about to change.

One weekend I was shocked when the guy I'd checked out while waiting to get in the club came to sit down with us. His name was Matt and it turned out he was an old friend of Aby. He'd been out of town for a few weeks, but now he was back and just like that he was part of the group. As he and Aby caught up, without realizing it I began to stare again. Now that I could see him up close I could see that he really was tall, maybe 6'3" and classically handsome, with a square jaw and hazel eyes. He had medium length hair dyed black which just covered his eyes and (to 18 year old me) made him look mysterious. He was also super smart. He was working on his PhD in political science. He taught part time at the university and it seemed like he knew everything about everything. He had an effortless way of talking to everyone that made them feel important.

I was in awe; I swear that when I looked at him, it was like there was a spotlight that followed him around all evening and kept pulling my eyes back to him. At first I just listened to him talk and tried not to let on how young and inexperienced I was. The thing was, even though I wasn't saying anything, he kept trying to talk to me. The girls got the hint faster than I did and managed to play musical chairs until Matt and I were seated at our own little table off to the side of the group. He looked me directly in the eyes as he spoke and it made me very nervous. I just looked around and would focus on little details. I could see that even though his hair was black, he was naturally blonde. It had been a few days and his roots were peaking through. He had a small scar on his chin, which somehow made him look even more mysterious and handsome. He'd mentioned something about playing rugby and he was obviously in good shape.

I was so focused, I was startled to hear Aby say to me, "Beth, come help me with my make up." She took my hand and basically dragged me to the women's room. Once safely inside she held me by the shoulders. "Oh my god, he is so into you."

"What, Matt? No, um, we were just talking about... politics," I finished weakly. I searched my memory, but I had trouble remembering anything he'd said.

"Yeah, right. So the question is, what do you do from here?"

"Wait, does he know?" I looked around nervously to see if we were alone.

"I don't think so. At least I didn't tell him."

I was full-on panicking now. What if he found out? What if everyone found out? What if the girls found out I wasn't gay? She could see I was freaking out, so she gave me an out. "Look, don't worry," she said, "Matt's a good guy. If you're into him, just go slow and we'll figure out a good way to tell him. If you're not interested, just say you're already dating someone. Easy." She gave me a hug and I calmed down a little. We fixed our makeup and walked back.

I sat back down across from Matt and he could tell something was off. "Are you OK?" he asked me.

"Yeah, just finish telling me about what you were saying before." I pretended to listen, but in the back of my mind it had just dawned on me, I couldn't pay attention to anything he was saying and I had butterflies in my stomach. I asked myself how sure I was that I wasn't gay.

A little later, Matt asked me to dance with him. At home I'd been practicing my dance moves in front of the mirror, trying to make them more feminine, and, even though I made him press me to go, secretly I was happy to show off. Matt was dancing close to me, still letting me do my own thing, but close enough that I could feel his body heat. After a couple songs he leaned in and said, "Can I take you out some time?"

I stopped dancing; unable to look him in the eyes, I turned my head to the side and said, "We need to talk."

"OK, let's talk."

We sat down at a free table away from Aby's group.

I was getting really nervous now, not sure what I was going to say. "So, here's the thing," I finally blurted out, "I'm mostly into girls."

"That's OK," he answered, "I'm also mostly into girls too. But that means you're also into guys, right?"

"Wait, you're mostly into girls. Are you being serious? Does that mean you're also into guys?" I asked.

"Um... well, yes."

"So, like, you've dated guys before?"

"Yes." He was looking a little confused now, maybe afraid of where this was leading. This was still the early 90's, and the AIDS crisis was still raging, after all.

"Like, you've had sex with a guy?"

"Does that bother you?"

"No. I just, I just want to know how this works. So, like, if I looked like this, but I was a guy, you'd still want to ask me out?"

"I think you're beautiful and you've got a beautiful soul, and you didn't answer my question. Are you also into guys?"

I finally looked up into his eyes and I melted. There was no point in lying to him or myself. "I'm into you." I said.

"Then can I have your number?"

"No." There was only a single phone line at the house and I had to go into the kitchen to use it. I could just imagine someone calling and asking to speak to "Beth". He looked confused, so I said, "But you can pick me up."

"OK, then let's meet for drinks Friday."

"It's a date."

"Then listen, I'm about to get out of here. Can I give you a ride somewhere, or are you staying?"

I fetched my purse and endured Aby & co's knowing looks and left with Matt. I lived a 20 minute walk away, so we were there in no time. It seemed like it was too soon, so instead of getting out, I just awkwardly said, "Well, this is me." I was fidgeting and nervously looking around the car. He wasn't saying anything, so I finally looked over and we locked eyes. He held my hand; like a reflex, I wetted my lips. He put one hand through my hair, gently running his fingers over my ear and leaned over and kissed me. I felt his tongue enter my mouth and sloppily kissed him back. His hand left my head and ran down my body to my stomach and I became aware that I was shaking visibly.

I'd been so caught up in the moment it hadn't occurred to me that sooner or later I was going to have to tell him I wasn't a girl, and the longer I waited, the worse it was going to be. I abruptly pulled away from him and couldn't stop shaking.

"Sorry, was that too fast?" he asked.

"No. You're great. You've been a gentleman. You're too great. I've just, I, I've uh, I've got to tell you something. But you've got to promise not to freak out, or hit me or anything, OK?"

"Are you all right?" He looked at me with real concern.

I was now on the edge of tears. Everything up until this moment was so nice, and now I was going to ruin it. I couldn't think of what to say, so I just blurted out, "I'm a guy."

"Yeah," he replied, "I figured that out. I mean I honestly didn't notice until you asked me if I'd still like you if you were a guy."

"And you still like me?"

He leaned in and kissed me again. I tried to lean back, but I was still wearing my seatbelt. "Hang on." I removed the seatbelt, scooted over towards him, and we made out. My head was tilted up to his, and his big strong hands wandered over my face, shoulders and arms, and down my sides to my stomach, but he stopped short and didn't push down toward my crotch. I felt safe in his arms. All I wanted was for him to kiss me and hold me. His lips left mine. He began nibbling at my ear and I let out an audible groan. He finally pulled away, and, mere inches from my face, asked, "Does that answer your question?"

We agreed that he would pick me up on Friday at a nearby park so that I wouldn't have to wait in front of my house.

When I got inside, my stomach was still full of butterflies. I snuck into the bathroom to take a shower and as I looked in the mirror to make sure I'd gotten off all my makeup, I was shocked to see a teenage boy looking back at me. It was only then that it dawned on me, I was going on a date with a guy. What the fuck was I going to do? Still just in a towel, I quietly crept into the kitchen and called Aby. Fortunately, she picked up on the 3rd ring, sounding sleepy and slightly drunk.

"Aby, I'm glad you're still awake. I really need your help!"

"OK. Who is this?"

I realized she'd never heard my boy voice before. It was late, but I didn't know who might still be awake so I wasn't going to start using Beth's voice. "Uh, this is Mark. I'm, uh, Beth's brother."

"Beth's brother? Do we know each other? Oh my god! Beth, I didn't recognize your voice!"

"I know. Sorry, I'm calling from home and I don't know who's still awake. Um, look, I'm sorry to call so late, and I'm sorry to use this voice, but I need some, uh, well, um some dating advice."

"Oh my God!" She shrieked so loud that I had to hold the phone away from my head. "Is Matt over there right now!?" Anyone who was awake had definitely heard that.

"No, no. We're meeting on Friday."

"Then tell you what, just come over tomorrow after work and you can tell me everything. OK?"

"OK, thank you."

I was so impatient I came straight from work, still wearing my boy clothes. It was only while I was sitting on the bus that it occurred to me that Aby had never seen me as a boy before.

"Wow, Beth!" she exclaimed as she opened the door, "if it wasn't for the hair, I wouldn't have recognised you."

First she made me recount every detail of what happened after I left the club with Matt. Every kiss and every touch. She seemed very pleased he hadn't gotten too "handsy" right away. Then she broke into an "older sister" act and started giving me dating advice: "Don't sleep with him on the first date", "Don't just say yes to everything because you want him to be happy." and my favorite "When the time comes, make sure he wears a condom." She didn't say whether I should wear one, so it was pretty clear how she thought this was going to play out.

Friday rolled around and I got dolled up in anticipation of my date. I was getting a little more adventurous, so I was wearing a knee length black dress with a ton of lace, fishnet stockings, and black satin gloves that went up past my elbows. If that sounds a little theatrical, you should have seen how everyone else dressed. In the club you'd see a lot of fetish wear, leather, corsets and heavy makeup. I dressed pretty conservatively by comparison. I snuck out of the house and walked the two blocks over to the park to wait for Matt. It was still light and some kids were playing basketball on one side, but the other side was mostly empty. I was too nervous to just sit and wait so I walked over to the swings. Someone had thrown one of them around so that it was up at adult height, and I hopped on. It was up high enough that my feet barely touched the ground, and I started swinging. I was kind of lost in my own little world when I heard someone behind me.