All Comments on 'Summoning the Succubi Pt. 02'

smoothly.

Try to avoid introducing things not relevant to your story, ie "connected wirelessly to my own personal satellite". What bearing does this have one the plot? If you mention it only to mention it, what purpose does it serve?

If you introduce it as a way to develop the character of your protagonist, then don't just make a 'throw away' statement and leave it; spend some time with the idea and actually develop the character with it.

I haven't read enough yet to be certain, but it seems like you are in a hurry, rushing to get the story told and overwith. May be the reason it's short. It takes words to describe situations, develop characters and move the story along; most writers struggle with too many words and need to tighten up their work.

It feels like you need to slow down, and write more.

Keep at it. I'm curious to see how your work progresses.

Slow down there buddy! Way too fast with not much emotion in it because of that. Though still interesting.