Surefoot 49: Tooth and Claw

Weynik smiled, holding up the blade to test its balance again. "Roylans have a long history of swordplay, of course - you and I have practised enough onboard to prove that, Lieutenant - but I was unaware of Caitians employing bladed weapons in combat. I assumed they preferred to use their claws and teeth."

Sasha smiled back and retrieved her sword, sheathing it. "The main combat art of K'Gressir that most Caitians know about does involve utilising claws and teeth, yes, Sir. But it makes sense that they might want a weapon that can bring down an opponent before they can get close enough to use those teeth and claws. Kaetini is the extension of that." She let her hand rest on the hilt. "Sir, I'd like to contact the Surefoot, let my Dad and family know."

The Captain sighed. "Unfortunately, the current mission requires us to remain on Silent Running. You understand."

Sasha couldn't hide her disappointment; if anyone she knew could appreciate this honour best, it was Dad. "I understand, Sir."

"Lieutenant," Kohanim spoke up again. "I appreciate your compliance with Starfleet Regulations in reporting your ownership of this weapon with your Commanding Officer... but I am concerned about this secondary occupation you've accepted, and how it might conflict with your current duties and responsibilities."

Sasha nodded; she wasn't offended by Kohanim's suggestion, because it was something she had considered as well from when Ctuuri informed her last night. "It's not an 'occupation' per se, as I understand it, Sir, but more an honorary rank, like the Klingon Dahar Masters, the Terran Knights or the Andorian Ice Warriors. In the case of the Kaetini, it's awarded to those who have saved Caitian lives, defended the Motherworld, performed bravely, and could be seen as..." Her voice trailed off.

"As what?" Weynik prompted, looking amused.

She flushed, looking at her feet. "Uh, role models, Sir. For the cubs."

The senior officers glanced at each other.

"I'm still learning about it," she added hastily. "Tan - Major Ctuuri - is going through the background of the organisation, the things he and others have done or are expected to do. But I'm not planning on quitting Starfleet to run off back to Cait or anything."

"That's good to hear, Lieutenant," Weynik quipped. "I'd hate to have to go back to doing all those boring reports myself."

"Or more likely getting me to do them," Kohanim agreed dryly.

"And I promise you, we'll get you that transmission window to the Surefoot as soon as this mission is over; I'll bet Wide Load will be so envious he'll only remember to have two breakfasts. Dismissed."

"Aye, Sir." She turned to go.

Weynik waited until she was at his door before adding, "And Sasha?"

She stopped and looked back at him.

He smiled. "I think you'd make a fine role model for the cubs. Now go celebrate in some fashion."

*

Pleasure shot through Sasha again as she moved on top of Madison, gripping his hands tightly in hers, controlling the pace and rhythm of their lovemaking, the scent of amburwood in her quarters now enhanced with hers and her lover's musk, as the soft, sultry sounds of one of the Caitian musician Sgreer Lash's more erotic songs played in the background. She leaned forward, grinning. "Still think I'm putting on weight, Cuddles?"

He grunted, eyes closed, smile as broad as his shoulders. "I don't recall saying anything that stupid; you were probably talking to some quantum reality counterpart of me."

"Yeah, yeah." She quickened her pace slightly, while leaning back and looking once more at the sword she had mounted on the wall beside her bunk. She still couldn't believe it. She was a Kaetini... a Warrior of the Great Mother-

"Hey," Madison chided beneath her. "I'm starting to think I'm in a threesome with that thing."

Sasha looked down at him again, releasing her hold on his hands to wipe the sweat from under her breasts. "Sorry, can't help it. It's a hell of an honour, you know. It goes all the way back to the First Landing of Caitians on Cait-"

He reached up and gently slapped the thighs straddling him. "Focus, girl, focus. You can talk all the Caitian crap you want afterwards."

Her smile dropped, and she stopped her grinding motion on top of him. "It's not crap, Jim."

Madison opened his eyes. "Sorry." He grinned, holding her by the hips and moving against her. "Come on, I'm almost there-"

But she stiffened, frowning now. "You think I talk crap?"

"What? No, of course not!" But then he added, "I mean-"

She rose, dismounting from him and standing up. "Music Off."

He sat up on his elbows, looking at her in the dim light of her quarters. "What's wrong? What are you doing?"

She reached for her briefs and vest. "So I go on all the time about 'the Caitian crap', do I? I'm some yente who can't shut up about something that's a part of her?"

"I didn't mean it like that-"

"Wow, I have no idea how you've put up with me all this time-" She looked back at him, waving a hand towards his erection. "Oh yeah, now I know! You can put that away now, it's definitely not getting any more action from me tonight."

Madison sat up, swinging his legs over the side and reaching for his boxers. "Sash, I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to be insulting-"

She faced him again, hands balled into fists. "You keep telling me what you didn't mean. Ya wanna tell me what you did mean, then?"

He faced her, looking far more vulnerable and on the defensive than one might expect for a man his size - that he was still in his underwear probably didn't help - and he was visibly struggling with finding the right thing to say. "Sash... look, I get it. It's great that you can appreciate your stepfather's people's culture and all that. But... don't you think you take it a bit too far sometimes? You'll eat their food, you'll listen to their music, you'll speak their language and wear their clothes, you'll not groom-"

"Oh, now you have a problem with my hairy pits and legs, huh? You never said anything before! Well, the truth's all coming out now-"

"No!" he snapped back. "I'm saying it's- it's like you're trying to- to be something you're not. Something you'll never be. You're human, you have human parents-"

"I had human parents," she corrected him coldly, reaching for her Caitian silk dressing gown. "I never knew my biological father. My biological mother was taken from me when I was a little girl, and I was raised by two old people who took me in out of an obligation to their dead daughter. I was alone.

And then the man I have always considered my father - and don't you or anyone else even dare try to argue that with me on that, because you'll lose - came back into my life. And introduced me to a woman who has become a second mother to me, who brought me a brother and sister, and a whole clan of grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles and more. They gave me unconditional love and acceptance.

And more. They gave me an identity. One I embrace. And if you have a problem with that, you should go, now."

"Sasha-"

She moved to her door, unlocking it and letting it slide open. "Actually, even if you don't have a problem with it, you should go, now."

"Sasha, you're not being reasonable-"

"Do I have to make it an order, Lieutenant?" she demanded, raising her voice.

Madison stared dumbfoundedly at her. "Can I at least put my trousers before I go out there and run into anyone?"

Sasha waved a hand in his direction. "Hurry up."

He did so, but not without also offering, "I didn't set out to insult you, Sasha, or offend you."

"And you still managed it, well done, now you can go back to your quarters and finish yourself off."

Half-dressed, Madison picked up his boots and left.

Alone now, she paced, still trying, how futilely, to not lose it. She can't keep doing that; even with the properties of her hidden medical kit, her hands, her body, needs time to fully heal, and recent repeated uses would show up in any unexpected medical exam. Control, focus, use the meditation mantras Kami taught you, focus, disperse the rage, the feeling-

She roared aloud, lifting up the back of her chair to smash against the nearest wall-

Her door chimed. "GO TO HELL!"

Immediately she snapped back into control, having no idea who was outside. It could be the Captain, or Kohanim- Seven Hells... She set the chair down, breathed in sharply, putting on a calming face and trying to come up with an excuse for her profanity. "Open."

The door slid aside, and Ctuuri strode in, dressed in casual Caitian civilian clothes, drawing in his tail to let the door slide shut again. "Iray."

She blinked, confused. In the time since his arrival, and his presentation to her as botha fellow Kaetini and her teacher, he had taught her some of the basics of the warming up exercises for Kaetini and their swords, and now he was using the Old Caitian word for the commencement stance. "Um, Tan, now's maybe not the best time, I'm not feeling too well-"

He folded his hands behind him, standing formally. "Lies are not necessary, Cub. Now is actually the best time, as you will soon learn. Iray."

She breathed in, a part of her still feeling angry, deep within... but not wanting to let it control her again. She retrieved her sword from the wall, drew out the blade, and adopted the first exercise stance: sword held straight out, perpendicular to her chest, eyes forward, legs parted.

He remained near the door, giving her as much space as her quarters allowed. "Roa."

She changed positions, stepping forward, blade raised in a forty-five degree angle.

"Telo."

She changed to the next position, surprising herself at quickly she had picked them up.

"Efatra."

Drawing back again, both hands on the hilt, blade raised straight up before her head. This... This was good. Calming. Cathartic.

"Dimy."

She shifted again, her transitions smooth; that she had been undergoing a workout of a different type moments before helped, she realised with a smile.

A smile he noticed, matching it with one of his own, and a further command. "Enina."

She dropped down, sword raised to an overhead opponent. "So... what did you hear in here?"

"The rutting, and the argument which interrupted it."

She felt her skin heat up, holding the Enina stance, waiting for him to give her the word to end, her sword arm beginning to protest. "Sorry, we don't usually have people nearby with hearing acute enough to be disturbed."

"If you know Caitians as well as I know you do, then you'll know that there's no need to apologise for being young and having a sexual appetite. It was the argument which drew me. From what little I heard, there are issues which you need to address."

Sasha swallowed; her arm was shaking now. Why didn't he let her break the pose? He could obviously see she was beginning to struggle now? Was it some test of her endurance, her willpower? She kept her mouth closed, but felt her nostrils expand and contract quickly as she tried to draw more breath.

But he still ignored her, walking around, as if admiring her Caitian decor. "I have had a limited amount of time among humans, but have noted that some, particularly those of Terran origin, allow their natural pride in their own rich cultures to expand into assumption, that theirs are the ones that others should emulate and admire, a fact which many do, given the predominance of Terrans throughout the Federation.

I daresay there's a few who will see you embracing a Caitian identity, and see it as a form of criticism of them. And admittedly, there will be some Caitians who will also see you embracing a Caitian identity, and see it as a form of undeserved appropriation."

Sasha shook, but doubled her efforts to keep still, silently willing her instructor to notice her discomfort and respond.

But he didn't, moving to her table, and her twin Pummels, examining them curiously. "You cannot respond to either camp. Just be who you are, who you want to be. And recognise that your anger tonight might have been fuelled by something inside you, something more than your lover's careless, but perhaps not intentionally malicious words-" He paused, setting down the weapons and seemingly regarding her. "Is there a problem?"

"W-Why-" she gasped, licking her lips, breathing through her mouth now. "Why won't you call Valo, l-let me stop doing this?"

Ctuuri drew closer, leaning in to look into her eyes. "Why won't you ask for help when you clearly need it?" He blinked. "Do you need help?"

She felt a bead of sweat run down her nose. "Y-Yes-"

"Valo."

She lowered her arm, cursing. Smirking, he gently took the sword from her grip before she dropped it, sheathing it once more. "Sit." As she did so, he entered her bathroom and brought back a glass of water for her, setting it on an adjacent desk. "Proud young female... there's no shame in asking for help from others, you know. Kaetini are not invincible warriors with the strength to shatter mountains and race across oceans. We are all very, very mortal. We are flawed, and far from perfect. But we should be strong enough to ask for help. I say this, both as your instructor, and as a father, speaking on behalf of your own."

He reached for another chair, spinning it around so he could straddle it and let his tail swish behind him. He rested his arms on the back of the chair, regarding her, speaking with a more confidential tone. "When I was younger than you, I served during the last Ferasan War, on Peheri and Bonnevis. I was supposed to be on the sidelines, focusing on Electronic Counter Measures at our outposts... but on more than one occasion, when things fell apart, I ended up fighting tooth and claw alongside the Sabrecats and the Infantry.

I survived, of course, and went on to further engagements in the War. But... I was terrified. After each firefight, I was certain that the next one would be my last, that I was living on borrowed time, and that I would never see my wife and cub again, that there wouldn't be anything left of me to send back to them.

I couldn't sleep, afraid of the nightmares, of feeling the Ferasan teeth at my throat again in my head, as they had done in real life, and waking up having pissed the bed once more. I couldn't hold down food, couldn't focus. My rage, my fear, lay just under my fur, each feeding the other. I was clearly suffering from PTSD, I recognised the symptoms, but kept it to myself... even when I was repeatedly harming myself, just to feel something other than the terror."

He stared at her. "Does any of this sound familiar?"

Sasha swallowed, feeling a kinship in the male's confession, even more so than during her Counseling sessions with Kami... and also feeling shame in her own actions, in this very room. She knew she wasn't behaving normally, she knew she needed help.

"I'm scared," she finally whispered. "Scared of the War. Scared of being hurt again. Scared of having to kill again. I can't get away from it. I- I mean, I know I could, if I resigned, returned home to Cait, b-but I can't leave it to others to do. I know my being here can still make a difference. If I save one life, even just one, it'd b-be worth it. But... I'm still scared."

Ctuuri reached out and took her hands in his own, squeezing warmly. "Sasha, I am not here just to teach you Kaetini swordskills and our history and our secret handshake and passwords. I am here to share our experiences, and to offer you counsel and support.

We are encouraged to keep accounts of ourselves; there are centuries' worth in our records, which you will now have access to, and which can only be accessed by fellow Kaetini.

Do not read them expecting mighty ballads of paragons of strength and honour overcoming impossible odds. A Kaetini who calls themselves Hero is no Kaetini.

No, these journals are merely captured moments of males and females who have feared and failed, and cried and roared, and prayed to have the burden they have taken on lifted from them - but still picked themselves up to do what is necessary. They are affirmations that you are not alone in how you feel. The dead, and the living, are here to help you."

She swallowed. "Tell me more... please..."

*

"Jim?"

Madison was hunched over a systems table, recalibrating the interface, when Sasha approached. Now he straightened up, standing formally, his expression stiff. "Yes, Lieutenant Hrelle?"

Sasha stopped before him, expecting and understanding his reaction. It had been over a day since their fight, and she hadn't seen him, partly because of their conflicting schedules, partly because she suspected he was avoiding her... and partly because she knew she had been avoiding this conversation.

But she had been spending all of her free time with Ctuuri, confiding in him, and his advice on how to resolve this situation had been sound. She softened her voice, her expression, contrasting his own. "Jim... I'm sorry for reacting the way I did with you. I've been working through a lot of personal problems, a lot of stress, and that struggle fuelled how I responded to you. That's an explanation, not an excuse. I have no excuse. And I hope you can forgive me."

Madison regarded her, his expression remaining stony. "Is that it, Lieutenant?"

She blinked. "Well, if it'll help, you can give me a kick in the ass."

His expression wavered now... and a more welcome glint returned to his eyes. "Really? I'll need bigger boots on. Much bigger. Your shuris-padded ass covers whole sectors of space."

She snorted. "Keep making remarks like that, Mrs Madison, and you can just kiss it instead of kick it."

He shrugged. "I'm up for both. Like I said, there's a lot there-"

"Madison!"

Both officers started at the shout from Maryk from the other side of Engineering, and looked to see her march in their direction.

"Uh oh," Madison muttered. "Which of us said her name three times?"

The redheaded Russian strode up to them, standing a head shorter than Sasha and twice that with Madison, but more than compensating with fire. "Madison! You should have finished that recalibration by now! And you would have, if you weren't flirting with your little girlfriend here!"

Madison blushed. "Yes, Chief! Sorry, Chief!" He spared a final look at Sasha before returning to his duties.

Madison turned to Sasha now. "As for you, Lieutenant, is there a legitimate reason you're down here in my Engineering?"

Sasha had been prepared to apologise and go; despite technically outranking Maryk, both as Lieutenant and Second Officer, it was Starfleet practice to acknowledge a veteran non-com like Maryk's authority in her own department. Instead, she stood her ground and replied, "As a matter of fact, Chief, I do: I came to thank you."

Maryk frowned suspiciously. "Thank me? What the hell for?"

"For your professional response to the unusual conditions imposed upon you by our classified mission." She nodded in the direction of where the Prowl unit was installed. "It's a credit to you that you would be uncomfortable with a piece of unknown technology being added to your machinery, just as it's a credit that you understand the reasons behind the secrecy, and have worked hard to otherwise maintain the superlative levels of quality and efficiency we've come to expect of you. Thank you."

Then she drew Maryk into a big bear hug.

One which the older woman practically fought her way out of. "Get off me! Save it for Madison when he's off duty, or get yourself spayed and spare the rest of us whatever Caitian heat you're in!" She glanced around, noting some Engineering Assistants at a nearby Jefferies Tube hatchway had witnessed the display. "You want double duties? It can be arranged!"