tagHow ToSurviving the Night

Surviving the Night

bySean Renaud©

There are lots and lots of survival guides teaching you how to survive hunting the creatures that go bump in the night. Guides on how to persevere through attacks by aliens and robot menaces and even manuals on what to do if there is an outbreak of the Black Plague in the world. Most of those instructions are roughly the same anyway. Stay hydrated, keep your weapons nearby, don't do anything stupid because it's you know, stupid. What's currently lacking in the world are any definitive guides on how to survive if you are one of the things that goes bump in the night. There are a couple of reasons for this and it would probably behoove us to explore a few of them before getting any farther along in this conversation.

The reason there aren't a lot of guides telling you how to survive the world of darkness is because the majority of humans simply don't want you to survive very long. Sure there's this current mini-kick (I'll explain why I call it a mini-kick in a second) of pro-vampire propaganda floating around right now but that's really about it. They for the most part though don't show creatures of the night as we. . .as you really are. Go watch True Blood or Vampire Diaries. For every good vampire they show off there are a dozen who are souless monsters eager to destroy the world. It's not exactly an engine pushing your kind as something deserving of life is it? Twilight is about as close as it gets and just it'll be a cold day in Hell before I put on glitter and play baseball during a thunderstorm. (Getting hit with lightning is extremely unpleasant, or so I'm told.) So the first thing you need to understand is that the humans don't want you to survive. Don't look to them for help and do not trust them. Not ever. If you are forced to reveal yourself leave as soon as possible after that if you value your life or theirs. (But you shouldn't value their lives anymore than a run of the mill human values the life of a chicken, pig or cow.)

The next thing on our list is something that far too many young monsters make. Don't go looking for trouble. If I didn't know from personal. . .completely fictional. . .experience that this rule needs to come early in the list. It seems like common sense to me but apparently it's not. I know you think you're all bad ass with your new found ability to hear a cricket fart in the next room (neat ain't it?) or how you can actually smell the delicious aroma of fear on those delicious little Happy Meals with legs but you need to remember you are not invincible. There are a lot of things running around that make you look like an insect, small an utterly irrelevant. Some of them are bigger badder monsters who eat things like you for lunch with a side of fries. The only thing you can do about them though is learn to identify them quickly and accurately and stay out their way. There is something else wandering the world that pose a far more immediate threat to people.


Here's the skinny on hunters. They come in all sorts of varieties and all different kinds of names. Slayers and Hunters are the two most common terms, sometimes they have the backing of some kind of government or large organization, sometimes they don't. Either way they should be avoided. I know how it is to be young and dumb. There was a time when I was still only a few hundred years old and I used to do the same thing. Get together with a couple of my mates over a pint of blood, roast baby, BBQ virgin or what have you and talking about how you going to find one of these vigilantes rip off their heads, piss down their throats, make their children watch and wear their parent's skin as Halloween costumes. Don't do it. First because any self respecting creature of the night takes Halloween off, it's been that way since it got all commercialized, there are plenty of holidays just for our (your, I mean your) people you can leave that one night to the humans and the posers. Second because they will kill you. This is what they do for a living and you're just a dumb ass trying to make a name for yourself. If you are meant to have a name (how many important humans can you name? Out of the billions on this planet less than a few thousand matter on the grand scale) that people will remember fame will come to you and not because you decided to go picking fights with professional murderers.

Learn your limitations and learn them quickly. If you have a maker ask them questions and if they don't know the answers find a safe way to test them. Not all of you have fatal sunlight allergies, some of you have to untie every knot in a rope before you can move on. Some of you can't cross water or will be killed by iron or wood. I once heard of a breed of monster that could only be killed with disodium tetraborate. Cocky sonsofbitches thought they were invincible until they ran across of all things a bunch of angry janitors. The point here though is to know what you're weak to and then do your best to either stay away from it entirely (I can't stress enough why vampires should live in houses with lots of metal and plastic furniture when possible. Stuff that can't burn and won't make a stake particularly well. It might cost a little extra but you'll be five finger discounting quite a bit in the early years anyway.) or at least be fully aware of it.

Which lead me to my next point. I'm not saying stealing isn't fun, so is smashing stuff but you kinda want to keep a low profile if you don't want to get killed. Either by a hunter or by something like me who's had enough unwanted attention to last until the stars go cold and will gladly wipe out a little grease stain like yourself so I can be left alone for a few more decades. When you can use money, it just makes things easier and everybody is always getting on our shit for not having brilliant portfolios. Well let me tell you being immortal doesn't give you brilliant insight so stick to just gathering physical things and calling it a day.

So that should about cover the things you need to know. Basically don't be an idiot, don't start shit you can't finish and above everything else know your limitations. If you need any help don't come find me. I tend to kill intruders on sight.

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