Surviving the ravages of life

She dragged me in by the hand, where she stood standing in only a tiny pair of sexy bikini cut briefs, and the bra. She posed hands on hips, her breasts pushed up. "What do you think?"

Swallowing my gasp. I mumbled. "Very nice."

"You like?" She twirled hands above her head. "Be honest, do they look okay? They feel awesome."

It was one of those moments, I wanted to look away, but my eyes refused to listen. I tried not to be obvious, but good lord, she looked absolutely gorgeous.

"You look stunning." I finally managed to blurt out. She hugged me, a little kiss on my cheek. "Babe, could you find me a pair of matching panties. I did see them out their."

I stumbled out through the curtain. My heart thumping, my mind spinning. "Well?" The assistant asked.

"She would like to try on some matching panties."

"Right, what style? There's a couple of options. The thong, which is probably the most popular, or there's the really high cut French style."

"Um... both perhaps?" I poked my hand in through the curtain, the briefs hanging from my hand.

"Don't stand out there. Come in, I need your opinion."

I watched in horror, merged with wanton lust as she shimmied out of her old panties, and then slipped the new ones up her very shapely legs.

The thong fitted well, like a Christmas present it covered just enough. Her naked mound looked inviting. A cute little vulva... "Stop it." I chastised myself.

"I love them." She announced, as her hands ran up and down her thighs. "Although, I do like the others. Hang on to these, while I try them on." She slipped the thong down, stepped out of them and then turned away, bending over, her arse staring me deliciously in the face as she picked up the others.

"This is so wrong." I lamented. "So very very wrong." If only my eyes would listen.

That exercise was repeated several times as she decided on a sexy corset, and several slips.

By the time we got back out into the mall, her earlier bright demeanour had returned. She held my hand, leaned against me as we walked through the mall.

Shoe shops, bags, we spent a good hour drooling over some very expensive hand bags.

She glanced at her phone, as we strolled towards the exit. "We should get something to eat. Are you free for dinner? Like... No date?"

"No date, and yes. I'm quite hungry myself."

"There's a seafood restaurant we passed just back towards the rise." She suggested.

"I was thinking, perhaps Paddingtons, I like the food there."

She looked a little uncomfortable. "It'll be packed."

"Yes, but I've never had a problem getting a table. Phoebe, I selected it for a reason. It would be good for you to be around people, in a more intimate setting."

She sighed. "Yeah, okay, but you can't wander off and leave me alone."

"I said I would stay with you. Lets treat it as a test."

She was right, it was packed, and there were a lot of people milling around the bar. Clearly workers popping in for a drink after work. Her grasp tightened as we pushed through the crowd to get to the bar. I ordered a couple of margarita's, and asked if there was a free table. The barman pointed to a small table for two off to the side.

"oh god. How did you know I love these things?" She said gigglingly, as we sat down.

"I didn't, but they are a favourite of mine."

"Choice, I love them too."

We sipped our drinks, the conversation a little stilted, awkward.

"Do you go out much?" She asked.

"Occasionally. There's a couple of clubs, you know."

"Do you mean like gay clubs? I've never been to one. Is it fun?"

"Yes, and safe. There's a couple up on K road."

"I can't believe you're single." She gushed. "I mean, you're super pretty, clever, and fun. You should have a hot partner."

Trying to suppress the reddening blush, I mumbled. "Thanks, but I'm not really looking. After my last relationship ended I decided to focus on me."

"What happened?"

"Nothing dramatic. Just two people in different spaces. I did love her, but, we wanted different things."

She looked embarrassed as she said. "Can I ask you a question? It's kinda personal though."

"Go on."

"What's the sex like... Is it like always hot and you can't keep your hands off each other?"

"Phoebe, it's probably like it is for heterosexuals. At first, it's like that. The honeymoon, but then it slips back into a phase where we learn about each other. I can't compare, I've never really had a relationship with a man."

"God, if I was with you, I wouldn't be able to stop myself. I'd want you all the time."

Stunned, I gulped my drink in one go, and she followed suit. "I'll get us another." I spluttered in a hurry to get away from the table. "Blimmin heck..." I repeated to myself. Ordering the drinks, I glanced back at the table, and her eyes were fixed on me. "Shit."

"I'm sorry." She gushed as I sat back down. "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. You looked horrified."

"Shocked, actually Phoebe, not horrified. There's a difference. Sometimes, patients become attached to their therapists. It's called De Clerambault's syndrome or erotomania, sometimes, it's referred to as transference."

"No, please don't say that. I think you're so pretty. I've never felt like this about another woman. I am attracted to you."

"Phoebe, you're my patient."

"Sara, I've seen the way you look at me. In the fitting room today. It was mean of me, but I had to know if you felt the same way."

"Phoebe..."

"No, don't bullshit me Sara. You are attracted to me aren't you."

"Shit, every person in the city would be attracted to you. You are absolutely gorgeous."

"Wow." She mumbled, as she leaned back in her chair. "You think that?"

"I know it. Look around Phoebe. There are hundreds of men in here, almost every single one of them has checked you out."

She blushed. "But I don't care about them. I care about you."

"I can't Phoebe. There are rules about patient doctor relationships. Especially for phycologists. You're in a very vulnerable state at the moment. You're recovering from a very traumatic experience. Your judgement could be clouded, and you're reaching out."

"No, I know it could look that way, and I have been in a dark place. This is separate."

She gulped her drink quickly. And reached for my glass. "Hurry." She chided.

"You're going to the bar?"

"Yeah, I want to prove how much I have progressed." I like her. Gulped my drink.

She walked away, and I knew without looking around the room. Every eye was on her, just like mine.

At the bar though, things changed quickly. She might have been feeling brave, but as a group of guys surrounded her, and one clearly tried to hit on her. I saw her behaviour change. She looked instantly anxious and uncomfortable. The guy was clumsy and all over her trying to impress. Attired in an expensive fashionable suit.

Time to act, I walked up to her, pushing between him and her. "Hey, Phoebe, do you need a hand to carry the drinks?"

The guy looked pissed. "Excuse me, I was talking to the young lady. Don't be so damned rude."

Glancing at Phoebe, I asked. "Were you talking?"

She shook her head. Turning back to him I growled. "It must have been a one way conversation I guess."

The barman returned with the drinks, I passed one to Phoebe, and picked up the other, waving my credit card over the machine as we turned and walked away.

"What a jerk." She hissed. "He wouldn't take no for an answer."

"It's all right. He was just a little pushy. I think you would have dealt with him without breaking a sweat a few months ago."

"Yeah, but now, it's like the fear just grips me, and I freeze."

"It will get better, Phoebe. At the moment, you are still surfacing. Imagine you have been swimming, dived down, and you have broken the surface, taking your first breath. Once your lungs are full, the mists will clear."

"I feel like such a mousy scaredy cat."

"Stop it... Take a breath. What say we order something to eat?"

She nodded, and I took our orders up to the bar.

As I sat down with our table number flag, she said. "I was serious you know."

"About what?"

"You, I'm attracted to you. Your story, how you survived. It touched me."

"No, you are reaching out... Grabbing the first thing that floats by. Have you ever looked at other women and wondered?"

"No?"

"Then why now Phoebe. You had a horrific experience with a man, you were scared, and now from out of the blue you are attracted to me."

"Why won't you take me seriously.? I'm not an idiot."

Reaching for her hand, I held it tightly. "I never said you were. I like you a lot. I think you are an incredible young woman. Think about it Phoebe. Your whole world has crashed down around you. You're searching for a life preserver."

"You don't think I could be attracted to you?"

"Honey, I am ten years older than you, I am your therapist. Don't you think it's strange?"

Our meals arrived, and we picked at it. Neither of us fully committing to it. Every time I glanced up, I caught her looking away, god she was so vulnerable.

It took a while to pick through our food, then I ordered another couple of drinks. One thing for sure, there was going to be no driving home tonight. I was feeling the effects.

Phoebe, went back to the bar, this time holding her head up, ignoring the awkward approaches and sleazy chat up lines.

Staggering was the descriptor as we stumbled and leaned against each other. Luckily there was a taxi on the rank opposite. We slid into the back seat and, I gave the driver Phoebe's address.

Climbing out, she leaned against the taxi. "Are you coming up for a drink?"

"No, I have to go, I cannot do this Phoebe."

"Love you." She whispered slamming the door shut.

I didn't see her for two weeks, she never came back to the support group. It was her session on a rainy Wednesday when she walked back in. Surprised that she actually showed up. I greeted her warmly. "Hello, Phoebe, how have you been?"

"Fine." She muttered curtly.

"Tea, or coffee?"

"Tea would be nice."

Swirling the tea bags in the cups, I asked. "Have you started back at work?"

"Yeah."

"How have you been coping?"

"Fine, it's been okay."

"Must be nice to be back amongst all of your friends?"

"No, not really. Everybody keeps saying sorry. They avoid me because they don't know what to say. It feels odd."

"It is hard when a friend goes through something so traumatic. Our first response is to say sorry, then the glib stuff like. I understand. You summed it well. They don't know what to say."

"I got notification, his trial is in two weeks."

"Yes, I got the same one. Are you going to go?"

"No, I don't ever want to see him again."

"I can understand that."

"What about you, are you going?"

I nodded. "Yes, I have been requested to read out your statement, and to give my review of how you are coping."

"What will you say?"

"I will be honest. You aren't coping, you struggle with relationships. No longer trust men, cannot participate in large groups. Stay at home because you're scared to go out alone."

She nodded, sipped her tea, but couldn't look at me directly.

"How did he plea?"

"He has pleaded guilty to the rape, and grievous bodily harm, but not guilty to the attempted murder."

"Can he get off?"

"I hope not. I have talked to the police prosecutor. He thinks we have a solid case, and he will be found guilty."

"Good, I hope he rots in hell."

I raised my cup in salute. "Amen to that."

It felt strangled, her answers to questions were brief, and sullen.

"I was wondering if you could recommend another therapist." She blurted out. Eyes averted.

"Yes, I can, and I think that's a good idea." I said trying to sound confident.

"You do?"

"Yes, In some ways, we became to close to be doctor patient. We are, at least I hope we are friends."

"You're just gonna throw me away?" She spluttered angrily. "You don't really care for me at all do you?"

"What... That's silly. You just asked me to find you a new therapist."

"I didn't think you'd do it. I thought you'd ask me to stay."

"I can't Phoebe. Since we last spoke, I have been going over my actions. I am not sure I have acted in your best interests. More serving my own."

"What the fuck Sara. What does that mean?"

"It means, I like you. I'm deeply attracted to you. When you showed a positive response. I was shocked, and I knew I was not behaving as a therapist. I was behaving like a friend, a very desirous friend."

"You're attracted to me... But you said..."

"Forget what I said. I was trying to do the right thing. I want you to get back to your normal life. I want you to enjoy living, be open to relationships."

"Then why cast me off?"

"Phoebe, I like you. I cannot separate me from you at the moment. What's best for me, isn't necessarily best for you. At the moment, you are so vulnerable, searching for something to cling onto. I would love to be that. I cannot do it, not while I am your therapist."

She looked stunned, the tears that weaved down her cheeks dried up. "You like me, as in actually like me?"

"Yes, very much so?" I sighed defeated by my own desires.

"Romantically like?"

"Yes, god help me."

"Why are you sitting behind your desk?" She asked quizzically. "You never sit behind it."

"I thought for today it best. I am not sure I trust myself."

She snorted sceptically. "What were you going to do... Jump on me?"

"Yes, that was one option."

She giggled disbelievingly. "You're serious?"

"Yes, very. Phoebe, I have been so attracted to you, my behaviour has been very unprofessional, unethical even."

"Silly, you haven't done anything."

"I wanted to."

"OH my God, really?"

"Yes, it's been so hard to not pull you into my arms and kiss you."

"Wow, shit. You might not realise, but I dreamed about exactly that."

"So did I." I confessed. "Several times."

Her eyes were as big as saucers as she stared at me. "Did you cum?"

"Yes."

"Me too." She admitted. "I hadn't masturbated for a long time, but that night. My kitty was red."

"Phoebe. Stop please. I have already discussed your case with another therapist. Her name is Kate, and she is very good. I want you to see her, talk to her."

"What am I supposed to say to her?"

"I have already told her you and I have become to close for me to work with you."

"I don't want to talk to somebody else. They won't understand. Not like you do."

"Kate is fabulous. We have known each other for many years. I promise, you will find her easy to talk to."

"What about us?"

"Phoebe, there can't be an us. I like you, but I know how fragile the veneer you wear is. I cannot in all faith take advantage of you, exploit your susceptibility."

"This is bullshit Sara, one minute you tell me you have feelings for me, and the next you're exiling me from your life."

"This isn't easy for me Phoebe. I like you a lot. You have to understand, how unethical it would be for me to abuse my position. I'm your therapist. My job is to heal you."

"You could do that by being my friend." She whimpered, the tears of earlier returning like a deluge. "I need you Sara, you can't just wash your hands of me, throw me in the rubbish like yesterdays lunch wrapper. I have feelings too you know."

"Yes, of course you do. We could still be friends, but later, not now."

The loud slap, rang around the room, as Phoebe rushed for the door. "Fuck you Sara."

My face stung, the angry red mark spreading. The slap took me by surprise. I rubbed it gently, moving my jaw to relive the stinging pain.

*****

"Do you think she'll call me, Sara?"

"I hope so Kate. I'm really worried about her."

"She sounds like a strong young woman. I don't understand why you no longer want to see, her. Or what went wrong, but I shall follow up with her."

"Thanks Kate. There wasn't anything sinister about it. I felt like we were getting to close. I simply reasoned, that a fresh set of ears may help her over the line."

"It will be fine. I will let you know how we get along."

I hoped it would be that easy. Whether she liked it or not, Phoebe, wasn't out of the woods yet.

For the most part, I tried to put her out of my mind. Work, I buried myself in it. The bi weekly support groups offered, exactly that support.

Within the groups it was supposed to be me offering them support, but listening to their shares, their stories. Well, it eased my own malaise by absorbing and releasing empathy with them. I baked... My go to relief mechanism. When sad, bake... Angry, bake... Phoebe, I worried, but I had to leave her in Kate's very reliable hands.

"Oh for gods sake, Sara. You can't sit at home moping forever. You haven't been on a date for bloody months. Come on, it's just Caitlyn and me.'

"Yeah, fine, have it your way Megan. Where are we going?"

"The family bar, where else. There's bound to be somebody there who'll pique your interest. Never know sweets, you might actually get lucky."

"Whatever..."

"Oh come on... If you don't do somebody, it'll dry up all together."

"Shut up, really Megan..."

"Stop it, we'll merely have a few drinks, dance, catch up and enjoy life for once."

"Dinner, maybe... Splor for food first?" I suggested.

"Probably a good idea."

I heard the honk of the taxi horn, and rushed outside. Megan, threw open the door and welcomed me into the taxi. A brief kiss, with her, then Caitlyn.

We giggled and laughed the whole way. I have to admit. I 'd forgotten how much fun these two were. The food was delicious, the cocktails were extortionary, but nice. There were other friends as well. Yes, I had become a little reclusive.

Breakups will do that too you. Saffron, I thought she might have been the one. No... Gorgeous, and lovable but when it boiled down. We were on opposite ends of the spectrum. It wasn't just the sex, it was life. She sought out fun, and drama, whereas, I wanted to stay home and cuddle.

The talk... It had been a long time coming, and like all breakups, it was full of pain and anguish.

Walking into The Family bar at eleven, feeling very wobbly. The music assaulted us, the powerful bass punching us hard. The floor heaving with dancing swirling bodies. The heat was furnace like. We had to fight to get to the bar. It was my round again. How did that happen?

With drinks in hand, we weaved our way towards some lean on tables by the wall. Some friendly faces wanted hugs and kisses. Catch ups, and then out into the mashed space, the sweltering moving throng of dancers. The DJ, hit it, he had us all moving. We moved with the crowd, you could never win it was just follow the sweaty heaving bodies as they mashed against us.

We stayed tight, Megan with her hands up high, gyrating and swirling her version of the dance of the seven veils. Caitlyn, drunker, clumsier with her arms over my shoulder for support. She sang loudly, moved seductively.

I sniggered, that had been a long time ago, Caitlyn and I. That flame burned hot, to hot to last. It was a casual thing, but there was no doubting her sexuality. She was way to submissive for me. She wanted to be a pet, and I wanted more. Still, we were mates, besties, and I loved her free spiritedness. Her sensuality.

With a collision of bodies, Caitlyn screamed. "Ashley, babe. When did you get here?" Like that, she was in her arms and they merged into the thong.

I danced by myself, well, with the two hundred other helpless souls. Trapped in the murderously loud thumping music.

The crash of a body barging into me, caused me to glance up. "Phoebe..."

She smirked coldly. "Fancy meeting you here?"

"Imagine that." I replied. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm on a date."

Staring past her, I saw a woman I recognised. We weren't friends, but I had seen her around. "A date huh."

"At least somebody wants me." She spat accusingly at me.