Sweet Highs and Bitter Lows

Skylar caught herself staring out the window towards the courtyard below. The beige walls that couldn't decide if they were terra cotta or just painted concrete glowed harshly in the hot, summer evening. The dead tree in the center of the shared patio below rattled as two kids played tag around it, the runner faking left or right while the chaser gripped the thin, brittle trunk, looking to gain a boost from it once their prey finally chose a direction. Skylar tried to smile at the image, but the melancholy of the afternoon was too heavy for her.

It had only been a year since she had moved to this part of the city, three months since she had moved in with Robbie. At the time it had been an exciting decision. Her first time feeling attached to someone enough to tether her life to theirs. It had flown in the face of what she had always thought about herself, that she would be happier living on her own, free to be a nomad in life, wandering from home to home, experiencing every different walk of life she could. Settling down with anyone else was contradictory to this. When she had agreed to move in with Robbie, she had acknowledged that fact to herself, but had subsequently told herself that it was different now that she felt the way she did about Robbie.

He had been such a cool presence in her life. A laid-back junior programmer at a small tech company in town had such a put-together sound to it. He had a steady job that, though it didn't pay as much as one would like in the tech field, at least paid consistently, much like her vocation at the smoothie shop she still worked at. On top of that, he was a skater on the side, living out a strangely out-of-place hobby roughly three decades too late, making videos to post online that would have looked better on a bootleg tape in the 90's alongside the likes of Tony Hawk or Rodney Mullen. He was a man transposed from one decade into another and Skylar couldn't get enough.

She had loved going out with him to the skate parks and watching him with his buddies while she sat and cheered along with the other watchers. That was how she had met him, in fact. One day while walking home to her own studio apartment she had seen the gang out at the park and decided to stop and watch. She supposed it was her own punk vibe, with a pixie-cut that changed colors every few weeks that caught Robbie's eyes. That and her general attractiveness didn't hurt. Skylar tried not to let her own good fortune get to her head, but she knew it was pointless to deny that her petite frame, which she kept fit through cycling and generally keeping herself out and about, with tanned skin, kept that way through secret bouts of topless sunbathing on the roof of her apartment, was a natural gift when it came to catching an eye or more from people she passed.

Regardless of the reason, on the third day of watching the skaters, Robbie was the first to come over to her and introduce himself. Skylar was smitten quickly by his persona, which seemed far less eager to impress than the rest of the guys and girls at the park. They may all act like they don't care, but Robbie had a way of showing that it was true while the others only showed that their actions and drive for attention didn't match their words of saying they had nothing to prove.

Talking turned to dating, which then turned to staying over at one-another's places, and finally evolved into Skylar leaving her dingy and tiny apartment to join Robbie in his dingy and slightly less tiny apartment. It had all been an exciting rush for Skylar. One that she had ridden for the few months they had been living together.

But time rapidly started to take a toll on Skylar as the monotony of being tied down began to reveal itself in full to her. Robbie's unique schedule of working when he wanted to and skating the rest of the time had been fun and exciting for a while. There was always a lack of clarity to when the next time they would be together would be, given Skylar's ever adjusting shift work at the smoothie shop and Robbie's wanton disregard for clocks. Each day, Skylar would wake up and wonder if Robbie would be awake at all by the time she left for work. And if he did awaken before she left, would it be as she was walking out the door, or with hours for them to spend together first? It was all unsure and each night when they were in bed, there was an excitement about what the next day would bring.

But soon even that began to fall into a pattern. Robbie would cycle through moods of working late or working early, always fitting it in around his plans with the skate crew about where and when they wanted to go out. Though Skylar admired that Robbie was a man willing to do what he wanted, where, and when he wanted, it started to become difficult to feel that there was a proper relationship at all.

There wasn't an immaturity about Robbie. Of all his friends, he was the cleanest cut, often looking out of place with his standard male business hair and tendency to wear well-fitting jeans with a flannel or just a t-shirt, depending on the weather. And he always got his work done. There was never a fear between the two of them whether the bills would get paid or not.

But despite all of that, Skylar noticed the trend that the time they spent together was relegated to three times and places: in the mornings when they were both awake and home, in the evenings, when they were both awake and home, and when Skylar had time and energy to follow Robbie out to the skate parks. There were no dates, no shared activities, no meaningful conversations. Simply coexisting with Skylar feeling like she either had to keep up with Robbie or recognize that she wouldn't be seeing him.

It was confusing to Skylar. As she sat there, gazing out the window, she couldn't exactly point out anything that either of them was doing wrong. They both said the nice things couples should say to each other. They were supportive and didn't argue with one another. Neither was cheating or keeping secrets, as far as Skylar could tell. In the bedroom they were incredibly compatible. On paper, everything should have been stellar. But it all somehow felt wrong.

Over the past couple weeks, Skylar had started to notice the magic of it all wearing off. Her excitement about watching Robbie skate was gone, replaced with a more mundane sense of not having anything better to do. What few conversations they had had grown smaller and more routine, relegated simply to asking what the other wanted to eat, or who should shower first based on the day's work schedules. The excitement she had felt whenever he made it home in the evenings had become a more measured recognition of his return. Skylar wouldn't have used the word tedious about it, but she could feel herself having to try harder to find the same happiness that she had so easily fallen backwards into three months ago.

A rattle of keys and a series of clicks at the door brought Skylar's attention back to the present. A measured recognition filled her as Robbie opened the door to the apartment.

Skylar quickly closed her laptop, which had been sitting on the coffee table with the different apartment websites still open and showing what studio options they had available.

"Hey babe, you're home earlier than you thought." Skylar called as she stood up to walk towards the door and greet Robbie dutifully.

Robbie smiled as he set his work bag on the kitchen counter and leaned in to give Skylar a peck on the lips. "Yeah! Turns out the other teams weren't ready with their shares of the project we were all working on so mine gets the next couple days on easy street while they catch up! It's a nice day so I figured I'd head home to do something fun."

Skylar smiled at the kiss and the thought of maybe spending the afternoon together. Robbie was such a happy guy that it was hard to not get swept up in his positivity, even when she had been thinking about the struggles between them only moments ago.

That was a source of so much of Skylar's insecurities. While she slowly felt their relationship changing and cooling around her, Robbie seemed completely oblivious, as happy as ever with how things were. It made her wonder if this is just what relationships felt like. If maybe it was on her to learn to let the Disney Princess vision of "love" go. At only 21 and never having had a serious relationship lasting more than two or three months, Skylar had very little experience to set a baseline on what to expect.

So, as Robbie loosened his tie and untucked his shirt, transforming effortlessly from his work attire into street persona, Skylar tried to settle into the warmth of the mood that radiated from him and filled the room.

"Nice! I mean, not 'nice' of everyone else falling behind, but 'nice' for having your own extra freedom. Got anything in mind to do for the afternoon?" Skylar thought through a few possibilities including catching a movie, maybe hitting up the public beach at the lake that was about thirty minutes south of the city, or even seeing if there were any sort of festivals happening downtown. It was the time of year when nearly every culture had a heritage festival with curio shops and food stalls in the downtown park or the county fairgrounds just outside of the city.

"I was thinking I might catch up with the gang. They were going to go check out the new rails they just replaced at Tarrance Park. Should be some good action if you want to join!" Robbie was already making his way to the bedroom to grab his board from the closet where he liked to keep them neatly organized.

Skylar felt her mood sink. There was no malice in Robbie, and she knew it was just the way he was. But another day of him skating with her being invited as a cheer squad member wasn't exactly the surprise afternoon out that she had let herself hope for. It was just another day of the same old thing.

"Oh, nah, I think I'll hang out here instead," Skylar called to Robbie as she heard him rummaging through his gear.

Robbie didn't say anything until he was back out in the main room where Skylar stood. To his credit, he had a look of mild concern as he asked, "You don't want to join today? Is everything good?"

It was just another example to Skylar of how she couldn't understand why she wasn't feeling as close to Robbie as she had only months ago. He said the right things and even showed concern for her when she was acting off center. But she couldn't bring herself to explain what was wrong. She knew it wasn't fair of her to not say anything to Robbie and that if there was any hope for improvement, she would have to do exactly that. It was more that she was afraid that talking wouldn't make a difference. Robbie wouldn't intentionally or maliciously tell her that he wouldn't change. In fact, she suspected that he probably would make efforts to change, at least for a while.

But Skylar knew Robbie and knew that his natural impulse wasn't one that meshed with hers. If he started to change for her, he would always be looking back. If she told him she wanted to go out at any point, he would agree and be a good boyfriend. But he would always be looking at the clock, patiently waiting for when he could get back to doing what he wanted. He would never instinctively want to hang out with her. At best, he would continue to want her to hang out with him, which was a subtle difference but one that mattered to Skylar. If she was going to abandon her fantasies of exploring life for the sake of settling down, she at least wanted a partner who could take turns leading and following.

So, with all this complicated emotion running through Skylar's mind, the struggle of wanting something different, the memory of what she had thought her life would be like, and the guilt for being in this position and making her strangely contradictory thoughts Robbie's problem, Skylar simply smiled and said, "Yeah, I'm good. Just feeling a little worn out from working the late shift last night. I think I might take a nap or something."

Robbie, always quick to believe what others told him, smiled, placated, and said, "Okay, if you're sure. A nap is a good idea."

Setting the skateboard against the front door, Robbie turned to Skylar, wrapping her in a gentle hug and kissing her on the forehead when she didn't immediately lift her head for a kiss on the lips. It was a tender hug and Skylar could feel the affection in it, which only added to the conflict in Skylar. Robbie was such a pure soul and she felt bad, letting him feel so secure while she had growing doubts.

But, if Robbie had any inclination that all wasn't as well, he gave no sign as he smiled and grabbed his board, turning to Skylar on his way out the door to say, "Feel better, babe!"

As the door closed and after Robbie had re-locked the door (a good habit from when he lived alone in sketchier parts of town that he had maintained even after Skylar moved in), Skylar hung her head and sighed. He was such a good guy, but it still didn't feel right at all.

Skylar shuffled over to the couch and sat down, intending to resume her search for nearby apartments. But as she sat there, looking back out the window, finding that the two kids had apparently chased each other elsewhere and left the courtyard empty, Skylar didn't much feel like apartment hunting.

In truth, she didn't feel like admitting things were coming to an end at all. She kept running through their interaction again and again. What had Robbie done wrong? Why couldn't she appreciate all the things that were good about him and them together? Why couldn't she just say what was on her mind to him before?

All these questions ran through her mind as she sat there. Eventually the constant turning of the wheel in her head did make Skylar tired, and she decided to lay down and take a nap after all. Her final thought, as she drifted off, was how she should just be grateful since Robbie was probably the kindest man she had ever been with, especially considering his otherwise rowdy choice of friends and hobbies.

Hours passed in fitful slumber, occasionally interrupted by sounds around the complex. The kids came back, laughing at one point. The neighbor's keys rattling in the hall. The people upstairs, apparently, dropping a bowling ball or two as they often did throughout the day. But with each wakeful incident, Skylar felt herself immediately falling back into her previously troubled thoughts, prompting her to simply adjust her position, saving her neck from too much stiffness, and falling back asleep.

At some point, as the sun went down, the rattling of keys stirred Skylar awake as Robbie returned from his afternoon adventure of tearing up the pavement out and about with his friends. Robbie was never particularly loud when he came home, but even so, he took care to quietly place his keys on the table and shut the door softly after seeing Skylar curled up on the couch. Taking his shoes off, he tiptoed over in his socks and quietly placed a kiss on Skylar's cheek, thinking she was still fast asleep.

But as he quietly moved towards the bedroom, probably to drop himself into bed to surf the web on his phone as he often did before either eating or sleeping, depending on his mood, Skylar opened her eyes, staring into the darkened room, lit only by the soft lamplights glowing through the un-curtained blinds. The place where Robbie had kissed her burned with her guilt.

Quietly, she stood up from the couch, decision made. Shuffling into the bedroom, she indeed found Robbie awake and scrolling through some social or another on his phone. He had ditched the jeans and button-down, leaving himself looking like a sitcom husband in his undershirt, long black socks, and striped boxers.

Noticing the movement in the door, Robbie lowered his phone and smiled at Skylar. "Hey babe, I thought you were sleeping. Didn't want to wake you."

But Skylar didn't respond, instead simply walking towards the bed.

"You feeling any better at all?" Robbie asked, looking slightly confused by her silence.

Still, Skylar said nothing as she climbed onto the bed.

Robbie tried to ask some other question, but he was cut off when Skylar crawled over to him on the bed, planting a deep kiss on his lips. Robbie froze for half a second in surprise, but quickly caught on, blindly setting his phone on the nightstand next to him and returning his hands to Skylar. One of his hands found Skylar's cheek while the other moved to her side. He gently pulled her into the kiss as she crawled herself over top of him, throwing a leg over his hips, straddling him on hands and knees.

After another moment of letting the kiss explore teeth and tongue, Skylar knelt up. Normally the two were quite fond of foreplay, but tonight Skylar felt a more urgent need in herself. In the darkness, her tanned skin glowing pale in the blue hue of the street lights shining through the slats of the bedroom window blinds, Skylar pulled off her shirt, revealing her small breasts, nipples already erect with anticipation. Robbie wasted no time admiring the view, sensing Skylar's hunger, and leaned forward, taking one of her nipples in his mouth while his arms wrapped around her waist, pulling her in tight.

Skylar gasped at the feel of his lips on her breast, placing her hands on the back of his head and holding him in tight. As he suckled and licked, she gripped his dark hair. It was soft in her fingers, and she almost regretted letting go to move her hands downward, grabbing the white cotton to pull it over his head. Robbie offered no resistance, letting her strip him down so that their skin connected in the dark bedroom.

Robbie tried to return to his worship of Skylar's chest, but she stopped him with her hands on his shoulders, giving him a gentle push. He followed the wordless instructions, laying back down on the bed while Skylar stood up on it. Still straddling Robbie, she pulled off her shorts, taking the cotton panties she had on with them, leaving herself a bare silhouette in the room. The allure of the strangely glowing figure above him sent shivers through Robbie as he watched her. He felt his boxers tenting as the fabric tried desperately to restrain his excitement.

But Skylar wasn't in the mood to make him suffer patience. Turning around, she stepped lightly off the bed onto the ground, where she spun back to grab the waistband of Robbie's underwear. With a slow but purposeful tug, she slid the fabric down his legs. His erection caught on the waistband of the boxers, pulling it down and causing it to spring back, tapping lightly on his own belly. In a different mood they may have found it comical. But tonight, there wasn't humor. There was only Skylar's drive and Robbie along for the ride.

Returning onto the bed, Skylar crawled her way back up over top of Robbie. Back at eye level, Skylar planted another kiss as she reached down between her legs. With two fingers she took some of her own wetness, bringing it down to Robbie and prepping him without pause. She felt him tense and heard his intake of breath. They had been together countless times, but still he acted like each time was the first and most exciting time. Skylar had had few partners in bed who had been so consistently flattering to her in bed.

Properly lubed, Skylar gripped Robbie purposefully, lowing her hips and guiding him into her. This time, the shiver and the gasp were shared as they both paused to enjoy the connection between them. In this place, this moment of tying themselves together, any doubts Skylar may have had were far from her mind. Their physical connection had always been strong and tonight it felt perhaps stronger than ever.

The adjustment to this new bliss of being filled passed, replaced with that desperate itch deep inside Skylar. She started to move, gasping and moaning, the first time she had used her voice since Robbie had returned home. It was a soft, airy moan, one that Robbie knew and loved. It was always paired with an arching of her back, which instantly became the best thing he had ever seen every time she did it.