Taboo

They say certain things in life are 'taboo', meaning something we are about to do is considered 'forbidden' or not ethical. It's those things that we seem to want all the more, knowing that we shouldn't. This occurred to me when I became reacquainted with my cousin's daughter, Jaime, as I hadn't seen her since she was a small child. She was all of 39 and I was in my 60's. Quite an age difference, yet we seemed to hit it off and enjoy each other's company right from the start.

Looking back at it now, I think she was the person I always wanted to be. Not afraid of telling the world she was gay by hanging the rainbow flag outside her bedroom window, or hanging out at gay bars in the city hoping to take someone home for the evening.

She told me how she spent lots of time with lots of women, yet never committing to any one of them. I think I secretly envied her. I know if I had it all to do over again, I would have done a lot of those risqué things that Jaime told me about.

We shared our experiences that first night across the dinner table at her mother's 70^th birthday. I don't know why I decided to share with her the fact that I was reeling from a broken heart by a woman who befriended me a few years prior. Maybe it was because I knew she would understand how I felt as she too loved other women.

I had not mentioned my same sex encounter to anyone in the family prior to that night, sharing it only with Jaime. She was easy to talk to and I guess I knew she would understand what it was like to have your heart broken by another woman. She mentioned to me that she had just broken up with someone and was also trying to get over the recent pain it had caused. Even though we were conversing with one another, my cousin, her mother, was not within earshot of us and I know she didn't hear my confessions.

After a 10-year marriage and giving birth to two children, I realized there had to be more to life. It was when I met someone whom I thought was everything I ever wanted. A best friend, a confidant and a sexual partner all wrapped up in one neat little package. To think that meeting the man of my dreams, marrying, having children and going through life one day was what I thought was how things were suppose to be. It seemed to be what made me happy at the time, but it was all that I knew. I was a good catholic daughter; marrying in church to a handsome clean cut guy and planning a family was what was expected of me.

Being with my female best friend and sharing our love with one another both emotionally and physically was so much more than I had ever dreamed of. But, that was a thing of my past. She moved on and abandoned me without so much as an explanation why. I came to my own conclusions and realized that she was never comfortable with the same sex thing. Her children questioned her relationship with me, and she emphatically denied it. I was never questioned, as my children knew what she meant to me and accepted things the way they were.

Jaime asked me if I was interested in hanging out with her and her friends, which I told her absolutely! It was later on that same week she called me and invited me to a 'meet-up' in New York.

I didn't know what to expect, and was suddenly concerned about what she was going to tell my cousin, her mom, about us getting together.

"My mom doesn't agree with my lifestyle. I'm not going to say anything to her about going out with you. The less she knows, the better, " was what she said when I asked. I knew it wasn't right to keep it from her, but went along with what Jaime thought was best.

I picked her up at her condo and drove us to the city. A meet-up, I soon learned was a gathering of only lesbian women at a bar or similar venue. There was a live female band and couches and tables strategically placed around the dance floor. It was a way to meet others who were also looking for a 'good time', or a relationship.

Going over to the bar, I bought us both a drink and we sat at one of the tables. A few of her friends came over and she introduced me, but didn't say we were related in any way. I spent most of the time observing the other couples who were hanging onto eachother, kissing and groping and slow dancing a short distance from us.

I thought to myself how wonderful that must be to not have any inhibitions about being gay and showing everyone exactly how you felt about someone else. The way it is with male/female partners. I imagined how it would have been to be out there on the dance floor holding Diane against my chest as we swayed to the music. Feeling her hand in mine and maybe stealing a kiss down deep on her neck.

I scanned the room looking to see if there was anyone close to my age that I could possibly approach. It was hard to tell, as most of them were younger than Jaime but not quite as old as I was. I felt out of place, not seeming to 'fit in'. There were a couple of nice looking mature women that caught my eye but it seemed like they were there with someone. Not too many single unattached females were among the 100 or so that were in attendance.

After a couple hours, we decided to leave and head back to New Jersey. Jaime told me all about her ex who was a cop in New York and how she tried everything she could think of to get back together with her. It seemed like a one sided affair and Jaime was still holding a torch for her ex as I was. Neither of us had relationships with anyone since our breakups. It seemed we had a lot in common in that regard.

When we arrived at her condo, Jaime invited me up for a nightcap. I wasn't sure if it was a good idea, but I accepted her invitation. I liked Jaime, but didn't have a sexual attraction to her in spite of her girlish look, blonde curly hair and hefty boobs. Qualities I always admire on a female. Don't get me wrong, as I would have definitely made a move on her if she weren't my cousin's daughter.

I noticed Jaime seemed to smile around me all the time and I sensed a bit of adoration coming from her. I didn't think anything of it but I did realize that she was starting to develop a 'thing' for me.

Getting comfortable on her couch she grabbed a bottle of wine and some chips from the kitchen, and sat across from me in the living room. We sipped our wine and did a lot of reminiscing about the good and bad of our relationships. Jaime told me that her ex was older, and that it seemed she was always attracted to older women. I heard what she said and kind of thought she was saying that to me in a subtle way to let me know she was attracted to me. I didn't say anything to lead her on. As we finished the bottle of wine I told her I needed to get home, as it was a work night. She agreed and as she was a teacher, needed to get to bed as she got up at 5 AM on school days.

She walked me to the door and we said our good byes. As I would with any other family member, I leaned over and kissed her on the cheek telling her I had a good time and would catch up with her soon. She kissed me back but hesitated a bit too long for me not to notice. I asked her again if she was going to tell her mom anything about us getting together, and she said no, that she wouldn't mention that she met up with me at all. I didn't think it was right to keep it from my cousin, but went along with what Jaime thought was best.

"Hey, do you want to meet up this Friday night? There's a big dance at the Arts Center", Jaime said with excitement in her voice when she called the other day.

"Sure, I guess so. Do you want me to get the tickets?" I asked her

"No, I'll get them. You can drive if you don't mind".

"No problem. What time should I pick you up?"

"Probably 7ish as it's a good half hour drive from here".

When I arrived at Jaime's condo she buzzed me in as she said she wasn't quite ready yet. She unlocked the door and walked into her bedroom wearing only her bra and panties. I pretended not to look but actually checked her out as she pranced down the hallway. I was wondering to myself if that was deliberate to show off her young, tight body to me. I didn't say anything about it as she quickly threw her clothes on and grabbed her purse as we left.

The dance venue was outside at a large park center on the highway. It wasn't my choice of music but I found it very interesting seeing all the gay people with their partners. We had a couple drinks when Jaime grabbed my hand and coaxed me to dance with her. I absolutely told her I didn't think I knew any of the new dances and would probably embarrass her, but she insisted. So, off we went onto the dance floor stopping only to put down our drinks at an empty table.

She was so full of life and was totally into the music and the alcohol. I watched as she strut her stuff and smiled every once and awhile in my direction. I did smile back as I was happy she was enjoying herself.

I stopped drinking after a couple drinks as I was driving but Jaime was hell bent on getting a good buzz from the amount of alcohol she was having. I tried to tell her she was drinking too much but she just looked at me and said, "Don't be a mom tonight. I'm having a good time. Aren't you?"

"Yes, of course but I just don't want to see you get sick or wake up with a splitting headache""

"Thanks for your concern, but I don't really care about the hangover, I will sleep through it tomorrow".

I didn't want to preach and sound like an old party-pooper so I let her have her way. After a few more drinks and dances, I decided to call it a night and insist that we leave as she was getting tipsy and started stumbling.

"Ok, OK "MOM", she said sarcastically.

"Well, if anything happens to you, your real mom will never forgive me!" I told her.

I had to practically carry her to the car as we left the dance and made our way through the crowd. Jaime had to lean on me the entire walk to the parking lot and I buckled her in with the seatbelt as she closed her eyes and started drifting off to sleep.

I know she was hurting from the relationship she was recently in and was feeling pretty crappy. I've been there. I know what it is like to have your heart broken and never recover from it. That's pretty much my current situation. So, I helped her into the house and walked her to her bedroom as she flopped on her bed, exhausted.

'Can you manage to get your PJs on and get to bed by yourself?' I asked her innocently.

'I don't wear PJs', she slurred.

'Ok, then. Let me help you our of your clothes.'

I undid the snap of her jeans and pulled them down and off her legs. She helped a little by raising her hips so they came down easier. When I went to help her with her T-shirt she grabbed my hand and placed it on her boob.

'Stay with me', she whimpered.

'I don't think that's a good idea, Jaime'.

'Why? I really like you and want you to stay with me tonight', she said.

I don't know if it was the alcohol talking or not, but I knew she genuinely wanted my company.

Going against all my principles I shook my head and said,

'OK, I'll stay, but I have to leave early in the morning. I can sleep on the couch'.

'No, please, sleep with me in my bed, please oh please,' she begged.

'Well, I don't have pajamas either', I told her.

'I won't tell if you don't'.

'You better make sure your mom doesn't find out that I spent the night here. She would not approve.'

'I don't care. I stopped listening to my mother years ago. I'm an adult and so are you. We can do whatever we want and shouldn't have to worry about my mother'.

'I know Jaime, but she would assume we are sleeping together and I wouldn't want her to think that'.

'Well, maybe she wont have to assume if we DO sleep together. Don't you find me attractive?' she said as she batted her big blue eyes and grabbed my arm brushing against my right boob.

'Of course, I think you are beautiful. It's just that you are so much younger than I am and I don't think the family would approve.'

'It doesn't matter what the family thinks. You're here and in my bed and I'm totally naked. Don't you want to fool around? I think you are so hot. Don't you think I'm hot?'

"Calm down. Yes, I think you're hot. I don't know why you would want to sleep with me.'

"I think you are smart, funny and beautiful and I like being around you'.

'Yes, I get it. But you can have any one your own age. Someone who has a much better body than I do. I've been around the block a few times and have a lot of miles on this old chasis. I'm almost embarrassed for you to see me naked. You might just change your mind.' I tried to tell her.

'Would you just stop with that! I don't care how old you are. I think you have a great body and can't wait to see all the good parts', she said jokingly. I could tell she was beginning to sober up with the anticipation of us exploring each other for the first time.

I slipped into the bathroom and asked her for a T-shirt.

'Third drawer in the large dresser', she said as she slipped out of her underwear and retreated under the covers.

I did see her get totally naked when I entered the bedroom to get the T-shirt and I know I blushed catching a glimpse of her beautiful body. She was tanned and muscular with a very cute ass. I was definitely getting aroused as I pictured touching her private parts and playing with her boobs.

I came out of the bathroom in just the T shirt and panties and got into her bed on the vacant side. She immediately snuggled up next to me wrapping her arms around my waist, her breast against my bare arm.

My brain was on overload. I knew it wasn't right to 'take advantage' so to speak of Jaime at her most vulnerable time. I too, was lonely and desperately needed the touch of another woman. I was struggling with the thoughts of what my cousin would say and I think she would definitely feel like I took advantage of her daughter. I was suppose to be older and more mature and certainly have more self control when it came to seducing her. Funny thing is, Jaime was the one doing all the seducing. I was trying desperately to behave myself.

With that she reached under my T-shirt, or should I say her T-shirt and started fondling my breast. I moaned at the mere grazing of her fingertips against my nipple, as it immediately became hard.

Leaning over me she pulled my shirt up and started kissing and licking my nipples alternating from one breast to the other. She kept looking up at me with those big blue eyes as if she was looking for a sign of approval, which I just ignored. I closed my eyes and let my inhibitions of sleeping with my cousin's daughter go, for the time being as it just felt so good to feel the touch of another female.

I let her explore my body as I raised the T-shirt over my head, exposing both my breasts for her to have her way with.

I have to admit, for a younger less experienced lover, she knew exactly how to please me. Most of the time I just closed my eyes and enjoyed the intimacy with Jaime. At first I tried to tell myself not to think of Jaime, but to think about Diane, and pretend it was my former lover who was satisfying me and not Jaime. Knowing that was so wrong I tried to rid my thoughts of Diane and concentrate on the cute blonde, blue eyed girl who was certainly giving me just what I needed after being celibate for so long.

After bringing me to climax, Jaime flopped on her back and told me she was on such a high making love to me. She admitted that she secretly wished for a long time that we would wind up in bed together. Somehow I wasn't surprised by what she had confessed.

I looked over at her and she looked so adorable and innocent. I threw caution to the wind and kissed her wildly from her head to her toes. She moaned loudly as I brought her to the biggest orgasm I have ever witnessed. I think it was more of the mere thought that it was me pleasuring her that put her over the edge and not my expertise. She was truly a beautiful girl. Her personality was larger than life and she was always smiling.

Either way, we slept together and there was no denying it now. Reality started to set in as we agreed to try to get some sleep. My mind was racing with the thoughts of my cousin bursting into the bedroom and telling me how horrified she was that I was sleeping with her daughter. It was a real nightmare I couldn't shake it as I tried to get some sleep. Looking over at Jaime, she was smiling as she slept looking like the cat that swallowed the canary. All I could think of was what am I getting myself into? This can't end well. If I decide not to continue a sexual relationship with Jaime, she will be devastated. And if I do, I stand to hurt her mother who will most definitely think what I have done was unforgivable.

As the sun rose the next morning I looked over at Jaime and she was still asleep. I knew after all the alcohol and the sexual antics from last night she was out like a light.

I got up quietly and went into the bathroom to put my clothes on. I knew I had to get out of there as early as I could incase my cousin decided to stop by. Even though logically, her arriving there at 7 AM on a Saturday was far fetched, it was a real fear I was having. Leaving a post it note for Jaime it read:

"Thanks for the great time Jaime. It was wonderful. Talk to you soon..."

I put it on the bathroom mirror so that she wouldn't miss seeing it and left to get some much needed coffee at the local Starbucks down the street.

Sipping my coffee on the short ride home I couldn't help but think about the night I had just spent with Jaime. Realizing what she said about the two of us being consenting adults and us having the right to do whatever we wanted made sense. It was the emotional piece I was having a hard time with. How could I tell my cousin that I was 'with' her daughter? Jaime told me her mom didn't approve of her lifestyle, but surely she would only want for her daughter's happiness, no?

Then I thought about Jaime. Was it fair to get involved with her knowing that I didn't 'love' her like she loved me? Yes, I know there is always one of the people in a relationship who loves more. It was always Me who worshiped and adored the person I was with, not the other way around. It was certainly different as I saw the admiration in her eyes whenever we were in each other's company. Something I wasn't use to.

Trying to push all the negativity of the situation out of my mind, I arrived home and jumped in the shower subconsciously trying to wash away the guilt from last night, when the phone rang.

'You left too early...." It was Jaime on the other end.

"Yes, I wanted to get home.'

"I thought we could spend the day together...there's a farmer's market I wanted to check out and thought you and I could go together'.

' I don't know, Jaime. It's early, maybe later. Call me.'

I didn't want to hurt her feelings or make it seem like I was putting her off, but I was. I wasn't sure how to react to her in the light of day after our escapades the night before.

She sounded very disappointed as we hung up, so I called her back.

"I would love to go with you Jaime. We can get breakfast first. I'll pick you up in about 20 minutes. Is that ok?"

"That would be great, I'm starving! I'll be ready'.

I could hear the enthusiasm in her voice. It didn't take much to make her happy and I was glad I rethought my decision not to see her.

So we had a good time that day enjoying each other's company. Jaime was a bit touchy-feely, but I didn't mind. It was like she considered it to be ok to grab my hand or spontaneously hug me since we had now slept together. I get it. She feels close to me, which is ok, but I am still very unsettled about the whole thing.

"Hey, you know what would be great?', she asked as we strolled down one of the cobblestone streets in Hoboken.

"What?", I asked.

"Let's go up to my mom's lake house this weekend. Just the two of us. It will be great. We can light a fire and take a walk around the lake and toast marshmallows and spend the rest of the time in bed!'.