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"Ann, let me shower and we can have breakfast together. Then I think it would be a good time for us to talk. Are you okay with that? You are usually out of here by this time of morning so if you need to meet someone I don't want to spoil your plans."

I knew my comment was meant to rub her nose in her recent infidelity and there was no useful purpose served in my saying it but it just slipped out. I might appear calm on the outside but I was raging on the inside. She cringed when I said it, and her lips pressed together. Speaking so softly, it was hard for me to hear, she replied,

"No, no place but here, I am done with cheating and it may be too late, but I am now focused on what is important and I am where I should have been all along...here with you that is...until you make me go away."

Later, sitting in the kitchen, I saw the cool, bright autumn morning through the window. Looking outside, I could see how every living thing was rushing towards Autumn. There wasn't a significant change in the weather, the plants all looked the same, but life was moving, always forward, full of cycles, birth, growth, death and then starting over again. It was all out there, and looking at it made me wonder about the cycles of my life.

Then it came rushing at me...I was insignificant. It was like looking up at the starry night with the universe spread across the heavens. Our cycles started and ended, and the universe never noticed. Even as I thought about my life being insignificant with respect to the rest of the universe, deep down, past all the pain, I didn't believe my existence was meaningless or the things I did were without purpose.

At the stove, Ann had made a simple omelet placing it on the table before me. She was sitting across from me, and this could have been any day or any breakfast we had had in the last twenty-five years.

At that moment it felt right, the kitchen was suffused with the warmth and smells of happier times, a sweet sense as comfortable as an old pair of slippers.

Ann looked up at me from her plate and tried to smile reassuringly, but I could see her discomfort and fear. We were sitting doing what we always did, while pain and torment ate at us from the inside. She had hurt herself as well as me, and although she was responsible for bringing this mess into our lives, it would be Ann and I working together, as we always had, to resolve our issues. I stared at her, and she continued the dialog we had started in the bedroom.

"Brian, I know this sounds wrong, especially after what I have done, but let me say it again. I am sorry. I love you and I want to do anything I can to stay your wife and try to rebuild what I so selfishly destroyed. Can I ask...is there any hope? You moved very fast on the divorce I just pray there is some way we can slow this down and try make it work. Is that even a possibility, Brian?"

I looked at the person who for twenty-five years was the love of my life. We were once so in love, it felt as if we were the same person, breathing the same air, tossing life's energy back and forth until our personalities blended into a single entity. Ann just sat there and waited for an answer from me, finally I responded.

"I don't know what we can do to save this Ann you crushed my soul, destroyed my trust, and broke our wedding vows. I don't need to expound on how I feel. Imagine, Ann, if it was you who just found out I was in a long-term affair, or was out having sex with different women. If you can do that then you might have an inkling as to how I feel."

Ann looked even sadder as she responded, "Brian, I would be devastated and angry if you did what I have done. I don't know how you can be so calm and sit here with me. I would want to club you senseless."

I continued to stare at her and she went on.

"Brian, please, this is so awful I just can't tell you how sorry I am. When I say this, I feel like I am apologizing for another person as I have no explanation for my actions. I can promise you this, I will never betray you again. I don't want to end our marriage, and I will do anything to make you believe me and give me another chance. Anything! So please, let me ask again, is there a chance for us?"

"Ann, I hate you and I love you. The hate part is new; the love part is twenty-five years old. I have given a lot of thought to this and at first I just wanted to kick you to the curb, be done with you and our plans for the future. Since I have had time to deal with my anger, I thought about what I want and my future." I paused, looking at her and then continued.

"For me the biggest issue is whether I will ever be able to trust you again. I would worry every time you are out of my sight and that you might be cheating. If you got away with it once, will you feel comfortable doing it again? I don't know how to get past the trust issue. I did nothing to deserve this, and I don't understand why any of it happened."

I stopped and wiped a tear from my eye, then continued,

"My heart and mind were at peace with the world when I trusted you but now without the trust, there is only insecurity and suspicion. What can you suggest to bring back the trust, help me out here? You say this will never happen again but how can you convince me it won't?"

"Brian, let me think about it. Can you give me a couple hours? Please let me try?"

"Okay Ann, let's meet at one o'clock for lunch you can present your solution to me then."

While Ann worked on her solution, I busied myself raking leaves and cleaning the garage. As I performed these tasks, my mind was preoccupied with the problem at hand. Should I listen to Ann, and perhaps try to get over her infidelity, or should I just proceed with the divorce? What does one owe a partner of twenty-five years, and does it include accepting the pain of her betrayal and lies?

One o'clock found Ann and I back at the kitchen table.

"Brian, I have given this my best shot, and I hope it's enough for you to trust me again. The problem is I broke my pledge to forsake all others and even though my infidelity was sexual and not emotional I broke my vow. How will you know I won't do it again? Therefore, my solution is we prepare a postnuptial agreement stating if I break my vows again I will leave our marriage with nothing. The agreement will provide you with the assurance that the cost to me would be catastrophic. I would be penniless and destitute if I stray. We can even include a debt to you of one-half million dollars if I break our agreement by cheating. Brian this is the only thing I can think of, please give me another chance; give us another chance!"

I never stopped looking at her but stood to ease the tension in my body. I took my eyes off her and gazed out into the yard. I didn't expect this, but at this moment I hated her and I loved her; I was angry. A part of me was remembering all the good and love we held for each other and was hoping there was some way we could put it all back together. The question was how much pride I would swallow to make it happen. My thoughts were all over the place. My injured ego was screaming for me to get up leave the table and never speak to her again. Love and longing was winning because I was weak.

My internal debate was interrupted when Ann asked, "Brian, will it work for you?" Instantly I made a decision. Still looking out the window I said, "It might work, let's talk about it." I still loved her, and I did not want to end our marriage, but could I trust her? She broke her marriage vows and was now making a new promise. Would she break this one too? If she does cheat again she will be left with nothing. Looking back at her, I said,

"Ann, I don't know what to say, your proposal might be enough for us to stay together. There may be hope here..."

Upon hearing me suggest there might be a chance Ann leaped from her seat and threw herself into my arms. Untangling myself, I sat her down and finished our discussion. Planning made me feel better because I was doing something I was good at, planning and problem solving. My internal compromise was between love and hate. Love was desperate for any chance to reclaim what we had and anger did not believe I could trust her, but if she cheated again I would be able to hurt her. Hope wanted to make it work, hate was waiting to punish her.

After several hours of discussion and negotiation, Ann and I crafted an agreement to try to repair the damage done to our relationship. It was her being honest and taking responsibility for her actions that made it possible to move forward. Never, since I had discovered the evidence of her betrayal, did I believe there was a chance for us to move forward. Now, I saw a glimmer of hope.

I did, however, insisted on a set of conditions that were difficult for Ann to accept. Nevertheless, she agreed to do the two things I felt necessary to move forward. The first condition was that we would live apart for three months with limited communication. Ann called it her exile. At the end of this period, we would evaluate our commitment to get back together.The second condition was easier for Ann, in that I could monitor her behavior during the exile.

With these two conditions added, we finalized the post-nuptial agreement. Ann agreeing to all the terms and conditions and the specified consequences if she were ever again found unfaithful. We signed the agreement having it notarized and left it with the family attorney.

Within the week, we moved Ann to a small apartment close to the park. During the next three months, Ann would call me once a week on Saturday mornings and discuss anything of mutual interest. Ann had a landline installed as well as a data line for her computer. The three-month period of separation was to give both of us a chance to reflect upon our expectations and decision to remain together. We agreed to meet occasionally in addition to the mandatory weekly phone calls.

For my part, I was hoping the time away from Ann would help dampen my feelings of despair, hurt, and disappointment. I was hoping Ann would use the time to reflect why she allowed herself to break her wedding vows as well as find the value and love in our relationship. I also needed to assure myself Ann had, in fact, ended her affair and severed her relationships with other men.

Thinking back on the adage, trust but verify, I installed cameras in Ann's apartment and used her computer to record and transmit the recordings to my computer as well as tracking devices in her car and cell phone. I was paying for her cell phone, the car, as well as, the apartment. The lease for the apartment was in my name, so I was comfortable with spying from a legal standpoint.

If Ann could wean herself from the high she got from cheating, then I felt I could start to trust her again. A key part of our agreement was my insisting on the monitoring of her actions during the separation. This was one sentence in the agreement, and Ann did not seem to care about this clause, glancing over it before signing. I don't think either of us realized at the time what a key role it was to play in my future decision regarding our marriage.

The first week was difficult. Without Ann in my life there was a quiet loneliness. I tried to establish new routines for exercise, meals, house cleaning, and bedtime. My loneliness and heartache made me want to watch the spy cams throughout the day, but I resisted and instead settled for a once daily check just before bedtime. I was soon wondering if I was making the right decision about her exile. Twenty-five years was a long time to live with another person.

We spoke on Saturday mornings and I laughed the first time when she answered the phone and I heard church bells in the background. Her apartment was directly across the street from the old mission and the bells rang for Saturday mass at 7 AM. Ann didn't notice the bells and when she asked why I was laughing, I just told her I was just glad to hear her voice. Later, I would wonder if those bells might be a personal reminder from God. At the end of our talk, we agreed to meet on Wednesday for lunch.

The first lunch was a bit awkward as we each struggled with the strangeness of living without our partner of over twenty years. I was handling Ann's absence by setting up routines for working around the home, exercising, anything to stay busy. Ann said she was handling her loneliness by crying a lot.

One day followed the next and the days blended into weeks and the weeks into months. During the first month of our separation, I purchased a large sailboat. Ann and I had a dream that once we were both retired, we would sail down the west coast, through the Panama Canal and up the east coast. We had talked about this often during our marriage. We had even taken sailing classes and had a number of small boats over the years. I was strarting to believe that Ann and I would be able to mend our marriage and I utilized this exile to prepare the boat for our dream trip. This was to be a surprise for Ann when her exile ended.

When I purchased the boat, the manufacturer offered to provide a representative to help shake out any problems with the boat as well as prepare it for the trip. I was taken by surprise when I found out the manufacturer's representative was Pam McCarthy. Ann and I had taken sailing and navigation classes with Pam and her husband over the years and we enjoyed their company, becoming good friends

Pam and her husband divorced about ten years earlier and Pam had moved out of town for a new start. She was an attractive 5' 6" curvy blond about our age, who was always happy and fun. For two months we worked hard at preparing the boat for the trip. I enjoyed her company and we spent many lunches talking about the trip and my difficulties with Ann's cheating.

During every conversation Pam encouraged me to reconcile with Ann and get by my hurt and disappointment. The time I spent with Pam helped me move past my anger and it felt good to have someone to talk to. The more time I spent with Pam the sooner I wanted the exile to end. I missed Ann.

After two months, Ann and I had had a solid routine so it surprised me when she begged off from our Wednesday meeting for the second week in a row. After pointing out we needed to meet, she reluctantly agreed...so here we were sitting across from each other where I found her to be uncomfortable and a bit nervous. I had stopped monitoring her activities three weeks into the exile and now looking at her I began to worry.

"Ann, is everything okay? You appear upset. Are you feeling well?"

Looking at me, I saw a brief flash of annoyance and then it was gone. Giving me a forced smile, she said,

"I am okay. I think I am a bit on edge. How have you been?"

I stopped listening to her for a second as I had a flash back to earlier times before I discovered her infidelity. I had an uneasy feeling I was missing something then and now. With my daily routines and talks with Pam helping me get past my anger, I became hopeful Ann and I were going to be okay. However, as I sat here with her I realized she was doing it again, acting strange.

Toward the end of the discussion, I said.

"Ann, I love you and miss you. I will be glad when you are back home and in my bed."

She took me by surprise by bursting into tears and ending our meeting. She suddenly stood and said she had to leave. As I watched her walked away, a cold shiver passed through me. Something was not right. Driving home it hit me; I knew why I was uneasy. I had seen this behavior before. It was how she acted when she began pulling away, the nervousness, the distracttion, and her looking guilty about something. Either this was her being unhappy about our separation and not coping well or our problems were much more significant.

When I returned home, I turned on the computer and accessed the surveillance cameras to Ann's apartment. There I saw Ann sitting on the bed with her face in her hands quietly sobbing. Watching her cry sent a chill through my body. Grabbing my phone, I called her and watched her start to answer the phone, check who was calling, and then let my call go to the voice mail. This was a bad sign. That night I tossed and turned in my now restless version of a good night's sleep. By five-thirty, I could not take it anymore and I got up and dressed for my morning run. All through the six miles, I worried about what was going on with Ann, but decided I needed to just wait and let her work it out. At home after a quick shower, I went to the marina and began working on the sailboat.

As a celebration of the end Ann's exile and the renewal of our twenty-five-year marriage, I had decided to surprise Ann with the sailboat and her dream trip. Throughout our years together she often talked about how much fun it would be to sail through the Panama Canal. I had made all of the arrangements for a three-month voyage from the West Coast to Florida. I was so involved in preparing the boat, I gave little thought to Ann's behavior the past Wednesday until our weekly early Saturday morning phone call. I called her landline and got her voicemail. This was unusual, she normally picks up right away. I then called her cell phone and after a couple of rings, she answered.

"Brian, good morning. How are you?"

"Okay, Ann. I just called the landline and it rolled over to voicemail. Are you home at your apartment?"

"Yes. I was in the shower and heard the phone ring but couldn't get to it in time. Right now I am stark naked in the bathroom, dripping all over the floor, I let the time get away from me."

Okay, this is bizarre. In the twenty-five years we had been married, I could not think of a time she had gotten up early to shower. She always preferred to shower in the evening, so there was something wrong here, and I began to worry. With three weeks before the end of the exile, I believed everything seemed to be working out and we would be giving this marriage another chance. In fact, our twenty-fifth wedding anniversary would coincide with our reconciliation.

I loved Ann and I was furious about her betrayal but I had gotten past most of my anger and believed she was truly sorry. However, trust was another issue. It would take time and patience on my part and a little extra effort on her part to reassure me of her faithfulness before we where back to where we had once been.

Then it hit me and I knew what was missing...the bells. I did not hear the Mission bells. I was calling at 7 AM and there were no bells. During each Saturday morning call, I heard the bells, but not this time. This could mean only one thing, she was not home, and her telling me she was in the bathroom was a lie. I had been standing at my desk and now I collapsed into my chair. Reaching for the computer mouse, I clicked open the surveillance program and opened the window showing the bedroom and open bathroom door.

I had stopped speaking to Ann, she asked, "Brian are you still there?"

"I am sorry Ann. I was a little dizzy and had to sit down."

"Are you okay, Brian? Have you been ill?"

Without answering questions about my health, I asked,

"You said you were in the shower but you never shower in the morning, is this a special occasion?"

For the briefest of moments there was silence, then she seemed to recover. "I was exercising this morning and got a little sticky, so I decided to rinse off."

"Ann, you know I love you, and it has been very difficult for me to get past what you have done. These three months and our Saturday morning talks on the phone, as well as, our Wednesday meetings have to a large measure allowed me to hope we could get back together. As you know, the exile will soon end and I am looking forward to our getting back together. I have missed kissing you everyday, missed holding you in my arms and I have missed you in my bed. During the time we have been apart I have found the power to forgive you and I believe we can rebuild the trust we had. I am hoping you also feel the same way."