Take Me to the River

A flash story of just walking away. No BTB. No reconciliation. No happy ending.

***

Carol had been pushing me to marry her. We'd been together for five years and I had been dragging my feet. I loved her to death. She was everything a man could want in a wife.

The problem was mine. I was afraid of getting married. We were both 27 at the time but I had seen so many of our acquaintances and their marriages blow up in the last 6 years I was shell shocked. Couples we knew who married with the best intentions were divorced now. Some of those guys I had long talks with about what went wrong. It wasn't really cheating or sex stuff. Well, some of it was, but most of it was after living together for a couple of years these people who married in their late teens and early twenties matured a bit and didn't like their partner anymore.

I suppose since everyone is so use to living in a disposable society, the idea of repairing their broken marriages seemed like too much work. It was easier to forget why you married that person in the first place and divorce, than to repair it.

That's what I saw and that's why I was gun shy about asking Carol to marry me. Those guys I met suffered some really tough times. Heartache and financials. Really nasty stuff. I finally figured it out my problem. I was afraid of getting divorced before I even got married.

And honestly, Carol's request to get married was not unreasonable. We had been together long enough and she had all the decent qualities of a good wife. She was kind to others and I never really heard her speak bad about anyone. She was sweet and thoughtful. Most of all she was easy to be with. We never had any real drama in our relationship. At least until she started hinting that we should get married. Then we had some drama, but in truth this woman was correct. Either get off the pot or move along. Problem for me was, a fellow likes to think he's doing the asking.

Anytime I was thinking of approaching the subject, Carol as if reading my mind would start talking a marriage and getting engaged. For some reason that sort of threw me off. I should have just followed along and agreed. What the hell did I know about weddings anyway. But, I wanted to be the one to ask her. I wanted to surprise her. In my mind, I wanted my asking to be something special. I had some old fashioned screwy idea that I would ask her parents permission first and then ask Carol.

I thought that it would be a romantic thing to do. Her parents knew my family, they liked me, and would say yes of course, but in my mind I wanted to give them the additional memory of their future son-n-law asking them permission to marry their daughter. I figured we could take some pictures and have that as a memory we could share as a family forever.

I decided to be bold and beautiful and admit to myself Carol was right and I was wrong. It was time to get married and so I decided I would buy her an engagement ring. We were not living together but I had a key to her apartment and she had one to mine. I went to her apartment knowing she was not home. I know nothing of ring sizes, so I went to her bedroom, opened the jewelry box on her dresser cabinet, and pulled out one of her favorite rings she wore often. I would take it to the jeweler to get her ring size. I left with it in my pocket and head straight to the jewelers.

At the jewelers I told them my story and what I was doing. A sales woman the age of my mother behind the counter looked at me thoughtfully and smiled. I suppose they had heard it all. She took to the ring, sized it, and returned it to me, "What price range are you looking at?"

"No more than 6,000.00 dollars."

"Please, come over here and let's see if we have something your might be interested in."

I knew what I wanted when I saw it. It was a 'rock'. I think if set correctly, the larger feathers at the top of the 1.55 c would be covered. It looked awesome and I was sure Carol would flip out when she saw it. I wanted to pay for it then but they wouldn't take a check. Fine, I wasn't applying for some stupid long term payment plan when I had cash to buy. I had to go my bank to get a cashiers check for the full price of the ring before they'd let me have it.

I was back within an hour with a certified check from my bank and with the ring in hand decided to stop by and ask her parents permission to marry Carol. It turned out exactly as I had imagine. As I sat down the same afternoon with them both, expressed my eternal love for their daughter, and asked them for Carol's hand in marriage. Her father smiled and her mother was ecstatic. I showed them the ring I had bought and they both very happy with my asking them. We took some self-timing pictures to get us all together, but all in all it was a very joyous time. They both escorted me out to my car and wish me all the best. So far so good.

Next, I wanted to return the ring I borrowed from Carol for sizing the engagement ring. It was her favorite and I wanted to return it as soon as possible. At that moment I was felt really good about everything. I was going to meet with her later and ask her.

When I pulled into her parking lot, I saw her car there. Oh man, I hope she didn't need the ring I had. Should I go in or not. I decided to call her on her cell.

Carol answered a bit out of breath, "Hello."

I guess she didn't realize it was me. So I said, "Hey sweetheart, how are you? I missed you all day."

She pause a moment, there was some muffled noise like she was holding her hand on the phone and then returned, "ugh...is everything okay Jay. I am sort of busy now."

"Yeah, I just wondered if you wanted to get together tonight?"

"Sure, why not? I'm still a work but won't be home till 7:00. Sorry, I have some work to catch up on. I'll see you then. Love you." Then she ended the call.

So I'm sitting outside her apartment, she has her car parked in it's place, but she's says she is still at work. It took a couple of seconds to figure out she was with someone else. What to do? I let my hands drop from the steering wheel to my lap and my right hand felt that ring box in my pants pocket was pressing against my leg. I moved my hand over to cup the outline of the box through my pants pocket. I guess I waited too long to ask her to marry me. I suppose. Bummer. You snooze you loose and all that.

I decided to just get it over with. I was stunned. It was dreamlike as I parked the car and walked to the front door of Carol's apartment. I had been here a hundreds of times, but now it was like going to a strangers home. I used my key to open the door. The first thing that hit me was the strong smell of pot. Carol and I smoked occasionally, so that was no big deal. The big deal was the man's shoes by her door and a man's jacket on her living room couch. Each revelation pointed to only one conclusion. I couldn't wrap my head around what I was seeing.

From the moment I saw the man's jacket, I just stood there for who knows how long. It was over. We were over. I was too dumbfounded and confused to be angry. I was just lost. The voices down the hall brought me back to reality and requested this lie I was living to be brought to an end. So I mindlessly walked down the hall to Carol's bedroom.

The door was half closed and there on the bed was the love of my life in another man's arms. They look like they were just getting started. Well, she made her decision who she wanted to be with. That thought hurt quite a bit. I wish it had been me, but you can't make people love you like that. Either they do or they don't. Carol, I guess didn't.

I knocked on the door lightly not to frighten them. When I did they both jumped. It was sort of a strange awkward moment, but now they knew they weren't alone. And guess what? The guy was my best friend Jim. This idiot had just gotten married to his wife Susan less than 6 months ago. This was just getting too weird.

Jim jumped up out or bed with his underwear still on, " Oh, Jay...man...I am so sorry...this just happened man...we were smoking some pot and things just got out of control. Jesus, Jay...I am so damn sorry.."

Carol had pulled the sheets up to cover her nakedness from me. She was pleading now and started to speak, "Oh Jay, please this is not what it looks like...I am so sorry..I...we...Jim.."

"Yeah, sure thing. Whatever. Look, I'm sorry for disturbing you two. Uhm...I was just coming by to surprise Carol with this.."

I reached in my pocket and pulled out the black velvet box and showed them both. I opened it carefully and continued. "Yeah, I went out this morning and bought it. I figured Carol you were right about us getting married, the hinting and all. I thought tonight would be a good night to ask you to marry me. "

Reaching into my top pocket, I removed Carol's favorite ring, showed it to and placed it back in her jewelry box. "The reason I'm here was to return your ring Carol. I'm sorry, I came by earlier and I took it to get the right size so it would be a perfect fit. "

I decided to give Carol a heads up. Why? I don't know.

"Carol, I went by your folks earlier today to ask for your hand in marriage and they said it was okay. So...they will probably say something later to you about that. Obviously, I guess your answer is no, so just tell them you said no. That would be best for everyone. "

Turning to Jim, "Jimbo, man, you knew I loved Carol. Seriously, if I had my gun now I would probably have shot you multiple times. Lucky you huh? And Susan your wife? It's one thing to fuck me over, but shit Jim, what Sue do that you'd fuck her over? She certainly didn't deserve this nonsense from you and Carol."

Returning to Carol, "Jesus Carol, I thought Susan was a friend of yours. Why would you do that to her. What did she ever do to you to deserve your betrayal. Even as unhappy as I am now, I feel so sorry for Sue. Don't you know how bad this will hurt her when she finds out?"

Jim started pleading, 'Damn it Jay, come on man, you're not going to say anything to her are you? Please don't, it will kill her. All this is my fault. I came by because I had some pot for you guys and we rolled one and one thing led to another and I was the asshole here, not Carol. Don't be angry at her man, Jay. Please don't let this fucking stupid mistake that 'I' caused hurt Susan or Carol man. This is all me. I am so fucking sorry Jay..."

"What do you want me to say Jim? I sorry too..."

There was some awkward silence. I took Carol's apartment key and laid it on her dresser, "Anyway, I won't be needing your apartment key Carol."

Carol saw that started pleading, "No, no, no...please...I'm sorry Jay...I love you."

How do you end a relationship with a woman you were going to ask you to marry? This was it . The end. Neither said anything else and I couldn't stand being in their presence anymore. "Well, I guess this is it...do me a last favor. Both of you. This could have really been messy, but it wasn't. Do me this one favor. Never contact me again. Ever. Carol what stuff I have here, I don't need, so you can dump it all. Please never contact me again."

I know the situation called for more anger but I didn't feel that. I was more bummed out than angry as I walked out of her bedroom. I heard Carol screaming and shouting at Jay to get the fuck out of her apartment and to never come back as I walked down the hall from her bedroom. After closing Carol's apartment door and walking into the parking lot, I got in my car and sat a moment. Funny how life is. You think you know people and really you don't. Time invested. Time lost forever.

Now what?

Not sure what to do, I started my car and drove. I was in motion but that's about it. I was there and I wasn't there. It was like watching someone else trying to figure out what to do with themselves. And my brain for some reason felt I should take some of the blame for situation. Why? For not asking Carol to marry me sooner. Stupid brain. I just kept driving with no destination in mind until I came to a river that flowed nearby our town.

I had no clear idea what I was doing. I pulled down an old gravel road that led to a place where people could unload their boats in the river. After I parked, I walked down to the river until I came to the shore. I walked along the it a while until I found a secluded spot. The weather was warm and I decided to take a swim. I went up a small ways into the treeline and took off my all clothes. Been a forever since I had been skinny-dipping. The sun had some light left and I floating buck naked in the river seem like an appropriate course of action.

Walking into the water was nice. It felt cool and refreshing. When I was up to my neck, I leaned back to float. Looking up at the sky I saw white clouds bathed in the sun's setting rays of yellow and red. It was quite beautiful. It was at that moment I decided let everything go. I let everything go by coming to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but never be a part of your future.

I didn't cry. Not that I didn't want to. I had read somewhere that tears are the seeds of your future happiness. That crying assist in healing hurt. My problem is that I almost never cried about anything. I cried when my mother passed away, but that was the last time I remember crying. For some reason I felt I should cry now. I was hurting, so why couldn't I cry. So I laughed at myself at the thought of trying to make myself cry. What a stupid dumb ass. Maybe that's the reason Carol wanted to fuck Jim. I was a dumb ass. Maybe I should of asked her to marry me sooner. That or that must have been some good pot they smoked. Anyway that was history. They were both dead to be now.

As I lay in the water, I tried to put a good spin on my situation so I could live with what I'd seen. So, no marriage, no divorce. I dodged that bullet. I wondered how long those two had been going at it. Sure, they said, "one time". Whatever. I sure was going to miss Carol. A lot. I love her you know. But, you can't make someone love you enough not to cheat on you. That I understand. What hurts the most was believing when she told me she loved me. And with my ex-best friend Jim? Damn, that was some hardcore cruelty to flip my way. I know things like this happen all the time, but when you experience it yourself, it throws you for a loop. And son-of-a bitch Jimmy?

Jim and I had known each other for more than 20 years when we first met in elementary school. Through out all those years I had his back and he had mine many of times. Hell, I was the best man at his wedding less than 6 months ago. I was going to ask him to mine. Now? I would never have anything to do with that piece of shit passing himself off as a human being. And his new wife, Susan? I'd know her for quite a while before they were married and she was a really nice person. I felt bad for her situation and should have told told her what I seen, but I just didn't have the nerve to hurt her like that. Being the messenger of bad news and all. Maybe this would be a wake up call for Jimmy to get his act together.

By the time I swam back to shore it was twilight but with plenty enough light to find my clothes and dress. Walking back to my car, the image of Carol and Jim in bed was going to hurt my mind for a while. I was pretty much still in a daze, but felt a bit better after having been in the water.

When I was seated in my car I wanted so bad to call Carol, which was the reason I picked up my cell. Not surprisingly, a bunch of texts from Carol. Surprisingly, there was 3 from Jim. I read them all. Blah...blah...blah. I sent them both the same message. Please never contact me ever again or I would contact Susan and then I blocked their numbers. Let's all just get on with our lives.

I started up the car and headed home. I could feel the box of the $6000.00 engagement ring in my pocket of my pants leg. I drove with one hand and cupped the ring in my pocket with the other. What a fucking day. I had planned on taking Carol out tonight for a nice dinner at a upscale restaurant and ask her to marry me. I felt about as stupid as a man can feel. One thing for sure, as bad as what I saw that afternoon, I was going to miss Carol. Perhaps for the rest of my life. Either way, Carol was now a part of my history, but would never a part of my future. Too bad for me.