All Comments on 'Take Me to the River'

Would have been a five if he would have actually done the right thing and contacted Susan, but he took the coward's way out.

You dodged a cannonball there. Return the ring and move on. You should tell Susan though. Carol probably ain't Jimmy's first rodeo.

Good story . . . I wouldn't mind some continuation. Sue does need to know. I'd also like to know what's happening in that destroyed marriage story.

Tough story. Part of me would like to hear from Carol and Jimmy, but then again, why? It wouldn't really advance the story. They all seem like interesting characters though, so maybe they could appear again in further stories? Either way, very poignant and affecting. Thanks *****

Really great start, but it ended just before the good bit!

Susan needed to know what kind of a man her husband was, that he would cheat on her only 6 months after getting married and betray his best friend of 20 years.

Carol breaking down when met by her overjoyed parents as she tearfully admits that Jay has left her... and why. She wouldn't be able to tell them she said no to his proposal, not if she was that eager to get married in the first place (her mom would know how much she wanted him to propose).

Finally the aftermath, as neither Jim or Carol would be able to leave it like that. There's lots of tense confrontation scenes you could write before Jay moves on with a woman who wasn't a druggie slut.

A very good flash story, but the last sentence is wrong...It should have been: " Carol was now a part of my history, but would never a part of my future. Too bad for HER"! 4*

From start to finish. you only need to suspend beief if you don't believe in the reality of the Martian Slut or Stupid Ray-Gun.

That was fantastic....more realistic than many want to admit.. Lots of guys would simply go cold when confronted with that because they would control their lizard brain just enough not to kill them both. Thanks for writing this.

She would cheat on him even if they are already married. He's got lucky to find on time.

And now Dan finish the "How to Destroy a Perfect Marriage ".

I agree with 26thNC that this was a solid piece of work. I disagree with 26thNC about returning the ring. We make choices all through our lives, his choice was stalling on asking her to marry him, I guess it had been the right choice. If he returned the ring and took the hit ten he would never have a reminder of what could have been a big mistake. If he kept the ring he could wear it as a necklace, reminder and major point of embarrassment for Carol and Jim in the future, it would be like the 'Jelly of the Month Club' the gift that keeps on giving all year long.

Jim gets away with it this time he will do it again and again. She will have wasted too much of her life on this traitor by the time she finds out down the road.

I really like original. 5*

A really good flash story .

I'm left wishing he had done this , or said that ...... there were so many ways to add to and draw out the drama ..... but then it would not have been a flash story.

So many contradictory thoughts here

I should have asked her earlier - I sure dodged a bullet

Don’t ever contact me again - then I blocked their numbers (ok, there are other ways than by phone but...)

The right way to look at this is that he was RIGHT to have reservations and it just took a while to play out. He didn’t CAUSE her to cheat and far better to happen BEFORE they were married. And yes, Susan should know. But unless she’s as stupid as the protagonist, she’ll figure it out when their friend no longer talks to his ex or his BFF (her husband).

Susan HAS to be told.

Jim taking all the blame is bullshit! High or not, Carol should have slapped him into next week as soon as he came on to her. And if he's lying, and SHE came on to HIM, he should have beat a hasty retreat out of there.

He dodged a bullet . She would cheat again- that is - if she hadn't already.

And dano and scorpio are both right. well done story and Susan needs to know . That just happened yadda yadda bullshit don't fly. since you did This one so we consider a from her POV aftermath one? or just a second part that shows what happens collaterally to those around when the find out why the aren't together anymore

he just dodged the proverbial bullet, TK U MLJ LV NV

So sad.

Another chapter please.

That’s all there is to this story? Started out strong and remained holding my interest but ...

Sad. Very sad. Shows he was right in waiting. Luckily he caught them now before or it could have been messy. His attitude was refreshing. No anger or need for revenge. Just move on. Eventually tell the unsuspecting wife of the betrayal and move on. It could have been worse. Good tale.

...so why regret NOT asking her sooner? Waiting actually saved him from divorce. I think Susan will suspect something when she learns that Jay dropped both Jim and Carol like rocks. She'd likely seek some info from Jay and I doubt he'd lie to her if asked.

I don't think we need more chapters, they would only be full of concerns about trust issues. If, after 5 years and solidly hinting to her boyfriends about committing to marriage, she should be exclusive, with or without the ring. To smoke a drug, which is known to relax inhibitions, while alone with another man, has to ring alarm bells to a potential spouse. That is something that should not have been countenanced, and then to carry on being unfaithful even after receiving a wake up call from the man she is supposed to have been in love with, demonstrates she's nothing but a slut who would break his heart eventually.

Aaahhh HELL NO! he dodged a bullet.

A good story. It almost begs for a chapter 2 or other writers to add/finish it. 5*s

P.S. If that's your real photo on your biography, then I commend you for you for your bravery. But, be aware, that the same photo is posted in every USPO on the ten most wanted list.

That's where he's heading. I'd have told his ex-best friend's wife. She deserves to know her hubby's a scum bag cheater.

Hey! 3* is a lot for a preliminary sketch of a story!

But very true to life, as this kind of stuff does happen.

I agree with imhapless, this was original.

Fine details in a flash story.

Not easy to do.

Top ratings from me.

Does he return the ring and get his money back? Does he tell Susan? Does he tell Carol's parents why the engagement never happens? Sorry but there are simply too many unanswered questions in this to make it a good read. Pretty good what there is of it, but with this non-ending, it just wasn't an entertaining read.

Unfortunately, I have felt that stunned, too-stupid-to-think feeling. You described that pretty well. Thanks for sharing.

If all the calls for more convice you to write chapter 2.

You wrote well and there could be more in Jay’s tale for a ch2.

Thanks

But the follow through just kind of withered away,guy catches girlfriend,walks away into oblivion. No real ending, it just kind of withers off.

Dating is not courting. Courting is consciously and decisively exploring a specific person for marriage. Dating is just socializing. Courting is testing and probing and challenging and marriage oriented. Its not dating. Dating is fun, mostly. Courting is work, mostly. You date because you want to enjoy someone's company, and maybe sex. You court because you want to get married, one time, to the right person.

If Carol wanted to get married she should have let that be known way before 5 years of dating. If he didn't she should have just cut him loose, sooner, rather than betray her lover and her friend. If Carol doesn't confess to the asshole's wife then she's a bigger piece of shit than he is.

Just sad, but totally predictable. Dating has no commitment, or expectations. Courting and marriage do.

Man, one sure doesn’t get fidelity in these LW pages, eh? I worry about the fact that all his friends get divorced. Just bad luck, or the crowd he hangs out with? One of my theories is that marriage success is inversely proportional to the cost of the ring. Way too much money to spend on carbon.

Good for what it was. I'd have preferred if he didn't give her a heads up about her parents. I think that minor act of revenge would be justified, without going over the top.

As for Jim...he needs to have a talk with Sue. Tell her about how he was going to propose but found out Carol was cheating on him. Maybe say something about since she was friends with Carol he didn't know if she'd still be comfortable being his friend, and maybe while talking about how much he was hurting, drop in a question about whether she would want to know if she was being cheated on. Then, if she wants to live in denial, she's free to do so, but if she wants to know the truth, he can tell her. A smart person would probably figure out why he asked, but how smart could you be to want to stay married to someone who starts cheating with one of your friends six months (possibly sooner) into a marriage?

Thanks for the story.

Cog

As a former foster child, the endless moving was just like this story. You never say goodbye..just kind of fade away. Tons of sadness,etc. Must be why I didnt want to marry. But I did. Nice story, but it needs a second chapter. Susan and him would be a good starting place.

I agree up the gf's response. it would be better for her to see him with another laughing and Happy.

Write a story and get free psychoanalysis! The Anons must have hit on every emotion possible. I think the basis of your story is 'Shit Happens'. Agree also with first Anon that he has too many oddball friends Statistics for 2009 indicate the lifelong divorce rate was 30.8 %. Jim says it was the pot. We really don't know Carol or Jim that well. I dunno. It was entertaining, if not sad. Four stars

Lots of comment and mostly competent at that.

I thought the story to be beautifully complete. It encompassed the entirety of a relationship, from start, through development and to a sad end. That's how life is.

Well done author!

It was full of emotion and human interactions. I have to feel sorry for the parents who thought that the deal was sealed.

It's very obvious from your comment that you truly cannot seperate reality from fiction. Your response was directed as if you believe the author of this fictional story was the character from the story. No wonder you always seem to post such ridiculous comments. You have lost your grasp on reality. Fiction: look it up.

Susan MUST be told. It is most unfair for her to go through life trusting young Jimbo ... if he gets away with this he'll keep right on cheating.

Good story 5*s

I liked the story and gave it 4 stars. Not 5 because of the grammar mistakes, such as missing words, too many words, wrong words or wrong tense. I would suggest having someone else read your stories before submitting them.

I may be a cynic, but I would assume that this was not the first time for Carol and Jim to be together. Jim said that he had just come by to drop off some dope, but Carol should have been at work not at her apartment. He wouldn't have expected her to be home unless they had made plans ahead of time to see each other.

Would have proposing earlier have kept Carol faithful, the cynic in me doesn't think so. If she would cheat with Jay's best friend now, I doubt that being engaged would have kept her from cheating.

And Susan should have been told.

Personally I’d of waited until they got going and videoed it and sent to everyone they knew , family and all. I’d also have sent the video to his and her phone so they would know I was there.

This is begging for a sequel.

This felt kind of pointlessly depressing in the way real life often does, so I'm not sure how to evaluate it.

I mean, you basically have a guy who seems to be waffling between "I had a good relationship that I fucked up by making her think I didn't want to marry her, so she gave up and moved on without telling me" and "I had a shitty relationship that I was lucky enough to find out before taking an irrevocable step" and has no idea which it is. (I tend to think the latter, but who knows?)

It then kind of ends with him not knowing why anything happened, how long it's been going on, or what any of it means, except that he just lost two of the important people in his life and doesn't know what to do next. Just basically "life is shit" and that's it... which I guess is realistic, but leaves me wanting more.

Jay made a mistake not kicking Jim's ass. Jay was too easy about this. That best friend needs some serious pain. Fuck his girlfriend, Carol and forget her. Best friend of 20 years? That's what I would like to see as a follow up story. Jim getting burned for that betrayal.

I actually likes it, but found it a lil shy of an ending. If he is s true friend then Susan needs to know and Carol's parents for giving them false hope/son.

Remember, Carol is at work and would NOT be home until 7PM - and the lies just keep coming..... And yes he needs to block the numbers NOW and change his apartment door lock (since she has a key).

I'm glad to see Jay realize this was not their first rodeo, but one of many.... Jay's instincts were DEAD on - always trust your gut - it often sees the subliminal messages your eyes/ears/NOSE miss.

but badly in need of editing.

Finish the damn story!

Using drugs gets you into all sorts of trouble

Nice story

For all comments. The kind words or criticism, I truly appreciate them all. The title of this story as many of have guessed, come from a cover of a song, "Take me to the River" by The Talking Heads. I heard it on the way home from work and that tune keep running through my head. The verse, 'Take me to the River, wash me in the water', kept rolling around and those were the words and mood of that song was the inspiration for this story. The title and rest were the first thing I put down. Jay's character behavior in my imagination was this steady level headed guy dealing with a very strange day were he would end up washing in a river. Listen to the song by the Talking Heads. For me, that's Jay.

Weak sort of ending.Did he get his money back on the ring and how did he move on.?Plus the fact that Jim was a good friend and as he did the dirty on him ,he should have told Jim's wife about the romp.

Why not tell Jim's wife?,she needs to know what type of man she married.If he will do it once he will cheat on her again and Jim needs some pain for his action.Likewise he is better off without Carol because she will cheat again.Also did he get hi money back?.

danoctober

We enjoyed this one, just as we've enjoyed so many of your stories. Keep on writing - we'll keep reading. Liked how you ended this. We know you'll get tons of 'finish the story' comments and your score will suffer from it; but 5 stars from us; the story ended as it should - the way you wanted.

Thanks,

Bill

Depressing, unfinished. wimpy.

It seems you got bored of writing (or you lack creatvity to go beyond the "pattern"). He didn't tell Susan? Really? He lets him off the hook? No consequences, no revenge = wimp.

He didn't tell her family the real reason why they're not getting married. Again he let's her off the hook = wimp.

Absolutely unreal, no feelings, no emotion the dialogs are robotic.

Finish you unfinished story instead of wasting time (no much time anyway considering the result) writing this crap.

Your story works perfectly but my problem is that it is so well written I'd like to know more about the characters and what happens afterwards.

Please keep writing, your stories are worth reading

He did exactly the right thing, except maybe he should tell the other wife. It's hard to know the right thing there, but if I were her I would want to know. That was well told and enjoyable.

4 stars. Could have been 5 with an editor. Writer, I know you said this is a flash story in the beginning, but there is so much left untold here. This is decent build up for a follow up story. Seriously consider it. At least finish the other ones, especially HTDAPM series. Finish your damn stories. And get a fucking editor. Your stories are about 85 to 90 percent solid, but you need an editor to make them shine. Seriously, you write some weird stories, but they somehow work. They're quite readable. But you really need an decent editor to polish them up. Do your readers a favor and get one.

Dan did the right thing. For now. Still, he needs to tell Susan what happen. danoctober, you should add another chapter. Carol, I see Dan walking away from, but Jim? A friend of 20 years? Jim needs a life lesson on fucking around other men's women. I think the only reason Dan didn't beat the crap out of Jim was because he was stunned at being betrayed. I think soon enough a lot of anger would follow. That could be the next chapter. Revenge on Jim. That asshole needs some pain.

I agree Dan did the right thing walking away. I disagree about revenge on Jim. The best revenge is a life well lived. Just move on. Neither of those cheaters were worth the effort of revenge. Fuck them both. I agree Susan should be told. That was the flaw in this story. Informing Susan what was going on would not be revenge. Informing Susan would have simply been the decent thing to do. I like flash stories, but a lot of them are like this. I was just getting into this story and suddenly over. The story is good but feels unfinished.

Pretty vanilla story. No new plot twists. Seriously in need of an editor.

The story is too short.We need to know what happened to Jay and Jim's wife needed to know,so she could make her mind up what to do about him,for once a cheat ,always a cheat.

there weren't engaged, or married; so....this could've taken a different turn, with the couple screaming at each other, and parent's intervention and all, and get married; then she would cheated on him again, to somehow get rid of her guilt and the anxiety that comes with the guilt; what made you guilty you do it again, just to come to terms with it; good end, though. More than anything, cheaters lose the one thing they shouldn't, even with those who have the lowest moral quotient, they lose their self-respect; and that loss drives them to do it again, again, and again.

On the one hand you have the group that says "the best revenge is living well"

On the other you have the burn the bitch and physical revenge. Which one is correct"

It depends on the person. If you can handle knowing that the girl(Carol) and friend will hurt mentally for what they did then go with the first one. If not, a plain old ass kicking is called for.

For myself, I would like to take the high road but don't think I could. In a few months or years I'd like to think back on the ass kicking I gave my supposed best friend. Karma's a bitch.

Nice story well written. You pulled the reader into the characters very well. Thank you for your hard work.

Woodmanone

Why is it that you never finish a story. I gave it 1*.

I'm glad this was a flash story. The way the story was told, it felt like it was from Eeyore's point of view. Good thing Jay didn't have a gun. Either way, some guy whose first name starts was going to get plugged.

fry them both by telling his wife what they did, cut them off and go have a good life

What a fucking piece of shit for a 'best friend'. Fuck them both. A better ending would have been if he'd had a gun and wasted them both. The guy was better off without that cheating cunt. As for the best friend? That asshole deserves some serious pain. I know this is a flash story, but you should add another chapter. That so called, 'best friend' of his needs to suffer. The guy should go fuck his wife.

It’s really too bad for “us”, the readers here at Literotica. Too bad the author decided to end this story with no real ending at all.

Well,where is the story,it as to have more?

Where is FTDS when you need him? Good start, but needs more. With best friends like Jim, who needs enemies? 5 stars for effort. BTW- kill Jim

I love the comments--they're pissed that you've forced them to use their imaginations to complete the picture. Well done, Dan.

The author ended the story with a new beginning.

... read children’s literature. This is a fine example of mature writing.

Our hero made the only real choice that he could. Sometimes a situation doesn't need pondering. You can't make somebody love and respect you enough to be faithful. If they don't you move on.

Would have liked more,it appears to me to be a nothing ending.How did he move forward,what did Carols parents say and most of all with didn't he tell Jim's wife,surely she needed to know she was married to a cheat.

The author said so in the beginning but I wish there was more. A couple of things bothered me about this story that left me feeling flat.

First, the betrayal by his best friend was worst than the betrayal of his girlfriend.

That best friend Jim needs his nose broken to teach him not to sniff around other guys girlfriends.

Two, I don't care how stoned Jim was,cheating on his wife after only 6 months of marriage was total bullshit. There was no excuse for that.

If the author passes by this way and reads this comment I hope he considers adding another chapter. This story was just getting started and then it was over. Thanks for sharing.

I get flash, but there needs to be another chapter here. This guy get fucked over by his best friend and a woman he wants to marry, so what does he do? He walk's away like a pussy. WTF! Where is FTDS when you need him? I hate unfinished stories like this because it presents so many problems.

Here's just one of many problems I have with this story. Jay should have told Jim's wife Sue what was going down. Jay didn't want to hurt Sue, but he was hurting her by not telling her that Jim was a cheating asshole. If Jim would fuck his best friends girl, he was probably fucking other women behind his wife's back.

Another hole is why did Carol succumb to Jim? Because they smoke some good pot? There has got to more to it than that.

Another problem for me is Jay just walked away. He needed to talk to Carol to find out what and why things happened. And Jim. He walked away free. Jay doesn't say anything to Jim's wife and worse...Jay let Jim walk away with no consequences. I don't get that.

I felt bad for Jay but I felt he was a pussy for letting Jim walk.

Another thing is (I had to re-read this to make sure) they were in bed but Jim still had his underwear on, so it seems like they hadn't had any sex. Does that make a difference? Was there any room for forgiveness?

You might consider an editor. The story is good but a little rough around the edges. An editor could turn a good story into a better story by fixing your grammer.

5 stars for effort.

That is the most detailed comment I've ever had on one of my stories. Thank you for your consideration. I totally concur with your comments. This story has room to be fleshed out a bit further. You brought up some interesting area's for improvement, that if re-written to include them, I believe would re-create a much better version than the original. Terrific idea. As for me, I don't believe I will re-visit this story again. But, if someone out there is reading this and wants to take a shot at doing another chapter, be my guest. I give here, my permission to do so.

Reading some of the comments I have to agree with the people who agreed it was better to walk away. That girldriend and his phoney best friend were the worse. If he had shot Jim, he would have gone to jail. The girlfried was evil. That's it. No way they could get back together. And Jay? That poor fuck needs therapy. Seeing thst shit would mind fuck anybody.

Please take this as constructive criticism: She had been dating him for five years, he had a key to her apartment and she's gonna fuck some guy there? If all it took was a smoke to get her on her back the marriage wouldn't have lasted too long anyway. Absolutely no character development, I had no compassion for them at all. I noticed you do have some highly rated stories so I will try some of those. I think you had a the makings of an interesting story but you failed to develop it. I will give it three stars.

What the hell man??? I hate these damn unfinished stories! That's just being lazy. Jay just walked away from that bullshit?!!! The girlfriend was a total bitch for doing that, so out with the trash with her. But Jim? That ass hole gets a free walk? Impossible. Author, get a pair and finish the story. You wrote it, you are the one that needs to finish it.

BTW - Seriously, do the readers here a favor and get an editor.

Good story but it really needs to be finished, maybe a Carol viewpoint or talk to Sue to give her a headsup on her husband. And he really should talk to her parents as to why he didn't ask her. Really needs one or two more chapters.

There has got to be more to this story. To stop it now seems wrong. You left the main character with nothing. Add another chapter. Jay needs closure.

Hurtful as it would have been,he really needs to tell Susan what had happened,if only to stop Jim straying again.If he doesn't ,it is likely Jim will meet up with Carol again and eventualy Susan will find out.Also like others,I would have liked more.

That was messed up but what choice did the guy have? Walking away to enjoy another day is better than jail. That's the only way things could have gone. I would have beat the shit out that best friend with a baseball bat. What's fucked about this story is the good guy gets nothing but a broken heart. Maybe that's what is more true to life about this story. Sometimes life drops a load on you and it's like, " too bad for you" , now move along because your shit out of luck.

That's it? I hate stories like this. Like, what happens next?

what can I say?

This is not a story about revenge or what happens next. It is about suffering in that moment when you learn your love has betrayed you. I think you hit the nail on the head.

Sorry, but that’s no way to end a story, to just leave it hanging like a dangling participle. That makes it “Not” a story, but a short anecdote, and an incomplete one at that.

People are asking what happens next? it is a flash story which means that it is short. Let me finish the story for those readers. He avoids Carol and his ex friend and moves on. That is it.

I liked the story.

This is nowhere near finished. Wtf! Here's the next chapter: Kill Jimmy

It's not intended to be a whole story. It's just a quick snapshot of the events leading to the death of their engagement. It's up to your own imagination as to how it plays out.

Should've told Sue, she has a right to know. Also for future reference, she should know that if she stays with him, they need to use protection.

Guy is understandably maudlin in the moment, but he obviously dodged a bullet there.

I loved the story, short, sweet and to the polnt. It is what I said, a story, with the right ending. In the story he dodged the bullet, eventually found another lover and didn't wait to long to propose this time. If it had been real life, I believe that he would have ended up in an happy marriage that lasted for over 50 happy years to Carol.

One negative point why on earth did this talented author fall in the trap and and use the most stupid statement used far to often on this site. "Darling it's not what it seems" . Of course it is you silly woman.

He should have asked her earlier? What the fuck makes him think she wouldn't have cheated on him anyway. For heaven's sake they had five years together. She's a fucking cheater. You're better off without her. Why feel sorry for yourself? Yeah, too bad for him. No shit, to bad for her you wimpy ass.

I understand this guy. Some, when faced with betrayal, go for betrayal. They are filled with rage. Others withdraw and try to understand. Their brain shuts down and they need to work to figure out what seems obvious to the reader. It takes time. They don't go for revenge. They just want to get away. I sometimes which type heals and recovers fastest.