Tell it to My Heart

I blinked about a hundred times as I slowly returned to the land of consciousness. I thought, holly crap, that was one Hell of a dream. I noticed my right hand was buried deep in my crotch and was soaking wet. My left hand was under my shirt grasping my left breast. And of course Katie is banging on my door.

"Be right there" I yelled. Trying to shake to cobwebs from my head, I climbed out of the recliner, the amazing wet dream still fresh in my mind. I never ever experienced anything like that in my entire life. To realize part way through that I was having a dream and just letting myself go was a life altering experience. I get a disappointed look from Katie through the window in my door. I let her in. "Fell asleep in your dad's chair again didn't ya?"

"Yeah," I said disappointed in myself as I gave her a quick hug hello. "Thanks for the coffee."

She took a step back and looked at me. I'm completely disheveled, still wearing yesterday's work clothes. My shirt is halfway unbuttoned, and my belt loosened. A mix of odors surround me. The stale odor from the bar, my sweat, and my sex. She grabs my right hand and held it up to her nose.

"Must of been one hell of a dream.....Lilly I'm guessing?" She said with a cheeky smile, her lips curling up on the left side.

"I hate that you know me so well" She knew I didn't mean it, but she really did know me, probably better than I know myself.

"Well that's what happens when we know each other from kindergarten. Wanna tell me about it?" She stared at me, as if mentally trying to make me spill.

"Not really, it's kinda embarrassing" I said, not even convincing myself.

"That's what I was hoping for, spill!" There was an excitement in her voice as she sat closer to me.

"No, I'd rather not " my voice trailed off as I spoke.

"Andi, it's me. Your other conscience, I don't judge, and your apartment is a safe, confidential space. And I can't help you if you don't tell me." She said this and it was half legitimate and half mock-psychologist. THIS is why she was a great friend.

I told her the entire dream, I left nothing out, even though it was a little embarrassing. But we have no secrets from each other, she's my best friend. Even telling her made me tingle a little and brought back all those amazing feelings. "Katie, it was the most vivid dream I ever had in my life. And it wasn't some crazy off the wall kind of dream. It all could have easily happened."

"So, what do you think it means?"

"I don't know, it was a hell of a good dream," I said, "but it was just a dream." She could tell I wished it was more than just a dream.

"Mind if I take a stab at what it might mean?" Her eyes widened, her eyebrows went up and she was shaking just a bit with excitement.

"Sure Dr. Freud, give it shot." I gave a little laugh and leaned back, attempting to act relaxed.

"Well, I believe you're a lot more attracted to Lilly than you're willing to admit."

"But I don't believe I am. As I told you last night on the phone. She's not gay, and she's really not my type. And even if she was, if I meet a woman I'm attracted to and she's straight, I stop right there. I don't keep perusing her." Was I trying to convince her or myself? Or my heart. It kept hammering away in my chest. Stop it heart.

"Look, Andi, all I'm saying is, don't dismiss the idea. She's pretty, it's OK to be attracted to her." Why, oh why did she have to keep making sense?

"Just be her friend, talk, hangout now and then, maybe she'll open up. It sounds to me like she's dealing with conflicting feelings." She leaned a little to her left, relaxing, and gave me a smile that said, 'it's going to be OK.'

"I guess it wouldn't hurt." As I shrugged my shoulders. I knew she would keep going with her damn logic if I didn't give in.

"Good, now go take a shower," she said, now quite playful, "we'll go for a brisk walk, and burn some calories, you want to stay thin for your new girlfriend." She was teasing me and I couldn't stop a goofy smile from crossing my face.

"Shut up Katie" was all I could muster as I got up. She laughed, sensing my anger was nothing more than a paper tiger.

We did go for a walk. It was nice. We talked the whole way. Before we parted, she gave me a really long comforting hug. Not letting go of me for at least 3 minutes. I knew what she was trying to do. She wanted to make sure I know I'm loved. She broke the hug, "You know Andi, I just want you to be happy, you deserve to be happy."

"Thank you Katie, you're the best, best friend I could ever ask for. I Love you."

"I Love you too kiddo."

*****************************

The next two weeks went by rather uneventfully. Although I liked our time at the bar with Lilly that first night, I was careful not to bring it up, and I certainly didn't tell her about my wild, vivid, fantastic, wonderful, dream. We bumped into each other at least once a day. Stopped and chatted. Lilly always saying "goodbye PLP" when we went our own way, even if other people were around. Heart, do you have to punch me in the chest EVERY time we say goodbye to her?

Soon we started scheduling our lunch breaks together so we could hang out some more. She was so easy to talk to, and such a good listener. I told her that my dad passed away from cancer three years ago. I didn't want to lower the mood, but, I just thought she should know. Other stuff started flowing out of me without even thinking. I even found myself talking a little bit about Shara, my ex. I didn't go too deep into it because it was painful, almost as painful as my dad dying. I didn't want her to feel sorry for me, but it felt good to get some of these things out in the open. She seemed to want to talk about something too. She kept fidgeting in her seat, and rarely made eye contact with me. As much as I wanted to, I didn't push. She'll tell me in her own time. I know you want me to initiate something heart, but she has to be the one to make the first move....that's the only way this is going to work.

A few days later Lilly found me shortly before quitting time. I was in a classroom installing a new white board. She walked right up next to to me, looked me straight in the eye and in a serious tone said, "Andi, I want to kiss you......right now!"

"What?" I heard her perfectly well. I just needed time to process what she said. Heart, stop jumping up and down, we don't know how this is going to go.

"You heard me." She said, still serious, but her nerves were starting to show.

"Really Lilly? You said you're not gay." I said in stern voice.

She looked into my eyes, I looked into hers, the sparkle was just barely there. "Andi, I've been going nuts trying to convince myself my feelings for you are purely platonic, but it's a losing battle. I haven't been able to stop thinking about you since the moment we met. When I lay in bed, at night, trying to sleep, all I can think about is you. Images of you fill my mind. Your big brown eyes, your beautiful smile, your short black hair that I can't wait to run my hands through. I wonder if your night went well, did you get home OK.... how your body would feel laying next to me..... does she think about me when she's laying in bed. Then when I wake up, I think of you again, I wonder if you slept well, if you're a morning person, how your lips would feel against mine, does she like to make love in the morning. "

She looked away from me for just a moment. I could tell she was trying to organize her thoughts. Looking back at me she said "I think,.... no,....I know, I have some very strong feelings for you Andi."

"So what if you do. It's not like you're going to do anything about it." I said in a less stern voice, and sensing she's about to break.

"Andi, you can't stand there and say you're not the least bit attracted to me."

"Yeah. I am, so." Damn it heart, you made me say that.

"So... we kiss... if fireworks go off then we take it to the next level." She said with hope in her voice.

"Which is?" I knew where she was going with this, but I needed her to say it.

"A date.... a real date..... with all the romantic implications that brings."

Now...I know I'm going to let her kiss me, thank you Andi, but I'm going to make her work for it. "Let me take one more shot at this..... so, say we kiss and the feelings you have for me are real. Than what? You going to come out as gay? Are going to tell everyone you're a lesbian?"

"I guess...." She said as her voice trails off.

My heart helping to put the last nail in the I'm not gay coffin. "There are is no guessing about it Lilly. You need to think......if there's ever going to be a "us" you have to be 100 percent sure about......"

"Oh shut the hell up and KISS ME!" She demanded.

Heart....that was it....finally......

And with that, she reached up grabbed the back of my neck pulled me down and gave me an earth shattering kiss. It started out soft, instantly my eyes closed, and my arms went around her waist. It took all the strength I had to keep my legs from crumbling.

Then, pressing a little harder, I heard moaning, it was me! This felt soooo good. I hadn't been kissed like that in years. I heard Lilly moaning too. I gave in to my heart. Yes heart, this is what we've waiting for.....for many years.......Just don't let us down heart, we can't take another Shara incident. I pressed my tongue against her lips, she let me in. My arms moved up her back to hold her tighter. Our tongues went to work trying to memorize the insides of our mouths. I felt my entire body tingle with delight. It was wonderful. Your welcome heart, we both deserve this. We shifted our heads slightly and our mouths opened even more. Our tongues we're trying to reach the backs of each other's throats. It was like we were trying to get inside each other or something. I didn't want to stop but I had to breathe sometime soon. Our activity slowed down and we slowly broke the kiss. More, more, more.....clam down heart, trust me there will more.

"God...that was fantastic....did you see fireworks?......cuz I certainly did." I said excitedly in between breaths.

"I think a whole factory of fireworks went off for me." Said Lilly, her sparkling eyes brighter than I'd ever seen before.

After a few seconds, I cupped each side of her face with my hands, I was going in for a second kiss. I looked into her beautiful eyes, I looked past the sparkle,......and I saw something,.... I felt something,...... I just didn't know what it was. Then it hit me, hit me like a runaway freight train. Why didn't I see it sooner? I removed my hands from her face and I took a half a step back. I'm not upset, but she had many opportunities to tell me.

"Lilly?...... I'm not the first girl you kissed like that am I?"

She was normally confident, but now I saw a sense of dread in Lilly's eyes, and she was noticeably trembling."Please don't be mad at me Andi, please. Her name was Wendy. It was almost 10 years ago, It was an awful experience. I tried to tell you a few times, l just lost my nerve. Please don't let it ruin this.....us....please. I promise to tell you all about it. Please kiss me again,....please?" Don't worry heart, this isn't a deal breaker, everyone has a past.

Staring at her, I didn't recognize this Lilly, she was completely venerable, emotionally naked. I could tell by looking deep into her eyes she was telling me the truth. She started to tear up, I'm sure she was wondering what I was going to say.

"OK Lilly, don't worry, I'm not mad.... I believe you, and I'm so glad you finally opened up to me. But from now on, no more holding back, just be open and honest."

"I will Andi, I will" she said, completely relieved I wasn't mad.

Our bodies were touching again, touching in all the right places, our arms wrapped tightly around one another. I was squeezing her as though somehow she might try to get away, yet I knew there was no chance of that happening. I lowered my head to kiss her. Our lips met. This kiss was more tender than the first. Our tongues are trying to make love to each other. Then just some small kisses, Lilly nibbling on my lower lip. Then I nibbled on hers. I feel tingling again throughout my whole body. Holding each other, caressing each other. I was on cloud nine, floating somewhere, reveling in this moment. I felt her body tingling too.

But then, the old Lilly is back. She kisses me again as her hands slide down and grab my ass. So I relent and join in the fun and do the same thing to her. Yes I know heart, this is great, having these feelings again. Then I playfully gave her ass a hard little smack. We break the kiss and we both giggled. Then, we looked into each other's eyes for a long moment..... we got tender again.

Lilly gently rested her head against my shoulder. I lovingly wrapped both my arms around her. I could feel her heart beating against mine. I let my heart enjoy this moment. A moment it has longed for. A moment I thought would never happen. I snuggled my cheek atop her head, just feeling her warmth. Soaking in every second of just holding her. And then,...there it is. That wave of love and happiness I felt in my dream. This feeling is real I thought, it is! Katie was right,.....she's gonna gloat for months.

OK heart,...you can hope again,....hope that she's the one.....I know we were looking for a woman more secure in her sexuality, but we both know Lilly is someone special. I know she makes you happy. She brings me out of my comfort zone sometimes, and I think I need that right now in my life. I know it won't be easy, we will have to deal with this being her first real lesbian relationship,....like it was with Shara. But, this time, we just make sure she's 100% committed to us. That will take time on our part and a lot of effort on hers. Be patient heart, I think she's the one too.

Lilly unhugged me, and took two steps back. She reached out her left hand. When I realized what she wanted, I put my right hand out and she gently put our hands together. We intertwined our fingers without breaking eye contact. She took a step closer then lifted both our hands to her face and tenderly, with purpose, kissed each one of my fingers. Each kiss sent a tiny electric shock directly to my heart, like a tiny defibrillator. Breathing life back into an organ I long thought was broken beyond repair. Oh heart, can she really do this? Can she really put you back together?

"I'm never letting go of this hand Andi" she said in a strong yet loving voice. I realized this is a gesture, her way of showing me that she is answering my question from outside the bar that first night we met. Ready, if not eager, for a committed relationship with a woman. This is much quicker than I expected. I thought she would eventually commit, but not this soon. She must really have some strong feelings for me..........and I her.

So, to let her know that I understand what a big step this is for her. And to support her and show her that I am equally committed to a relationship with her ( even though we didn't have a real first date yet). I decide the right thing to do is to return the gesture.

Keeping our gaze, I moved our hands up to my face and tenderly kissed each one of her fingers. Lingering longer than necessary on each finger. Our forearms were lightly touching and I could feel the goosebumps rising as I kissed each one of Lilly's fingers. There you go heart, this one's for you. She inhaled deeply, and swooned. I had to reach out with my other arm to hold her steady. No one ever swooned over me before, never. I thought she might be over doing it a little. But no, this was real. When I finished, she laid her head sideways in the middle of my chest. I felt my heart beating stronger than it had in many years. I unlaced our fingers and put my arms around her.

"I can hear you heart beating Andi." She said in little more than a whisper.

"Well, if it ever starts talking to you, let me know." I said with a little chuckle.

We stood there quietly for a few more minutes, just enjoying each other's embrace. Then I reminded Lilly that it's way past quitting time. I gather up my tools, and slung the well worn strap of my tool bag over my shoulder, and looked at Lilly. She grabbed my hand and started pulling me towards the door with some urgency. Like a child pulls a reluctant parent to the toy section of a store.

"Where are we going Lilly, and why so fast?" I said completely confused.

"I owe you that explanation about Wendy, and if I'm gonna relive that pain again, I'm gonna need a drink, maybe two, and that means going to Aunt Charlie's."

"But right now?" I questioned.

"Yes, I want to get it over with. I want to get everything out in the open. I don't want to start a relationship with questions hanging over our heads." She said talking quickly. "And if I'm not mistaken, I'll bet you there are a few things about Shara you would like to get of your chest as well." She continued in her confident voice.

She was absolutely correct. We both had to come clean about everything. It wouldn't be easy for either of us, but we needed to do it. I was gonna need a drink too, especially when I drop the bomb that I was married to Shara for two years.

Lilly locked the door of the classroom behind us as we walked hand in hand, fingers intertwined towards the elevators. She pushed the button, and within a few seconds the door opened. As we walked into the elevator still holding hands, I thought I heard footsteps. Sure enough a second later a smartly dressed man bursts into the elevator with us. Now it's not unusual for some professors to work late, even really late, like tonight apparently.

I recognized him immediately, it was Dr. Gil Martin. An engineering professor in his late 40's. He and I would chat occasionally, and he knows I'm gay. Lilly's hand clinched tightly on mine. She was strengthening her resolve to not let go of my hand. Later in life I would look back at this moment and realize this was a turning point for Lilly. If she could keep holding my hand all the way down the elevator with someone else with us, it would be a victory for her. And of course she did.

"Hi Dr. Martin." I said smiling at him. I always liked Gil. He was one of the nice people on campus. The elevator doors closed and it started moving. "Hi Andi, he said smiling back at me. "And please, I told you before, call me Gil."

"OK, sorry, Gil." Now, what happened next surprised even me. And I had absolutely no intention of introducing Lilly as my girlfriend.....but that's exactly what happened. I wanted to say friend, but my heart kicked me in the chest at the exact wrong moment and girlfriend came out of my mouth. Really heart, I wasn't ready to say that. We all had shocked looks on our faces. And I know I was beet red with embarrassment. I can laugh about it now.

Taking a quick look at Lilly and I holding hands, and not missing a beat, Gil says "Nice to meet you Lilly " as a mischievous grin slowly appears on his face.

I looked at Lilly, as she returned the greeting. "Hi Gil, nice to meet you too," not at all trying to hide her enormous smile. Both, because she knew how embarrassed I was and how happy she was that I had inadvertently called her my girlfriend.

"So you girls have any plans for the rest of the evening?" Gil said with a goofy smile.

I think he was just making conversation, and I was about to say no, when Lilly cheerfully piped up and said "Yeah, we're going to Aunt Charlie's, do you want to join us?" I nearly jumped out of my skin, shocked she would invite him to go with us. What was she thinking.

"Ah... Aunt Charlie's, I know it well." Gil said, his goofy smile still intact. "No thanks, it's late, I'll take a rain check though."