All Comments on 'Ten Year Reunion'

No love like an old love!

5

A beautiful romantic story. Very well done and drawn out sex scenes. I get that she has dark hair. Telling the reader over 20 times she has raven hair became a little distracting. But, that is me.

Five pages and basically nothing happens. The old, tired reunion plot with less going on than most of the others like it. A slow trip to the bedroom with all the picky details. This isn't plot development - it's just a slow view of a non-event. Fortunately after the middle of page two it became apparent that nothing was really going to happen besides the obvious so I blazed through the endless descriptions of "the raven haired beauty" and the trite sex scene and it mercifully ended. 3* for trying.

juvenile, corny...

A lovely story, made more special by giving them a history together. No, there's no need to continue this story. There is very little conflict here, the Major Dramatic Question (will they get together) is settled far too easily. Why torture these lovely kids by throwing unneeded conflicts at them? We all know shit happens and will eventually happen to them. That's no fun to read.

I'm hoping you're in the mood for some constructive criticism. I've read everything you've posted here. You have an excellent command of the language, with a strong, varied vocabulary. Your grammar is impeccable, but perhaps TOO perfect.

• You have a tendency to string together far too many simple sentences in your prose, interrupting the flow of the narrative into choppy bits. Hemingway excelled at that - few others ever have. Try to join these single thought and actions into more compound, complex and compound-complex sentences. Throw in a run-on if it keeps the flow going. Chop it up occasionally with a sentence fragment. Mrs. Schneider is no longer grading your writing with that dreaded red pen. Experiment with what "sounds" good.

• Too much thinking! in this, and even more so in your "Birthday Pool Party" series, you spend far too much time letting the characters ruminate endlessly. When a writer decides to use a dispassionate omniscient narrator (the most rudimentary means of telling a story), there is always a risk of being TOO omniscient and bogging down the narrative with voluminous thought balloons. Try to express their thoughts more through action and dialogue. We'd rather hear what they say and watch what they do to discover them rather than have it all spoon fed to us. Your chapters will be shorter when you trim down the thinking and achieve a better narrative balance, but more is not often better This story should have been 3 1/2 pages at most, achieving the same outcome with greater impact.

• Pay attention to what you're writing. They decide to meet at the hiking trail and two paragraphs later you have him picking her up at her apartment!

• I mentioned this in a comment to you earlier, but please, Please, PLEASE! Stop beginning every chapter with half a page recap of the entire story so far. Your loyal readers find it quite tedious. Why penalize us? Don't worry about the idiot who starts reading in chapter 4. Screw him! The rest of us know what's going on, especially since you update new chapters quite rapidly.

• Your most grievous error: He takes a white wine bottle out of the liquor cabinet and serves it? ONLY A HEATHEN SERVES UNCHILLED WHITE WINE! It should be served slightly chilled at a temp of between 45-50 degrees.

Can't wait to see more well crafted stories.

Loved it, thank you for sharing and more please.

5 stars

A very nice romance story ! 5 stars

The raven haired beauty ?

Wanted to dump the story after the description of how she basically cast him aside. Kept reading when she admitted she was immature. Stopped reading after finding out the spineless male figure blames himself not once but twice for how they drifted apart. Kicker was who the hell buys somebody flowers if they aren't going to meet that person at the door so they can put the flowers in water. That's just a stupid waste of money at that point.

Good story but I began to cringe at the many many “raven-haired beauty” and other “raven-haired” phrases. Just “she” would have worked in many of those places or other non-repetitive usages. All of your readers soon learned she had black hair and did not need constant reminding.

To follow Rap’s …. You use the phrase “Raven haired beauty at least 30 times, it got distracting…

Jumping from past tense to present tense is one of your problems. Please proofread or find a beta reader/editor to help you out. Agree with the comments about her raven hair. ps: surprised Overcritical gave you 3 stars. I think he’s getting nicer as he slips further into his dotage.

Great start and I enjoyed the build up good story, good writing. Would be interested to see how you would continue this.

Great start but it feels as if it's only half done. Great storybook romance at the start degraded into wanton sex at the end. So much more to explore... 5* for now.

Just in the first paragraph we learn the narrator is a bra size expert, nailing Chloe as a C-cup. I don't believe it, and I'm so tired of the lack of imagination and descriptive facility it demonstrates. Can we please get past that, and address better traits? Please.

Ok, now I'll keep reading and see if there's a reason to overlook this pet peeve of mine.

Sorry. Second paragraph, not first.

Thank you for all the comments. They were mostly constructive. I submitted an updated version. Hopefully it will go live shortly. I fixed a tense error and reduced the number of references to raven hair. I agree, I way overdid that. I also fixed an issue where I switched from past to present tense. I doubt I got them all, but I tried. Thanks again for the feedback!

Beautiful and loving story. Very well done. 5stars

juvenile, corny...

released his member with a 'pop' ? bullshit. masterbation?? illiterate. author needs a naked whipping!

More please!

so so...

This is a wonderful romance story, with excellent characters. A sequel is warranted.

corny, juvenile, tons of superfluous 'of'

liked it...

Enjoyed it very much, would love to see at least a part two!!

"Maybe things could have worked out differently had they both been more mature. " I don't think he was the immature one, based on her thoughts.

@Vayne - I had the exact same thought when I read that line. I get that they both had their own perspectives on things, but the fact that he blamed any of it on himself feels wrong.

Too sappy to rate this a 5! I mean”Milady” and “kind sir” several times each.And how many times can you use “the raven-haired beauty” to refer to her?! I would have preferred a little less on and on sex and a little more of their real lives.(How much cum can he shoot and she swallow?!)

@HappyEndingsLover. I get what you're saying but I didn't mind. It's not like Chloe was trying to tell Jason that she thought she heard something and then Witty decided to talk about her hair.

@Overcritical. This is liek saying that action movies are shit because there's a tired plot of a villain messing with the hero, a fight takes place, etc. This plot stands the test of time because it works.

@Rapierwit24601. When it's a one-off story, I'm not expected the detail and internal politics to the level of The Winds of War. Witty's sentences are fine. They tell the story and it's not like if he were to throw in a fragment suddenly the McGuffin revitalizes the plot. A lot of thinking for a character isn't so bad, not when there's reminiscing, exposition, explanation, etc. The hiking trail logisitics didn't crash the plot. It's not like the literary of equivalent of mixing up the order of the film reels. The chapter intros are quite helpful. I got recommended to Witty's stories starting at Chapter 4. The intros help.

@Anonymous. Jason felt how he felt at the time. It wasn't the wisest or most confident course of action. But that's why the second chance means so much. I was thinking about the flowers too as the hike happened, but the two of them got closer over the hike. I wasn't worried that the flowers were the tripwire that set off Chloe into thinking that Jason ruined the whole experience because she couldn't put the flowers in water right away.

@Witty. There's a typo on the second section of the story. About the 10th paragraph down, first sentence. "Soon, tongues started pKatieg as the two of them could hear the small stream flowing in the background."

@Kintsukuroi Thanks! Good catch. I've submitted an updated version for review.

Great story. I just wished we could read the next chapter of their life.