Thanksgiving with Anna

Over the next month, I could see that Anna really believed what she'd said about always being there to help the doctors in the ER. She seemed to work a lot of overtime. I spent about two days a week on the construction site and if I was there on a Monday, I'd sometimes see her walking to her car about ten or eleven. I never stopped to talk because I was either headed for a meeting at the construction site or going back to my office, but it was obvious from the way she walked that she was tired.

Once in a while I'd meet her coming back home when I left for work on Monday or to do some shopping on Saturday or Sunday. She always smiled and said, "Hi". I started scheduling the time I left for about when she'd be coming home. I didn't have any motive for doing that other than I liked Anna and considered her to be somewhat of a friend.

On the Sunday before Thanksgiving, I went shopping for what would be my Thanksgiving dinner. There was no way I could take enough time off to drive home for Thanksgiving like I had while I was in college. The contractor was just then setting the steel for the top floor and he was behind schedule again. He was going to finish up Wednesday night and wanted the inspection done on Friday morning so he could start putting up the walls.

It wouldn't be the same as the Thanksgiving dinners at home, but I couldn't bring myself to settle for a pizza or a hamburger. I'm not a great cook, so what I bought was stuff I could just heat up, but at least I'd have turkey, mashed potatoes, and green beans. I also bought a pumpkin pie and a can of that whipped cream you spray on.

It was about eleven when I pulled into the parking lot and started toward the door with two plastic shopping bags in each hand. I was half-way through the parked cars when I saw Anna's blue minivan parked but still running, and she was sitting in the driver's seat slumped over the steering wheel. I thought something must be wrong, so I walked up to the driver's side window, sat my bags on the ground, and then tapped on the window.

When Anna looked up at me, it was obvious she was crying. There were tears streaming down her cheeks, and though she tried to smile, right in the middle of trying, she sobbed and put her face down on the steering wheel again. I opened her door then.

"Anna, what's wrong?"

Anna raised up, wiped her eyes with the back of her hands, and then said, "Nothing. I just let this stupid job get to me."

I touched her on the shoulder.

"Well, you can't just sit here in the parking lot. Let's get you inside."

Once we were in the elevator, I touched her shoulder again.

"Anna, what's going on? You're still crying."

She took a deep breath and wiped her eyes again.

"I worked over this morning, not because anyone was out. It was because the doctors needed all the help they could get. We got in another car wreck, a family this time and there was a baby girl..."

Anna turned to face me, sobbed, and then put her arms around my neck and pressed her face into my chest.

"I couldn't save her. She died right there on the gurney while I was trying. She was so little and so cute and..."

Anna didn't finish. She just started sobbing her heart out. I did the only thing I could think of to do. I put my arms around her and held her. I held her while the elevator door opened on the third floor and then closed again, and I was still holding her when it opened on four.

"Anna, this is your floor."

She pushed herself away gently and wiped her eyes, but she was still sniffing. I picked up my groceries and followed her to her door. She was still crying when she unlocked her door, so I caught her by the shoulder before she went inside.

"Anna, are you going to be all right?"

Her face sort of screwed up then.

"No. I don't think I am...not for a while."

"Would it help if I sat with you for a while?"

Anna nodded, so I followed her through the door and then locked it behind us. When I turned around, Anna was sitting on her couch and slumped over, and she was shaking. I put down my groceries, sat down beside her, and put my arm around her shoulders.

"Tell me what happened."

It was hard to understand what Anna said because she kept sobbing, but the gist of it was the EMT's had brought in a man, woman, and the little girl. Apparently, the little girl had taken the brunt of the impact, and even though she was in a car seat, she'd suffered the worst injuries. Anna was still sobbing when she told me about the ER.

"We knew her chest was crushed and were going to take her to X-ray to find out how badly she was hurt, but she wasn't breathing very well. I got a respirator on her and started pushing the gurney to X-ray when she just stopped breathing. The doctor and I tried and tried, but she was gone. I don't know why I couldn't save her. That's what I was trained to do, but I failed that little girl and I failed her mother and father."

I squeezed Anna's shoulders gently.

"You didn't fail her, Anna. Sometimes, things just happen and there's nothing you can do about it. I can't believe you didn't try everything you knew how to do. You don't impress me as a woman who'd give up before you did."

"I did, but it still wasn't enough, so I failed."

I turned Anna's chin so she was looking at me.

"How many people have you helped get better since you became a nurse?"

Anna sniffed.

"I don't know. A lot, I suppose."

"How many haven't you been able to help?"

"A few...but they weren't babies like this one."

I hugged her again.

"I know, but just because she was a baby doesn't mean you did anything wrong. It just means she was hurt so bad nothing you could have done would have saved her. Isn't that right?"

"I suppose so, but still --"

I stopped her before she could finish.

"No, not but still. You can only do what you can do. I don't know anything about being a nurse or a doctor, but if she was hurt as badly as you say she was, I don't think anybody could have done anything. I think you're worn out and that's causing you to blame yourself. Blaming yourself isn't going to help her or you. The only thing you can do is try to put it in perspective with everything else you've done. If you can do that, I think you'll realize it wasn't your fault. I hope you can do that, because it wasn't, not from where I sit."

Anna sniffed a couple more times and then said, "Thank you for trying to understand, but I think I need to be alone for a while now."

"Will you be OK if I leave?"

Anna nodded.

"I just need to think this out and then get some sleep."

"OK, but if you're still feeling like this, you call me, OK?"

I left my cell phone number with Anna and then went to my apartment. I felt bad about leaving her, but that's what she wanted. I just hoped she could make herself realize that sometimes, no matter what you do, things don't turn out like you hoped.

I did go down to the lobby a little before seven to see if Anna was going to go to work, but she didn't come down. When I looked in the parking lot, her car was gone, so I figured she went out early for some reason.

I did some thinking of my own that Sunday. At first, I was feeling pretty impressed with myself. Trying to help Anna understand was something most people wouldn't have done and I congratulated myself on being such a great guy. A little after having that thought, though, I realized I probably should have just stayed out of it.

It was like I'd intruded on Anna's privacy. When I get down, the last thing I want is somebody trying to make me happy. I prefer to be by myself, analyze everything, and then come to my own conclusion. That's because nobody else can understand how I feel or what I'm thinking. I didn't figure Anna was any different and I might have done more harm than good. By the time I ate lunch, I'd decided I owed Anna an apology.

When I left for work on Monday morning, I was starting to worry. I went down to the lobby early enough I should have caught her when she came home, but when I got in my own car and started for work, hers wasn't in the lot.

All day long, I wondered if something had happened to her. I told myself that was because I was worried I might have caused her to feel worse instead of better. As the day wore on, and it seemed to take forever before the clock said five and I could leave, I'd started to realize I was worried because I cared what happened to Anna, not because I just felt sorry for her. That was an odd feeling for me. I'd never felt that way about anybody except my family and even that feeling wasn't the same.

I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw her car in the parking lot that night. At least Anna was home and safe. I was a little shocked that I'd thought that word -- safe -- because it wasn't a word I'd have used for anybody else I cared about. I'd have thought, "getting better", or just "OK", but not "safe".

On my way up to my apartment, I toyed with the idea of going on up to four and knocking on Anna's door, but then reconsidered. She probably just needed time to think things out, and if I stuck my nose into her business again, that would just interrupt her. Instead, I had dinner, half-watched some TV, and then went to bed. After tossing and turning for almost an hour, I finally went to sleep.

Tuesday and Wednesday were about the same. I didn't figure I'd see Anna because she'd be off work, so I didn't stop in the lobby. I did look to see if her car was in the lot, and it always was so that eased my mind a little. On Wednesday afternoon, I went over to the hospital for sort of a pre-inspection of the last story of steel. It wasn't something I had to do, but I was going crazy sitting at my desk and wondering about Anna. Walking around the site gave me something else to think about.

Her car wasn't in the lot when I got back home, and that was a little comforting. If she'd gone somewhere, at least she was probably feeling better. I hoped she was feeling better almost as much as I wished I could see her again to make sure.

I'd finished dinner when my cell phone rang. The contractor had said he was going to work until all the steel was up and had brought in big banks of lights so his men could see if it got dark before they finished. I figured he'd run into some sort of snag and needed me to come to the site to figure it out. When I looked at the number, I didn't recognize it so I knew it wasn't the contractor.

When tapped the icon to answer the phone and said "hello", I heard Anna's voice.

"Tom, this is Anna. Would it be OK if I came down and talked to you for a little while? I need to ask you something."

About five minutes later, there was a knock on my door. When I opened it, Anna was standing there with a smile on her face.

I'd only seen Anna in scrubs, and scrubs aren't exactly the most figure-flattering clothes. That day, she was wearing snug jeans and a tight sweater that had a really nice figure to flatter. I knew Anna had fairly wide hips, but I didn't know she had breasts as large as the sweater made them look, and I didn't know how slender her waist and legs were. I must have been staring because Anna chuckled.

"Are you going to invite me in, or would you rather just stand there and look at me?"

I shook my head.

"No. It's just that I've never seen you in regular clothes before. Come on in."

I closed the door and then asked what she wanted to talk about. Anna smiled.

"That little baby I told you about...I went to her funeral today, and I feel a lot better now. Her name was Christy, and her mother talked to me after the service. I found out she's a nurse too, and she said she'd watched me working on Christy and knew I did everything I could and wanted to thank me. They just took her up to a room before she could tell me that at the hospital.

"Tom, I didn't believe what you told me until today, but now I do. I uh...I don't know the best way to thank you, but I think I should."

I shook my head.

"You don't need to thank me. I was just trying to make you understand it wasn't your fault. You said you wanted to ask me something. What did you want to ask?"

Anna looked at the floor for a while, and then looked up at me.

"This is maybe being too forward, but are you going home for Thanksgiving?"

"No. I don't have time to make it there and back before Friday when I have to be at the hospital site again."

"Well...every Thanksgiving until this year, I made Thanksgiving dinner for me and my husband. I don't miss him, but I do miss making everything and then eating it with someone. It's fun and it gives me something to think about besides work.

"I went out this afternoon and bought some stuff just in case you were going to be here. I'd like to fix Thanksgiving dinner for you as a way of saying thank you, if that's all right. If it isn't, I'm going to give everything to 'Loaves and Fishes', that homeless shelter down on tenth, but I hope you'll say yes. My husband always said I was a good cook."

I hadn't expected anything like this, but it would maybe be almost like the Thanksgiving dinners at home. At least I wouldn't be heating up my frozen turkey breast and making instant mashed potatoes and then eating them alone. I grinned.

"I can't think of anything I'd like better than for you to do that."

Anna smiled.

"Good. Would about two be OK with you? It'll take a few hours for the turkey to get done, but everything should be ready by then."

Anna's Thanksgiving dinner wasn't the same as the dinners back home. Anna was a good cook, but other than the turkey and dressing, what she cooked was different. The vegetables came out of a can and the pumpkin pie was bought. They were all good, but they didn't taste quite the same. Being with Anna more than made up for that though.

I knew as dedicated to nursing as she was, Anna would probably talk mostly about what she did at the hospital. I was surprised when she wanted to know more about me, and she wanted to know a lot. I told her about how big my family was and how we always celebrated Thanksgiving together. I told her about going to college instead of farming and how I made it through by working part time.

I learned that other than her mother and father, Anna had one aunt and that was the extent of her family. She said they always celebrated Thanksgiving too, but she hadn't been home for that holiday since she got married. Like me, she couldn't find the time because of school and then her job. She understood about me working my way through college, because she'd done the same thing.

The conversation got a lot more personal when we were sitting on her couch after dinner. Anna wanted to know if I had a girlfriend, and when I said I didn't, she asked why.

"I'd think a guy in your position wouldn't have trouble finding a girl. I mean, you probably have a decent income and you're a nice guy."

"I'm doing OK, money-wise. I just haven't found a woman I like enough yet, I guess."

Anna smiled.

"What is it you're looking for?"

I shrugged.

"I don't really know. I suppose I'm looking for somebody who wants to be with me for who I am and not how much money I make or how good I look. I don't think money and looks are the most important things in life, but a lot of women seem to think so, at least the ones I've met. It's either that, or they make some excuse about being too busy, so I think I'm just not the kind of guy they're looking for."

Anna nodded.

"I know the type because I knew two of them in nursing school. They became nurses so they could marry doctors and wouldn't have to work. I married a doctor, or he would have been in a few more years, but I don't think I could have lived with him once he did no matter how much money he made. Those women weren't thinking about that, I guess, but I'll bet they are now...just like I am."

I smiled.

"So you're looking? What are you looking for?"

Anna sighed.

"Just a man who loves me and wants to be with me. I don't really care about how much money he makes because I make enough to buy anything I really need. I don't care about great looks either because I'm not all that great myself. I just want somebody who'll be a partner in life."

She chuckled then.

"I sound like some character in a syrupy romance novel, don't I?"

"No, not really. You just sound like a woman who's being honest with herself. I do think you're shortchanging yourself in the looks department though. You're prettier than most women. Think with your schedule, you'll find that guy?"

"I don't know. I hope so. Being married wasn't all that great, but I do miss having someone to come home to. It was nice, the good times were, just sitting together on the couch and watching television or going to a movie and then coming home and...well, you know.

"I don't think my husband really understood what a woman wants that way. I think he tried, and sometimes it was good, but usually it was just him making himself feel good. Part of that was because he didn't have time. We had to fit it in with his schedule, and he was working almost sixteen hours a day, seven days a week. That doesn't leave much time, so we had to rush when we could do it at all."

I was surprised that Anna had opened up to me like she had. It was odd that Anna seemed to be comfortable talking about her personal life with me since we didn't really know each other that well, but it felt good that she seemed to trust me that much. That also made it easier to become more personal with her, more personal than I'd ever been with another woman. It just seemed right.

"Well, I don't know much about a doctor's schedule, but I don't think I could just make myself feel good when I did it."

Anna grinned.

"How many?"

"How many what?"

"How many girls have you had sex with?"

Well, that was even more odd. It was also embarrassing, because there'd been only one. I couldn't very well not answer her, but I didn't want to lie either.

"Uh...just one."

"Did she like it?"

I thought back to Marry Ellen and that night she invited me to her apartment. She'd sort of talked me into doing it, and when we were done, she grinned and said it was great. She never spoke to me again, though, so I wasn't sure if she really enjoyed it or if she was just trying to make me feel good.

"I'm not really sure. She said she did, but she wouldn't go out with me again."

Anna chuckled.

"I'm pretty sure if you did it right, you'd be able to tell. It's easy to tell with me, well, unless I'm faking it."

Two questions popped into my head then, but I wasn't sure I should ask her how I could tell. I did ask the second.

"You fake it?"

"Sure. All women do sometimes. If we're really tired or just not in the mood, it's hard for us to make it no matter what he's doing. We don't want to make our guy feel bad, so we act like we did. It's pretty easy to do that since we don't do what men do."

"And the man doesn't know?"

Anna giggled.

"Well, you guys are pretty involved with yourselves at the time, so no, you don't."

I shook my head.

"Maybe I didn't do it right then and she didn't like it."

"Was it her first time too?"

"No, at least she said it wasn't."

Anna frowned.

"If it wasn't, she wasn't a woman you'd want to stay with. She should have known you wouldn't be a great lover the first time and if she felt anything for you, she'd have stayed with you so you'd know what she liked and didn't like. I'd never do that to a guy I liked if it was his first time...or even his second or third time."

I had to smile a little at that last statement because Dad had told me it would take a few times before it got really good.

"Well, maybe someday I'll meet a woman like that."

Anna smiled.

"Maybe you already have."

Sometimes I can be so dumb I even amaze myself. At first, I thought Anna was talking about one of the women I knew from work.